Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, October 23, 1841 by Various
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Various >> Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, October 23, 1841
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
VOL. 1.
FOR THE WEEK ENDING OCTOBER 23, 1841.
* * * * *
THE GREAT CREATURE.
Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk was a tall young man, a thin young man, a
pale young man, and, as some of his friends asserted, a decidedly
knock-kneed young man. Moreover he was a young man belonging to and
connected with the highly respectable firm of Messrs. Tims and Swindle,
attorneys and bill-discounters, of Thavies'-inn, Holborn; from the which
highly respectable firm Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk received a salary
of one pound one shilling per week, in requital for his manifold services.
The vocation in which Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk laboured partook
peculiarly of the peripatetic; for at all sorts of hours, and through all
sorts of streets was Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk daily accustomed to
transport his anatomy--presenting overdue bills, inquiring after absent
acceptors, invisible indorsers, and departed drawers, for his masters, and
wearing out, as he Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk eloquently expressed
it, "no end of boots for himself." Such was the occupation by which Mr.
Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk lived; but such was not the peculiar path to
fame for which his soul longed. No! "he had seen plays, and longed to
blaze upon the stage a star of light."
That portion of time which was facetiously called by Messrs. Tims and
Swindle "the leisure" of Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, being some
eight hours out of the twenty-four, was spent in poring over the glorious
pages of the immortal bard; and in the desperate enthusiasm of his heated
genius would he, Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, suddenly burst forth in
some of the most exciting passages, and with Stentorian lungs "render
night hideous" to the startled inhabitant of the one-pair-back, adjoining
the receptacle of his own truckle-bed and mortal frame.
Luck, whether good or evil, begat Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk an
introduction to some other talented young gentlemen, who had so far
progressed in histrionic acquirements, that from spouting themselves, they
had taken to spouting their watches, and other stray articles of small
value, to enable them to pay the charges of a private theatre, where, as
often as they could raise the needful, they astonished and delighted their
wondering friends. Among this worshipful society was Mr. Horatio
Fitzharding Fitzfunk adopted and enrolled as a trusty and well-beloved
member; and in the above-named private theatre, in suit of solemn black,
slightly relieved by an enormous white handkerchief, and a well-chalked
countenance, did Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, at or about the hour of
half past eight--being precisely sixty minutes behind the period
announced, in consequence of the non-arrival of the one fiddle and ditto
flute comprising, or rather that ought to have comprised, the
orchestra--made his debut, and a particularly nervous bow to the good
folks there assembled, "as and for" the character "of Hamlet, the Danish
Prince."
To describe the "exclamations of delight," the "tornadoes of applause,"
the earthquakes of rapture, or the "breathless breathing" of the entranced
audience, would beat Mr. Bunn into fits, and the German company into
fiddle-cases; so, like a newspaper legacy, which is the only one that
never pays duty, we "_leave_ it to our reader's imagination."
The die was cast. Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk's former avocations
became intensely irksome--if he served a writ it was no longer a "writ of
right." Copies for "Jenkins" were consigned to "Tompkins;" "Brown"
declined pleading to "Smith" and Smith declared off Brown's declaration.
In inquiries after "solvent acceptors," Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk
was still more abroad. In the mystification of his brains, all answers
seemed to be delivered "per contra." Forlorn hopes on three-and sixpenny
stamps were converted into the circulating medium; "good actors" were
considered "good men" in the very reverse of Shylock's acceptation of the
term; and astonished indorsers succeeded in "raising the wind" upon
"kites" they would have bet any odds no "wind in the world could induce to
fly." Everything in this world must come to an end--bills generally do in
three months: so did these, and so did Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk's
responsible and peripatetic avocations in the highly respectable firm of
Messrs. Tims and Swindle, attorneys, and to their cost, through the agency
of Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, bill-discounters, of Thavies' Inn,
Holborn; they, the said highly respectable firm of Tims and Swindle,
handing over to Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk the sum of four and
tenpence, being the balance of his quarter's salary, which, so great was
Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk's opinion of the solvency of the said
highly respectable firm, he had allowed to remain undrawn in their hands,
together with a note utterly and totally declining any further service or
assistance as "_in_" or "_out_door" or any sort of clerk at all, from Mr.
Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, and amiably recommending the said Horatio to
apply elsewhere for a character; the which advice Mr. Horatio Fitzharding
Fitzfunk attended to instanter, and received, in consideration of the sum
of thirty shillings, that of "Richard the Third" from the Dramatic
Committee of Catherine Street. If Hamlet was good, Richard (among the
amateurs) was better; and if Richard was better, Shylock (at "one five")
was best, and Romeo and all the rest better still: and it may be worthy of
remark, that there is no person on earth looked upon by admiring managers
as more certain of success than the "promising young man who PAYS for his
parts."
Now it so happened that Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk's purse became an
exceedingly "Iago"-like, "something, nothing, trashy" sort of affair--in
other words, that its owner, Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, was
regularly stumped; and as the Amateur Dramatic Theatrical Committee
"always go upon the _no pay no play system_," Mr. Horatio Fitzharding
Fitzfunk was about to incur the fate of Lord John Russell's tragedy, and
become regularly "shelved."
In this dilemma Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk addressed all sorts of
letters to all sorts of managers, offering himself for all sorts of
salaries, to play the best of all sorts of business, but never received
any sort of answer from one of them! Returning to his solitary lodging,
after a fortnight's "half and half" of patience and despair, and just as
despair was walking poor patience to Old Harry, Mr. Horatio Fitzharding
Fitzfunk encountered one of his histrionic acquaintance, who did the
"three and sixpenny walking gents," and dramatic general postmen, or
letter-deliverers, at "the Private." In the course of the enlightened
conversation between the said friend, Mr. Julius Dilberry Pipps, and Mr.
Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, Julius Dilberry Pipps expressed an earnest
wish that he "might be blowed considerably tighter than the Vauxhall
balloon if ever he _see_ such a likeness of Mr. Hannibal Fitzflummery
Fitzflam," the "great actor of the day," as his "_bussom_ and intimate,"
Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk! A nervous pressure of Mr. Horatio
Fitzharding Fitzfunk's "pickers and stealers" having nearly reduced to one
vast chaos the severely compressed digits of the enthusiastic Julius
Dilberry Pipps, the invisible green broad-cloth envelopments and drab
lower encasements, crowned with gossamer and based with calf-skin, wherein
the total outward man of Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk was enrobed,
together with his ambulating anatomy, evanished from the startled gaze of
the deserted and finger-contused Julius Dilberry Pipps! Having asserted
the entire realisation of his hastily-formed wish, in the emphatic words,
"Well, I _am_ blowed!" and a further comment, stating his conviction that
"this was _rayther_ a rummy go," Mr. Julius Dilberry Pipps reduced his
exchequer the gross amount of threepence, paid in consideration of the
instant receipt of "a pint o'porter and screw," to the fumigation of which
he applied with such excessive vigour, that in a few moments he might be
said, by his own exertions in "blowing a cloud," to be corporeally as well
as mentally "in nubibus."
To account for the rapid departure of Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, we
must inform our readers the supposed similarity alluded to by Julius
Dilberry Pipps, between the "great creature," Hannibal Fitzflummery
Fitzflam, and Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, had been before frequently
insisted upon: and this assertion of the obtuse Julius Dilberry Pipps now
seemed "confirmation strong as proof of holy writ." Agitated with
conflicting emotions, and regardless of small children and apple-stalls,
Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk rushed on with headlong speed, every now
and then ejaculating, "I'll do it, I'll do it!" A sudden overhauling of
his pockets produced some stray halfpence; master of a "Queen's head," a
sheet of vellum, a new "Mordaunt," and an "envelope," Mr. Horatio
Fitzharding Fitzfunk, arrived at his three-pair-back, indited an epistle
to the manager at the town of ----, with extraordinary haste signed the
document, and, in "the hurry of the moment," left the inscription
thus--H.F. FITZFLAM! The morrow's post brought an answer; the terms were
acceded to, the night appointed for his opening; and Mr. Horatio
Fitzharding Fitzfunk found, upon inspecting the proof of the playbill, the
name in full of "_Mr. Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitzflam_," "the great
tragedian of the day!"
