Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, October 2, 1841 by Various
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Various >> Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, October 2, 1841
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
VOL. 1.
FOR THE WEEK ENDING OCTOBER 2, 1841.
* * * * *
THE TIPTOES.
A SKETCH.
"The Wrongheads have been a considerable family ever since England
was England."
VANBRUGH.
[Illustration: M]Morning and evening, from every village within three or
four miles of the metropolis, may be remarked a tide of young men wending
diurnal way to and from their respective desks and counters in the city,
preceded by a ripple of errand-boys, and light porters, and followed by an
ebb of plethoric elderly gentlemen in drab gaiters. Now these individuals
compose--for the most part--that particular, yet indefinite class of
people, who call themselves "gentlemen," and are called by everybody else
"persons." They are a body--the advanced guard--of the "Tiptoes;" an army
which invaded us some thirty years ago, and which, since that time, has
been actively and perseveringly spoiling and desolating our modest, quiet,
comfortable English homes, turning our parlours into "boudoirs," ripping
our fragrant patches of roses into fantastic "parterres," covering our
centre tables with albums and wax flowers, and, in short (for these
details pain us), stripping our nooks and corners of the welcome warm air
of pleasant homeliness, which was wont to be a charm and a privilege, to
substitute for it a chilly gloss--an unwholesome straining after effect--a
something less definite in its operation than in its result, which is
called--gentility.
To have done with simile. Our matrons have discovered that luxury is
specifically cheaper than comfort (and they regard them as independent, if
not incompatible terms); and more than this, that comfort is, after all,
but an irrelevant and dispensable corollary to gentility, while luxury is
its main prop and stay. Furthermore, that improvidence is a virtue of such
lustre, that itself or its likeness is essential to the very existence of
respectability; and, by carrying out this proposition, that in order to
make the least amount of extravagance produce the utmost admiration and
envy, it is desirable to be improvident as publicly as possible; the means
for such expenditure being gleaned from retrenchments in the home
department. Thus, by a system of domestic alchemy, the education of the
children is resolved into a vehicle; a couple of maids are amalgamated
into a man in livery; while to a single drudge, superintended and aided by
the mistress and elder girls, is confided the economy of the pantry, from
whose meagre shelves are supplied supplementary blondes and kalydors.
Now a system of economy which can induce a mother to "bring up her
children at home," while she regards a phaeton as absolutely necessary to
convey her to church and to her tradespeople, and an annual visit to the
sea-side as perfectly indispensable to restore the faded complexions of
Frances and Jemima, ruined by late hours and hot cream, may be considered
open to censure by the philosopher who places women (and girls, _i.e._
unmarried women) in the rank of responsible or even rational creatures.
But in this disposition he would be clearly wrong. Before venturing to
define the precise capacity of either an individual or a class, their own
opinion on the subject should assuredly be consulted; and we are quite
sure that there is not one of the lady Tiptoes who would not recoil with
horror from the suspicion of advancing or even of entertaining an idea--it
having been ascertained that everything original (sin and all) is quite
inconformable with the feminine character--unless indeed it be a method of
finding the third side of a turned silk--or of defining that zero of
fortune, to stand below which constitutes a "detrimental."
The Misses Tiptoe are an indefinite number of young ladies, of whom it is
commonly remarked that some may have been pretty, and others may,
hereafter, be pretty. But they never _are_ so; and, consequently, they are
very fearful of being eclipsed by their dependents, and take care to
engage only ill-favoured governesses, and (but 'tis an old pun) very plain
cooks. The great business of their lives is fascination, and in its
pursuit they are unremitting. It is divided in distinct departments, among
the sisters; each of whom is characterised at home by some laudatory
epithet, strikingly illustrative of what they would like to be. There is
Miss Tiptoe, such an amiable girl! that is, she has a large mouth, and a
Mallan in the middle of it. There is Jemima, "who enjoys such delicate
health "--_that_ is, she has no bust, and wears a scarf. Then there is
Grace, who is all for evening rambles, and the "Pilgrim of Love;" and
Fanny, who can _not_ help talking; and whom, in its turn, talking
certainly cannot help. They are remarkable for doing a little of
everything at all times. Whether it be designing on worsted or on
bachelors--whether concerting overtures musical or matrimonial; the same
pretty development of the shoulder through that troublesome scarf--the
same hasty confusion in drawing it on again, and referring to the watch to
see what time it is--displays the mind ever intent on the great object of
their career. But they seldom marry (unless, in desperation, their
cousins), for they despise the rank which they affect to have quitted--and
no man of sense ever loved a Tiptoe. So they continue at home until the
house is broken up; and then they retire in a galaxy to some provincial
Belle Vue-terrace or Prospect-place; where they endeavour to forestall the
bachelors with promiscuous orange-blossoms and maidenly susceptibilities.
