Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, November 13, 1841 by Various
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Various >> Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, November 13, 1841
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
VOL. 1.
FOR THE WEEK ENDING NOVEMBER 13, 1841.
* * * * *
THE BIRTH OF THE PRINCE OF WALES.
(_By the Observer's own Correspondent._)
It will be seen that we were not premature in announcing the probability
of the birth of a Prince of Wales; and though it was impossible that any
one should be able to speak with certainty, our positive tone upon the
occasion serves to show the exclusive nature of all our intelligence. We
are enabled now to state that the Prince will immediately take, indeed he
has already taken, the title of _Prince of Wales_, which it is generally
understood he will enjoy--at least if a child so young can be said to
enjoy anything of the kind--until an event shall happen which we hope will
be postponed for a very protracted period. The Prince of Wales, should he
survive his mother, will ascend the throne; but whether he will be George
the Fifth, Albert the First, Henry the Ninth, Charles the Third, or
Anything the Nothingth, depends upon circumstances we are not at liberty
to allude to--_at present_; nor do we think we shall be enabled to do so
in a second edition.
Our suggestion last week, that the royal birth should take place on Lord
Mayor's Day, has, we are happy to see, been partially attended to; but we
regret that the whole hog has not been gone, by twins having been
presented to the anxious nation, so that there might have been a baronetcy
each for the outgoing and incoming Lord Mayors of Dublin and London.
Perhaps, however, it might have been attended with difficulty to follow
our advice to the very letter; but we nevertheless think it might have
been arranged; though if others think otherwise, we, of course, have
nothing further to say upon the matter alluded to.
We very much regret to make an announcement, and are glad at being the
first to do so, though we are sorry to advert to the subject, touching an
alarming symptom in the Princess Royal. Her Royal Highness, ever since the
birth of the Prince, whom we think we may now venture to call her brother,
has suffered from an affection of the nose, which is said to be quite out
of joint since the royal stranger (for we hope we may take the liberty of
alluding to the Prince of Wales as a stranger, for he is a stranger to us,
at least we have never seen him) came into existence.
We hear it on good authority that when the Princess was taken to see her
brother, Her Royal Highness, who begins to articulate a few sounds,
exclaimed, "_Tar_!" with unusual emphasis. It is supposed, from this
simple but affecting circumstance, that the Prince of Wales will
eventually become _a Tar_, and perhaps regain for his country the
undisputed dominion of the seas, which, by-the-bye, has not been
questioned, and probably will not be, in which case the naval attributes
of His Royal Highness will not be brought into activity.
* * * * *
FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.
Master Smith took an airing on the 5th, accompanied by a Guy Fawkes and a
very numerous _suite_. In the evening there was a select circle, and a
bonfire.
Mr. Baron Nathan and family are still at Kennington. The Baron danced the
college hornpipe, last Wednesday, on one leg, before a party of private
friends; and the Honourable Miss Nathan went through the Cracovienne,
amidst twenty-four coffee-cups and an inverted pitcher, surmounted by a
very long champagne-glass. Upon inspecting the cups after the graceful
performance was concluded, there was not a chip upon one of them. The
champagne glass, though it frequently rattled in its perilous position,
retained it through the whole of the dance, and was carefully picked up at
its conclusion by the Baroness, who we were happy to find looking in more
than her usual health, and enjoying her accustomed spirits.
Bill Bunks has a new feline provisional equipage ready to launch. The body
is a dark black, and the wheels are of the same rich colour, slightly
picked out here and there with a chalk stripe. The effect altogether is
very light and pretty, particularly as the skewers to be used are all new,
and the board upon which the _ha'porths_ are cut has been recently planed
with much nicety.
The travelling menagerie at the foot of Waterloo-bridge was visited
yesterday by several loungers. Amongst the noses poked through the wires
of the cage, we remarked several belonging to children of the mobility.
The spirited proprietor has added another mouse to his collection, which
may now be pronounced the first--speaking, of course, Surreysideically--in
(entering) London.
* * * * *
SONGS FOR CATARRHS.
"The variable climate of our native land," as Rowland the Minstrel of
Macassar has elegantly expressed it, like a Roman epicure, deprives our
nightingales of their tongues, and the melodious denizens of our
drawing-rooms of their "sweet voices."
