Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, October 30, 1841 by Various
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Various >> Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, October 30, 1841
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
VOL. 1.
FOR THE WEEK ENDING OCTOBER 30, 1841.
* * * * *
THE GREAT CREATURE.
That "great creature," like some other "great creatures," happened, as
almanacs say, "about this time" to be somewhat "out at elbows;"--not in
the way of costume, for the very plenitude of his wardrobe was the cause
which produced this effect, inasmuch as the word "received" in the
veritable autograph of Messrs. Moleskin and Corderoy could nowhere be
discovered annexed to the bills thereof: a slight upon their powers of
penmanship which roused their individual, collective, and coparcenary ires
to such a pitch, that they, Messrs. Moleskin and Corderoy, through the
medium of their Attorneys-at-law, Messrs. Gallowsworthy and Pickles, of
Furnival's Inn, forwarded a writ to the unfortunate Hannibal Fitzflummery
Fitzflam,--the which writ in process of time, being the legal seed, became
ripened into a very vigorous execution, and was consigned to the care of a
gentleman holding a _Civil_ employment with a _Military_ title, viz. that
of "_Officer_" to the Sheriff of Middlesex, with strict injunctions to the
said--anything but _Civil_ or _Military_--nondescript "officer," to secure
and keep the person of Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitzflam till such time as
the debt due to Messrs. Moleskin and Corderoy, and the legal charges of
Messrs. Gallowsworthy and Pickles, should be discharged, defrayed, and
liquidated.
Frequent were the meetings of Messrs. Gallowsworthy and Pickles and their
man-trap, and as frequent their disappointments:--Fitzflam always gave
them the double! Having procured leave of absence from the Town Managers,
and finding the place rather too hot to hold him, he departed for the
country, and, as fate would have it, arrived at the inn then occupied by
Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk.
In this out-of-the-way place he fondly imagined he had never been heard
of. Judge then of his surprise, after his dinner and pint of wine, at the
following information.
_Fitz._ "Waiter."
"Yes, sar."
"Who have you in the house?"
"Fust of company, sar;--alwaist, sar."
"Oh! of course;--any one in particular?"
"Yes, sar, very particular: one gentleman very particular, indeed. Has his
bed warmed with brown sugar in the pan, and drinks asses' milk, sar, for
breakfast!"
"Strange fellow! but I mean any one of name?"
"Yes, sar, a German, sar; with a name so long, sar, it take all the indoor
servants and a stable-helper to call him up of a morning."
"You don't understand me. Have you any public people here?"
"Yes, sar--great man from town, sar--belongs to the Theatre--Mr. Fitzflam,
sar--quite the gentleman, sar."
"Thank you for the compliment" (_bowing low_).
"No compliment at all, sar; would you like to see him, sar?--sell you a
ticket, sar; or buy one of you, sar."
"What?"
"House expected to be full, sar--sure to sell it again, sar."
"What the devil are you talking about?"
"The play, sar--Fitzflam, sar!--there's the bill, sar, and (_bell rings_)
there's the bell, sar. Coming." (_Exit Waiter_.)
The first thing that suggested itself to the mind of Mr. Hannibal
Fitzflummery Fitzflam was the absolute necessity of insisting upon that
insane waiter's submitting to the total loss of his well-greased locks,
and enveloping his outward man in an extra-strong strait-waistcoat; the
next was to look at the bill, and there he saw--"horror of horrors!"--the
name, "the bright ancestral name"--the name he bore, bursting forth in all
the reckless impudence of the largest type and the reddest vermilion!
Anger, rage, and indignation, like so many candidates for the exalted
mutton on a greased pole, rushed tumultuously over each other's heads,
each anxious to gain the "ascendant" in the bosom of Mr. Hannibal
Fitzflummery Fitzflam. To reduce a six-and-ninepenny gossamer to the
fac-simile of a bereaved muffin in mourning by one vigorous blow wherewith
he secured it on his head, grasp his ample cane and three half-sucked
oranges (in case it should come to pelting), and rush to the theatre, was
the work of just twelve minutes and a half. In another brief moment,
payment having been tendered and accepted, Fitzflam was in the boxes,
ready to expose the swindle and the swindler!
