The Book of Three Hundred Anecdotes by Various

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MISCELLANEOUS.

Dunning.--The witty Lord Ross, having spent all his money in London, set
out for Ireland, in order to recruit his purse. On his way, he happened to
meet with Sir Murrough O'Brien, driving for the capital in a handsome
phaeton, with six prime dun-coloured horses. "Sir Murrough," exclaimed his
lordship, "what a contrast there is betwixt you and me! You are driving
your _duns_ before you, but my _duns_ are driving me before them."

Steele & Addison.--A gentleman who was dining with another, praised the
meat very much, and asked who was the butcher? "His name is
Addison."--"Addison!" echoed the guest, "pray is he any relation to the
essayist?"--"In all probability he is, for he is seldom without his steel
(_Steele_) by his side."

A Tedious Preacher.--Mr. Canning was once asked by an English clergyman how
he liked the sermon he had preached before him. "Why, it was a short
sermon," quoth Canning. "Oh yes," said the preacher; "you know I avoid
being tedious." "Ah, but," replied Canning, "you _were_ tedious."

Charity sermon.--Sydney Smith, preaching a charity sermon, frequently
repeated the assertion that, of all nations, Englishmen were most
distinguished for generosity and the love of their species. The collection
happened to be inferior to his expectations, and he said that he had
evidently made a great mistake, for that his expression should have been,
that they were distinguished for the love of their _specie_.

Pope the Poet.--This celebrated poet is said to have been once severely
retorted upon. A question arose in company respecting the reading of a
passage with or without a note of interrogation. Pope rather arrogantly
asked one gentleman if he knew what a note of interrogation was. "Yes, sir:
it is _a little crooked thing that asks questions_." Pope was little and
deformed.

Estimate of Greatness.--Pope was with Sir Godfrey Kneller one day, when his
nephew, a Guinea trader, came in. "Nephew," said Sir Godfrey, "you have the
honour of seeing the two greatest men in the world."--"I don't know how
great you may be," said the Guinea-man, "but I don't like your looks: I
have often bought a man much better than both of you together, all muscles
and bones, for ten guineas."

"Rejected Addresses."--The fame of the brothers James and Horatio Smith was
confined to a limited circle, until the publication of "The Rejected
Addresses." James used to dwell with much pleasure on the criticism of a
Leicestershire clergyman: "I do not see why they ('The Addresses') should
have been rejected: I think some of them very good." This, he would add, is
almost as good as the avowal of the Irish Bishop, that there were some
things in "Gulliver's Travels" which he could not believe.

The Two Smith's.--A gentleman took lodgings in the same house with James
Smith, one of the celebrated authors of the "Rejected Addresses." His name
was also James Smith. The consequence was an eternal confusion of calls and
letters, and the postman had no alternative but to share the letters
equally between the two. "This is intolerable, sir," said our author, "you
must quit." "Why am I to quit more than you?" "Because you came last, and
being James the Second you must _abdicate_."

Coleridge, the Poet, once dined in company with a person who listened to
the conversation and said nothing for a long time; but occasionally nodded
his head, and Coleridge concluded him a thoughtful and intelligent man. At
length, towards the end of the dinner, some apple dumplings were placed on
the table, and the listener had no sooner seen them than he burst forth,
"Them's the fellows for me!" Coleridge adds: "I wish Spurzheim could have
examined the fellow's head."

An Appropriate Successor.--Clerambault, who was deformed, was elected to
succeed La Fontaine in the French Academy. On that occasion it was said
that "La Fontaine was very properly succeeded by Esop."

Erskine.--Lord Kellie was amusing the company with an account of a sermon
he had heard in Italy, in which the preacher related the miracle of St.
Anthony preaching to the fishes, who, in order to listen to his pious
discourse, held their heads out of the water. "I can credit the miracle,"
said Erskine, "if your lordship was at church." "I certainly was there,"
said the peer. "Then, rejoined Erskine, there was at least _one fish out of
water_."

Memory.--A humorous comment on this system of artificial memory was made by
a waiter at an hotel where Feinaigle dined, after having given his lecture
on that subject. A few minutes after the Professor left the table, the
waiter entered, with uplifted hands and eyes, exclaiming, "Well, I declare,
the _memory man_ has forgotten his umbrella!"