Vainly has Crevelli raised a bulwark of lozenges against the Demon of
Catarrh! Soreness will invade the throat, and noses run in every family,
seeming to be infected with a sentimental furor for blooming--we presume
from being so newly blown. We have seen noses chiseled, as it were, from
an alabaster block, grow in one short day scarlet as our own, as though
they blushed for the continual trouble they were giving their proprietors;
whilst the peculiar intonation produced by the conversion of the nasals
into liquids, and then of the liquids ultimately into mutes, leads to the
inference that there must be a stoppage about the bridge, and should be
placarded, like that of Westminster, "No thoroughfare."
It has been generally supposed that St. Cecilia with a cold in her head
would be incompetent to "Nix my Dolly;" and this erroneous and popular
prejudice is continually made the excuse for vocal inability during the
winter months. Now the effect which we have before described upon the
articulation of the catarrhed would be, in our opinion, so far from
displeasing, that we feel it would amply compensate for any imperfections
of tune. For instance, what can be finer than the alteration it would
produce in the well-known ballad of "Oh no, we never mention her!"--a
ballad which has almost become wearisome from its sweetness and
repetition. With a catarrh the words would run thus:--
"O lo, we lever beltiol her,
Her labe is lever heard."
Struck with this modification of sound, PUNCH, anxious to cater _even_ for
the catarrhs of his subscribers, begs to furnish them with a "_calzolet_,"
which he trusts will be of more service to harmonic meetings than pectoral
lozenges and paregoric, as we have anticipated the cold by converting
every _m_ into _b_, and every _n_ into _l_.
A SONG FOR A CATARRH.
_B_y _B_ary A_ll_e is like the su_l_,
Whe_l_ at the daw_l_ it fli_l_gs
Its golde_l_ s_b_iles of light upo_l_
Earth's gree_l_ and lo_l_ely thi_l_gs.
I_l_ vai_l_ I sue, I o_l_ly wi_l_
Fro_b_ her a scor_l_ful frow_l_;
But soo_l_ as I _b_y prayers begi_l_,
She cries O _l_o! bego_l_e.
Yes! yes! the burthe_l_ of her so_l_g
Is _l_o! _l_o! _l_o! bego_l_e!
_B_y _B_ary A_ll_e is like the moo_l_,
Whe_l_ first her silver shee_l_,
Awakes the _l_ighti_l_gale's soft tu_l_e,
That else had sile_l_t bee_l_.
But _B_ary A_ll_e, like darkest _l_ight,
O_l_ be, alas! looks dow_l_;
Her s_b_iles o_l_ others bea_b_ their light,
Her frow_l_s are all _b_y ow_l_.
I've but o_l_e burthe_l_ to _b_y so_l_g--
Her frow_l_s are all _b_y ow_l_.
* * * * *
"POSSUM UP A GUM TREE!"
A grand gladiatorial tongue-threshing took place lately in a field near
Paisley, between the two great Chartist champions--Feargus O'Connor and
the Rev. Mr. Brewster. The subject debated was, Whether is moral or
physical force the fitter instrument for obtaining the Charter? The Doctor
espoused the moral hocussing system, and Feargus took up the bludgeon for
physical force. After a pretty considerable deal of fireworks had been let
off on both sides, it was agreed to divide the field, when Feargus, waving
his hat, _ascended into a tree_, and called upon his friends to follow
him. But, alas! few answered to the summons,--he was left in a miserable
minority; and the Doctor, as the Yankees say, decidedly "put the critter
up a tree." Feargus, being a _Radical_, should have kept to the _root_
instead of venturing into the higher _branches_ of political economy. At
all events the Doctor, as the Yankees say, "put the critter up a tree,"
where we calculate he must have looked tarnation ugly. The position was
peculiarly ill-chosen--for when a fire-and-faggot orator begins to speak
_trees-on_, it is only natural that his hearers should all take their
_leaves_!
* * * * *
AN UNDIVIDED MOIETY.
The _Herald_ gives an account of two persons who were carried off suddenly
at Lancaster by a paralytic attack _each_. We should have been curious to
know the result if, instead of an attack _each_, they had had _one between
them_.
* * * * *
THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.
CHAPTER IX.
SHOWS THAT DOCTORS DIFFER.
[Illustration: H]Having christened his child, Agamemnon felt it to be his
bounden duty to have him vaccinated; but his wife's mother, with a
perversity strongly characteristic of the _genus_, strenuously opposed Dr.
