Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, October 16, 1841 by Various
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Various >> Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, October 16, 1841
"_Seven o'clock_, A.M.--News has just arrived from Pampeluna that the
Carlists are so disgusted with the counter-revolution, that a
counter-counter-revolution having taken place amongst the shopkeepers, in
favour of the Queen Regent, the Carlists have joined it. After all, the
Queen Mother will doubtless permanently occupy the throne--at least for a
day or two.
"_Eight o'clock_.--News has just arrived from Biscay of a new revolt,
extending through all the Basque provinces; and they are only waiting for
some eligible pretender to come forward to give to this happy country
another ruler. Advices from all parts are indeed crowded with reports of a
rebellious spirit, so that a dozen revolutions a-week may be assuredly
anticipated during the next twelvemonth."
* * * * *
SONGS OF THE SEEDY.--No. 4.
And must we part?--well, let it be;
'Tis better thus, oh, yes, believe me;
For though I still was true to thee,
Thou, faithless maiden, wouldst deceive me.
Take back this written pledge of love,
No more I'll to my bosom fold it;
The ring you gave, your faith to prove,
I can't return--because I've sold it!
I will not ask thee to restore
Each _gage d'armour_, or lover's token,
Which I had given thee before
The links between us had been broken.
They were not much, but oh! that brooch,
If for my sake thou'st deign'd to save it,
For that, at least, I must encroach,--
It wasn't mine, although I gave it.
The gem that in my breast I wore,
That once belonged unto your mother
Which, when you gave to me, I swore
For life I'd love you, and no other.
Can you forget that cheerful morn,
When in my breast thou first didst stick it?--
I can't restore it--it's in pawn;
But, base deceiver--that's the ticket.
Oh, take back all, I cannot bear
These proofs of love--they seem to mock it;
There, false one, take your lock of hair--
Nay, do not ask me for the locket.
Insidious girl! that wily tear
Is useless now, that all is ended:
There is thy curl--nay, do not sneer,
The locket's--somewhere--being mended.
The dressing-case you lately gave
Was fit, I know, for Bagdad's caliph;
I used it only once to shave,
When it was taken by the bailiff.
Than thou didst give I bring back less;
But hear the truth, without more dodging--
The landlord's been with a distress,
And positively cleared my lodging.
* * * * *
CONS. BY O CONNELL.
What English word expresses the Latin for cold?--"Jelly"-does (_Gelidus_).
Why is a blackleg called a sharper?--Because he's less blunt than other
men.
Why is a red-herring like a Mackintosh?--Because it keeps one _dry_ all
day.
* * * * *
PUNCH'S THEATRE.
OLD MAIDS.
_Sir Philip Brilliant_ is a gentleman of exquisite breeding--a man of
fashion, with a taste for finery, and somewhat of a fop. He reveals his
pretty figure to us, arrayed in all the glories of white and pink satins,
embellished with flaunting ribbons, and adorned with costly jewels. His
servant is performing the part of mirror, by explaining the beauties of
the dress, and trying to discover its faults: his researches for flaws are
unavailing, till his master promises him a crown if he can find one--nine
valets out of ten would make a misfit for half the money; and _Robert_
instantly pays a tribute to the title of the play by discovering a
_wrinkle_--equally an emblem of an "Old Maid" and an ill-fitting vest.
This incident shows us that _Sir Philip_ is an amateur in dress; but his
predilection is further developed by his exit, which is made to scold his
goldsmith for the careless setting of a lost diamond. The next scene takes
us to the other side of Temple-bar; in fact, upon Ludgate-hill. We are
inside the shop of the goldsmith, _Master Blount_, most likely the founder
of the firm now conducted by Messrs. Rundell and Bridge. He has two sons,
who, being brought up to the same trade, and always living together, are,
of course, eternally quarrelling. Both have a violent desire to cut the
shop; the younger for glory, ambition, and all that (after the fashion of
all city juveniles, who hate hard work), the elder for ease and elegance.