The first act was over, and the audience were discussing the merits of the
supposed Roscius.
"He _is_ a sweet young man," said a simpering damsel to a red-headed
Lothario, with just brains enough to be jealous, and spirit enough to damn
the player.
"I don't see it," responded he of the Rufusian locks.
"Such _dear_ legs!"
"_Dear_ legs--_duck_ legs you mean, miss!"
"And _such_ a voice!"
"Voice! I'll holler with him for all he's worth."
"Ha' done, do!"
"I shan't: Fitzflam's--an--umbug!"
"Sir!" exclaimed Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitz of "that ilk."
"And Sir to you!" retorted "the child of earth with the golden hair."
"I suppose I'm a right to speak my mind of that or any other chap I pays
to laugh at!"
"It's a tragedy, James."
"All the funnier when sich as him comes to play in them."
"Hush! the curtain's up."--So it was; and "Bravo! bravo!" shouted the
ladies, and "Hurrah!" shouted the gentlemen. Never had Mr. Hannibal
Fitzflummery Fitzflam seen such wretched acting, or heard such
enthusiastic applause. Round followed round, until, worked up to frenzy at
the libel upon his name, and, as he thought, his art, he vociferously
exclaimed, "Ladies and gentlemen, that man's a d--d impostor! ("Turn him
out! throw him over! break his neck!" shouted the gods. "Shame shame!"
called the boxes. "You're drunk," exclaimed the pit to a man.) I repeat
that man is--("_Take that_!"--an apple in Fitzflam's eye.) I say he is
another ("There it is!"--in his other eye) person
altogether--a--("Boxkeeper!") Nothing of the sort; a--("Constable!") I'll
take--("Take that fellow out!") Allow me to be--("Off! off!") I
am--("'Out! out!") Let me request.--("Order! order!--hiss! hiss!--oh!
oh!--ah! ah!--phit! phit!--Booh!--booh!--wooh!--oh!--ah!")"
Here Mr. Fitzfunk came forward, and commenced bowing like a mandarin,
while the gentleman who had blacked Fitzflam's eye desisted from forcing
him out of the box, to hear the "great creature" speak. Fitzfunk
commenced, "Ahem--Ladies and gentlemen, surrounded as I am by all sorts
of--(Bravos from all parts of the house.) Friends! Friends in the
boxes!--("Bravo!" from boxes, with violent waving of handkerchiefs.)
Friends in the pit!--("Hurrah!" and sundry excited hats performing
extraordinary aerial gyrations.) And last, not least in my dear love,
friends in the gallery!--(Raptures of applause; five minutes' whistling;
three chandeliers and two heads broken; and the owners of seventeen corns
_stamped_ up to frenzy!) Need I fear the malice of an individual? ("Never!
never!" from all parts of the house.) Could I deceive you, an enlightened
public? ("No! no! impossible! all fudge!") Would I attempt such a thing?
("No! no! by no manner of means!") I am, ladies and gentlemen--("Fitzflam!
Fitzflam!") I bow to your judgment. I have witnesses; shall I produce
them?" "No," said two of his most enthusiastic supporters, scrambling out
of the pit, and getting on the stage; "Don't trouble yourself; we know
you; (_Omnes_. "Hurrah!" To Fitzflam in boxes--"Shame! shame!") _we_ will
swear to you; (_Omnes_, " Fitzflam for ever!") and--we don't care who
knows it--(_Omnes_. "Noble fellows!") we arrest you at the suit of
Messrs. Moleskin and Corderoy, Regent's-quadrant, tailors. Attorneys,
Messrs. Gallowsworthy and Pickles, of Furnival's Inn. Plaintiff claims
54l. debt and 65l. costs; so come along, will you!"
