The Book of Three Hundred Anecdotes by Various

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PUNCTUALITY.

A Quarter of an Hour.--When Lord Nelson was leaving London, on his last,
but glorious, expedition against the enemy, a quantity of cabin furniture
was ordered to be sent on board his ship. He had a farewell dinner party at
his house; and the upholsterer having waited upon his lordship, with an
account of the completion of the goods, was brought into the dining-room,
in a corner of which his lordship spoke with him. The upholsterer stated to
his employer, that everything was finished, and packed, and would go in the
wagon, from a certain inn, at _six o'clock_. "And you go to the inn, Mr.
A., and see them off?" "I shall, my lord; I shall be there _punctually at
six_." "_A quarter before six_, Mr. A.," returned Lord Nelson, "be there _a
quarter before six_. To that _quarter of an hour_ I owe everything in
life."

Mr. Scott, of Exeter, travelled on business till about eighty years of age.
He was one of the most celebrated characters in the kingdom for
punctuality, and by his methodical conduct, joined to uniform diligence, he
gradually amassed a fortune. For a long series of years, the proprietor of
every inn he frequented in Devon and Cornwall knew the day, and the very
hour, he would arrive. A short time before he died, a gentleman on a
journey in Cornwall stopped at a small inn at Port Isaac to dine. The
waiter presented him with a bill of fare, which he did not approve of; but
observing a fine duck roasting, "I'll have that," said the traveller. "You
cannot, sir," said the landlord; "it is for Mr. Scott of Exeter." "I know
Mr. Scott very well," rejoined the gentlemen; "he is not in your house."
"True, sir," said the landlord, "but _six months ago, when he was here
last, he ordered a duck to be ready for him this day, precisely at two
o'clock;_" and, to the astonishment of the traveller, he saw the old
gentleman, on his Rosinante, jogging into the inn-yard about five minutes
before the appointed time.

Sir W. Scott.--A gentleman who, in the year 1826, travelled with Sir Walter
Scott in the coach from Edinburgh to Jedburgh, relates the following
anecdote illustrative of his regard for punctuality, and his willingness to
serve all who placed confidence in him, particularly those engaged in
literary pursuits.--"We had performed half the journey," writes our
informant, "when Sir Walter started as from a dream, exclaiming: 'Oh, my
friend G----, I have forgotten you till this moment!' A short mile brought
us to a small town, where Sir Walter ordered a post-chaise, in which he
deposited his luggage, consisting of a well-worn short hazel stick, and a
paper parcel containing a few books; then, much to my regret, he changed
his route, and returned to the Scottish capital. The following month I was
again in Edinburgh, and curiosity induced me to wait on the friend G----
apostrophised by Sir Walter, and whose friendship I had the honour to
possess. The cause of Sir Walter's return, I was informed, was this:--He
had engaged to furnish an article for a periodical conducted by my friend,
but the promise had slipped from his memory--a most uncommon occurrence,
for Sir Walter was gifted with the best of memories--until the moment of
his exclamation. His instant return was the only means of retrieving the
error. Retrieved, however, it was; and the following morning Mr. G----
received several sheets of closely-written manuscript, the transcribing of
which alone must have occupied half the night."

ROBBERS.

Candid Robber.--The duke of Ossuna, viceroy of Naples, once visited the
galleys, and passing through the prisoners, he asked several of them what
their offences were. All of them excused themselves upon various pretences;
one said he was put in out of malice, another by bribery of the judge; but
all of them declared they were punished unjustly. The duke came at last to
a little black man, whom he questioned as to what he was there for. "My
lord," said he, "I cannot deny but I am justly put in here; for I wanted
money, and my family was starving, so I robbed a passenger near Tarragona
of his purse." The duke, on hearing this, gave him a blow on the shoulder
with his stick, saying, "You rogue, what are you doing here among so many
honest, innocent men? Get you out of their company." The poor fellow was
then set at liberty, while the rest were left to tug at the oar.