Pass we over the intervening space, and at once come to the momentous
morning of rehearsal. The expected Roscius arrived like punctuality's
self, at the appointed minute, was duly received by the company, who had
previously been canvassing his merits, and assuring each other that all
stars were _muffs_, but Fitzflam one of the most impudent impostors that
ever moved. "I, sir," said the leader of the discontented
fifteen-shillings-a-week-when-they-could-get-it squad, "I have been in the
_profession_ more years than this fellow has months, and he is getting
hundreds where I am neglected: never mind! only give me a chance, and I'll
show him up. But I suppose the management--(pretty management, to engage
such a chap when I'm here)--I suppose they will truckle to him, and send
me on, as usual, for some wretched old bloke there's no getting a hand in.
John Kemble himself (and I'm told I'm in his style), I say, John Kemble,
my prototype, the now immortal John, never got applause in
'_Blokes!_'--But never mind." As a genealogist would say, "Fitz the son of
Funk" never more truly represented his ancestral cognomen than on this
trying occasion. He was no longer with amateurs, but regulars,--fellows
that could "talk and get on somehow;" that were never known to stick in
Richard, when they remembered a speech from George Barnwell; men with
"swallows" like Thames tunnels: in fact, accomplished "gaggers" and
unrivalled "wing watchers." However, as Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk
spoke to none of them, crossed where he liked, cut out most of _their_
best speeches, and turned _all_ their _backs_ to the audience, he passed
muster exceedingly well, and acted the genuine star with considerable
effect. So it was at night. Some folks objected to his knees, to be sure;
but then they were silenced--"What! Fitzflam's knees bad! Nonsense!
Fitzflam is the thing in London; and do you think Fitzflam ought to be
decried in the provinces? hasn't he been lithographed by Lane? Pooh!
impudence! spite!" The great _name_ made Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk
"the great man," and all went swimmingly. On the last night of his
engagement, the night devoted to his benefit, the house was crammed, and
Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, reflecting that all was "cock sure," as
he should pocket the proceeds and return to London undiscovered, was
elevated to Mahomet's seventh heaven of happiness, awaiting with
impatience the prompter's whistle and the raising of the curtain: where
for a time we will leave him, and attend upon the real "Simon Pure"--the
genuine and "old original Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitzflam."
(_To be continued._)
* * * * *
ATRY-ANGLE.
SIR R. PEEL has been recently so successful in fishing for adherents,
that, since bobbing so cleverly for Wakley, he has baited his hook afresh,
and intends to start for Minto House forthwith; having his eye upon a
certain small fish that is ever seen _Russell_ing among the sedges in
troubled waters. We trust Sir Bob will succeed this time in
[Illustration: FISHING FOR JACK.]
* * * * *
PUNCH'S COMMISSION TO INQUIRE INTO THE GENERAL DISTRESS.
I.--_Copy of a Letter from the Under Secretary of State to Punch._
Downing-street.
Sir,--Knowing that you are everywhere, the Secretary of State has desired
me to request you will inquire into the alleged distress, and particularly
into the fact of people who it is alleged are so unreasonable in their
expectations of food, as to die because they cannot get any.
I have the honour to be, &c.
HORATIO FITZ-SPOONY
II.--_Copy of Punch's Letter to the Under Secretary of State._
Sir,--I have received your note. I am everywhere; but as everything is gay
when I make my appearance, I have not seen much of the distress you speak
of. I shall, however, make it my business to look the subject up, and will
convey my report to the Government.
I think it no honour to be yours, &c.; but
I have the very great honour to be myself without any &c.
PUNCH.
In compliance with the above correspondence, Punch proceeded to make the
necessary inquiries, and very soon was enabled to forward the following
REPORT ON THE PUBLIC DISTRESS.
_To Her Majesty's Secretary of State for the Home Department._
Sir,--In compliance with my undertaking to inquire into the public
distress, I went into the manufacturing districts, where I had heard that
several families were living in one room with nothing to eat, and no bed
to lie upon. Now, though it is true that there are in some places as many
as thirty people in one apartment, I do not think their case very
distressing, because, at all events, they have the advantage of society,
which could not be the case if they were residing in separate apartments.
It is clear that their living together must be a matter of choice, because
I found in the same town several extensive mansions inhabited by one or
two people and a few servants; and there are also some hundreds of houses
wholly untenanted. Now, if we multiply the houses by the rooms in them,
and then divide by the number of the population, we should find that there
will be an average of three attics and two-sitting-rooms for each family
of five persons, or an attic and a half with one parlour for every two and
a half individuals; and though one person and a half would find it
inconvenient to occupy a sleeping room and three-quarters, I think my
calculation will show you that the accounts of the insufficiency of
lodging are gross and wicked exaggerations, only spread by designing
persons to embarrass the Government.