It was an exceedingly fortunate thing for the representatives of the
Sheriff of Middlesex that their exit was marked by more expedition than
elegance; for as soon as their real purpose was known, Fitzflam (as the
audience supposed Fitzfunk to be) would have been rescued _vi et armis_.
As it was, they hurried him to a back room at the inn, and carefully
double-locked the door. It was also rather singular that from the moment
of the officer's appearance, the gentleman in the boxes whose doubts had
caused the disturbance immediately owned himself in the wrong, apologised
for his mistake, and withdrew. As the tragedy could not proceed without
Fitzfunk, the manager proposed a hornpipe-in-fetters and general dance by
the characters; instead of the last act which was accepted, and loudly
applauded and encored by the audience.
Seated in his melancholy apartment, well guarded by the bailiff, certain
of being discovered and perhaps punished as an impostor, or compelled to
part with all his earnings to pay for coats and continuations he had never
worn, the luckless Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk gave way to deep
despondency, and various "ahs!" and "ohs!" A tap at the door was followed
by the introduction of a three-cornered note addressed to himself. The
following were its contents:--
"Sir,--It appears from this night's adventure _my name_ has heretofore
been useful to you, and on the present occasion your impersonation of it
has been useful to me. We are thus far quits. _I_, as the 'real Simon
Pure,' will tell you what to do. Protest you _are not the man_. Get
witnesses to hear you say so; and when taken to London (as you will be)
and the men are undeceived, threaten to bring an action against the
Sheriff unless those harpies, Messrs. Gallowsworthy and Pickles, give you
20l. for yourself, and a receipt in full for the debt and costs. Keep my
secret; I'll keep yours. Burn this.--H.F.F."
No sooner read than done; and all came to pass as the note predicted.
Gallowsworthy and Pickles grumbled, but were compelled to pay. Fitzflam
and Fitzfunk became inseparable. Fitzflam was even heard to say, he
thought in time Fitzfunk would make a decent walking gentleman; and
Fitzfunk was always impressed with an opinion that _he_ was the man of
talent, and that Fitzflam would never have been able to succeed in
"starring it" where he had been "_The Great Creature_."
FUSBOS.
N.B.--The author of this paper has commenced adapting it for stage
representation.
* * * * *
THE DESIRE OF PLEASING.
"May I be married, ma?" said a lovely girl of fifteen to her mother the
other morning. "Married!" exclaimed the astonished matron; "what put such
an idea into your head?" "Little Emily, here, has never seen a wedding;
and I'd like to amuse the child," replied the obliging sister, with
fascinating _naivete_.
* * * * *
THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.
CHAPTER VIII.
[Illustration: A]A serious accident to the double-bass was the
extraordinary occurrence alluded to in our last chapter. It appeared that,
contrary to the _usual_ custom of the class of musicians that attend
evening parties, the operator upon the double-bass had early in the
evening shown slight symptoms of inebriety, which were alarmingly
increased during supper-time by a liberal consumption of wine, ale, gin,
and other compounds. The harp, flageolet, and first violin, had prudently
abstained from drinking--at their own expense, and had reserved their
thirstiness for the benefit of the bibicals of the "founder of the feast,"
and, consequently, had only attained that peculiar state of sapient
freshness which invariably characterises quadrille bands after supper, and
had, therefore, overlooked the rapid obfuscation of their more imprudent
companion in their earnest consideration of themselves.
