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Valentine M'Clutchy, The Irish Agent by William Carleton

W >> William Carleton >> Valentine M\'Clutchy, The Irish Agent




"I think I have shown you that there is little in the Church of Ireland
that is likely to regulate or purify the spirit of Orangeism when coming
in contact with itself. That it had little to gain from the Church in
a spiritual way, and that the Church is not fulfilling the ends of
her establishment here in any sense, is evident from the Report in the
little work from which I have taken these extracts. In that passage
it would appear that the very existence of a Church is forgotten
altogether; for Orangeism is termed 'an institution, whose chief
object--whatever political shape it may assume--is to preserve the
Protestant religion.' I will now, before I close this batch, direct your
attention to one or two passages that prove most distinctly the fact,
that there stand clear in this oath of an Orangeman, principles, founded
on foregone practices and conclusions, which never should have existence
in a country so situated as this is.

"The Orangemen, for instance, in the paper headed their 'General
Declaration,' say, 'We associate for the defence of our persons and
properties, and to maintain the peace of the country; and for these
purposes we will be at all times ready to assist the civil and military
powers in the just and lawful discharge of their duty.'

"This, now, is all very plausible, but, perhaps, by looking a little
more closely into the circumstances of the case, we may be able to
perceive that in this passage, and one or two others of a similar
character, the most objectionable part of the system lies disguised--if
one can say disguised, because to me, my dear Spinageberd, the matter
seems obvious enough. Who, then, are these men that come forward with
arms in their hands, to proffer aid to the civil and military powers in
the discharge of their duty? A self-constituted body without authority,
who have certainly proved themselves to be brave men, and rendered most
important services to the state, at a time when such services were, no
doubt, both necessary and acceptable. The crisis, however, in which this
aid was given and received, being but of brief duration, soon passed
away, leaving the party opposed to government--the rebels--broken,
punished, flogged, banished, hanged; in fact, completely discomfited,
subdued, beaten down. In other words, the rebellion of '98 having been
thoroughly suppressed, this self-elected body of men, tasting the sweets
of authority, retain, under different circumstances, these obligations,
which, we admit, the previous situation of the country had rendered
necessary. They retain them in times of peace, and bring into operation
against men who were no longer either in a disposition or capacity to
resist, those strong prejudices and that fierce spirit which, originated
in tumult and civil war. Why, nobody complains of the conduct of
Orangemen, as a, body, in '98; it is of their outrages since, that the
country, and such as were opposed to them, have a right to complain.

"In another passage the declaration is still stronger and more
significant: 'We further declare,' say they, 'that we are exclusively a
Protestant association; yet, detesting as we do, any intolerant spirit,
we solemnly pledge ourselves to each other, that we will not persecute,
injure, nor upbraid any person on account of his religious opinions,
provided the same be not hostile to the state.'

'"That is to say, they will persecute, injure, or upbraid such persons
only whose religious opinions are hostile to the state. But, now, let
me ask any man of common sense, if he could for a moment hesitate to
declare on oath what religion they have alluded to as being hostile to
the state? There is, in truth, but one answer to be given--the Roman
Catholic. What else, then, is this excessive loyalty to the state but a
clause of justification for their own excesses, committed in the name,
and on the behalf of religion itself? Did they not also constitute
themselves the judges who were first to determine the nature of these
opinions, and afterwards the authorities who should punish them? Here
is one triumphant party with arms in their hand, who have only, if they
wish, to mark out a victim, and declare his religion and principles
as hostile to the state; and, lo! they are at liberty, by their own
regulations, to 'persecute' him!

"In the 5th secret article there occurs the following:--'We are not to
carry away money, goods, or anything, from any person whatever, except
arms and ammunition, and these only from an enemy.'

"This certainly shows the nature of the cruel and domiciliary tyranny
which they, subsequently to '98, carried to such excess in different
parts of the country; and here, as in the other instance, what was there
to guide them in determining the crime which constituted an enemy?
Why, their own fierce prejudices alone. Here, then, we find a body
irresponsible and self-constituted, confederated together, and trained
in the use of arms (but literally unknown to the constitution), sitting,
without any legal authority, upon the religious opinions of a class
that are hateful and obnoxious to them--and, in fact, combining within
themselves the united offices of both judge and executioner. With
the character of their loyalty I have no quarrel; I perceive it is
conditional; but the doctrine of unconditional loyalty is so slavish and
absurd, that the sooner such an unnecessary fetterlock is struck off the
mind the better. To-morrow evening, however, I am to be introduced to an
Orange Lodge, after the actual business of it shall have been transacted
and closed. This is a privilege not conceded to many, but it is one of
which I shall very gladly avail myself, in order that I may infer from
their conduct some faint conception of what it generally is."