We have characterised these heart-burning efforts after "station," as
originating with, and maintained by, the female branches of the family;
and they are so--but, nevertheless, their influence on the young men is no
less destructive than certain. It is a fact, that, the more restraint that
is inflicted on these individuals in the gilded drawing-room at home, the
more do they crave after the unshackled enjoyment of their animal
vulgarity abroad. Their principal characteristics are a love of large
plaids, and a choice vocabulary of popular idiomatic forms of speech; and
these will sufficiently define them in the saloons of the theatres and in
the cigar divans. But they are not ever thus. By no means. At home (which
does not naturally indicate their own house), having donned their "other
waistcoat" and their pin (emblematic of a blue hand grasping an egg, or of
a butterfly poised on a wheel)--pop! they are _gentlemen_. With the
hebdomadal sovereign straggling in the extreme verge of their
pockets--with the afternoon rebuke of the "principal," or peradventure of
some senior clerk, still echoing in their ears--they are GENTLEMEN. They
are desired to be such by their mother and sisters, and so they talk about
cool hundreds--and the points of horses--and (on the strength of the
dramatic criticisms in the _Satirist_) of Grisi in _Norma_, and Persiani
in _La Sonnambula_--of Taglioni and Cerito--of last season and the season
before that.
We know not how far the readers of PUNCH may be inclined to approve so
prosy an article as this in their pet periodical; but we have ventured to
appeal to them (as the most sensible people in the country) against a
class of shallow empirics, who have managed to glide unchidden into our
homes and our families, to chill the one and to estrange the other.
Surely, surely, we were unworthy of our descent, could we see unmoved our
lovely English girls, whose modesty was wont to be equalled only by their
beauty, concentrating all their desires and their energies on a good
match; or our reverend English matrons, the pride and honour of the land,
employing themselves in the manufacture of fish-bone blanc-mange and
mucilaginous tipsy-cakes; or our young Englishmen, our hope and our
resource, spending themselves in the debasing contamination of cigars and
alcohol.
* * * * *
CONDENSED PARLIAMENTARY REPORT ON THE MISCELLANEOUS ESTIMATES.
Vide _Examiner_.
MR. WILLIAMS--objected--
SIR T. WILDE--vindicated--
SIR R. PEEL--doubted--
MR. PLUMPTRE--opposed--
MR. VILLIERS--requested--
MR. EWART--moved--
MR. EASTCOURT--thought--
MR. FERRAND--complained--
LORD JOHN RUSSELL--wished--
MR. AGLIONBY--was of opinion--
MR. STEWART WORTLEY--hoped--
MR. WAKLEY--thought--
MR. RICE--urged--
MR. FIELDEN--regretted--
MR. WARD--was convinced--
* * * * *
TAKING THE HODDS.
On a recent visit of Lord Waterford to the "Holy Land," then to sojourn in
the hostel or caravansera of the protecting _Banks_ of that classic
ground, that interesting young nobleman adopted, as the seat of his
precedency, a Brobdignag hod, the private property of some descendant from
one of the defunct kings of Ulster; at the close of an eloquent harangue;
his lordship expressed an earnest wish that he should be able to continue
[Illustration: GOING IT LIKE BRICKS--]
a hope instantly gratified by the stalwart proprietor, who, wildly
exclaiming, "Sit aisy!" hoisted the lordly burden on his shoulders, and
gave him the full benefit of a shilling fare in that most unusual vehicle.
* * * * *
Q.E.D.
"SIR ROBERT PEEL thinks a great deal of himself," says the _British
Critic_. "Yes," asserts PUNCH, "he is just the man to trouble himself
about trifles."
* * * * *
[Illustration]
ROEBUCK DEFYING THE "THUNDERER."
Roebuck was seated in his great arm chair,
Looking as senatorial and wise
As a calf's head, when taken in surprise;
A half-munch'd muffin did his fingers bear--
An empty egg-shell proved his meal nigh o'er.
When, lo! there came a tapping at the door:
"Come in!" he cried,
And in another minute by his side
Stood John the footboy, with the morning paper,
Wet from the press. O'er Roebuck's cheek
There passed a momentary gleam of joy,
Which spoke, as plainly as a smile could speak,
"Your master's speech is in that paper, boy."