Bacchus has long been acknowledged to be the cicerone of Cupid; and
accordingly the God of Wine introduced the God of Love into the bosom of
the double-bass, who, with a commendable feeling of sociality, instantly
invited the cook to join the party. Now Susan, though a staid woman, and
weighing, moreover, sixteen stone, was fond of a "hinnocent bit of
nonsense," kindly consented to take just a "sip of red port wine" with the
performer upon catgut cables; and everything was progressing _allegro_,
when Cupid wickedly stimulated the double-bass to chuck Susan's double
chin, and then, with the frenzy of a Bacchanal, to attempt the
impossibility of encircling the ample waist of his Dulcinea. This was
carrying the joke a _leetle_ too far, and Susan, equally alarmed for her
reputation and her habit-shirt, struggled to free herself from the embrace
of the votary of Apollo; but the fiddler was not to be so easily disposed
of, and he clung to the object of his admiration with such pertinacity
that Susan was compelled to redouble her exertions, which were ultimately
successful in embedding the double-bass in the body of his instrument. The
crash was frightful, and Susan, having vainly endeavoured to free herself
from the incubus which had fastened upon her, proceeded to scream most
lustily as an overture to a faint. These sounds reached the supper-room,
and occasioned the diversion in John's favour; a simultaneous rush was
instantly made to the quarter from whence they proceeded, as the whole
range of accidents and offences flashed across the imaginations of the
affrighted revellers.
Mrs. Waddledot decided that the china tea-service was no more. Mrs.
Applebite felt certain that "the heir" had tumbled into the tea-urn, or
had cut another tooth very suddenly. The gentlemen were assured that a
foray had taken place upon the hats and cloaks below, and that cabs would
be at a premium and colds at a discount. The ladies made various
applications of the rest of the catalogue; whilst old John wound up the
matter by the consolatory announcement that he "know'd the fire hadn't
been put out by the _in_gines in the morning."
The general alarm was, however, converted into general laughter when the
real state of affairs was ascertained; and Susan having been recovered by
burning feathers under her nose, and pouring brandy down her throat,
preparations were made for the disinterment of the double-bass. To all
attempts to effect such a laudable purpose, the said double-bass offered
the most violent opposition, declaring he should never be so happy again,
and earnestly entreated Susan to share his heart and temporary residence.
Her refusal of both seemed to cause him momentary uneasiness, for hanging
his head upon his breast he murmured out--
"Now she has left me her loss to deplore;"
and then burst into a loud huzza that rendered some suggestions about the
police necessary, which Mr. Double-bass treated with a contempt truly
royal. He then seemed to be impressed with an idea that he was the index
to a "Little Warbler;" for at the request of no one he proceeded to
announce the titles of all the popular songs from the time of Shield
downwards. How long he would have continued this vocal category is
uncertain; but as exertion seemed rather to increase than diminish his
boisterous merriment, the suggestions respecting the police were ordered
to be adopted, and accordingly two of the force were requested to remove
him from the domicile where he was creating so much discord in lieu of
harmony.
Double-bass still continued deaf to all entreaties for silence and
progression, and when a stretcher was mentioned grew positively furious,
and insisted that, as he had a conveyance of his own, he should be taken
to whatever destination they chose to select for him on, or rather in,
that vehicle. Accordingly a rattle was sprung, and duly answered by two or
three more of those alphabetical gentlemen who emanate from Scotland-yard,
by whose united efforts the refractory musician was carried out in
triumph, firmly and safely seated in his own ponderous instrument, loudly
insisting that he should be conveyed
[Illustration: WITH CARE--THIS SIDE UP.]
The interruption occasioned by this interesting occurrence was productive
of a general clearance of 24, Pleasant-place; and the apartments which
were so lately filled with airy sylphs and trussed Adonises presented a
strange jumble of rough coats, dingy silk cloaks, very _passe_ bonnets,
and numerous heads enveloped in faded white handkerchiefs. Everything
began to look miserable; candles were seen in all directions flickering
with their inevitable destiny; bouquets were thrown carelessly upon the
ground; and the very faintest odour of a cigar found its way from the
street-door into the drawing-room. Then came the hubbub of struggling
jarvies; the hoarse, continued inquiries of those peculiar beings that
emerge from some unknown quarter of the great metropolis, and "live and
move and have their being" at the doorsteps of party-giving people. What
tales could those benighted creatures tell of secret pressures of hands,
whispered sentences of sweet words, which have led in after-days to many a
blissful union! What sighs must have fallen upon their ears as they have
rolled up the steps and slammed to the doors of the vehicle which bore
away the idol of the evening! But they have no romance--no ambition but to
call "My lord duke's coach."