CHAPTER XIX.--An Orange Lodge at Full Work

--Solomon in all his Glory--He Defines Drinking to be a Religious
Exercise--True Blue and the Equivocal--Phil's Eloquence--A Charter
Toast.


From the same to the same.

"Friday, * * *

"The order of business for each night of meeting is, I find, as
follows:--1. Lodge to open with prayer, members standing. 2. General
rules read. 3. Members proposed. 4. Reports from committee. 5. Names of
members called over. 6. Members balloted for. 7. Members made. 8. Lodge
to close with prayer, members standing.

"It was about eight o'clock, when, accompanied by a young fellow named
Graham, we reached the Lodge, which, in violation of one of its own
rules, was held in what was formerly called the Topertoe Tavern, but
which has since been changed to the Castle Cumber Arms--being a field
_per pale_, on which is quartered a purse, and what seems to be an
inverted utensil of lead, hammered into a coronet. In the other is a
large mouth, grinning, opposite to which is a stuffed pocket, from which
hangs the motto, '_ne quid detrimenti res privata capiat_.' Under the
foot of the gentleman is the neck of a famine-struck woman, surrounded
by naked and starving children, and it is by the convenient aid of her
neck that he is enabled to reach the purse, _or_; and, indeed, such is
his eagerness to catch it and the coronet, that he does not seem to
care much whether he strangles her or not. On the leaden coronet, is the
motto, alluding to the head which fills it, '_similis simili gaudet_.'

"I should mention, before proceeding further, that Mr. Valentine
M'Clutchy, being master of the Lodge in question, was the individual
from whom I had received permission to be present under the
circumstances already specified. The ceremony of making a member is
involved in that ridiculous mystery which is calculated to meet the
vulgar prejudices of low and ignorant men. Sometimes they are made one
by one, and occasionally, or, I believe, more frequently in batches
of three or more, in order to save time and heighten the effect. The
novice, then, before entering the Lodge, is taken into another room,
where he is blindfolded, and desired to denude himself of his shoes
and stockings, his right arm is then taken out of his coat and shirt
sleeves, in order to leave his right shoulder bare. He then enters the
Lodge, where he is received in silence with the exception of the master,
who puts certain queries to him, which must be appropriately answered.
After this he receives on the naked shoulder three smart slaps of
the open hand, as a proof of his willingness to bear every kind
of persecution for the sake of truth--of his steadfastness to the
principles of Orangeism, and of his actual determination to bear
violence, and, if necessary, death itself, rather than abandon it or
betray his brethren.

"About nine o'clock the business of the Lodge had been despatched,
and in a few minutes I received an intimation to enter from the Deputy
Master, who was no other than the redoubtable and heroic Phil himself;
the father having been prevented from coming, it appeared, by sudden
indisposition. As I entered, they were all seated, to the number of
thirty-five or forty, about a long table, from which rose, reeking and
warm, the powerful exhalations of strong punch. On paying my respects, I
was received and presented to them by Phil, who on this occasion, was
in great feather, being rigged out in all the paraphernalia of Deputy
Master. The rest, also, were dressed in their orange robes, which
certainly gave them a good deal of imposing effect.

"'Gentlemen,' said Phil,--'Bob Sparrow, I'll trouble you to touch the
bell, and be d--d to you--gentlemen, this is a particular friend of mine
and my father's--that is, we intend to make a good deal of interest in
him, if it's not his own fault, and to push him on in a way that may
serve him--but, then, he's in the dark yet; however, I hope he won't be
long so. This, gentlemen, is Mr. Weasel from England, who has come over
to see the country.'

"'Your health, Mr. Weasel,' resounded from all sides, 'you're welcome
among us, and so is every friend of brother Captain Phil's.'

"'Gentlemen,' said I,' I feel much obliged for the cordiality of your
reception--but, allow me to say, that Mr. M'Clutchy has made a slight
mistake in my name, which is Easel, not Weasel.'

"'Never mind, sir,' they replied, among a jingle of glasses, which
almost prevented me from being heard, 'never mind, Mr. Evil, we don't
care a curse what your name is, provided you're a good Protestant. Your
name may be Belzebub, instead of Evil, or Devil, for that matter--all we
want to know is, whether you're staunch and of the right metal.'

