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Valentine M'Clutchy, The Irish Agent by William Carleton

W >> William Carleton >> Valentine M\'Clutchy, The Irish Agent




"No marriage, then," said Phil. "No marriage; but what keeps Darby
O'Drive? the rascal should have been here before--oh no," said he,
looking at his watch, "he has better than half an hour yet."

"What steps do you intend to take, father?"

"Phil, when I'm prepared, you shall know them. In the meantime leave
me--I must write to M'Slime, or send to him. M'Slime's useful at a hint
or suggestion, but, with all his wiliness and hypocrisy, not capable of
carrying a difficult matter successfully out; he overdoes everything by
too much caution, and consequently gets himself into ridiculous scrapes,
besides I cannot and will not place full confidence in him. He is too
oily, and cants too much, to be trusted; I think, still, we may use him
and overreach him into the bargain. Are you going into Castle Cumber?"

"I am."

"Well, drop these couple of letters in the post office, and tell Rankin
he must have the Garts finished by Monday next, at the farthest, or it
will be worse for him. By the way, I have that fellow in my eye too--he
had the assurance to tell me the other day, that he could not possibly
undertake the carts until he had M'Loughlin's job at the manufactory
finished. Off with you now, I see O'Drive and Hanlon coming up."

Graceful Phil in a few minutes was mounted in his usual lofty state on
"Handsome Harry," and dashed off to Castle Cumber.

It may not be improper here, before we proceed farther, to give the
reader some additional knowledge of the parentage and personal history
of Mr. Valentine M'Clutchy, as well as a brief statement concerning the
Castle Cumber property, and the gentleman who acted in the capacity of
head agent.

The mother, then, of Valentine M'Clutchy, or as he was more generally
called Val the Vulture, was daughter to the county goaler, Christie
Clank by name, who had risen regularly through all the gradations of
office, until the power of promotion could no farther go. His daughter,
Kate Clank, was a celebrated beauty, and enjoyed a considerable extent
of local reputation, independently of being a great favorite with the
junior portion of the grand jury. Among the latter, however, there was
one, a young squire of very libertine principles, named Deaker, whose
suit to the fair Miss Clank proved more successful than those of his
competitors, and the consequence was the appearance of young Val. The
reader, therefore, already perceives that M'Clutchy's real name was
Deaker; but perhaps he is not aware that, in the times of which we
write, it was usual for young unmarried men of wealth not to suffer
their illegitimate children to be named after them. There were, indeed,
many reasons for this. In the first place, the mere fact of assuming the
true name, was a standing argument of the father's profligacy. Secondly,
the morals of the class and the period were so licentious, that the
legitimate portion of a family did not like to be either outnumbered or
insulted by their namesakes and illegitimate relatives, almost at
every turn of the public roads. In the third place, a young man of
this description could not, when seeking for a wife, feel the slightest
inclination to have a living catalogue of his immoralities enumerated
to her, under the names of Tom, or Dick, or Val so and so, all his
children. This, of course, was an involuntary respect paid to modesty,
and perhaps the strongest argument for suppressing the true name. The
practice, however, was by no means universal; but in frequent instances
it existed, and Val the Vulture's was one of them. He was named after
neither father or mother, but after his grandmother, by the gaoler's
side. Deaker would not suffer his name to be assumed; and so far as
his mother was concerned, the general tenor of her life rendered the
reminiscence of her's anything but creditable to her offspring. With
respect to his education, Val's gratitude was principally due to his
grandfather Clank, who had him well instructed. He himself, from the
beginning, was shrewd, clever, and intelligent, and possessed the power,
in a singular degree, of adapting himself to his society, whenever he
felt it his interest to do so. He could, indeed, raise or depress his
manners in a very surprising degree, and with an effort that often
occasioned astonishment. On the other hand, he was rapacious,
unscrupulous, cowardly, and so vindictive, that he was never known to
forgive an injury. These are qualities to which, when you add natural
adroitness and talent, you have such a character as has too frequently
impressed itself, with something like the agreeable sensations produced
by a red hot burning iron, upon the distresses, fears, and necessities
of the Irish people.