Then came the desolate stillness of the "banquet-hall deserted;" the
consciousness that the hour of grandeur had passed away. There was nothing
to break the stillness but Mrs. Applebite counting up the spoons, and Mrs.
Waddledot re-decanting the remainders.
* * * * *
BURKE'S HERALDRY.
Our amiable friend and classical correspondent, Deaf Burke--"mind,
yes"--has lately mounted a coat-of-_arms_, "Dexter and Sinister;" a Nose
gules and Eye sable; three annulets of Ropes in chief, supported by two
Prize-fighters proper. Motto,--
[Illustration: KNOCK AND RING.]
* * * * *
A SUGGESTION
For the formation of a Society for the relief of foreigners afflicted with
a short pocket and a long beard.
Mr. Muntz to be immediately waited upon by a body of the unhappy
sufferers, and requested to give his countenance and assistance to the
establishment of an INSTITUTION FOR THE GRATUITOUS SHAVING OF DESTITUTE
AND HIRSUTE FOREIGNERS.
* * * * *
THE GOLD SNUFF-BOX.
[Illustration: M]My aunt, Mrs. Cheeseman, is the very reverse of her
husband. He is a plain, honest creature, such as we read of in full-length
descriptions by some folks, but equally comprehensive, though shortly done
by others, under the simple name of John Bull--as ungarnished in his
dress, as in his speech and action; whereas Mrs. Cheeseman, as I have just
told you, is the counterpart of plainness; she has trinkets out of number,
brooches, backed with every kind of hair, from "the flaxen-headed cow-boy"
to the deep-toned "Jim Crow." Then her rings--they _are_ the surprise of
her staring acquaintances; she has them from the most delicate Oriental
fabric to the massiveness of dog's collars.
Uncle Cheeseman says Mrs. C. thinks of nothing else; no sporting
gentleman, handsomely furnished, in the golden days of pugilism, ever
looked upon a ring with more delightful emotions. At going to bed, she
bestows the same affectionate gaze upon them that mothers do upon their
slumbering progeny; nor is that care and affection diminished in the
morning: her very imagination is a ring, seeing that it has neither
beginning nor end--her tender ideas are encircled by the four magical
letters R--I--N--G. Even at church, we are told, she divides her time
between sleeping and secret polishing. It has just occurred to me, that I
might have saved you and myself much trouble had I at once told you that
aunt Cheeseman is a regular _Ring-worm_.
But, to my uncle--the only finery sported by him (and I hardly think it
deserving that word), besides a silver watch, sound and true as the owner,
and the very prototype of his bulk and serenity, was a gold snuff-box, a
large and handsome one, which he did not esteem for its intrinsic weight;
he had a "lusty pride" in showing that it was a prize gained in some
skilful agricultural contest. I am sorry at not recollecting what was
engraven on it; but being a thorough Cockney, and knowing nothing more of
the plough and harrow than that I have somewhere observed it as a tavern
sign, must plead for my ignorance in out-o'-town matters.
You can remember, no doubt, the day the Queen went to dine with the City
Nabobs at Guildhall. Cheeseman hurried impatiently to London for the sole
purpose of _seeing_ the sight, and upon finding my liking for the
spectacle as powerful as his own, declared I was the only sensible child
my mother ever had, and adding that as he was well able to push his way
through a Lunnon crowd, if my father and mother were willing, under his
protection I should see this grand affair. Not the slightest objection was
put in opposition to my uncle's proposal, consequently the next day,
November the 9th, 1837, uncle Cheeseman and I formed integral portions of
the huge mass of spectators which reached from St. James's to the City.