Ingenious Contrivance.--Many years ago, when stagecoaches were not
unfrequently attacked by highwaymen, a party was once travelling on a
lonely road, when one of the gentlemen mentioned to the company that he had
ten guineas with him, which he was afraid of losing. Upon this an elderly
lady who sat next to him, advised him to take his money from his pocket,
and slip it into his boot, which he did. Not long after the coach was
attacked, when a highwayman rode up to the window, on the lady's side, and
demanded her money; upon which she immediately whispered to him that if he
would examine that gentleman's boot, he would find ten guineas. The man
took the hint, and the gentleman was obliged to submit patiently; but when
the robber had gone, he loaded his fellow-traveller with abuse, declaring
her to be in confederacy with the highwayman. She replied that certainly
appearances were against her; but if the company in the stage would sup at
her house the following evening, she would explain a conduct which appeared
so mysterious. After a debate among themselves, they consented to go the
next evening according to her invitation. They were ushered into a
magnificent room, where an elegant supper was served, after which, the lady
taking a pocket-book from her pocket, showed that it contained various
notes to the amount of several hundred pounds, and addressing herself to
the gentleman who had been robbed: "I thought, sir," said she, "it was
better to lose ten guineas, than all this valuable property, which I had
about me last night; and I have now the pleasure of returning what you so
kindly lent me."

Reclaimed Felons.--The late Dr. Lettsom says, "I have been so happy as to
reform two highwaymen who had robbed me; and from this I think that few of
our fellow-creatures are so hardened, as to be impenetrable to repentance.
One of these men has since been twice in the Gazette promotions, as a
military officer. The other married, and became a respectable farmer in
Surrey."

A similar story is told by the celebrated Rowland Hill. He was attacked by
a highwayman, whom he succeeded in convincing of the evil of his way of
life, and who afterwards became a most faithful servant to him. The secret
was never revealed by Mr. Hill until the death of the servant.

SAILORS.

The Wounded Sailor.--When Admiral Benbow was a common sailor, his messmate,
who was stationed with him at the same gun, lost his leg by a cannon shot.
The poor fellow instantly called out to his friend, who immediately took
him up on his shoulder, and began with great care to descend with him into
the cockpit; but it happened that just as the poor fellow's head came upon
a level with the deck, another ball carried that off also. Benbow,
however, knew nothing of the matter, but carried the body down to the
surgeon, and when he came to the bottom of the ladder, called out that he
had brought him a patient, desiring some one to bear a hand, and help him
easily down. The surgeon turned about, but instead of giving any
assistance, exclaimed, "You blockhead, what do you do here with a man that
has lost his head?" "Lost his head!" says Benbow; "the lying fellow, why he
told me it was his leg; but I never in my life believed what he said
without being sorry for it afterwards."

When Lieutenant O'Brien (who was called Skyrocket Jack) was blown up at
Spithead, in the _Edgar_, he was on the carriage of a gun, and when brought
to the admiral, all black and wet, he said with pleasantry, "I hope, sir,
you will excuse my dirty appearance, for I came out of the ship in so great
a hurry, that I had not time to shift myself."

A painter was employed in painting a West India ship in the river,
suspended on a stage under the ship's stern. The captain, who had just got
into the boat alongside, for the purpose of going ashore, ordered the boy
to let go the painter (the rope which makes fast the boat); the boy
instantly went aft, and let go the rope by which the painter's stage was
held. The captain, surprised at the boy's delay, cried out, "Heigh-ho,
there, you lazy lubber, why don't you let go the painter?" The boy replied,
"He's gone, sir, pots and all."

Precedence.--At a grand review of the fleet at Portsmouth by George III.,
in 1789, there was a boy who mounted the shrouds with so much agility, as
to surprise every spectator. The king particularly noticed it, and said to
Lord Lothian, "Lothian, I have heard much of your agility, let us see you
run up after that boy." "Sire," replied Lord Lothian, "it is my duty to
_follow your majesty_."

Admiral Haddock, when on his death-bed, called his son, and thus addressed
him: "Considering my rank in life, and public services for so many years,
I shall leave you but a small fortune; but, my boy, it is honestly got, and
will wear well; there are no seamen's wages or provisions, nor one single
penny of dirty money, in it."

An Odd Shot.--An English frigate was obliged to strike to a French vessel
of superior force. The English captain, on resigning his sword, was
reproached by the French commander for having, contrary to the usages of
war, shot pieces of glass from his guns. The English officer, conscious
that no such thing had been done, made inquiry into the matter among his
men, and found the fact to be this. An Irish seaman, just before the vessel
struck, took a parcel of shillings out of his pocket, and swearing the
French should have none of them, wrapped them in a piece of rag, and thrust
them into his gun, exclaiming, "Let us see what a _bribe_ can do!" These
shillings, flying about the vessel, were mistaken by the French for glass.
The above explanation not only satisfied them, but put them in great good
humour with their captives.