"'That, gentlemen,' I replied, 'I trust time will tell'

"'I shall be very proud--I speak it not, I hope, in a worldly sense,'
said a little thin man dressed in black--'no, not in a worldly sense I
shall be proud, sir, of your acquaintance. To me it is quite sufficient
that you are here as the friend of my excellent friend, Mr. Valentine
M'Clutchy; a man, I trust, not without a deep and searching spirit of--'

"'Come, Solomon,' said a large, broad-shouldered man, with a face in
which were singularly blended the almost incompatible principles of fun
and ferocity, 'Come, Solomon, none of your preaching here so soon--you
know you're not up to the praying point yet, nor within four tumblers of
it. So, as you say yourself, wait for your gifts, my lad.'

"'Ah, Tom,' replied Solomon with a smile, 'alway's facetious--always
fond of a harmless and edifying jest.'

"'My name, sir,' added he, 'is M'Slime; I have the honor to be Law Agent
to the Castle Cumber property, and occasionally to transact business
with our friend M'Clutchy.'

"Here the waiter entered with a glass and tumbler, and Phil desired them
to shove me up the decanter. This, however, I declined, as not being yet
sufficiently accustomed to whiskey punch to be able to drink it without
indisposition. I begged, however, to be allowed to substitute a little
cold sherry and water in its stead.

"'I'm afeard, sir,' observed another strong-looking man, 'that you are
likely to prove a cool Orangeman on our hands. I never saw the man that
shied his tumbler good for much.'

"'Sir,' said Solomon, 'you need not feel surprised at the tone of voice
and familiarity in which these persons address you or me. They are, so
to speak, sturdy and independent men, who, to the natural boldness
of their character, add on such occasions as this, something of the
equality and license that are necessarily to be found in an Orange
Lodge. I am myself here, I trust, on different and higher principles.
Indeed it is from a purely religious motive that I come, as well as
to give them the benefit of a frail, but not, I would hope, altogether
unedifying example. Their language makes me often feel now much I stand
in need of grace, and how good it is sometimes for me to be tempted
within my strength. I also drink punch here, lest by declining it I
might get into too strong a feeling of pride, in probably possessing
greater gifts; and I need not say, sir, that a watchful Christian will
be slow to miss any opportunity of keeping himself humble. It is, then,
for this purpose that I sometimes, when among these men, make
myself even as one of them, and humble myself, always with an eye to
edification even to the fourth or fifth cup.'

"'But I trust, sir, that these Christian descents from your vantage
ground are generally rewarded.'

"'Without boasting, I trust I may say so. These little sacrifices of
mine are not without their own appropriate compensations. Indeed, it
is seldom that such stretches of duty on the right side, and for the
improvement of others, are made altogether in vain. For instance, after
the humility--if I can call it so--of the third cup, I am rewarded
with an easy uprising of the spiritual man--a greater sense of inward
freedom--an elevation of the soul--a benign beatitude of spirit, that
diffuses a calm, serene happiness through my whole being.'

"'That, sir, must be delightful.'

"'It is delightful, but it is what these men--carnal I do not wish to
call them lest I fall--it is, however, what these men--or, indeed,
any merely carnal man, cannot feel. This, however, I feel to be a
communication made to me, that in this thing I should not for the time
stop; and I feel that I am not free to pass the fourth or fifth cup,
knowing as how greater freedom and additional privileges will be
granted.'

"'Are the stages marked, sir, between the fourth and fifth tumblers?'

"'Cups, my friend--there is a beauty, sir, in the economy of this that
is not to be concealed. For instance, the line between the third and
fourth cups is much better marked, and no doubt for wiser purposes, than
is that between the fourth and fifth. At the fourth my spirit is filled
with strong devotional tendencies--and it is given to me to address
the Lodge with something like unctional effect; but at the fifth this
ecstatic spirit rises still higher, and assumes the form of praise, and
psalms, spiritual songs, and political anthems. In this whole assembly,
I am sorry to say, that there is but one other humble individual who,
if I may so speak, is similarly gifted, and goes along with me, _pari
passu_, as they say, step by step, and cup by cup, until we reach the
highest order, which is praise. But, indeed, to persons so gifted in
their liquor, drinking is decidedly a religious exercise. That person
is the little fellow to the right of the red-faced man up yonder, the
little fellow I mean, who is pale in the face and wants an eye. His name
is Bob Spaight; he is grand cobbler, by appointment, to the Lodge, and
attends all the Popish executions in the province, from principle; for
he is, between you and me, a Christian man of high privileges. As for
our little touches of _melodia sacra_ during the fifth cup, the only
drawback is, that no matter what the measure of the psalm be, whether
long or short, Bob is sure to sing it either to the tune of _Croppies
lie Down_, or the _Boyne Water_, they being the only two he can manage;
a circumstance which forces us, however otherwise united, to part
company in the melody, unless when moved by compassion for poor Bob, I
occasionally join him in _Croppies lie Down_ or the other tune, for the
purpose of sustaining him as a Christian and Orangeman.'

