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Valentine M'Clutchy, The Irish Agent by William Carleton

W >> William Carleton >> Valentine M\'Clutchy, The Irish Agent




Father Roche now addressed himself to Beatty, and prepared him for his
great change, as became a pious and faithful minister of the gospel.
Beatty, however, was never capable of serious impressions. Still, his
feelings were as solemn as could be expected, from a man whose natural
temperament had always inclined him to facetiousness and humor. He died
the next day, after a severe fit, from which he recovered only to linger
about half an hour in a state of stupor and insensibility.

This conflict between the priest and the parson was a kind of prelude in
its way, to the great Palaver, or discussion, which was immediately to
take place between the redoubtable champions of the rival churches.




CHAPTER XXVIII.--Darby is a Spiritual Ganymede

--Preparations for the Great Discussion, which we do not
give--Extraordinary Hope of a Modern Miracle--Solomon like an Angel
looking into the Gospel.


On the morning of the appointed day, the walls of Castle Cumber were
duly covered with placards containing the points to be discussed, and
the names of the speakers on both sides of the question. The roads
leading to the scene of controversy were thronged with people of
all classes. Private jaunting cars, gigs, and carriages of every
description, rolled rapidly along. Clergymen of every creed, various as
they are, moved through the streets with eager and hurried pace, each
reverend countenance marked by an anxious expression arising from the
interest its possessor felt in the result of the controversy. People, in
fact, of all ranks and religions, were assembled to hear the leading men
on each side defend their own creeds, and assail those of their enemies.
The professional men relinquished, for the day, their other engagements
and avocations, in order to be present; and invalids, who had not been
long out of their sick rooms, tottered down, wrapped in cloaks, to hear
this great display of learning and eloquence. Early on the preceding
morning, the Catholic Clergy, though without the sanction of their
Bishops, formally signified to the committee of the society, their
intention of meeting them man to man on the platform. Before the door
was open to the crowd at large, the opposing clergymen and the more
select friends on both sides were admitted by a private entrance.
The gallery was set aside for ladies, who, in Ireland, and we believe
everywhere else, form an immense majority at religious meetings.

When the house was thronged to suffocation, none but a man intimately
acquainted with the two-fold character of the audience, could observe
much more within it, than the sea of heads with which it was studded.
The Protestant party looked on with a less devoted, but freer aspect;
not, however, without an evident feeling and pride in the number and
character of their champions. A strong dash of enthusiasm might be seen
in many fair eyes among the females, who whispered to each other an
occasional observation concerning their respective favorites; and
then turned upon the divine champions, smiles that seemed to have been
kindled by the sweet influences of love and piety. Among the Roman
Catholic party there was an expression of wonder created by the novelty
of the scene; of keen observation, evinced by the incessant rolling
of their clear Milesian eyes from one party to another, together with
something like pity and contempt for the infatuated Biblemen, as they
called them, who could so madly rush upon the sharp theological spears
of their own beloved clergymen. Dismay, or doubt, or apprehension of any
kind, were altogether out of the question, as was evident from the proud
look, the elated eye, and the confident demeanor by which each of them
might be distinguished. Here and there, you might notice an able-bodied,
coarse-faced Methodist Preacher, with lips like sausages, sombre visage,
closely cropped hair, trimmed across his face, sighing from time to
time, and, with eyes half closed, offering up a silent prayer for
victory over the Scarlet Lady; or, perhaps, thinking of the fat ham
and chicken, that were to constitute that day's dinner, as was not
improbable, if the natural meaning were to be attached to the savory
spirit with which, from time to time, he licked, or rather sucked at,
his own lips. He and his class, many of whom, however, are excellent
men, sat at a distance from the platform, not presuming to mingle with
persons who consider them as having no title to the clerical character,
except such as they conveniently bestow on each other. Not so the
Presbyterian Clergymen who were present. They mingled with their
brethren of the Establishment, from whom they differed only in a less
easy and gentlemanly deportment, but yielded to them neither in kindness
of intellect, firmness, nor the cool adroitness of men well read,
and quite as well experienced in public speaking. At the skirt of
the platform sat the unassuming Mr. Clement, a calm spectator of the
proceedings; and in the capacity of messenger appeared. Darby O'Drive,
dressed in black--he had not yet entered upon the duties of his new
office--busily engaged in bringing in, and distributing oranges and
other cooling fruit, to those of the Protestant party who were to
address the meeting. High aloft, in the most conspicuous situation
on the platform, sat Solomon M'Slime, breathing of piety, purity, and
humility. He held a gilt Bible in his hands, in order to follow the
parties in their scriptural quotations, and to satisfy himself of their
accuracy, as well as that he might fall upon some blessed text, capable
of enlarging his privileges. There was in his countenance a serene
happiness, a sweet benignity, a radiance of divine triumph, partly
arising from the consciousness of his own inward state, and partly
from the glorious development of scriptural truth which would soon be
witnessed, to the utter discomfiture of Popery and the Man of Sin.
For some time before the business of the day commenced, each party
was busily engaged in private conferences; in marking passages for
reference, arranging notes, and fixing piles of books in the most
convenient position. Mr. Lucre was in full pomp, exceedingly busy,
directing, assisting, and tending their wants, with a proud courtesy,
and a suavity of manner, which no man could better assume. The
deportment and manners of the Roman Catholic clergy were strongly
marked, and exceedingly well defined; especially in determination of
character and vigor of expression. In a word, they were firm, resolute,
and energetic. Among the latter, the busiest by far, and the most
zealous was Father M'Cabe, who assumed among his own party much the same
position that Mr. Lucre did among his. He was, no doubt of it, in great
glee, and searched out for Mr. Lucre's eye, in order to have a friendly
glance with him, before the play commenced. Lucre perceived this, and
avoided him as much as he could; but, in fact, the thing was impossible.
At length he caught the haughty parson's eye, and exclaimed with a
comical grin, which was irresistible--