M'Clutchy rose from the humble office of process-server to that of
bailiff's follower, bailiff, head-bailiff, barony constable, until,
finally, he felt himself a kind of factotum on the Castle Cumber
property; and in proportion as he rose, so did his manners rise with
him. For years before his introduction to our readers, he was the
practical manager of the estate; and so judiciously did he regulate
his own fortunes on it, that without any shameless or illegal breach of
honesty, he actually contrived to become a wealthy man, and to live in
a respectable manner. Much, however, will have more, and Val was
rapacious. On finding himself comparatively independent, he began to
take more enlarged, but still very cautious measures to secure some of
the good things of the estate to him and his. This he was the better
able to do, as he had, by the apparent candor of his manner, completely
wormed himself into the full confidence of the head agent--a gentleman
of high honor and integrity, remarkable alike for humanity and
benevolence; but utterly without suspicion. Two or three farms, whose
leases dropped, he most iniquitously took into his own hands, and so
far wheedled the agent, that he induced that gentleman to think he was
rendering a service to the property by doing so. The tenantry now
began to murmur--a complaint came here, and another there--here was an
instance of private and disguised oppression; and this was followed by
a, vindictive attempt to injure either the property or character of some
one who had the courage to tell him what he thought of his conduct.

Val apprehending that he might be out-borne by too powerful a mass
of testimony, contrived just then, through his misrepresentations to the
agent, who still confided in him, and by the political influence of
his father, the squire, who was the landlord's strongest electioneering
supporter in the county, to get himself formally appointed under-agent.
Feeling now quite confident in his strength, and that his hold on the
prejudices, and, we may add, the ignorance of the absentee landlord, was
as strong, if not stronger than those of the agent himself, he began
to give a greater and less guarded scope to his natural principles.
Mr. Hickman, the agent, had been strongly disgusted by the political
profligacy with which the union was carried; and had, on more than one
occasion, intimated a doubt whether, as an honest man, he could render
political support to any one who had participated in its corruption or
recognized the justice of those principles on which it had been
carried. All this gave M'Clutchy that imperturbable insolence which is
inseparable from petty tyranny and licensed extortion. Day after day did
his character come out in all its natural deformity. The outcry against
him was not now confined to this portion of the property, or that--it
became pretty general; and, perhaps, at the time we have brought him on
the stage, there was not a man in Ireland, holding the situation he did,
who was more feared and more detested.

Some time previous to this, however, Hickman's eyes were opened to his
undisguised character, and what he could do he did. On finding that the
Vulture was reviving all the oppressive usages with which property
in Ireland is so penally taxed, he immediately gave orders that such
exactions should be discontinued by M'Clutchy, and resisted by the
tenants. In spite of all this, however, there were upon the property
many timid persons, who, dreading his malignity of purpose, still
continued to yield to his avarice and rapacity, that which nothing else
but a dread of his vengeance could extort from them. Thus did he feather
his nest at the expense of their terrors.

Hickman, who had also been agent to old Topertoe, felt a kind of
personal attachment to that good-humored reprobate, so long as he
believed him to be honest. Old Tom's venality, however, at the union,
made him rather sick of the connection, and the conduct, or rather
expensive profligacy of the young absentee Lord, rendered his situation,
as an honest and humane agent, one of great pain to himself, considering
his position between landlord and tenant.