"At this time it was with something like effort that he or I could
hear each other as we spoke, and, by the way, it was quite evident that
little Solomon was very nearly in all his glory, from the very slight
liquefaction of language which, might be observed in his conversation.

"It occurred to me now, that as Solomon's heart was a little bit open,
and as the tide of conversation flowed both loud and tumultuous, it was
a very good opportunity of getting out of him a tolerably fair account
of the persons by whom we were surrounded. I accordingly asked him the
name and occupation of several whom I had observed as the most striking
individuals present.

"'That large man with the red face,' said I, 'beside your pious and
musical friend Spaight--who is he?'

"'He is an Orange butcher, sir, who would think very little of giving
a knock on the head to any Protestant who won't deal with him. His
landlord's tenants are about half Catholics and half Protestants, and
as he makes it a point to leave them his custom in about equal degrees,
this fellow--who, between you and me--is right in the principle, if
he would only carry it out a little more quietly--makes it a standing
grievance every lodge night. And, by and by, you will hear them abuse
each other like pickpockets for the same reason. There is a grim-looking
fellow, with the great fists, a blacksmith, who is at deadly enmity
with that light firm-looking man--touching the shoeing of M'Clutchy's
cavalry. Val, who knows a thing or two, if I may so speak, keeps them
one off and the other on so admirably, that he contrives to get his
own horses shod and all his other iron work done, free, _gratis_, for
nothing between them. This is the truth, brother Weasel: in fact my dear
brother Weasel, it is the truth. There are few here who are not moved by
some personal hope or expectation from something or from somebody. Down
there near the door are a set of fellows--whisper in your ear--about as
great scoundrels as you could meet with; insolent, fierce, furious
men, with bad passions and no principles, whose chief delight is to get
drunk--to kick up party feuds in fairs and markets, and who have, in
fact, a natural love for strife. But all are not so. There are many
respectable men here who, though a little touched, as is only natural
after all, by a little cacoethes of self-interest, yet, never suffer it
to interfere with the steadiness and propriety of their conduct, or the
love of peace and good will. It is these men, who, in truth, sustain the
character of the Orange-Institution. These are the men of independence
and education who repress--as far as they can--the turbulence and
outrage of the others. But harken! now they begin.'

"At this moment the din in the room was excessive. Phil had now begun to
feel the influence of liquor, as was evident from the frequent thumpings
which the table received at his hand--the awful knitting of his
eyebrows, as he commanded silence--and the multiplicity of 'd--n my
honors,' which interlarded his conversation.

"'Silence, I say,' he shouted; 'd--n my honor if I'll bear this. Here's
Mr. Weasel--eh--Evil, or Devil; d--n my honor, I forget--who has come
ov--over all the way--(All the way from Galloway, is that it?--go
on)--all the way from England, to get a good sample of Protestantism to
bring home with him to distribute among his father's tenantry. Now if
he can't find that among ourselves to-night, where the devil would, or
could, or ought he to go look for it?'

"'Hurra--bravo--hear brother Captain Phil.'

"'Yes, gentlemen,' continued Phil, rising up; 'yes, Mr.
Civil--Evil--Devil; d--n my honor, I must be on it now--I am bold to say
that we are--are--a set of--'

"'Hurra--hurra--we are, brother Captain Phil'

"'And, gentlemen, not only that, but true blues. (Three cheers for the
Castle Cumber True Blue.) And what's a true blue, gentlemen? I ask
you zealously--I ask you as a gentleman--I ask you as a man--I ask you
determinedly, as one that will do or die, if it comes to that'--(here
there was a thump on the table at every word)--I ask you as an officer
of the Castle Cumber Cavalry--and, gentlemen, let any man that hears
me--that hears me, I say--because, gentlemen, I ask upon independent
principles, as the Deputy-Master of this Lodge, gentlemen--(cheers,
hurra, hurra)--and the question is an important one--one of the greatest
and most extraordinary comprehension, so to speak; because, gentlemen,
it involves--this great question does--it involves the welfare of his
majesty, gentlemen, and of the great and good King William, gentlemen,
who freed us from Pope and Popery, gentlemen, and wooden shoes,
gentlemen--'

"'But not from wooden spoons, gentlemen,' in a disguised voice from the
lower end of the table.