"I am glad to see you here, Mr. Lucre; who knows, but we may make a
Christian of you yet. You know that we, as Catholics, maintain that the
power of working miracles is in the Church still; and that, certainly,
would prove it."

Mr. Lucre bowed, and smiled contemptuously, but made no reply.

When the chairman was appointed, and the regulations by which the
meeting was to be guided, read and assented to by both parties, the
melee commenced; and, indeed, we are bound to say, that a melancholy
comment upon Christian charity it was. It is not our intention to give
anything like a report of this celebrated discussion, inasmuch, as two
reports, each the genuine and authentic one, and each most egregiously
contradictory of the other, have been for several years before the
public, who, consequently, have a far better right to understand the
business than we do, who are at this distant date merely the remote
historian.

We may be permitted to say, however, that the consequences of this great
discussion were such as are necessarily produced by every exhibition of
the kind. For a considerable time afterwards nothing was heard between
Catholic and Protestant but fierce polemics, and all the trite and wordy
arguments that are to be found in the mouths of ignorant and prejudiced
men on both sides. The social harmony of the district was disturbed, and
that friendly intercourse which should subsist between neighbors, was
either suspended or destroyed. A fierce spirit of exacerbation and
jealousy was created, and men looked Upon each other with bitterness and
resentment; whilst to complete the absurdity, neither party could
boast of a single convert to attest the glory of the triumph which each
claimed.

At this period, the character of the Castle Cumber yeomanry corps, or as
they were called, M'Clutchy's Blood-hounds, was unquestionably in such
infamous odor with all but bigots, in consequence of their violence
when upon duty, that a few of the more mild and benevolent gentry of the
neighborhood, came to the determination of forming a corps composed of
men not remarkable for the extraordinary and exclusive loyalty which put
itself forth in so many offensive and oppressive forms. Deaker's Dashers
were by no means of such rancid bigotry as M'Clutchy's men, although
they were, heaven knows, much worse than they ought to have been.

Their most unjustifiable excesses, however, Were committed in his
absence, and without his orders; for it is due to Deaker himself to
say, that, although a staunch political Protestant and infidel, he never
countenanced violence against those who differed from him in creed.
Deaker's creed was a very peculiar one, and partook of the comic
profligacy which marked his whole life. He believed, for instance,
that Protestantism was necessary, but could not for the life of him
understand the nature or tendency of religion. As he himself said, the
three great Protestant principles and objects of his life were--to drink
the "Glorious Memory "--"To hell with the Pope"--merely because he was
not a Protestant--and to "die whistling the Boyne Water." If he could
accomplish these successfully, he thought he had discharged his duty to
his king and country, and done all that could be fairly expected from an
honest and loyal Protestant. And, indeed, little, if anything else, in
a religious way, was expected from him, or from any other person, at the
period of which we write.