Parisian rag-picker.--An old chiffonnier (or rag picker) died in Paris in a
state apparently of the most abject poverty. His only relation was a niece,
who lived as servant with a greengrocer. This girl always assisted her
uncle as far as her slender means would permit. When she heard of his
death, which took place suddenly, she was upon the point of marriage with a
journeyman baker, to whom she had been long attached. The nuptial day was
fixed, but Suzette had not yet bought her wedding clothes. She hastened to
tell her lover that their marriage must be deferred, as she wanted the
price of her bridal finery to lay her uncle decently in the grave. Her
mistress ridiculed the idea, and exhorted her to leave the old man to be
buried by charity. Suzette refused. The consequence was a quarrel, in which
the young woman lost at once her place and her lover, who sided with her
mistress. She hastened to the miserable garret where her uncle had expired,
and by the sacrifice not only of her wedding attire, but of nearly all the
rest of her slender wardrobe, she had the old man decently interred. Her
pious task fulfilled, she sat alone in her uncle's room weeping bitterly,
when the master of her faithless lover, a young good-looking man, entered.
"So, my good Suzette, I find you have lost your place!" cried he, "I am
come to offer you one for life--will you marry me?" "I, Sir? you are
joking." "No, indeed, I want a wife, and I am sure I can't find a better."
"But everybody will laugh at you for marrying a poor girl like me," "Oh! if
that is your only objection we shall soon get over it; come, come along; my
mother is prepared to receive you." Suzette hesitated no longer; but she
wished to take with her a memorial of her deceased uncle: it was a cat
that he had kept for many years. The old man was so fond of the animal
that he was determined even death should not separate them, and he had
caused her to be stuffed and placed near his bed. As Suzette took puss
down, she uttered an exclamation of surprise at finding her so heavy. The
lover hastened to open the animal, when out fell a shower of gold. There
were a thousand louis concealed in the body of the cat, and this sum, which
the old man had contrived to amass, became the just reward of the worthy
girl and her disinterested lover.

Integrity.--A Parisian stock-broker, just before his death, laid a wager on
parole with a rich capitalist; and a few weeks after his death, the latter
visited the widow and gave her to understand that her late husband had lost
a wager of sixteen thousand francs. She went to her secretary, took out her
pocket-book, and counted bank notes to the stated amount, when the
capitalist thus addressed her: "Madame, as you give such convincing proof
that you consider the wager binding, _I_ have to pay you sixteen thousand
francs. Here is the sum, for _I_ am the loser, and not your husband."

During the speculations of 1837-38, Mr. C., a young merchant of
Philadelphia, possessed of a handsome fortune, caught the mania, entered
largely into its operations, and for a time was considered immensely rich.
But when the great revulsion occurred he was suddenly reduced to
bankruptcy. His young wife immediately withdrew from the circles of wealth
and fashion, and adapted her expenses, family and personal, to her altered
circumstances. At the time of Mr. C.'s failure, his wife was in debt to
Messrs. Stewart and Company, merchants of Philadelphia, about two hundred
dollars for articles which she had used personally. This debt, she had no
means of liquidating. However after the lapse of twelve years, and when the
creditors had of course looked upon the debt as lost, Mrs. C. was able to
take the principal, add to it twelve years' interest, enclose the whole in
a note and address it to Messrs. Stewart and Company. Messrs. Stewart and
Company, upon the receipt of the money, addressed a note in reply to Mrs.
C., in which they requested her acceptance of the accompanying gift, as a
slight testimonial of their high appreciation of an act so honourable and
so rare as to call forth unqualified admiration. Accompanying the letter
was sent a superb brocade silk dress, and some laces of exquisite texture
and great value.

Costume of the Sisters of Charity.--The Sisters of St. Vincent de Paul, at
the time of their re-establishment in their house, in the _Rue du Vieux
Colombier_, after the Revolution, wore black dresses and caps. On the
fourth Sunday in Advent, 1804, Pope Pius the Seventh visited the community.
He seemed surprised that the Sisters had not resumed the habit of their
order; but he was told that no community had dared to show the religious
habit abroad. He then spoke to the emperor, saying to him that the good
daughters of charity "_looked like widows_." The emperor, at his request,
gave authority to the Sisters to wear their habit, and they resumed it in
the spring of 1805.

