Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, October 16, 1841 by Various
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Various >> Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, October 16, 1841
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
VOL. 1.
FOR THE WEEK ENDING OCTOBER 16, 1841.
* * * * *
TRADE REPORT.
(FROM OUR OWN REPORTER.)
[Illustration: T]The market has been in a most extraordinary state all the
morning. Our first advices informed us that feathers were getting very
heavy, and that lead was a great deal brisker than usual. In the
fish-market, flounders were not so flat as they had been, and, to the
surprise of every one, were coming round rapidly.
The deliveries of tallow were very numerous, and gave a smoothness to the
transactions of the day, which had a visible effect on business. Every
species of fats were in high demand, but the glut of mutton gave a
temporary check to the general facility of the ordinary operations.
The milk market is in an unsettled state, the late rains having caused an
unusual abundance. A large order for skim, for the use of a parish union,
gave liveliness to the latter portion of the day, which had been
exceedingly gloomy during the whole morning.
We had a long conversation in the afternoon with a gentleman who is up to
every move in the poultry-market, and his opinion is, that the flouring
system must soon prove the destruction of fair and fowl commerce. We do
not wish to be premature, but our informant is a person in whom we place
the utmost reliance, and, indeed, there is every reason why we should
depend upon so respectable an authority.
Cotton is in a dull state. We saw only one ball in the market, and even
that was not in a dealer's hands, but was being used by a basket-woman,
who was darning a stocking. After this, who can be surprised at the
stoppage of the factories?
Nothing was done in gloves, and what few sales were effected, seemed to be
merely for the purpose of keeping the hand in, with a view to future
dealings.
* * * * *
THE GEOLOGY OF SOCIETY.
The study of Geology, in the narrow acceptation of the word, is confined
to the investigation of the materials which compose this terrestrial
globe;--in its more extended signification, it relates, also, to the
examination of the different layers or strata of society, as they are to
be met with in the world.
Society is divided into three great strata, called High Life--Middle
Life--and Low Life. Each of these strata contains several classes, which
have been ranged in the following order, descending from the highest to
the lowest--that is, from the drawing-room of St. James's to the cellar in
St. Giles's.
_ _
| | ST. JAMES'S SERIES.
H | | People wearing coronets.
i | Superior__| People related to coronets.
g | Class. | People having no coronet, but who expect to get one.
h | | People who talk of their grandfathers, and keep a
-| | carriage.
L | |_
i | _
f | | SECONDARY.
e | | (_Russell-square group._)
| | People who keep a carriage, but are silent
|_ | respecting their grandfathers.
_ | People who give dinners to the superior series.
| | People who talk of the four per cents, and are
| | suspected of being mixed up in a grocery concern
M | Transition_| in the City.
i | Class. |
d | | (_Clapham group._)
d | | People who "confess the Cape," and say, that though
l | | Pa amuses himself in the dry-salter line in
e | | Fenchurch-street, he needn't do it if he didn't
-| | like.
L | | People who keep a shop "concern" and a one-horse
i | | shay, and go to Ramsgate for three weeks in the
f | |_ dog-days.
e | _
| | People who keep a "concern," but no shay, do the
| | genteel with the light porter in livery on solemn
| | occasions.
| | People, known as "shabby-genteels," who prefer
|Metamorphic | walking to riding, and study Kidd's "How to live
|_ class. __| on a hundred a-year."
_ |
L | | INFERIOR SERIES.
o | | (_Whitechapel group._)
w | | People who dine at one o'clock, and drink stout out
| |_ of the pewter, at the White Conduit Gardens.
L-| _
i | | People who think Bluchers fashionable, and ride in
f | Primitive__| pleasure "wans" to Richmond on Sundays in summer.
e | Formation. |
| | (_St. Giles's group._)
|_ |_Tag-rag and bob-tail in varieties.