Be this, however, as it may, the formation of a new corps of cavalry was
determined on, and by unanimous consent, the conduct of the matter in
all its departments was entrusted to Mr. Hartley, the gentleman already
mentioned, as selected to contest the county against Lord Cumber or his
brother, for it had not yet been decided on between them, as to which of
them should stand. Lord Cumber expected an Earldom for his virtues, with
a seat in the house of Lords, and should these honors reach him in
time, then his brother, the Hon. Richard Topertoe, should be put in
nomination. In point of fact, matters between the two parties were fast
drawing to a crisis, and it was also in some degree to balance interests
with Lord Cumber, and neutralize the influence of the Irish government,
that Hartley and his friends deemed it advisible to have a cavalry corps
at their disposal. The day of the dissolution of parliament was now
known, and it naturally became necessary that each candidate should be
found at his post.

It was at this very period that a circumstance occurred, which, although
of apparently small importance, was nevertheless productive of an
incident that will form the catastrophe of our chronicles. Our readers
cannot forget the warm language which passed between the man Sharpe and
our exquisite friend, Philip M'Clutchy, on their way from Deaker's. Now,
it is due to this man to say, that, on looking back at the outrage
which occurred in O'Regan's cottage, and reflecting upon the melancholy
consequences it produced--not forgetting the heart-rending insanity of
O'Regan's wife--he felt deep regret, amounting almost to remorse,
for the part which he bore in it. Independently of this, however, the
conduct of Phil and his father, in their military capacity over the
corps, was made up of such tyrranical insolence at one time, and of such
contemptible meanness at another, that the men began to feel disgusted
with such sickening alternations of swaggering authority, and base,
calculating policy. Many of them, consequently, were heartily tired of
their officers, and had already begun to think of withdrawing altogether
from the corps, unless there were some change for the better made in
it. Now, at this precise state of feeling, with regard to both
circumstances, had Sharpe arrived, when he met his lieutenant on the
day when that gallant gentleman signalized himself by horsewhipping his
grandmother. Phil's threat had determined him to return to the Dashers,
but, on hearing a day or two afterwards, that Hartley was about to raise
a new corps, composed of well-conducted and orderly men, he resolved
not only to offer himself to that gentleman, but to induce all who
were moderate among the "hounds," and, indeed, they were not many,
to accompany him. This alarmed M'Clutchy very much, because on Lord
Cumber's arrival to canvass the county, it would look as if his
Lordship's interests had been neglected; and he feared, too, that the
withdrawing of the men from his corps might lead to investigations
which were strongly to be deprecated. After a day or two's inquiries,
therefore, and finding that from eighteen to twenty of his youngest
and most respectable yeomanry had not only returned him their arms and
appointments, but actually held themselves ready to be enrolled in the
Annagh Corps--for so Hartley's was termed--he sat down and wrote the
following letter to Lord Cumber:--

"Constitution Cottage, June--

"My Lord:

"Circumstances affecting your Lordship's personal and political
interests have recently occurred here, and are even now occurring, which
render it my painful duty to communicate with you on the subject without
loss of time. I am sorry to say that the conduct of Mr. Hartley,
your well known opponent for the county, is not that which becomes a
high-minded man. The Cavalry Corps of which your Lordship is Colonel,
and which, by the way, has rendered good service in the firm discharge
of their duty, has been very much damaged by the extraordinary conduct
which that gentleman is pursuing. The fact is, that he has taken it
into his head, aided and assisted of course by his friends and political
supporters, to raise a corps of Yeomanry Cavalry as it were, in
opposition to ours; and this, no doubt, he has a right to do; although
I am quite certain, at the same time, that it is done with a view to
secure either the support, or at least the neutrality of government;
which neutrality would, as your Lordship knows, be a heavy blow to
us. However, as I said, he has as good a right as we have to raise his
corps; but I do not think he is justified in writing private circulars,
or in tampering with the men of our corps, many of whom he has already
seduced from their duty, and lured over with honeyed words and large
promises to the body he is raising. The fact is, my Lord, if our
men were not so devotedly attached to my son and myself as they are,
Hartley's unjustifiable interference would leave the corps a mere
skeleton. As it is, he has taken eighteen of our very best men from us;
by best, I allude only to youth and physical energy, for I need scarcely
say, that all the staunch and loyal fellows remain with us. I am
sorry to add that Mr. Hickman, as I predicted he would, is vigorously
supporting your opponent; and there is a scoundrel here who is often
closeted with him--a rascally painter named Easel, _quem ego_--you see
I have a little of my Latin still, my Lord. The fellow--this wild goose,
Easel, I mean--says he has come to the neighborhood to take sketches;
but if I don't mistake much I shall ere long put him in a condition to
sketch the Bay of Sidney. I have already reported him to government,
and, indeed, I have every reason to suppose he is a Popish Agent, sent
here to sow the seeds of treason and disaffection among the people.
Nothing else can account for the dreadful progress which Whiteboyism has
made upon your Lordship's property, where it is much more outrageous and
turbulent than in any other district that I am acquainted with. I have
also to acquaint you, my Lord, that even if I were disposed to keep
M'Loughlin and Harman on the property--that is, granting that I were
sufficiently treacherous to your interest to do so, it is now out of my
power. Their own dishonesty has at length fallen upon their heads. They
are bankrupts, and not now in a condition to pay a renewal fine for
their leases; but I am happy to inform your Lordship, that my son
Phil, and Mr. M'Slime, have each offered five hundred pounds for their
respective holdings--a tender which I might in vain expect from any
other quarter and which I cannot conscientiously refuse.