China-ware.--An English gentleman wanting a dessert-service of porcelain
made after a particular pattern, sent over to China a specimen dish,
ordering that it should be exactly copied for the whole service. It
unfortunately happened that in the dish so sent over the Chinese
manufacturer discovered a crack; the consequence was, that the entire
service sent over to the party ordering it had a crack in each article,
carefully copied from the original.

Dreaming.--It is a custom among the Canadian Indians, that when one dreams
that another has rendered him any service, the person dreamed of thinks it
a duty to fulfil the dream, if possible. A chief one morning came to the
governor, Sir William Johnstone, and told him that he had last night
dreamed that Sir William had made him a present of the suit of regimentals
he wore. The governor readily presented them to him; but as the Indian was
going out, "Stop," said Sir William, "I had almost forgot, but I dreamed
about you last night; I dreamed that you gave me such a piece of land,"
describing a large tract. "You shall have it," said he, "but if you please,
Sir William, we will _not dream any more_."

Lessing was remarkable for a frequent absence of mind. Having missed money
at different times, without being able to discover who took it, he
determined to put the honesty of his servant to a trial, and left a handful
of gold on the table. "Of course you counted it?" said one of his friends.
"Count it!" said Leasing, rather embarrassed; "no, I forgot that."

At a public sale, there was a book which Lessing was very desirous of
possessing. He gave three of his friends at different times a commission to
buy it at any price. They accordingly bid against each other till they had
got as far as ninety crowns, there having been no other bidder after it had
reached ten crowns. Happily one of them thought it best to speak to the
others; when it appeared they had all been bidding for Lessing, whose
forgetfulness in this instance cost him eighty crowns.

Edinburgh.--In a debate upon some projected improvement of the streets of
Edinburgh, the Dean of Faculty wittily said that the _forwardness_ of the
clergy, and the _backwardness_ of the medical faculty, had spoiled the
finest street in Europe, alluding to the projection of the colonnade of St.
Andrew's church and the recession of the Medical Hall in George's-street.

Maclaurin.--This celebrated Professor of Mathematics in Edinburgh College,
and the able expounder of Newton's _Principia_, always dislocated his jaw,
and was unable to shut his mouth, when he yawned. At the same time his
instinct of imitation was so strong, that he could not resist yawning when
he witnessed that act in others. His pupils were not slow in discovering,
and taking advantage of this physical weakness. When tired of his lecture,
they either began to yawn, or open their mouths in imitation of that act,
and the prelection was interrupted. The Professor stood before them with
his mouth wide open, and could not proceed till he rang for his servant to
come and shut it. In the meantime the mischievous disciples of Euclid had
effected their escape.

William III. and St. Evremond.--William was so little of a man of letters,
that on the celebrated French writer, St. Evremond, being presented to him
at St. James's, his majesty had nothing more _apropos_ to say than this,
"You are, I believe, sir, a major-general in your master's service."

Music and Politics.--Dr. Wise, the musician, being requested to subscribe
his name to a petition against an expected prorogation of Parliament in the
reign of Charles II., wittily answered, "No, gentlemen, it is not my
business to meddle with state affairs; _but I'll set a tune to it, if you
like_."

Sion College.--Upon the recovery of George III. in 1789, the librarian and
others connected with Sion College were at a loss what device or motto to
select for the illumination of the building; when the following happy
choice was made by a worthy divine, from the book of Psalms; "_Sion_ heard
of it and was glad."

Dean Swift having preached an assize sermon in Ireland, was invited to dine
with the judges; and having in his sermon considered the use and abuse of
the law, he pressed somewhat hard upon those counsellors, who plead causes,
which they knew in their consciences to be wrong. When dinner was over, and
the glass began to go round, a young barrister retorted upon the dean; and
after several altercations, the counsellor asked him, "If the devil was to
die, whether a _parson_ might not be found, who, for money, would preach
his funeral?" "Yes," said Swift, "I would gladly be the man, and I would
then give the _devil_ his due, as I have this day done his _children_."