A Child on Board.--A child of one of the crew of His Majesty's ship
_Peacock_, during the action with the American vessel _Hornet_, occupied
himself in chasing a goat between decks. Not in the least terrified by the
destruction and death which was going on all around him, he continued his
amusement till a cannon-ball came and took off both the hind legs of the
goat; when seeing her disabled, he jumped astride her, crying, "Now I've
caught you." This singular anecdote is related in a work called "Visits of
Mercy," (New York.)

Grog.--The British sailors had always been accustomed to drink their
allowance of brandy or rum pure, until Admiral Vernon ordered those under
his command to mix it with water. The innovation gave great offence to the
sailors, and, for a time, rendered the commander very unpopular among them.
The admiral, at that time, wore a grogram coat, for which reason they
nick-named him "Old Grog," hence, by degrees, the mixed liquor he
introduced universally obtained the name of "_Grog_."

Navy Chaplains.--When the Earl of Clancarty was captain of a man-of-war,
and was cruising on the coast of Guinea, he happened to lose his chaplain
by a fever, on which the lieutenant, who was a Scotchman, gave him notice
of it, saying, at the same time, "that he was sorry to inform him that he
died in the Roman Catholic religion." "Well, so much the better," said his
lordship. "Oot, oot, my lord, how can you say so of a British clergyman?"
"Why," said his lordship, "because I believe I am the first captain of a
man-of-war that could boast of having a chaplain _who had any religion at
all_."

Bishop and his Clerks.--A fleet of merchant ships, on their return from
Spain, about three hundred years ago, were shipwrecked on the fatal rocks
on which Sir Cloudsley Shovel was cast away: among these unfortunate men
none were saved but three, viz. _Miles Bishop_, and _James_ and _Henry
Clerk_, who were miraculously preserved on a broken mast. From this
accident the rocks took the name they bear, "The Bishop and his Clerks."

Dey of Algiers.--When Admiral Keppel was sent to the Dey of Algiers, to
demand restitution of two ships which the pirates had taken, he sailed with
his squadron into the bay of Algiers, and cast anchor in front of the Dey's
palace. He then landed, and, attended only by his captain and barge's crew,
demanded an immediate audience of the Dey; this being granted, he claimed
full satisfaction for the injuries done to the subjects of his Britannic
Majesty. Surprised and enraged at the boldness of the admiral's
remonstrance, the Dey exclaimed, "That he wondered at the king's insolence
in sending him a foolish beardless boy." To this the admiral made a
spirited reply, which caused the Dey to forget the laws of all nations in
respect to ambassadors, and he ordered his mutes to attend with the
bowstring, at the same time telling the admiral he should pay for his
audacity with his life. Unmoved by this menace, the admiral took the Dey to
a window facing the bay, and showed him the English fleet riding at
anchor, and told him, that if he dared to put him to death, there were
Englishmen enough in that fleet to make him a glorious funeral pile. The
Dey was wise enough to take the hint. The admiral obtained ample
restitution, and came off in safety.

A Timely Answer.--When Admiral Cornwallis commanded the _Canada_, a mutiny
broke out in the ship, on account of some unavoidable delay in the clerks
paying some of the crew, in consequence of which they signed what is termed
a round robin, in which they declared, to a man, that they would not fire a
gun till they were paid. Cornwallis, on receiving this declaration, caused
all hands to be called on deck, and thus addressed them: "My lads, the
money cannot be paid till we return to port, and as to your not fighting,
that is mere nonsense:--I'll clap you alongside the first large ship of the
enemy I see, and I know that the devil himself will not be able to keep you
from it." The tars were so pleased with this compliment that they all
returned to their duty, better satisfied than if they had been paid the
money ten times over.

SCHOOLS.

Dr. Sheridan had a custom of ringing his scholars to prayers, in the
school-room, at a certain hour every day. The boys were one day very
attentively at prayers, except one, who was stifling a laugh as well as he
could, which arose from seeing a rat descending from the bell-rope into the
room. The poor boy could hold out no longer, but burst into an immoderate
fit of laughter, which set the others off as soon as he pointed out to them
the cause. Sheridan was so provoked that he declared he would whip them all
if the principal culprit was not pointed out to him, which was immediately
done. When this poor boy was hoisted up, and made ready for flogging, the
witty school-master told him that if he said any thing tolerable on the
occasion, as he looked on him as the greatest dunce in his school, he would
forgive him. The trembling culprit, immediately addressed his master in the
following lines.