It will be seen, by a glance at the above table, that the three great
divisions of society, namely, _High Life, Low Life_, and _Middle Life_,
are subdivided, or more properly, sub-classed, into the Superior,
Transition, and Metamorphic classes. Lower still than these in the social
scale is the Primitive Formation--which may be described as the basis and
support of all the other classes. The individuals comprising it may be
distinguished by their ragged surface, and shocking bad hats; they
effervesce strongly with gin or Irish whiskey. This class comprehends the
_St. Giles's Group_--(which is the lowest of all the others, and is found
only in the great London basin)--and that portion of the Whitechapel group
whose individuals wear Bluchers and ride in pleasure 'wans' to Richmond on
Sundays. In man's economy the _St. Giles's Group_ are exceedingly
important, being usually employed in the erection of buildings, where
their great durability and hod-bearing qualities are conspicuous. Next in
order is the Metamorphic class--so called, because of the singular
metamorphoses that once a week takes place amongst its individuals; their
common every-day appearance, which approaches nearly to that of the _St.
Giles's Group_, being changed, on Sundays, to a variegated-coloured
surface, with bright buttons and a shining "four-and-nine"--goss. This
class includes the upper portion of the _Whitechapel Group_, and the two
lower strata of the _Clapham Group_. The _Whitechapel Group_ is the most
elevated layer of the inferior series. The Shabby Genteel stratum occupies
a wide extent on the Surrey side of the water--it is part of the _Clapham
Group_, and is found in large quantities in the neighbourhood of
Kennington, Vauxhall, and the Old Kent-road. A large vein of it is also to
be met with at Mile-end and Chelsea. It is the lowest of the secondary
formation. This stratum is characterised by its fossil remains--a great
variety of miscellaneous articles--such as watches, rings, and silk
waistcoats and snuff-boxes being found firmly imbedded in what are
technically termed _avuncular depositories_. The deposition of these
matters has been referred by the curious to various causes; the most
general supposition being, a peremptory demand for rent, or the like, on
some particular occasion, when they were carried either by the owner, his
wife, or daughter, from their original to their present position, and left
amongst an accumulation of "popped" articles from various districts. The
chief evidence on this point is not derived from the fossils themselves,
but from their _duplicates_, which afford the most satisfactory proof of
the period at which they were deposited. Articles which appear originally
to have belonged to the neighbourhood of Belgrave-square have been
frequently found in the depositories of the district between Bethnal-green
and Spitalfields. By what social deluge they could have been conveyed to
such a distance, is a question that has long puzzled the ablest
geologists. Immediately above the "shabby genteel" stratum are found the
people who "keep a shop concern, but no shay;" it is the uppermost layer
of the Metamorphic Class, and, in some instances, may be detected mingling
with the supra-genteel _Clapham Group_. The "shop and no shay" stratum
forms a considerable portion of the London basin. It is characterised by
its coarseness of texture, and a conglomeration of the parts of speech.
Its animal remains usually consist of retired licensed victuallers and
obese tallow-chandlers, who are generally found in beds of soft formation,
separated from superincumbent layers of Marseilles quilts, by interposing
strata of thick double Witneys.
Having proceeded thus far upwards in the social formation, we shall pause
until next week, when we shall commence with the lower portion of the
TRANSITION CLASS--the "shop and shay people"--and, as we hope, convince
our readers of the immense importance of our subject, and the great
advantage of studying the strata of human life
[Illustration: UNDER A GREAT MASTER.]
* * * * *
COVENTRY'S WISE PRECAUTION.
Some person was relating to the Earl of Coventry the strange fact that the
Earl of Devon's harriers last week gave chase, in his demesne, to an
unhappy donkey, whom they tore to pieces before they could be called off;
upon which his lordship asked for a piece of chalk and a slate, and
composed the following _jeu d'esprit_ on the circumstance:--
I'm truly shocked that Devon's hounds
The gentle ass has slain;
For _me_ to shun his lordship's grounds,
It seems a warning plain.
* * * * *
CONTINUATIONS FROM CHINA.
It is generally reported that the usual _drill_ continuations of the
British tars are about to be altered by those manning the fleet off China,
who purpose adopting _Nankin_ as soon as possible.
* * * * *
THE VERY "NEXT" JONATHAN.
There is a Quaker in New Orleans so desperate _upright_ in all his
dealings, that he won't sit down to eat his meals.
* * * * *
[Illustration]
POOR JACK.