He waved his hand--the footboy left the room--
Roebuck pour'd out a cup of Hyson bloom;
And, having sipp'd the tea and sniff'd the vapour,
Spread out the "Thunderer" before his eyes--
When, to his great surprise,
He saw imprinted there, in black and white,
That he, THE ROE-buck--HE, whom all men knew,
Had been expressly born to set worlds right--
That HE was nothing but a _parvenu_.
Jove! was it possible they lack'd the knowledge he
Boasted a literary and scientific genealogy!
That he had had some ancestors before him--
(Beside the Pa who wed the Ma who bore him)--
Men whom the world had slighted, it is true,
Because it never knew
The greatness of the genius which had lain,
Like unwrought ore, within each vasty brain;
And as a prejudice exists that those
Who never do disclose
The knowledge that they boast of, seldom have any,
Each of his learned ancestors had died,
By an ungrateful world belied,
And dubb'd a Zany.
That HE should be
Denied a pedigree!
Appeared so monstrous in this land of freedom,
He instantly conceived the notion
To go down to the House and make a motion,
That all men had a right to those who breed 'em.
* * * * *
Behold him in his seat, his face carnation,
Just like an ace of hearts,
Not red and white in parts,
But one complete illumination.
He rises--members blow their noses,
And cough and hem! till one supposes,
A general catarrh prevails from want of ventilation.
He speaks:--
Mr. Speaker, Sir, in me you see
A member of this house (_hear, hear_),
With whose proud pedigree
The "Thunderer" has dared to interfere.
Now I implore,
That Lawson may be brought upon the floor,
And beg my pardon on his bended knees.
In whatsoever terms I please.
_(Oh! oh!)
(No! no!)_
I, too, propose,
To pull his nose:
No matter if the law objects or not;
And if the printer's nose cannot be got,
The small proboscis of the printer's devil
Shall serve my turn for language so uncivil!
The "Thunderer" I defy,
And its vile lie.
(As Ajax did the lightning flash of yore.)
I likewise move this House requires--
No, that's too complimentary--desires,
That Mr. Lawson's brought upon the floor.
The thing was done:
The house divided, and the Ayes were--ONE!
* * * * *
EXPRESS FROM WINDSOR.
Last evening a most diabolical, and, it is to be regretted successful,
attempt, was made to kiss the Princess Royal. It appears that the Royal
Babe was taking an airing in the park, reclining in the arms of her
principal nurse, and accompanied by several ladies of the court, who were
amusing the noble infant by playing rattles, when a man of ferocious
appearance emerged from behind some trees, walked deliberately up to the
noble group, placed his hands on the nurse, and bent his head over the
Princess. The Honourable Miss Stanley, guessing the ruffian's intention,
earnestly implored him to kiss her instead, in which request she was
backed by all the ladies present.[1] He was not, however, to be frustrated
in the attempt, which no sooner had he accomplished, than he hurried off
amidst the suppressed screams of the ladies. The Royal Infant was
immediately carried to the palace, where her heart-rending cries attracted
the attention of her Majesty, who, on hurrying to the child, and hearing
the painful narration, would, in the burst of her maternal affection, have
kissed the infant, had not Sir J. Clarke, who was fortunately present,
prevented her so doing.
[1] This circumstance alone must at once convince every
unprejudiced person of the utter falsity of the reports
(promulgated by certain interested parties) of the disloyalty
of the Tory ladies, when we see several dames placed in the
most imminent danger, yet possessing sufficient presence of
mind to offer _lip-service_ to their sovereign.--EDITOR. _Morn.
Post_.
Dr. Locock was sent for from town, who, immediately on his arrival at
Windsor, held a conference with Sir J. Clarke, and a basin of pap was
prepared by them, which being administered to the Royal Infant, produced
the most satisfactory results.
We are prohibited from stating the measures taken for the detection of the
ruffian, lest their disclosure should frustrate the ends of justice.
* * * * *
A ROYAL DUCK.
His Royal Highness Prince Albert, during the sojourn of the Court at
Windsor Castle, became, by constant practice in the Thames, so expert a
swimmer, that, with the help of a cork jacket, he could, like Jones of the
celebrated firm of "Brown, Jones, and Robinson," swim "anywhere over the
river." Her Majesty, however, with true conjugal regard for the safety of
the royal duck, never permitted him to venture into the water without
[Illustration: A COMPANION OF THE BATH.]
* * * * *
HIGH LIFE BELOW STAIRS.
Michelly, of the _Morning Post_, was boasting to Westmacott of his
intimate connexion with the aristocracy. "The _area_-stocracy, more
likely," replied the ex-editor of the _Argus_.
* * * * *
GREAT ANNUAL MICHAELMAS JUBILEE.
MAGNIFICENT CELEBRATION OF GOOSE-DAY.