There was a rat, for want of stairs,
Came down a rope--to go to prayers.

Sheridan instantly dropped the rod, and, instead of a good whipping, gave
him half-a-crown.

Dr. Busby.--A scholar of Dr. Busby went into a parlour where the Doctor had
laid down a fine bunch of grapes for his own eating, took it up, and said
aloud, "I publish the banns between these grapes and my mouth; if any one
knows any just cause or impediment why these two should not be joined
together, let him declare it." The Doctor, being in the next room,
overheard all that was said, and going into the school, ordered the boy who
had eaten his grapes to be _horsed_ on another boy's back; but, before he
proceeded to the usual discipline, he cried out aloud, as the delinquent
had done: "I publish the banns between my rod and this boy's back; if any
one knows any just cause or impediment why these two should not be joined
together, let him declare it."--"I forbid the banns." said the boy--"Why
so?" said the Doctor. "Because the parties are not agreed," replied the
boy. This answer so pleased the Doctor, that he ordered the offender to be
set free.

An Appropriate Version.--The late Dr. Adam, Rector of the Grammar School,
Edinburgh, was supposed by his scholars to exercise a strong partiality for
such as were of patrician descent; and on one occasion was very smartly
reminded of it by a boy of mean parentage, whom he was reprehending rather
severely for his ignorance--much more so than the boy thought he would have
done, had he been the son of a _right honourable_, or even less. "You
dunce," exclaimed the rector, "I don't think you can even translate the
motto of your own native place, of the _gude_ town of Edinburgh. What,
sir, does '_Nisi Dominus frustra_,' mean?" "It means, sir," rejoined the
boy, "that unless we are lords' sons, it is in vain to come here."

A Choice.--At a recent examination at Marlborough House Grammar School, a
piece written for the occasion, entitled "Satan's Address to Nena Sahib,"
was to have been recited by two pupils. Only one of the pupils came
forward, Mr. Barrett stating that he could not prevail upon any pupil to
take the part of Nena Sahib, they having such an abhorrence to the
character, though several had offered to take the part of the Devil.

SERVANTS.

Jonas Hanway having once advertised for a coachman, he had a great number
of applicants. One of them he approved of, and told him, if his character
answered, he would take him on the terms agreed on: "But," said he, "my
good fellow, as I am rather a particular man, it may be proper to inform
you, that every evening, after the business of the stable is done, I expect
you to come to my house for a quarter of an hour to attend family prayers.
To this I suppose you can have no objection."--"Why as to that, sir,"
replied the fellow, "I doesn't see much to say against it; but I hope
you'll consider it in my wages!"

Coleridge, among his other speculations, started a periodical, in prose and
verse, entitled _The Watchman_, with the motto, "that all might know the
truth, and that the truth might make us free." He watched in vain! His
incurable want of order and punctuality, and his philosophical theories,
tired out his readers, and the work was discontinued after the ninth
number. Of the unsaleable nature of this publication, he himself relates an
amusing illustration. Happening one morning to rise at an earlier hour than
usual, he observed his servant girl putting an extravagant quantity of
paper into the grate in order to light the fire, and mildly checked her for
her wastefulness: "La! sir," replied Nanny; "it's only _Watchmen_."

The Marquis of Granby having returned from the army in Germany, travelled
with all possible expedition from the English port at which he landed to
London, and finding on his arrival that the king was at Windsor, he
proceeded there in his travelling-dress; where desiring to be instantly
introduced to his majesty, a certain lord came forward, who said he hoped
the noble marquis did not mean to go into the presence of his majesty in so
improper a habit, adding, "'Pon my honour, my lord, you look more like a
_groom_ than a gentleman."--"Perhaps I may," replied the marquis, "and I
give you my word, if you do not introduce me to the king this instant, I
will _act_ like a groom, and _curry_ you in a way you won't like."

The Schoolmaster Abroad.--A young woman meeting her former fellow-servant,
was asked how she liked her place. "Very well."--"Then you have nothing to
complain of?"--"Nothing; only master and missis talk such very bad grammar,
and don't pronounce their H's."

A Soldier's Wife.--The late Duchess of York having desired her housekeeper
to seek out for a new laundress, a decent-looking woman was recommended to
the situation. "But, (said the housekeeper) I am afraid that she will not
suit your royal highness, as she is a soldier's wife, and these people are
generally loose characters." "What is that you say, said the duke, who had
just entered the room. A soldier's wife! Pray, madam, _what is your
mistress?_ If that is all her fault, I desire that the woman may be
immediately engaged."