"'Eh?--certainly not--certainly not--I thank my worthy brother for
the hint. No, gentlemen, we unfortunately have wooden spoons up to
the present day; but, gentlemen, if we work well together--if we be
in earnest--if we draw the blade and throw away the scabbard, like our
brothers, the glorious heroes of Scullabogue--there is as little doubt,
gentlemen, as that the sun this moment--the moon, gentlemen; I beg
pardon--shines this moment, that we will yet banish wooden spoons, as
the great and good King William did Popery, brass money, and wooden
shoes. Gentlemen, you will excuse me for this warmth; but I am not
ashamed of it--it is the warmth, gentlemen, that keeps us cool in the
moment--the glorious, pious and immortal moment of danger and true
loyalty, and attachment to our Church, which we all love and practise
on constitutional principles. I trust, gentlemen, you will excuse me
for this historical account of my feelings--they are the principles,
gentlemen, of a gentleman--of a man--of an officer of the Castle Cumber
Cavalry--and lastly of him who has the honor--the glorious, pious,
and immortal honor, I may say, to hold the honorable situation of
Deputy-Master of this honorable Lodge. Gentlemen, I propose our charter
toast, with nine times nine--the glorious, pious, and immortal memory.
Take the time, gentlemen, from me--hip, hip, hurra.'

"'Brother M'Clutchy,' said a solemn-looking man, dressed in black, 'you
are a little out of order--or if not out of order, you have, with
great respect, travelled beyond the usages of the Lodge. In the first
place--of course you will pardon me--I speak with great respect--but, in
the first place, you have proposed the charter toast, before that of
the King, Protestant Ascendancy, Church and State; and besides, have
proposed it with nine times nine, though it is always drunk in solemn
silence.'

"'In all truth and piety, I deny that,' replied little Bob Spaight.
'When I was in Lodge Eleventeen, eleven-teen--no, seventeen, ay,
seventeen--we always, undher God, drank it with cheers. Some of them
danced--but othes I won't name them, that were more graciously gifted,
chorused it with that blessed air of '_Croppies lie Down_,' and
sometimes with the precious psalm of the '_Boyne Water_.'

"'I'm obliged to Mr. Hintwell for his observations, for I'm sure they
were well meant; but, gentlemen, with every respect for his--his greater
and more tractable qualifications, I must say, that I acted from zeal,
from zeal--zeal, gentlemen, what's an Orangeman without zeal? I'll tell
you what he is--an Orangeman without zeal is a shadow without a light,
a smoke without a fire,' or a Papist without treason. That's what he's
like, and now, having answered him, I think I may sit down.'

"Phil, however, whose first night of office it happened to be, as
Chairman of the Lodge, had still sense enough about him to go on with
the toasts in their proper order. He accordingly commenced with the
King, Protestant Ascendancy, the Gates of Bandon, with several other
toasts peculiar to the time and place. At length he rose and said:--

"'Gentlemen, are you charged--fill high, gentlemen, for, though it's a
low toast, we'll gloriously rise and drink it--are you all charged?'

"'All charged, hurra, captain!'

"'Here, gentlemen, another of our charter toast--The pope in the
pillory, the pillory in hell, and the devils pelting him with priests!
Gentlemen, I cannot let that--that beautiful toast pass without--out
adding a few words to it. Gentlemen it presents a glorious sight, a
glorious, pious, and immortal memory of the great and good--ha, beg
pardon, gentlemen--a glorious, pious, and immortal sight--think of the
pillory, gentlemen, isn't that in itself a glorious and pious sight? And
think of the pope, gentlemen; isn't the pope also a glorious and pious
sight?'

"'With all truth and piety, and undher God, I deny that,' said Bob
Spaight.

"'And so do I,' said a second.

"'And I,' added a third.

"'What damned Popish doctrine is this?' said several others.

"'Brother Phil, be good enough to recollect yourself,' said Solomon,
'we feel, that as a Protestant and Orangeman, you are not doctrinally
correct now; be steady, or rather steadfast--fast in the faith.'

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