He knew besides, that many men of his class had taken most scandalous
advantages of the embarrassments which their dishonesty had occasioned
in the affairs of their employers, and lent them their own rents in the
moments of distress, in order to get a lien on their property. For this
reason, and out of a feeling of honor and self-respect, Mr. Hickman had
made it a point of principle to lend the young Lord, no money under any
circumstances. As far as he could legitimately, and within the ordinary
calculations of humanity, feed Lord Cumber's prodigality of expenditure
he did it. This, however, was not exactly the kind of agent which his
lordship wanted, and however highly he respected, and honored him, still
that direful word necessity goaded him into a forgetfulness of his own
real interests, and of what was due to Hickman. He wanted an agent
with less feeling, less scruple, less independence, and more of that
accommodating principle which would yield itself to, and go down with,
the impetuous current of his offensive vices, and satisfy their cravings
even at his own ruin. Such, then, was M'Clutchy--such the position of
Mr. Hickman, the agent--and such the general state of the Castle Cumber
property. As to the principles and necessities of its proprietor, if
they are not already known, we may assure our readers that they soon
will be.

Constitution Cottage, M'Clutchy's residence, was, in fact, no cottage at
all, as we have said, but a very respectable house, and of considerable
size. Attached to it was an extensive yard and office houses, an
excellent garden, orchard, pigeon house, and everything, in fact, that
could constitute substantial comfort and convenience. It was situated
beside a small clump of old beeches, that sheltered it from the
north--to the front lay, at a few miles distance, a range of fine
mountains--and between them stretched as rich a valley, both in
fertility and beauty, as the eye of man could rest upon. The ground
before the door fell by an easy and gradual descent, until a little
further down it reached a green expanse of level meadow, through which
a clear river wound its lingering course, as if loth to pass away from
between the rich and grassy banks that enclosed it. It was, in fact, a
spot of that calm and perfectly rural character which draws the heart
unconsciously to the secret charm that rests upon it, and which even the
casual traveler leaves behind him with regret. Some improvements were
at the present time in an incipient state--such as plantations--garden
walls--and what seemed the lines of an avenue, or approach to the house,
which, by the way, stood in the centre of a farm that consisted of about
eighty Irish acres.

At length a single knock came, which was given by O'Drive, for Hanlon,
who was his assistant, durst not attempt such a thing in his presence;
and if ever a knock conveyed the duplicity of the man who gave it, that
did. Though, as we said, but a single one, yet there was no mistaking
its double meaning. It was impudent and servile; it was impudent, as
much as to say to the servants, "why don't you open the door quickly for
a man who is so deep in your master's confidence as I am?" while to that
master himself, it said, or seemed to say, "I am your creature, your
instrument, your slave, ready to execute any oppression, any hardship,
or villainy, on which you can employ me."

It is said, and we believe with truth, that in military life no officer
is so severe and oppressive as he who has risen from the ranks, and been
most obsequious there. We do not doubt it, for the principle is a strong
one in human nature, and is by no means confined to either the army or
navy. At all events,'shuffling, and cringing, and slinking Darby O'Drive
presented himself to Val the Vulture. There was a downcast, cowardly,
shy, uneasy, expression in his blank, straggling features, that seemed
to say, for God's sake spare my very life--don't annihilate me--here
I am--you see through me--heart, spirit, and soul--body, lungs, and
lights--could I tell _you_ a lie? No. Could I deceive you--such a man as
you, that can look through me as if I was a lanthorn, or a pane of
glass without a bull's eye in it. No! only let me live and I'll do your
bidding.

"Well," said Val, in a sharp, imperious;one, "you're punctual for a
wonder."

"God be praised for that," replied Darby, wiping the top of his nose
with the finger and thumb of an old mitten, "heaven be praised that I'm
not late."

"Hold your damned canting, tongue, you knave, what place is this for
it?"

"Knave! well I am then."

"Yes, you know you are--you are all knaves--every bailiff is a
knave--ahem--unless, indeed, one in a thousand."

"It's truth, indeed, plaise your honor."

"Not but there's worse than you after all, and be damned to you."

"An' betther, sir, too, i' you please, for sure, God help me, I'm not
what I ought to be."