A sailor ashore, after a long cruise, is a natural curiosity. Twenty-four
hours' liberty has made him the happiest dog in existence; and the only
drawback to his perfect felicity, is the difficulty of getting rid of his
prize-money within the allotted time. It must, however, be confessed, that
he displays a vast deal of ingenuity in devising novel modes of spending
his rhino. Watches, trinkets, fiddlers, coaches, grog, and girls, are the
long-established and legitimate modes of clearing out his lockers; but
even these means are sometimes found inadequate to effect the desired
object with sufficient rapidity. When there happens to be a number of
brother-tars similarly employed, who have engaged all the coaches,
fiddlers, and sweethearts in the town, it is then that Jack is put to his
wits'-end; and it is only by buying cocked-hats and top-boots for the
boat's-crew, or some such absurdity, that he can get all his cash
scattered before he is obliged to return on board. This is a picture of a
sailor _ashore_, but a sailor _aground_ is a different being altogether.
An unlucky shot may deprive him of a leg or arm; he may be frost-nipped at
the pole, or get a _coup de soleil_ in the tropics, and then be turned
upon the world to shape his course amongst its rocks and shallows, with
the bitter blast of poverty in his teeth. But Jack is not to be beaten so
easily; although run aground, he refuses to strike his flag, and, with a
cheerful heart, goes forth into the highways and byeways to sing "the
dangers of the sea," and, to collect from the pitying passers-by, the
coppers that drop, "like angel visits," into his little oil-skin hat.
These nautical melodists, with voices as rough as their beards, are to be
met with everywhere; but they abound chiefly in the neighbourhood of
Deptford and Wapping, where they seem to be indigenous. The most
remarkable specimen of the class may, however, frequently be seen about
the streets of London, carrying at his back a good-sized box, inside
which, and peeping through a sort of port-hole, a pretty little girl of
some two years old exhibits her chubby face. Surmounting the box, a small
model of a frigate, all a-tant and ship-shape, represents "Her Majesty's
(God bless her!) frigate Billy-ruffian, on board o' which the exhibitor
lost his blessed limb."
Jack--we call him Jack, though we confess we are uncertain of his
baptismal appellation--because Jack is a sort of generic name for his
species--Jack prides himself on his little Poll and his little ship, which
he boasts are the miniature counterparts of their lovely originals; and
with these at his back, trudges merrily along, trusting that Providence
will help him to "keep a southerly wind out of the bread-bag." Jack's
songs, as we have remarked, all relate to the sea--he is a complete
repository of Dibdin's choice old ballads and fok'sl chaunts. "Tom
Bowling," "Lovely Nan," "Poor Jack," and "Lash'd to the helm," with
"Cease, rude Boreas," and "Rule Britannia," are amongst his favourite
pieces, but the "Bay of Biscay" is his crack performance: with this he
always commenced, when he wanted to enlist the sympathies of his
auditors,--mingling with the song sundry interlocutory notes and comments.
Having chosen a quiet street, where the appearance of mothers with blessed
babbies in the windows prognosticates a plentiful descent of coppers, Jack
commences by pitching his voice uncommonly strong, and tossing Poll and
the Billy-ruffian from side to side, to give an idea of the way Neptune
sarves the navy,--strikes, as one may say, into deep water, by plunging
into "The Bay of Biscay," in the following manner;--
"Loud roar'd the dreadful thunder--
The rain a deluge pours--
Our sails were split asunder,
By lightning's vivid pow'rs.
"Do, young gentleman!--toss a copper to poor little Poll. Ah! bless you,
master!--may you never want a shot in your locker. Thank the gentleman,
Polly--
"The night both drear and dark,
Our poor desarted bark,
There she lay--(lay quiet, Poll!)
"There she lay--Noble lady in the window, look with pity on poor Jack,
and his little Polly--till next day,
In the Bay of Biscay O."
"Pray, kind lady, help the poor shipwrecked sailor--cast away on his
voyage to the West Ingees, in a dreadful storm. Sixteen hands on us took
to the long-boat, my lady, and was thrown on a desart island, three
thousand miles from any land; which island was unfortunately manned by
Cannibals, who roast and eat every blessed one of us, except the cook's
black boy; and him they potted, my lady, and I'm bless'd but they'd have
potted me, too, if I hadn't sung out to them savages, in this 'ere sort of
way, my lady--
"Come all you jolly sailors bold,
Whose hearts are cast in honour's mould,
While British valour I unfold--
Huzza! for the Arethusa!