The papa and mamma have a slight altercation on the subject of their sons,
which happily, (for family quarrels seldom amuse third parties) is put an
end to by a second "shine," brought about by the entrance of _Sir Philip
Brilliant_, to make the threatened complaint about bad workmanship. The
younger and fiery _Thomas Blount_ resents some of _Sir P.B._'s expressions
to his father; this is followed by the usual _badinage_ about swords and
their use. We make up our minds that the next scene is to consist of a
duel, and are not disappointed.
Sure enough a little rapier practice ends the act; the shopman is wounded,
and his adversary takes the usual oath of being his sworn friend for ever.
The second act introduces a new class of incidents. A great revolution has
taken place in the private concerns of the family Blount. _Thomas_, the
younger, has become a colonel in the army; John, having got possession of
the shop, has sold the stock-in-trade, fixtures, good-will, &c.;
doubtless, to the late _Mr. Rundell's_ great-grandfather; and has set up
for a private gentleman. For his introduction into genteel society he is
indebted to _Robert_, whom he has mistaken for a Baronet, and who presents
him to several of his fellow-knights of the shoulder-knot, all dubbed, for
the occasion, lords and ladies, exactly as it happens in the farce of
"High Life Below Stairs."
But where are the "Old Maids" all this time? Where, indeed! _Lady Blanche_
and _Lady Anne_ are young and beautiful--exquisitely lovely; for they are
played by Madame Vestris and Mrs. Nisbett. It is clear, then, that
directly they appear, the spectator assures himself that they are _not_
the "Old Maids." To be sure they seem to have taken a sort of vow of
celibacy; but their fascinating looks--their beauty--their enchanting
manners, offer a challenge to the whole bachelor world, that would make
the keeping of such a vow a crime next to sacrilege. One does not tremble
long on that account. _Lady Blanche_, has, we are informed, taken to
disguising herself; and some time since, while rambling about in the
character of a yeoman's daughter, she entered _Blount's_ shop, and fell in
love with _Thomas_: at this exact part of the narrative _Colonel Blount_
is announced, attended by his sworn friend, _Sir Philip Brilliant_. A sort
of partial recognition takes place; which leaves the audience in a
dreadful state of suspense till the commencement of another act.
_Sir Philip_, who has formerly loved _Lady Blanche_ without success, now
tries his fortune with _Lady Anne_; and at this point, dramatic invention
ends; for, excepting the mock-marriage of _John Blount_ with a
lady's-maid, the rest of the play is occupied by the vicissitudes the two
pair of lovers go through--all of their own contrivance, on purpose to
make themselves as wretched as possible--till the grand clearing up, which
always takes place in every last scene, from the "Adelphi" of Terence (or
Yates), down to the "Old Maids" of Mr. Sheridan Knowles.
* * * * *
COCORICO, OR MY AUNT'S BANTAM.
Since playwrights have left off plotting and under-plotting on their own
account, and depend almost entirely upon the "French," managers have added
a new member to their establishments, and, like the morning papers, employ
a Paris correspondent, that French plays, as well as French eggs, may be
brought over quite fresh; though from the slovenly manner in which they
(the pieces, not the eggs) are too often prepared for the English market,
they are seldom _neat_ as imported.
The gentleman who "does" the Parisian correspondence for the Adelphi
Theatre, has supplied it with a vaudeville bearing the above title; the
fable, of which, like some of AEsop's, principally concerns a hen, that,
however, does not speak, and a smart cockscomb who does--an innocent
little fair who has charge of the fowl--a sort of _Justice Woodcock_, and
a bombardier who, because he is in the uniform of a drum or bugle-major,
calls himself a serjeant. To these may be added, Mr. Yates in his own
private character, and a few sibilants in the pit, who completed the
poultry-nature of the piece by playing the part of geese.