"Well, mend then, why don't you? for you want it. Come now, no jaw, I
tell you, but answer me what I am about to ask you; not a word now."

"Well, no then, plaise your honor, I won't in throth."

"Did you warn the townland of Ballymackscud?"

"Yis, plaise your honor."

"Are they ready--have they the rent?"

"Only some o' them, sir,--an other some is axin' for time, the thieves."

"Who are asking for time?"

"Why the O'Shaughrans, sir--hopin', indeed, that your honor will let
them wait till the markets rises, an not be forced to sell the grain
whin the prices is so low now that it would ridin them--but it's
wondherful the onraisonableness of some people. Says I, 'his honor, Mr.
M'Clutchy, is only doin' his duty; but a betther hearted or a kinder man
never bruk the world's bread than he is to them that desarves it at
his hands;' so, sir, they began to--but--well, well, it's no matther--I
tould them they were wrong--made it plain to them--but they wouldn't be
convinced, say what I might."

"Why, what did they say, were they abusing me--I suppose so?"

"Och! the poor sowls, sure it was only ignorance and foolishness on
their part--onraisonable cratures all or most of them is."

"Let me know at once what they said, you knave, or upon my honor and
soul I'll turn you out of the room and bring in Hanlon."

"Plaise your honor, he wasn't present--I left him outside, in regard
that I didn't think he was fit to be trust--a safe with--no matther,
'twas for a raison I had." He gave a look at M'Clutchy as he spoke,
compounded of such far and distant cunning, scarcely perceptible--and
such obvious, yet retreating cowardice, scarcely perceptible also---that
no language could convey any notion of it.

"Ah!" said Val, "you are a neat lad--but go on--what did they say, for I
must have it out of you."

"That I may die in happiness, your honor, but I'm afeard to tell
you--but, sure, if you'd give your promise, sir--your bright word of
honor, that you'd not pay me off for it, I'll tell you."

"Ah! you d----d crawling reptile, out with it--I won't pay you off."

[Illustration: PAGE 142-- there's as many curses before you in hell]

"Well, then, here it is--oh! the curse o' Cromwell on them this day,
for an ungrateful pack! they said, your honor, that--bad luck to them I
pray--that there wasn't so black-hearted a scoundrel on the face of the
airth as your four quarthers--that the gallows is gapin' for you--and
that there's as many curses before you in hell as 'ud blisther a
griddle."

M'Clutchy's face assumed its usual expression of diabolical malignity,
whilst, at the same time, he gave a look so piercing at Darby, as if
suspecting that the curse, from its peculiar character, was at least
partially his own invention,--that the latter, who stood like a
criminal, looking towards the floor, felt precisely what was going
forward in the other's mind, and knew that he had nothing else for
it but to look him steadily in the face, as a mark of his perfect
innocence. Gradually, therefore, and slowly he raised his small gray
eyes until they met those of M'Clutchy, and thus the gaze continued
for nearly a minute between them, and that with such steadiness on both
sides, that they resembled a mesmeric doctor and his patient, rather
than anything else to which we could compare them. On the part of
M'Clutchy the gaze was that of an inquisitor looking into the heart of
him whom he suspected; on that of Darby, the eye, unconscious of evil,
betrayed nothing but the purest simplicity and candor.

And yet, when we consider that Darby most unquestionably did not only
ornament, but give peculiar point to the opinions expressed by the
tenantry against the Vulture, perhaps we ought to acknowledge that of
the two he possessed a larger share of histrionic talent.

At length M'Clutchy, whose eye, for reasons with which the reader is
already acquainted, was never either a firm or a steady one, removed it
from Darby, who nevertheless followed it with a simple but pertinacious
look, as much as to say, I have told you truth, and am now waiting your
leisure to proceed.

"What do you stare at?" said M'Clutchy, strongly disposed to vent his
malignity on the next object to him; "and, you beggarly scoundrel, what
did you say to that? Tell me, or I'll heave you, head foremost, through
the window?"