"Harman was acquitted for the murder of Harpur--in consequence, it is
thought, of a treacherous scoundrel, named Sharpe, who was once one of
our corps, having taken a bribe to give evidence in his favor. This same
Sharpe is to be a sergeant in Hartley's corps; and, when I say that,
Hartley and Harman are and have been on very intimate terms, I think
it shows how the wind blows between them, at all events. I have been
receiving rent yesterday and to-day, and cannot but regret the desperate
state to which things have been brought. There is no gettin' in
money, and the only consolation I feel is, that I have honestly and
conscientiously discharged my duty. I have cleared a great number of
our enemies from the property, but, unfortunately, such is the state
of things here, that there is the greater number of the holdings still
unoccupied, other tenants that we could depend on being afraid to enter
upon them, in consequence of the spirit of intimidation that is abroad.
This M'Loughlin is certainly a most consummate swindler: he was unable
to pay his rent, and I sent in an execution yesterday; but, as every one
knows, fourteen days must elapse before the public auction of property
takes place. Judge of my surprise then, when, short as was the time, an
affidavit has been made before me, that he and his family have come to
the determination of emigrating to America, and, I suppose, by the aid
of a midnight mob to take away all that is valuable of their property
by force. I consequently must remove it at once, as the law, under such
circumstances, empowers me to do--for I cannot sit by and suffer your
lordship' to be robbed, in addition to being both misrepresented and
maligned by these men and their families. Granting the full force,
however, of this unpleasant intelligence, still I do not think it
necessary that you should at present leave the circles of polished and
fashionable life in which you move, to bury yourself here among a set
of malignant barbarians, who would scruple very little to slit your
lordship's weasand, or to shoot you from behind a hedge.

"I am in correspondence with Counsellor Browbeater, at the Castle, who,
in addition to the glorious privilege of being, as he deserves to be,
free of the Back Trot there, is besides a creature after my own heart.
We are both engaged in attempting to bring the Spy System to that state
of perfection which we trust may place it on a level with that fine old
institution, so unjustly abused, called the Inquisition. Browbeater is,
indeed, an exceedingly useful man to the present government, and does
all that in him lies, I mean out of his own beat, to prevent them from
running into financial extravagance. For instance, it was only the other
day that he prevented a literary man with a large family from getting a
pension from the Premier, who, between you and me, my lord, is no great
shake; and this was done in a manner that entitles him to a very
lasting remembrance indeed. The principle upon which he executed this
interesting and beautiful piece of treachery--for treachery of this
kind, my lord, is in the catalogue of public virtues--was well worthy of
imitation by every man emulous of office; it was that of professing
to be a friend to the literary man, whilst he acted the spy upon his
private life, and misrepresented him to the Minister. Oh, you do not
know, my lord, how the heart of such a man as I am, warms to the author
of this manly act of private treachery and public virtue, and I cannot
help agreeing with my friend M'Slime, who, when he heard it, exclaimed
with tears of admiration in his eyes, 'it is beautiful--verily the
virtuous iniquity of it refreshes me! May that mild, meek, and most
gentlemanly Christian, Mr. Browbeater, be rewarded for it! And may the
day never come when he shall require to tread in the footsteps of the
devil!' Indeed, my lord, I cannot help crying amen to this, and adding,
that the remembrance of his virtues may descend and reflect honor on
his posterity, as, I have no doubt, they will do. How few like him could
transfuse the spirit of the Tipperary assassin into the moral principles
of the Castle, for useful purpose? I beg to inclose, your lordship, Mr.
Hartley's circular, which, I think, contains an indirect reflection on
certain existing bodies of a similar nature, and is therefore, in my
opinion, very offensive to us; I also enclose you others which he has
written to several of your tenants, who are already members of your own
corps,