With regard to the starvation part of the question, I have made every
possible inquiry, and it is true that several people have died because
they would not eat food; for the facts I shall bring to your notice will
prove that no one can have perished from the _want_ of it. Now, after
visiting a family, which I was told were in a famishing state, what was my
surprise to observe a baker's shop exactly opposite their lodging, whilst
a short way down the street there was a butcher's also! The family
consisted of a husband and wife, four girls, eight boys, and an infant of
three weeks old, making in all fifteen individuals. They told me they were
literally dying of hunger, and that they had applied to the vestry, who
had referred them to the guardians, who had referred them to the overseer,
who had referred them to the relieving officer, who had gone out of town,
and would be back in a week or two. Not even supposing there were a brief
delay in attending to their case, at least by the proper authorities, you
will perceive that I have already alluded to a baker's and a butcher's,
_both_ (it will scarcely be believed at the Home-office) in the _very
street_ the family were residing in. Being determined to judge for myself,
I counted personally the number of four-pound loaves in the baker's
window, which amounted to thirty-six, while there were twenty-five
two-pound loaves on the shelves, to say nothing of fancy-bread and flour
_ad libitum_. But let us take the loaves alone,
36 loaves, each weighing four pounds,
Multiplied by 4
---
will give 144 pounds of wheaten bread;
To which must be added 50 pounds (the weight of the 25 half-qtns.),
---
Making a total of 194 pounds of good wholesome bread,
which, if divided amongst a family of fifteen, would give 12 pounds and 14
fractions of a pound to each individual. Knocking off the baby, for the
sake of uniformity, and striking out the mother, both of whom might be
supposed to take the fancy bread and the flour, which I have not included
in my calculation, and in order to get even numbers, supposing that 194
pounds of bread might become 195 pounds by over weight, we should get the
enormous quantity of fifteen full pounds weight of bread, or a stone and
one-fourteenth, (more, positively, than anybody ought to eat), for the
husband and each of the children (except the baby, who gets a moiety of
the rolls) belonging to this _starving family_!!! You will see, Sir, how
shamefully matters have been misrepresented by the Anti-Corn-Law
demagogues; but let us now come to the butcher's meat.
It will hardly be credited that I counted no less than fourteen sheep
hanging up in the shop I have alluded to, while there was a bullock being
skinned in the back yard, and a countless quantity of liver and lights all
over the premises. Knocking off the infant again for the sake of
uniformity, you will perceive that the fourteen sheep would be one sheep
each for every member of this family, including the mother, to whom we
gave half the rolls and flour in the former case, and there still remains
(to say nothing of the entire bullock for the baby of three weeks, which
no one will deny to be sufficient) a large quantity of lights, et cetera,
for the cat or dog, if there should be such a wilful extravagance in the
family. With these facts I close my report, and I trust that you will see
how thoroughly I have proved the assertion of the Duke of Wellington--that
if there is distress, it must be in some way quite unconnected with a want
of food, for there is plenty to eat in every part of the country.
I shall be happy to undertake further inquiries, and shall have no
objection to consider myself regularly under Government.
Yours obediently,
PUNCH.
* * * * *
THE TEA SERVICE ON SEA SERVICE.
LORD JOCELYN, in his recent work upon China, while writing upon the
pastimes and amusements of the people, expresses great satisfaction at the
entertainment afforded travellers in their private assemblies; though he
confesses, as a general principle, he should always avoid making one in
the more promiscuous
[Illustration: CHINESE JUNKETTING.]
* * * * *
THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.
CHAPTER VII.
CONTAINS A VERY FAIR BILL OF FARE.
[Illustration: S]Simultaneously with the last chord of the last quadrille
the important announcement was made that supper was ready--a piece of
information that produced a visible commotion among the party. Young
gentlemen who had incautiously engaged old or ugly partners evinced a
decided desire to get rid of them, or, by the expression of their
countenances, seemed to be inwardly cursing their unfortunate situation.