SIGNS.

A Scotch Innkeeper, who had determined on adopting the sign of Flodden
Well, was much puzzled for a suitable inscription. At length he waited on
Sir Walter Scott, and asked his aid, observing, that "as he had written so
much about it in _Marmion_, he might know something that would do for an
inscription." The poet immediately replied, "Why, man, I think ye cannot do
better than take a verse from the poem itself." The innkeeper expressed his
willingness to do this, when Sir Walter said to him, "Well, then, you have
nothing to do, but just to leave out one letter from the line

'Drink, weary traveller--drink and pray;'

and say instead

'Drink, weary traveller--drink and pay!'"

Dean Swift's barber one day told him that he had taken a public-house. "And
what's your sign?" said the dean. "Oh, the pole and bason; and if your
worship would just write me a few lines to put upon it, by way of motto, I
have no doubt but it would draw me plenty of customers." The dean took out
his pencil, and wrote the following couplet, which long graced the barber's
sign:

"Rove not from _pole_ to _pole_, but step in here,
Where nought excels the _shaving_, but the _beer_."

SOLDIERS.

Equality in Danger.--The French General, Cherin, was once conducting a
detachment through a very difficult defile. He exhorted his soldiers to
endure patiently the fatigues of the march. "It is easy for you to talk,"
said one of the soldiers near him; "you who are mounted on a fine
horse--but we poor devils!"--On hearing these words, Cherin dismounted, and
quickly proposed to the discontented soldier to take his place. The latter
did so; but scarcely had he mounted, when a shot from the adjoining
heights struck and killed him. "You see," says Cherin, addressing his
troops, "that the most elevated place is not the least dangerous." After
which he remounted his horse, and continued the march.

Marshal Suwarrow in his march to the attack of Ockzakow, proceeded with
such rapidity at the head of his advanced guard, that his men began to
murmur at the fatigues they endured. The Marshal, apprized of this
circumstance, after a long day's march, drew his men up in a hollow square,
and addressing them, said, "that his legs had that day discovered some
symptoms of mutiny, as they refused to second the impulses of his mind,
which urged him forward to the attack of the enemy's fortress." He then
ordered his boots to be taken off, and some of the drummers to advance with
their cats, and flog his legs, which ceremony was continued till they bled
considerably. He put on his boots again very coolly, expressing a hope that
his legs would in future better know how to discharge their duty. The
soldiers after that marched on without a murmur, struck at once with the
magnanimity of their commander, and the ingenuity of his device to remind
them of their duty.

Brief Explanation.--A French colonel, in taking a redoubt from the Russians
on the Moskwa, lost twelve hundred of his men, more than one half of whom
remained dead in the entrenchment which they had so energetically carried.
When Bonaparte the next morning reviewed this regiment, he asked the
colonel what he had done with one of his battalions? "Sire," replied he,
"it is in the redoubt."

Death of a Hero.--At the battle of Malplaquet, in 1709, Marshal Villars was
dangerously wounded, and desired to receive the Holy Sacrament. Being
advised to receive in private, he said, "No, if the army cannot see me die
like a hero, they shall see me die as a Christian."

Magdeline de Savoie.--Anne Duc de Montmorenci, who was prime minister and
great constable of France during the reigns of Francis I., Henry II.,
Francis II., and Charles IX., was very unwilling to take up arms against
the Prince of Conde and the Coligny's, to whom he was endeared by the ties
of friendship, as well as those of consanguinity. He was however induced to
give way by the following animated and forcible speech of his wife,
Magdeline de Savoie: "It is then in vain, sir, that you have taken as a
motto to your escutcheon, the word of command that your ancestors always
gave at the outset of every battle in which they were engaged (_Dieu aide
du premier Chretien_). If you do not fight with all your energy in defence
of that religion which is now attempted to be destroyed, who then is to
give an example of respect and of veneration for the Holy See, if not he
who takes his very name, his arms, his nobility, from the first baron of
France who professed the holy religion of Christ?"

A Relay of Legs.--Rivardes, a Piedmontese, had attached himself to the
house of France, and was much esteemed as a soldier. He had lost one of his
legs, and had worn a wooden one for some time, when in an engagement a ball
carried off the latter, leaving him the other safe and sound. On being
raised up, he exclaimed laughingly, "What fools these fellows are! They
would have saved their shot had they known that I had two others equally
good among my baggage."

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