"I have the honor to be, &c, &c,
"Val M'Clutchy."


The following is the circular alluded to above--

"Sir: As a proposal to raise an additional yeomanry corps of
_respectable_ cavalry in Castle Cumber and its vicinity is about to be
submitted to the Lord Lieutenant, in order to receive his approbation,
your presence is requested at Sam Company's Castle Cumber Arms, at
twelve o'clock on Friday next, when it is proposed to name officers,
and adopt such further measures as may appear most conducive to the
embodiment of the corps with expedition and effect.

"I am, sir,
"Your humble servant,
"Henry Hartley."


To his letter Val received the following reply--

"Belgrave Square.

"Dear Sir: I received your letter, and perfectly agree with you as to
the offensive nature of Mr. Hartley's circular, many of which I have had
in my possession for some time past. With respect to him, I have only
to say, that he and I have agreed to arrange that matter between us, as
soon as I reach Castle Cumber. I am sorry that any of my tenants should
deserve the character which M'Loughlin and his partner have received
at your hand; I dare say, however, that if they did not deserve it they
would not get it. The arrangements for their removal, of course I leave
as I hitherto have left everything within the sphere of your duty, to
your own sense of honesty and justice. _Do not, however, take harsh
or sudden steps_. In the meantime lose not a moment in remitting the
needful.

"Yours, &c,
"Cumber."


It is not at all likely that Lord Cumber would ever have noticed
Hartley's circular, or troubled himself about the formation of the
new corps in the slightest degree were it not for the malignity of
M'Clutchy, who not only hated the whole family of the Hartleys from the
same principle on which a knave hates an honest man, but in remembrance
of that gentleman's cousin having, in his office, and in his own
presence, kicked his son Phil and pulled his nose. When enclosing
the circular, therefore, to his lordship, he underlined the word
"respectable," by which it was made to appear deliberately offensive.
Whether it was used with the design of reflecting upon the licentious
violence of the blood-hounds, we pretend not to say, but we can safely
affirm that the word in the original document was never underlined
by Hartley. Lord Cumber, like his old father, was no coward, and
the consequence was, that having once conceived the belief that the
offensive term in the circular was levelled at his own corps--although
he had never even seen it--he, on the receipt of M'Clutchy's letter,
came to the determination of writing to Hartley upon the subject.


Lord Cumber to Henry Hartley, Esq.:--

"Sir: I have just perused a circular written by you, calling a meeting
at the Castle Cumber Arms, with the object of forming what you are
pleased to term, a yeomanry corps of _respectable_ cavalry. Now you are
perfectly at liberty to bestow whatever epithets you wish upon your new
corps, provided these epithets contain no unfair insinuation against
existing corps. I think, therefore, that whilst others have been for
some time already formed in the neighborhood, your use of the term
respectable was, to say the least of it, unhandsome. I also perceive
that you have written to some of my tenants, who are already enrolled
in the Castle Cumber corps, and am informed that several of my men have
already given up their arms and clothing, on account of an application
from you to join your corps. I presume, sir, you did not know that these
persons belonged to the Castle Cumber troops, for, however anxious
in the cause you may be, I need not point out to you a very obvious
fact--to wit--that weakening a corps already embodied only tends to
defeat the purpose for which it was designed. I take it, therefore, for
granted, that no gentleman, however great his influence, would ask any
soldier to desert his colors, and I am sure you will tell those men that
they ought to remain in the body in which they were enrolled, and in
which enrollment their names have been returned to the war office. In
conclusion, I think that the tenant who does not reserve to himself the
power of serving the landlord under whom he derives the whole of his
property, is, in my opinion, both ungrateful and unprincipled: and
he who solicits him to resign that essential reservation is, I think,
extremely indelicate.

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