She was a frigate stout and brave
As ever stemm'd the dashing wave--
"Lord love your honour, and throw the poor sailor who has fought and bled
for his country, a trifle to keep him from foundering. Look, your honour,
how I lost my precious limb in the sarvice. You see we was in the little
Tollymakus frigate, cruising off the banks o' Newf'land, when we fell in
with a saucy Yankee, twice the size of our craft; but, bless your honour,
that never makes no odds to British sailors, and so we sarved her out with
hot dumpling till she got enough, and forced her to haul down her stripes
to the flag of Old England. But somehow, your honour, I caught a chance
ball that threw me on my beam-ends, and left me to sing--
"My name d'ye see's Tom Tough,
And I've seen a little sarvice,
Where the mighty billows roll and loud tempests blow,
I've sail'd with noble Howe,
And I've fought with gallant Jarvis,
And in gallant Duncan's fleet I've sung--yo-heave-oh!"
"A sixpence or a shilling rewards Jack's loyalty and eloquence. A violent
tossing of Polly and the ship testify his gratitude; and pocketing the
coin he has collected, he puts about, and shapes his course for some other
port, singing lustily as he goes--
"Rule Britannia! Britannia rules the waves!"
Farewell, POOR JACK!
* * * * *
THOSE DIVING BELLES! THOSE DIVING BELLES!
Some of our contemporaries have been dreadfully scandalised at the
indelicate scenes which take place on the sands at Ramsgate, where, it
seems, a sort of joint-stock social bathing company has been formed by the
duckers and divers of both sexes. Situations for obtaining favourable
views are anxiously sought after by elderly gentlemen, by whom opera
glasses and pocket telescopes are much patronised. Greatly as we admire
the investigation of nature in her unadorned simplicity, Ramsgate would be
the last place we should select, if we were
[Illustration: GOING DOWN TO A WATERING PLACE.]
* * * * *
PROSPECTUS
OF A NEW GRAND NATIONAL AND UNIVERSAL STEAM INSURANCE, RAILROAD ACCIDENT,
AND PARTIAL MUTILATION PROVIDENT SOCIETY.
CAPITAL, FIVE HUNDRED MILLIONS,
IN ONE HUNDRED MILLION L5 SHARES--HALF DEPOSIT,
THE DIRECTORS
To be duly balloted for from amongst the Consulting Surgeons of the
various Metropolitan hospitals.
ACTING SECRETARIES,
The County Coroners.
By the constitution of this society, the whole of the profits will be
divided among such of the assured as can come to claim them.
The public are particularly requested to bear in mind the double advantage
(so great a _desideratum_ to all railroad travellers) of being at one and
the same time connected with a "Fire, Life, and Partial Mutilation
Assurance Company."
The following is offered as a brief synopsis of the general intention of
the directors. Deep attention is requested to the various classes:--
CLASS I.
Relating to Railroads newly opened, consequently rated trebly doubly
hazardous. The rate of insurance will be as follows:--
PER CENT.
Engineer, first six months, total life ....... 90
Legs, at per each ............................ 74
Arms, ditto ditto ............................ 60
Ribs, per pair, or dozen, as contracted for ... 55
Dislocations and contusions, per score ....... 50
N.B.--A reduction of seven-and-a-half per cent., made after the first six
months.
First class passengers will be allowed ten per cent. for the stuffing of
all carriages, except the one immediately next the engine, which will be
charged as above.
STOKERS.
Same as engineers, but a very liberal allowance made to such as the trains
have passed over more than once, and a considerable reduction if scalds
are not included.
_Exceptions_.--All who have five small children, and are only just
appointed.
SECOND CLASS PASSENGERS.
In consequence of these travellers being generally more thickly stowed
together, the upper half of them have a chance of escape while crushing
those underneath, so that a fair reduction, still leaving a living profit
to the directors, may be made in their favour. Thus the terms proposed for
effecting their policies will be ten-and-a-half per cent. under the first
class.
To meet the views of all parties, insurances may be effected from station
to station, or on particular limbs. The following are the rates, the
insurers paying down the premium at starting:--
L s. d.
First Class, leg ............................................ 1 11 6
Second ditto ditto .......................................... 1 7 9
First class, arm ............................................ 1 0 0
Second ditto ditto .......................................... 0 14 3
First Class, bridge of nose (very common with cuts from glass) 0 8 9
Second ditto ditto (common with contusions from wooden frames) 0 6 4
First Class, teeth each ..................................... 0 0 9
Whole set ................................................... 1 1 0
Second Class, ditto ......................................... 0 0 4-3/4
Whole set..................................................... 0 12 2
Necks, where the parties do not carry engraved cards with
name and address, First Class............................. 5 5 0
Second ditto.................................................. 3 3 4
In all cases where the above sums are received in advance, the Company
pledge themselves to allow a handsome discount for cuts, scratches,
contusions, &c., &c.