Swift disliked nothing so much as being troubled with applications from
authors to correct their works. A poor poet having written a very
indifferent tragedy, got himself introduced to the dean in order to have
his opinion of it; and in about a fortnight after, called at the deanery.
Swift returned the play, carefully folded up, telling him he had read it,
and taken some pains with it, and he believed the author would not find
above half the number of faults that it had when it came into his hands.
The poor author, after a thousand acknowledgments, retired in company with
the gentleman who had introduced him, and was so impatient to see the
corrections, that he stopped under the first gateway they came to, when to
his utter astonishment and confusion, he saw that the dean had taken the
pains to blot out every second line throughout the whole play, so carefully
as to render them quite illegible.

Lady Carteret, wife of the Lord Lieutenant, said to Swift one day, "The air
of Ireland is excellent and healthy." "For God's sake, madam," said Swift,
falling down before her, "don't say so in England, for if you do they will
tax it."

Dr Savage, who died in 1747, travelled in his younger days, with the Earl
of Salisbury, to whom he was indebted for a considerable living in
Hertfordshire. One day at the levee, the King (George I.) asked him how
long he had resided at Rome with Lord Salisbury. Upon his answering him how
long,--"Why," said the king, "you staid there long enough; how is it you
did not convert the pope?"--"Because, sir," replied the doctor, "I had
nothing better to offer him."

Sheridan.--This distinguished wit, upon being asked by a young member of
parliament how he first succeeded in establishing his fame as an orator,
replied, "Why, sir, it was easily effected. After I had been in St.
Stephen's Chapel a few days, I found that four-fifths of the house were
composed of country squires, and great fools; my first effort, therefore,
was by a lively sally, or an ironical remark, to make them laugh; that
laugh effaced from their stupid pates the recollection of what had been
urged in opposition to my view of the subject, and then I whipped in an
argument, and had all the way clear before me."

Sheridan.--The father of the celebrated Sheridan was one day descanting on
the pedigree of his family, regretting that they were no longer styled
O'Sheridan, as they were formerly. "Indeed, father," replied Sheridan, then
a boy, "we have more right to the O than any one else; for we _owe_
everybody."

Sheridan inquiring of his son what side of politics he should espouse on
his inauguration to St. Stephen's chapel; the son replied, that he intended
to vote for those who offered best, and that in consequence he should wear
on his forehead a label, "To let;" to which the facetious critic rejoined,
"I suppose, Tom, you mean to add, _unfurnished_."

Sheridan was once travelling to town in one of the public coaches, for the
purpose of canvassing Westminster, at the time that Mr. Paull was his
opponent, when he found himself in company with two Westminster electors.
In the course of conversation, one of them asked his friend to whom he
meant to give his vote? The other replied, "to Paull, certainly; for,
though I think him but a shabby sort of a fellow, I would vote for anyone
rather than that rascal Sheridan!" "Do you know Sheridan?" inquired the
stranger. "Not I, sir," was the answer, "nor should I wish to know him."
The conversation dropped here; but when the party alighted to breakfast,
Sheridan called aside the other gentleman and said, "Pray who is that very
agreeable friend of your's? He is one of the pleasantest fellows I ever met
with; I should be glad to know his name?" "His name is Mr. T.; he is an
eminent lawyer, and resides in Lincoln's Inn Fields." Breakfast being over,
the party resumed their seats in the coach; soon after which, Sheridan
turned the discourse to the law. "It is," said he, "a fine profession. Men
may rise from it to the highest eminence in the state, and it gives vast
scope to the display of talent; many of the most virtuous and noble
characters recorded in our history have been lawyers. I am sorry, however,
to add, that some of the greatest rascals have also been lawyers; but of
all the rascals of lawyers I ever heard of, the greatest is one T., who
lives in Lincoln's Inn Fields." The gentleman fired up at the charge, and
said very angrily, "I am Mr. T., sir." "And I am Mr. Sheridan," was the
reply. The jest was instantly seen; they shook hands, and instead of voting
against the facetious orator, the lawyer exerted himself warmly in
promoting his election.