"Why," replied Darby, in a quiet, confident, and insinuating tone, "I
raisoned wid them--raisoned wid them like a Christian. 'Now, Sheemus
O'Shaughran,' says I, 'you've said what I know to be a lie. I'm not the
man to put ill between you and his honor, Mr. M'Clutchy, but at the same
time,' says I, 'I'm his sarvint, and as an honest man I must do my duty.
I don't intend to mintion a syllable of what you said this day; but as
his sarvint, and gettin' bread through him, and undher him, I can't, nor
I won't, suffer his honor to be backbitten before his own face--for it's
next to that. Now,' says I, 'be guided by me, and all will be right. In
the first place, you know, he's entitled to _duty-fowl_*--in the next
place, he's entitled to _duty-work_.' 'Ay, the landlord is,' said they,
'but not the Vul----' 'Whisht,' says I, in a friendly whisper, puttin'
my hand across Dan's mouth, an' winkin' both my eyes at him; 'send his
honor down a pair of them fine fat turkeys--I know his honor's fond
o' them; but that's not all,' says I--'do you wish to have a friend in
coort? I know you do. Well and good--he's drawing gravel to make a new
avenue early next week, so, Sheemus O'Shaughran, if you wish to have
two friends in coort--a great one and a little one'--manin' myself, God
pardon me, for the little one, your honor--'you will,' says I 'early on
next Monday mornin', send down a pair of horses and carts, and give him
a week's duty work. Then,' says I, 'lave the rest to _somebody_, for I
won't name names.'--No, your honor, I did'nt bring Hanlon in.--By the
same token, as a proof of it, there's young Bandy Shaughran, the son,
wid a turkey under aich arm, comin'up to the hall door."

* These were iniquitous exactions, racked from the poor
tenantry by the old landlords or their agents.

"Well," proceeded M'Clutchy, without a single observation, "did you call
on the Slevins?"

"Yes, sir; they're ready."

"The Magonnels?"

"Not ready, sir; but a pair of geese, and two men on next Thursday and
Saturday. On Friday they must go to market to buy two _slips_." (* young
pigs).

"Widow Gaffney?"

"Not ready, sir; but that I may never die in sin, a 'cute shaver."

"Why so--what did she say?"

"Oh, Mr. Hickman, sir, the head agent, your honor; that's the go.
Throth, the same Mr. Hickman is--but, God forbid, sir, I'd spake a word
against the absent; but any way, he's a good round thrifle, one way or
the other, out of your pocket, from Jinny-warry to December."

"Darby, my good man, and most impertinent scoundrel, if you wish
to retain your present situation, never open your lips against that
excellent gentleman, Mr. Hickman. Mark my words--out you go, if I ever
discover that you mention him with disrespect."

"Well, I won't then; and God forgive me for spakin' the truth--when it's
not right."

"Did you see the Mulhollands?"

"Mr. Hickman again, sir, an' bad luck to---- Beg pardon, sir, I forgot.
Throth, sir, when I mentioned the duty work an' the new aveny, they
whistled at you."

"Whistled at me!"

"Yes, sir; an' said that Mr. Hickman tould them to give you neither duty
fowl nor duty work, but to do their own business, and let you do yours.
Ay, and 'twas the same from all the rest."

"Well," said Val, going to the window and looking abroad for a minute
or two,--"well--so much for Ballymackscud; now for its next neighbor,
Ballymackfud."

"Mr. Hickman again, sir. The divil sweep the same Hickman, any way,"
said Darby, in an aside, which he knew the other could easily hear. "Out
of the whole townland, sir, all I got was two men for the aveny--a goose
from Barney Scadden, and her last ten, along wid half-a-dozen eggs, from
that dacent creature, widow M'Murt. Throth four fine little clildre she
has, if they had anything on them, or anything to keep body and sowl
together."

"You warned them all, of course?"