All sums insured for to be paid six months after the death or recovery of
the individual.
A contract may be entered into for wooden legs, glass eyes, strapping,
bandages, splints, and sticking-plaister.
Several enterprising young men as guards, stokers, engineers, experimental
tripists, and surgeons, wanted for immediate consumption.
Apply for qualifications and appointments, to the Branch Office, at the
New Highgate Cemetery.
* * * * *
NOTHING NEW.
The Tories are, truly, _Conservative_ elves,
For every one knows they take care of themselves.
* * * * *
SCHOOL OF DESIGN.
The public will be delighted to learn, there can be no doubt, as to the
elegant acquirements of the various _attaches_ of the new Tory premier.
The peculiar avidity with which they one and all appear determined to
secure the salaries for their various suppositionary services, must
convince the most sceptical that they have carefully studied the art of
drawing.
* * * * *
THE LABOURS OF THE SESSION.
None but Ministers know what Ministers go through for the pure love of
their country; no person who has not reposed in the luxuriously-cushioned
chairs of the Treasury or Downing-street can conceive the amount of
business Sir Robert and his colleagues have transacted during the three
months they have been in office. The people, we know, have been crying for
bread--the manufacturers are starving--but their rebellious appetites will
be appeased--their refractory stomachs will feel comforted, when they are
told all that their friends the Tories have been doing for them. How will
they blush for their ingratitude when they find that the following great
measures have been triumphantly carried through Parliament by Sir Robert's
exertions--The VENTILATING OF THE HOUSE BILL! Think of that, ye
thin-gutted weavers of Manchester. Drop down on your marrow-bones, and
bless the man who gives your representatives fresh air--though he denies
you--a mouthful of coarse food. Then look at his next immense boon--The
ROYAL KITCHEN-GARDEN BILL! What matters it that the gaunt fiend Famine
sits at your board, when you can console yourselves with the reflection
that cucumbers and asparagus will be abundant in the Royal Kitchen Garden!
But Sir Robert does not stop here. What follows next?--The FOREIGN
BISHOPS' BILL! See how our spiritual wants are cared for by your
tender-hearted Tories--they shudder at the thoughts of Englishmen being
fed on foreign corn; but they give them instead, a full supply of Foreign
Bishops. After that comes--The REPORT OF THE LUNATICS' BILL. This
important document has been founded on the proceedings in the Upper House,
and is likely to be of vast service to the nation at large. Next follows
the EXPIRING LAWS' BILL! We imagine that a slight error has been made in
the title of this bill, and that it should be read "Expiring _Justice_
Bill!" As to expiring laws--'tis all a fallacy. One of the glorious
privileges of the English Constitution is, that the laws never
expire--neither do the lawyers--they are everlasting. Justice may die in
this happy land, but law--never!
Again, there is a little grant of some thousands for Prince Albert's
stables and dog-kennels! Very proper too; these animals must be lodged,
ay, and fed; and the people--the creatures whom God made after his own
image--the poor wretches who want nothing but a little bread, will lie
down hungry and thankful, when they reflect that the royal dogs and horses
are in the best possible condition. But we have not yet mentioned the
great crowning work of Ministers--the Queen's speech on the Prorogation of
the Parliament last week. What an admirable illustration it was of that
profound logical deduction--that, out of nothing comes nothing! Yet it was
deduction--that, out of nothing comes nothing! Yet it was not altogether
without design, and though some sneering critics have called the old
song--the burthen of it was clearly--
[Illustration: DOWN WITH YOUR DUST.]
* * * * *
SO MUCH FOR BUCKINGHAM!
MR. SILK BUCKINGHAM being unmercifully reproached by his unhappy publisher
upon the dreadful weight of his recent work on America, fortunately espied
the youngest son of the enraged and disappointed vendor of volumes
actually flying a kite formed of a portion of the first volume. "Heavy,"
retorted Silk, "nonsense, sir. Look there! so volatile and exciting is
that masterly production, that it has even made that youthful scion of an
obdurate line, spite my teetotal feelings,