How often are we--George Stephens-like--to be called upon to expend our
invaluable breath in performing Eolian operations upon our own cornopean!
Here have we, at an enormous expense and paralysing peril, been obliged to
dispatch our most trusty and well-beloved reporter, to the fens in
Lincolnshire, stuffed with brandy, swathed in flannel, and crammed with
jokes; from whence he, at the cost of infinite pounds, unnumbered
rheumatisms, and a couple of agues, caught, to speak vulgarly, "in a brace
of shakes," has forwarded us the following authentic account of the august
proceedings which took place in that county on the anniversary of the great
St. Michaelmas.
FROM OUR OWN CORRESPONDENT.
_Tuesday night_.--Depths of the fens--just arrived--only time to state all
muck--live eels and festivity--Sibthorp in extra force--betting 6 to 4
"he cooks everybody's goose"--no takers--D'Israeli says it's a gross want
of sympathy--full account to-morrow--expect rare doings--must
conclude--whrr-rh-h--tertian coming on--promises great shakes.
I am, sincerely and shiveringly,
YOUR OWN CORRESPONDENT.
_Wednesday morning_.--The day dawned like a second deluge, and the various
volunteer _dramatis personae_ seemed like the spectres of the defunct
water-dogs of Sadler's Wells. An eminent tallow-chandler from the east end
of Whitechapel contracted for the dripping, and report says he found it a
very swimming speculation. Life-preservers, waterproof and washable hats,
were on the ground, which, together with Macintoshes and corks, formed a
pleasing and varied group. The grand stand was graced by several eminent
and capacious geese; nor was the infantine simplicity of numerous
promising young goslings wanting to complete the delightful _ensemble_.
The business of the day commenced with a grand commemorative procession of
homage to the prize goose, the representative of whom, we are proud to
say, fell by election to the envied lot of the gallant, jocose, and _Joe
Miller_tary Colonel Sibthorp.
ORDER OF PROCESSION.
Trumpeter in Ordinary to "all the geese," and
himself in particular,
On his extraordinary Pegasus, beautifully represented by a Jackass,
Idealised with magnificent goose's wings.
Mr. GEORGE STEPHENS, Grand Master of Hanky-panky.
Balancing on the Pons Asinorum of his Nose the Identical goose-quill
with which he indited the Wondrous Tale of Alroy,
Mr. BEN D'ISRAELI (much admired).
The great Stuffer and Crammer, bearing a stupendous dish
Of Sage and Onions,
Seated in a magnificent Sauce-boat, supported on either side by
Two fly pages bearing Apple-sauce,
And a train-bearer distributing mustard,
SIR EDWARD GEORGE ERLE LYTTON BULWER.
Grand Officiating Gravy Spoon,
A character admirably sustained, and
supported to the life, by
PETER BORTHWICK, M.P. and G.O.G.S.
Drawer and Carver-in-Chief,
Bearing some splendidly-dissected giblets, with gilt gizzard under his
right arm, and plated liver under his left,
Surgeon WAKLEY, M.P.
Hereditary Champion of the Pope's Nose,
Bearing the dismembered Relic enclosed in a beautifully-enamelled
Dutch oven,
DANIEL O'CONNELL, M.P.
The grand Prize Goose,
Reclining on a splendid willow-pattern well dish,
Colonel WALDO SIBTHORP!
Supported by CHARLES PEARSON, and Sir PETER LAURIE,
With flowery potatoes and shocking greens.
Grand Accountant-General,
With a magnificent banner, bearing an elaborate average rate of the price
_of geese_.
And the cheapest depots for the same,
JOSEPH HUME, M.P.
This imposing procession having reached the grand kitchen, which had been
erected for the occasion, the festivities instantly commenced by the
Vice-Goose, Sir EDWARD LYTTON ERLE BULWER, proposing the health of the
gallant Chairman, the Great-grand Goose:--
"Mr. Chairman and prize goose,--The feelings which now agitate my
sensorium on this Michaelmasian occasion stimulate the vibratetiuncles of
the heartiean hypothesis, so as to paralyse the oracular and articulative
apparatus of my loquacious confirmation, overwhelming my soul-fraught
imagination, as the boiling streams of liquid lava, buried in one vast
cinereous mausoleum--the palace-crowded city of the engulphed Pompeii.
(_Immense cheers_.)--I therefore propose a Methusalemic elongation of the
duration of the vital principle of the presiding anserian paragon."