The plot would have been without interest, but for the accidental
introduction of the last two characters,--or the geese and the
cock-of-the-walk. The pittites, affronted at the extreme puerility of some
of the incidents, and the inanity of all the dialogue, hissed. This
raffled the feathers of the cock-of-the-walk, who was already on, or
rather at, the wing; and he flew upon the stage in a tantrum, to silence
the geese. Mr. Yates spoke--we need not say how or what. Everybody knows
how he of the Adelphi shrugs his shoulders, and squeezes his hat, and
smiles, and frowns, and "appeals" and "declares upon his honour" while
agitating the buttons on the left side of his coat, and "entreats" and
"throws himself upon the candour of a British public," and puts the stamp
upon all he has said by an impressive thump of the foot, a final flourish
of the arms, and a triumphal exit to poean-sounding "bravoes!" and to the
utter confusion of all dis--or to be more correct, hiss--sentients.
In the end, however, the latter triumphed; and _Cocorico_ deserved its
fate in spite of the actors. Mrs. Grattan played the chief character with
much tact and cleverness, singing the vaudevilles charmingly--a most
difficult task, we should say, on account of the adapter, in putting
English words to French music, having ignorantly mis-accentuated a large
majority of them. Miss Terrey infused into a simple country girl a degree
of character which shews that she has not yet fallen into the vampire-trap
of too many young performers--stage conventionalism, and that she copies
from Nature. It is unfortunate for both these clever actresses that they
have been thrust into a piece, which not even their talents could save
from partial ----, but it is a naughty word, and Mrs. Judy has grown very
strict. The piece wants _cur_-tailment; which, if previously applied, will
increase the interest, and make it, perhaps, an endurable dramatic
[Illustration: FRENCH "TAIL"--WITH CUTS.]
* * * * *
PROMENADE CONCERTS.
The conductor of these concerts has not a single requisite for his
office--he is several degrees less personable than M. Jullien--he does not
even wear moustaches! and to suppose that a man can beat time properly
without them is ridiculous. He looks a great deal more like a modest,
respectable grocer, than a man of genius; for he neither turns up his eyes
nor his cuffs, and has the indecency to appear without white gloves! His
manners, too, are an insult to the lovers of the thunder and lightning
school of music; he neither conducts himself, nor his band, with the least
grace or _eclat_. He does not spread out both arms like a goose that wants
to fly, while hushing down a _diminuendo_; nor gesticulate like a madman
during the fortes; in short, he only gives out the time in passages where
the players threaten unsteadiness; and as that is very seldom, those
amateurs who pay their money only for the pleasure of seeing the _baton_
flourished about, are defrauded of half their amusement. M. Musard takes
them in--for it must be evident, even to them, that what we have said is
true, and that he possesses scarcely a qualification for the office he
holds--if we make one trifling exception (hardly worth mentioning)--for he
is nothing more than, merely, a first-rate musician. With this single
accomplishment, it is like his impudence to try and foist himself upon the
Cockney _dilettanti_ after M. Jullien, who possessed every other requisite
for a conductor _but_ a knowledge of the science; which is, after all, a
paltry acquirement, and purely mechanical.
On the evening PUNCH was present, the usual dose of quadrilles and waltzes
was administered, with an admixture from the dull scores of Beethoven.
Disgusted as we were at the humbug of performing the works of this master
without blue-fire, and an artificial storm in the flies, yet--may we
confess it?--we were nearly as much charmed by the "Andante" from his
Symphonia in A, as if the lights had been put out to give it effect. We
blush for our taste, but thank our _stars_ (Jullien included) that we have
the courage to own the soft impeachment in the face of an enlightened
Concert d'Ete patronising public. In sober truth, we were ravished! The
pianos of this movement were so exquisitely kept, the _ensemble_ of them
was so complete, the wind instruments were blown so exactly in tune, so
evenly in tone, that the whole passion of that touching andante seemed to
be felt by the entire band, which _went_ as one instrument. The
subject--breaking in as it does, when least expected, and worked about
through nearly every part of the score, so as to produce the most
delicious effects--was played with equal delicacy and feeling by every
performer who had to take it up; while the under-current of accompaniment
was made to blend with it with a masterly command and unanimity of tone,
that we cannot remember to have heard equalled.
Of course, this piece, though it enchanted the musical part of the
audience, disgusted the promenaders, and was received but coldly. This,
however, was made up for when the drumming, smashing, and brass-blurting
of the overture to "Zampa" was noised forth: this was encored with
ecstacies, and so were some of the quadrilles. Happy musical taste!