"Every sowl in the townland of Ballymackt 'ud; and there's the upshot.
But it's all Mr. Hickman, sir; for he tould them--'I will have none of
this work,' says he; 'the tenants musn't be harrished and fleeshed
in this manner,' says he. Yes, your honor, that's the upshot from
Ballymackfud--two day's work--a sick goose (for I disremembered
to mention that Barney said, wid a wink, that she'd require great
attintion, as she was in a delicate state of health)--one ould hen, and
a half-a-dozen eggs; which wouldn't be the case, only for Hickman--not
but he's a very respectable gentleman--by all accounts."

"I told you before, sirra, that I will have nothing offensive to him
mentioned in my presence. Give this letter to Mr. M'Slime, and bring me
an answer as soon as you can. Will you have a glass of spirits?"

"Would it be intherfairin' wid my duty, sir?"

"If you think so, don't take it; you ought to know best."

"Well, then, for this one time, in regard of a _Lhin-roe_* or the red
wather in my stomach, I'll try it. I drank bog-bine last night goin' to
bed, but divil a morsel o' good it did me."

* Lhin-roe, or red water--the Irish name for heart-burn.

M'Clutchy handed him a full glass, which he held steadily before his
eye, till the other put up the decanter.

"Your honor's health, sir," said he, "and fireside; and if you war to
throw me out o' fifty windies, I'll add to that--here's wishin' that the
divil had his own, and I know where you'd soon be."

"How, you villainous scoundrel," said Val, starting with rising wrath,
"what do you mean by that?"

Darby made no reply, but hastily tossing off the glass, he seized his
hat, bolted outside the door, and putting in his head, said in a kind of
loud but confidential whisper--

"IN HICKMAN'S PLACE, your honor!"




CHAPTER III.--Solomon M'Slime, a Religious Attorney

--Solomon M'Slime, a Religious Attorney--His Office--Family
Devotions--Substitute for Breakfast--Misprision Blasphemy--Letter on
Business.


Pass we now to another worthy character, who had locality upon the
aforesaid property of Castle Cumber. Solomon M'Slime, the law agent, was
a satisfactory proof of the ease with which religion and law may meet
and aid each other in the heart and spirit of the same person. An
attorney, no doubt, is at all times an amiable, honest, and feeling
individual, simply upon professional principles; but when to all this is
added the benignant influence of serious and decided piety, it would not
be an easy task to find, among the several classes which compose society
in general, anything so truly engaging, so morally taintless, so sweetly
sanctimonious, so seductively comely, as is that pure and evengelical
exhibition of human character, that is found to be developed in a
religious attorney.

Solomon M'Slime was a man in whose heart the two principles kept their
constant residence; indeed so beautifully were they blended, that his
law might frequently be mistaken for religion, just as his religion,
on the other hand, was often known to smack strongly of law. In this
excellent man, these principles accommodated each with a benignant
indulgence, that manifested the beauty of holiness in a high degree.
If, for instance, law in its progress presented to him any obstacle of
doubtful morality, religion came forward with a sweet but serious smile,
and said to her companion, "My dear friend, or sister, in this case I
permit you." And on the contrary, if religion felt over sensitive or
scrupulous, law had fifty arguments of safety, and precedent, and
high authority to justify her. But, indeed, we may observe, that in
a religious attorney these illiberal scruples do not often occur.
Mr. M'Slime knew the advantages of religion too well, to feel that
contraction of the mind and principles, which in so many ordinary cases
occasions religion and common morality to become almost identical.
Religion was to him a friend--a patroness in whose graces he stood so
high, that she permitted him to do many things which those who were more
estranged from her durst not attempt. He enjoyed that state of blessed
freedom which is accorded to so few, and, consequently, had his
"permissions" and his "privileges" to go in the wicked wayfares of this
trying world much greater lengths than those, who were less gifted
and favored by the sweet and consoling principle which regulated and
beautified his life.

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