After slipping off the pavement a score of times (and in some instances
opportunely enough to be shoulder-grazed by a passing coach-wheel),
stunning numberless persons by explosions of oaths for clumsy collisions
and unintentional performances upon his tenderest corn, we reached the
corner of St. Paul's churchyard.
Having secured by a two-shilling bargain about three feet of a form,
which, I suppose, upon any other day than a general holiday like the
present was the _locus in quo_ for little dears whose young ideas were
taught to shoot at threepence a week, uncle took breath, and a pinch of
snuff together: he smiled as I observed, that he'd be sure to take a
refresher when her Majesty passed; and though he shook his head and
designated me a sly young rogue, I could clearly perceive that he was
plotting to perform, as if by chance, what I had predicated as a
certainty; and although nineteen persons out of twenty would have marked
(in this instance) his puerility, I doubt not but that the same number are
(at some periods of their existence) innocent victims to the like
weakness, whether it be generated in a snuff-box or a royal diploma.
By-and-by, a murmur from the distance, which succeeded a restless motion
among the crowd (like a leafy agitation of trees coming as a kind of
_courier en avant_ to announce the regular hurricane), broke gradually,
and at last uproariously upon us; straining our necks and eyes in the
attractive direction. Uncle grasped me by the arm, and though he spoke not
a word, he fairly stared, "Here it comes." Now the thick tide of the
moving portion of the spectators began to sweep past us, as they hedged in
the soldiery and carriages; then came the shouting, accompanied by various
kinds of squeezing, tearing, and stumbling; some screaming compliments to
her Majesty, and in the same breath dispensing more violent compliments in
an opposite direction, and of a decidedly different tendency. Shoes were
trodden off, and bonnets crushed out of all fashion; coats were curtailed;
samples of their quality were either seen dangling at the heels of the
wearer, or were ignominiously trodden under foot; and many superfine
Saxony trousers were double-milled without mercy.
Whilst we were pluming ourselves upon the snugness of our situations, and
the attendant good fortune of being easy partners in the business of the
day, and thus freed from the vexations and perplexities so largely
distributed in our view, I was hindered from communicating my happiness
upon these points, for at this moment down went my uncle Cheeseman, and as
suddenly up flew his arms above his head, like Boatswain Smith at the
height of exhortation on Tower Hill. I was surprised, and so appeared my
unfortunate relation, who superadded an additional mixture of indignation
as I caught a glimpse or two of his chameleon-like visage; for at the first
sight I could have most honestly sworn it to have been white--at the
second as crimson as the sudden consciousness of helpless injury could
make it. Nevertheless, he sailed away from me in this extraordinary
attitude for a short distance, when suddenly, as he lowered his arms, I
observed sundry hands descend quickly, and, as I thought, kindly, lest he
should lose his hat, upon the crown of it, until it encased more of his
head than could be deemed either fashionable or comfortable. Presently,
however, he was again seen viciously elbowing and writhing his way back to
me, which after immense exertions he performed, in the full receipt of
numerous anathemas and jocular insults. As he neared me, I inquired what
he had been doing; why he had left me for such a short, difficult, and
unprofitable journey--which queries, innocently playful as they were,
appeared to produce a choking sensation, accompanied by a full-length
stare at me; but his naturally kind heart was not kept long closed against
me, and I gleaned the melancholy fact from his indignation, which was
continually emitted in such short gusts as, "The villains"--"The
scoundrels"--"And done so suddenly"--"The only thing I prized,"--"Well,
this is a lesson for me." As we returned home, uncle displayed a wish to
thrust himself everywhere into the densest mass; there was a morbid
carelessness in his manner that he had hitherto never shown; he was
evidently another man, a fallen creature; his pride, his existence, the
very theme of all his joys, his gold snuff-box, had departed for ever, and
his heart was in that box: what would Mrs. Cheeseman say? He had been
cleaned out to the very letter--ay, that letter--it perhaps contained
matters of moment.