(_Stentorian applause, continued for half-an-hour after the rising of the
Prize Goose_) who said--
"Fellow Geese and Goslings,--Julius Caesar, when he laid the first stone
of the rock of Gibraltar--Mr. Carstairs, the celebrated caligrapher, when
he indited the inscription on the Rosetta stone--Cleopatra, when she
hemmed Anthony's bandanna with her celebrated needle--the Colossus of
Rhodes, when he walked and won his celebrated match against Captain
Barclay--Galileo, when he discovered and taught his grandmother the mode
of sucking eggs--could not feel prouder than I do upon the present
occasion. (_Cheers_.) These reminiscences, I can assure you, will ever
stick in my grateful gizzard."
Here the gallant Colonel sat down, overcome by his feelings and several
glasses of Betts' best British brandy.
Song--"Goosey, goosey gander."
Mr. D'ISRAELI then rose, and said,--"Chair, and brethren of the quill, I
feel, in assuming the perpendicular, like the sun when sinking into his
emerald bed of western waters. Overcome by emotions mighty as the
impalpable beams of the harmonious moon's declining light, and forcibly
impressed as the trembling oak, girt with the invisible arms of the gentle
loving zephyr; the blush mantles on my cheek, deep as the unfathomed
depths of the azure ocean. I say, gentlemen, impressed as I am with a
sense--with a sense, I say, with a sense--" Here the hon. gentleman sat
down for want of a termination.
Song--"No more shall the children of Judah sing."
Mr. PETER BORTHWICK (having corked himself a handsome pair of mustachios),
next rose, and said,--"Most potent, grave, and reverend signors, and Mr.
Chairman,--if it were done, when 'tis done, then 'twere well it were done
quickly'--in rising to drink--'my custom always of an afternoon'--the
health of Sir Peter Laurie, and whom I can ask, in the language of the
immortal bard, 'where gottest thou that goose look,' I can only say, 'had
Heaven made me such another,' I would not"-- Then Peter Borthwick sat
down, evidently indisposed, exclaiming--"The drink, Hamlet, the drink!!!"
Here our reporter left the meeting, who were vociferously chanting, by way
of grace, previous to the attack on the "roast geese," the characteristic
anthem of the "King of the Cannibal Islands."
* * * * *
DYER IGNORANCE.
It has been rumoured that Mr. Bernal, the new member, has been for some
weeks past suffering from a severe attack of scarlet fever, caused by his
late unparliamentary conduct in addressing the assembled legislators
as--gentlemen. We are credibly informed that this unprecedented piece of
ignorance has had the effect, as Shakspere says, of
[Illustration: "MAKING THE GREEN ONE RED."--_Macbeth_.]
* * * * *
MAKING A COMPOSITION WITH ONE'S ANCESTORS.
Roebuck, the ex-attorney, and member for Bath, who has evinced a most
commendable love of his parents, from his great-grandfather upwards,
seeing the utter impossibility of carrying through the "whole hog"
conviction of their respectability, and finding himself in rather an
awkward "fix," on the present occasion begs to inform the editor of the
_Times_, that he will be most happy to accept a compromise, on their
literary and scientific attainments, at the very reasonable rate of
[Illustration: SIX-AND-EIGHTPENCE IN THE POUND.]
* * * * *
PUNCH'S HISTRIONIC READINGS IN HISTORY.
NO. 1.--ENGLAND.
Of the early history of England nothing is known. It was, however, invaded
by the _Normans_; but whether they were any relations of the once
celebrated _Norman_ the pantaloon, we have no authentic record. The
kingdom had at one time seven kings--two of whom were probably the two
well-known kings of Brentford. Perhaps, also, the king of Little Britain
made a third; while old king Cole may have constituted a fourth; thus
leaving only a trifling balance of three to be accounted for.
Alfred the Great is supposed to have been originally a baker, from his
having undertaken the task of watching the cakes in the neat-herd's oven;
and Edward the Black Prince was probably a West Indian, who found his way
to our hospitable shores at an early period.
We now come to King John, who ascended the throne after putting out his
nephew's eyes with a pair of curling-irons, and who is the first English
Sovereign who attempted to write his own name; for the scrawl is evidently
something more than his mark, which is attached to Magna Charta.
We need say nothing of Richard the Third, with whom all our play-going
friends are familiar, and who made the disgraceful offer, if Shakspeare is
to be believed, of parting with the whole kingdom for a horse, though it
does not appear that the disreputable bargain was ever completed.
The wars of York and Lancaster, which, though not exactly _couleur de
rose_, were on the subject of white and red roses (that is to say, China
and cabbage), united the crown in the person of Henry the Seventh, known
to the play-going public as the Duke of Richmond, and remarkable for
having entered the country by the Lincolnshire fens; for he talks of
having got into "the bowels of the land" immediately on his arrival.