Beethoven's septour, arranged as a set of quadrilles, is a desecration
unworthy of Musard. For this piece of bad taste he ought to be condemned
to arrange the sailor's hornpipe, as
[Illustration: A SLOW MOVEMENT IN C (SEA).]
* * * * *
THE WAR WITH CHINA.
The celebrated pranks of the "Bull in the China Shop" are likely to be
repeated on a grand scale--the part of the Bull being undertaken, on this
occasion, by the illustrious John who is at the head of the family.
The Emperor, when the last advices left, was discussing a _chop_,
surrounded by all his ministers. The chop, which was dished up with a good
deal of Chinese sauce, was ultimately forwarded to Elliot. The custom of
sending chops to an enemy is founded on the idea, that the fact of there
being a bone to pick cannot be conveyed with more delicacy than "by
wrapping it up," as it is commonly termed, as politely as possible.
Our readers will be surprised to hear that the Chinese have attacked our
forces with _junk_, from which it has been supposed that our brave tars
have been pitched into with large pieces of salt beef, while the English
commanders have been pelted with _chops_; but this is an error. The thing
called _junk_ is not the article of that name used in the Royal Navy, but
a gimcrack attempt at a vessel, built principally of that sort of
material, something between wood and paper, of which we in this country
manufacture hat-boxes.
The Emperor is such a devil of a fellow, that those about him are afraid
to tell him the truth; and though his troops have been most unmercifully
wallopped, he has been humbugged into the belief that they have achieved a
victory. A poor devil named Ke-shin, who happened to suggest the necessity
for a stronger force, was instantly split up by order of the Emperor, who
can now and then do things by halves, though such is not his ordinary
custom.
We have sent out a correspondent of our own to China, who will supply us
with the earliest intelligence.
* * * * *
TO BENEVOLENT AND HUMANE JOKERS.
CASE OF EXTREME JOCULAR DISTRESS.
The sympathies of a charitable and witty public are earnestly solicited in
behalf of
JOHN WILSON CROKER, Esq., late Secretary to the Admiralty, author of the
"New Whig Guide," &c., &c., who, from having been considered one of the
first wits of his day, is now reduced to a state of unforeseen comic
indigence. It is earnestly hoped that this appeal will not be made in
vain, and that, by the liberal contributions of the facetious, he will be
restored to his former affluence in jokes, and that by such means he may
be able to continue his contributions to the "Quarterly Review," which
have been recently refused from their utter dulness.
Contributions will be thankfully received at the PUNCH office; by the Hon.
and Rev. Baptist Noel; Rogers, Towgood, and Co.; at the House of Commons;
and the Garrick's Head.
SUBSCRIPTIONS ALREADY RECEIVED.
Samuel Rogers, Esq.--Ten puns, and a copy of "Italy."
Tom Cooke, Esq.--One joke (musical), consisting of "God save the Queen,"
arranged for the penny trumpet.
T. Hood, Esq.--Twenty-three epigrams.
Hon. and Rev. Baptist Noel.--A laughable Corn-law pamphlet.
John Poole, Esq.--A new farce, with liberty to extract all the jokes from
the same, amounting to two _jeux d'esprit_ and a pun.
Proprietors of PUNCH.--The "copy" for No. 15 of the LONDON
CHARIVARI, containing seventeen hundred sentences, and therefore as many
jests.
Col. Sibthorp.--A conundrum.
Daniel O'Connell.--An Irish _tail_.
Messrs. Grissel and Peto.--A _strike_-ing masonic interlude, called "The
Stone-masons at a Stand-still; or, the Rusty Trowel."
Commissioner Lin.--A special edict.
Lord John Russell.--"A new Guide to Matrimony," and a facetious essay,
called "How to leave one's Lodgings."
* * * * *
LAURIE'S ESSAY ON THE PHARMACOPOEIA.
Sir P. LAURIE begs to inquire of the medical student, whose physiology is
recorded in PUNCH, in what part of the country Farmer Copoeia resides, and
whether he is for or against the Corn Laws?
* * * * *