Young ladies in whose bosoms the first "slight predilection" had taken up
a residence, experienced, they knew not why, a mental and physical
prostration at the absence of Orlando Sims or Tom Walker, who (how
provoking!) were doing the gallant to some "horrid disagreeable
coquettes." Mamas, who really did like a good supper, and considered it
an integral portion of their daily sustenance, crowded towards the door
that led to the comestibles, fearing that they might not get eligible
situations before the solids, but be placed among the bashful young
gentlemen, who linger to the last to pull off their gloves in order to
pull them on again, and look as though they considered they ought to be
happy and were extremely surprised that they were not.
The arrangement of the supper-table displayed the deep research of
Mesdames Applebite and Waddledot in the mysteries of gastronomical
architecture. Pagodas of barley-sugar glistened in the rays of thirty-six
wax candles and four Argand lamps--parterres of jellies, gravelled round
with ratafias or valanced with lemon-peel, trembled as though in sympathy
with the agitated bosoms of their delicate concocters--custards freckled
with nutmeg clustered the crystal handles of their cups
together--sarcophagi of pound cakes frowned, as it were, upon the
sweetness which surrounded them--whilst fawn-coloured elephants (from the
confectionary menagerie of the celebrated Simpson of the Strand) stood
ready to be slaughtered. Huge stratified pies courted the inquiries of
appetite. Chickens boiled and roast reposed on biers of blue china
bedecked with sprigs of green parsley and slices of yellow lemon. Tanks of
golden sherry and
[Illustration: FULL-BODIED PORTE]
wooed the thirsty revellers; and never since the unlucky
dessert of Mother Eve have temptations been so willingly embraced. The
carnage commenced--spoons dived into the jelly--knives lacerated the
poultry and the raised pies--a colony of custards vanished in a
moment--the elephants were demolished by "ivories[1]"--the sarcophagi were
buried--and the glittering pagodas melted rapidly before the heat and the
attacks of four little ladies in white muslin and pink sashes. The tanks
of sherry and port were distributed by the young gentlemen into the
glasses and over the dresses of the young ladies. The tipsy-cake, like the
wreck of the _Royal George_, was rescued from the foaming ocean in which
it had been imbedded. The diffident young gentlemen grew very red about
the eyes, and very loquacious about the "next set after supper;" whilst
the faces of the elderly ladies all over lie room looked like the red
lamps on Westminster Bridge, and ought to have been beacons to warn the
inexperienced that where they shone there was very little water. The
violent clattering of the plates was at length succeeded by a succession
of merry giggles and provoking little screams, occasioned by the rapid
discharge of a park of _bonbons_.
[1] _Anglice_, Teeth.--THE _one_ PIERCE.
Where the "slight predilection" was reciprocated, the Orlando Simses and
the Tom Walkers were squeezing in beside the blushing idols of their
worship and circling the waists of their divinities with their arms, in
order to take up less room on the rout-stool.
Mamas were shaking heads at daughters who had ventured upon a tenth sip of
a glass of sherry. Papas were getting extremely jocular about the
probability of becoming grand-dittos. Everybody else was doing exactly
what everybody pleased, when Mrs. Applebite's uncle John emerged from
behind an epergne, and vociferously commanded everybody to charge their
glasses; a requisition which nobody was bold enough to dispute. Uncle John
then wiped his lips in the table-cloth, and proceeded to inform the
company of a fact that was universally understood, that they had met there
to celebrate the first dental dawn of the heir of Applebite. "I have only
to refer you," said uncle John, "to the floor of the next room for the
response to my request--namely, that you will drain your glasses; and, in
the words of nephew Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite, 'partake of our
dental delight.'" This eloquent address was followed by immense cheering
and a shower of sherry bottoms, which the gentlemen in their "entusymusy"
scattered around them as Hesperus is reported to dispense his tee-total
drops.
Nothing could be going on better--no woman could feel prouder than Mrs.
Waddledot, when--we hope you don't anticipate the catastrophe--when two of
the Argand lamps gave olfactory demonstrations of dissolution. Sperm oil
is a brilliant illuminator, but we never knew any one except an Esquimaux,
or a Russian, who preferred it to lavender-water as a perfume. Old John
was in a muddle of misery--evidently
[Illustration: LOOKING DOWN UPON HIS LUCK.--]
and was only relieved from his embarrassment by the following fortunate
occurrence:--
By-the-bye, we have just recollected that we have an invitation to dinner.
Reader--_au revoir_.
* * * * *