Sterne.--Sterne used to relate a circumstance which happened to him at
York. After preaching at the cathedral, an old woman whom he observed
sitting on the pulpit stairs, stopped him as he came down, and begged to
know where she should have the honour of hearing him preach the following
Sunday. On leaving the pulpit the next Sunday he found her placed as
before, when she put the same question to him. The following Sunday he was
to preach four miles out of York, which he told her; and to his great
surprise, he found her there too, and the same question was put to him as
he descended from the pulpit. "On which," added he "I took for my text
these words, expecting to find my old woman as before: 'I will grant the
request of this poor widow, lest by her often coming, she weary me,'" One
of the company immediately replied, "Why, Sterne, you omitted the most
applicable part of the passage, which is, 'Though I neither fear God nor
regard man.'"

Sporting.--Burton, in his "Anatomie of Melancholy," tells us of a physician
in Milan, who kept a house for the reception of lunatics, and by way of
cure, used to make his patients stand for a length of time in a pit of
water, some up to the knees, some up to the girdle, and others as high as
the chin, according as they were more or less affected. An inmate of this
establishment, who happened, for the time to be pretty well recovered, was
standing at the door of the house, and seeing a gallant cavalier ride past
with a hawk on his fist, and his spaniels after him, asked, "What all these
preparations meant?" The cavalier answered, "To kill game." "What may the
game be worth which you kill in the course of a year?" rejoined the
patient. "About five or ten crowns." "And what may your horse, dogs, and
hawks, cost you for a year?" "Four hundred crowns." On hearing this, the
patient, with great earnestness of manner, bade the cavalier instantly
begone, as he valued his life and welfare; "for" said he, "if our master
come and find you here, he will put you into his pit up to the very chin."

An American heroine.--During the summer of 1787, writes Mr. McClung, in his
Sketches of Western Adventure, "The house of Mr. John Merrill, of Nelson
County, Kentucky, was attacked by the Indians, and defended with singular
address and good fortune. Merrill was alarmed by the barking of a dog about
midnight, and on opening the door in order to ascertain the cause of the
disturbance, he received the fire of six or seven Indians, by which one arm
and one thigh were broken. He instantly sank upon the floor, and called
upon his wife to close the door. This had scarcely been done when it was
violently assailed by the tomahawks of the enemy, and a large breach soon
effected. Mrs. Merrill, however, being a perfect amazon, both in strength
and courage, guarded it with an axe, and successively killed or wounded
four of the enemy as they attempted to force their way into the cabin. The
Indians ascended the roof, and attempted to enter by way of the chimney;
but here again they were met by the same determined enemy. Mrs. Merrill
seized the only feather bed which the cabin afforded, and hastily ripping
it open, poured its contents upon the fire. A furious blaze and stifling
smoke instantly ascended the chimney, and brought down two of the enemy,
who lay at her mercy. Seizing the axe she quickly despatched them, and was
instantly afterwards summoned to the door, where the only remaining savage
now appeared, endeavoring to effect an entrance. He soon received a gash in
the cheek, which compelled him, with a loud yell, to relinquish his
purpose, and return hastily to Chillicothe, where, he gave an exaggerated
account of the fierceness, strength, and courage of the 'long knife
squaw!'"

Another.--The subject of this anecdote was a sister of General Isaac
Worrell. She died two or three years since in Philadelphia. The following
tribute to her patriotism and humanity, was paid by a New Jersey newspaper,
in July, 1849.--"The deceased was one of those devoted women who aided to
relieve the horrible sufferings of Washington's army at Valley
Forge--cooking and carrying provisions to them alone, through the depth of
winter, even passing through the outposts of the British army in the
disguise of a market woman. And when Washington was compelled to retreat
before a superior force, she concealed her brother, General Worrell--when
the British set a price on his head--in a cider hogshead in the cellar for
three days, and fed him through the bung-hole; the house being ransacked
four different times by the troops in search of him, without success. She
was above ninety years of age at the time of her death."

Tyrolese peasant.--During a conflict at the farm of Rainerhof, in the
Tyrolese war, in 1809, a young woman, who resided at the house, brought out
a small cask of wine, with which to encourage and refresh the peasants: she
had advanced to the scene of action, regardless of the tremendous fire of
the Bavarians, carrying the wine upon her head, when a bullet struck the
cask, and compelled her to let it go. Undaunted by this accident, she
endeavoured to repair the mischief, by placing her thumb upon the orifice
caused by the ball; and then encouraged those nearest her to refresh
themselves quickly, that she might not remain in her dangerous situation,
and suffer for her humane generosity to them.

THE END.

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