Jenner's plan of repealing the small pox[1], and insisted upon having him
inoculated. Poor Mrs. Applebite was sorely perplexed between her habitual
reverence for the opinions of her mama and the dread which she naturally
felt of converting the face of the infant heir into a plum-pudding.
Agamemnon had evidently determined to be positive upon this point, and all
that could be extracted from him was the one word--vaccination!
[1] Baylis.
To which Mrs. Waddledot replied,
"Vaccination, indeed!--as though the child were a calf! I'm sure and
certain that the extreme dulness of young people of the present day is
entirely owing to vaccination--it imbues them with a very stupid portion
of the animal economy."
As Agamemnon could not understand her, he again ejaculated--"Vaccination!"
"But, my dear," rejoined Mrs. Applebite, "Mama has had so much experience
that her opinion is worth listening to; I know that you give the
preference to--"
"Vaccination!" interrupted Collumpsion.
"And so do I; but we have heard of grown-up people--who had always
considered themselves secure--taking the small pox, dear."
"To be sure we have," chimed in Mrs. Waddledot; "and it's a very dreadful
thing, after indulgent and tender parents have been at the expense of
nursing, clothing, physicking, teaching music, dancing, Italian, French,
geography, drawing, and the use of the globes, to a child, to have it
carried off because a misguided fondness has insisted upon--"
"Vaccination!" shouted _pater_ Collumpsion.
"Exactly!" continued the "wife's mother." "Now inoculate at once, say I,
before the child's short-coated."
Agamemnon rose from his seat, and advancing deliberately and solemnly to
the table at which his wife and his wife's mother were seated, he slowly
raised his dexter arm above his head, and then, having converted his hand
into a fist, he dashed his contracted digitals upon the rosewood as though
he dared not trust himself with more than one word, and that one
was--"Vaccination!"
Mrs. Waddledot's first impulse was to jump out of her turban, in which she
would have succeeded had not the mystic rolls of gauze which constituted
that elaborate head-dress been securely attached to the chestnut "front"
with which she had sought for some years to cheat the world into a
forgetfulness of her nativity.
"I was warned of this! I was warned of this!" exclaimed the disarranged
woman, as soon as she obtained breath enough for utterance. "But I
wouldn't believe it. I was told that the member for Puddingbury had driven
one wife to her grave and the other to drinking.--I was told that it would
run in the family, and that Mr. _A.C._ Applebite would be no better than
Mr. I. Applebite!"
"Oh! Mama--you really wrong Aggy," exclaimed Theresa.
"It's lucky for you that you think so, my dear. If ever there was an
ill-used woman, you are that unhappy individual. Oh, that ever--I--should
live--to see a child of mine--have a child of hers vaccinated against her
wish!" and here Mrs. Waddledot (as it is emphatically styled) burst into
tears; not that we mean to imply that she was converted into an explosive
_jet d'eau_, but we mean that she--she--what shall we say?--she blubbered.
It is really surprising how very sympathetic women are on all occasions of
weeping, scolding, and scandalising; and accordingly Mrs. Applebite
"opened the fountains of her eyes," and roared in concert with her mama.
Agamemnon felt that he was an injured man--injured in the tenderest
point--his character for connubial kindness; and he secretly did what many
husbands have done openly--he consigned Mrs. Waddledot to the gentleman
who is always represented as very black, because where he resides there is
no water to wash with.
At this agonising moment Uncle Peter made his appearance; and as actors
always play best to a good audience, the weeping ladies continued their
lachrymose performance with renewed vigour. Uncle Peter was a plain
man--plain in every meaning of the word; that is to say, he was very ugly
and very simple; and when we tell you that his face resembled nothing but
a half-toasted muffin, you can picture to yourself what it must have
looked like under the influence of surprise; but nevertheless, both
Agamemnon and the ladies simultaneously determined to make him the
arbitrator in this very important matter.
"Uncle Peter," said Agamemnon.
"Brother Peter," sobbed Mrs. Waddledot.
"Which are you an advocate for?" hystericised Mrs. Applebite.
"Vaccination or inoculation?" exclaimed everybody _ensemble_.
Now whether Uncle John did clearly understand the drift of the question
put to him, or whether he conceived that he was solicited to be the
subject of some benevolent experiments for the advantage of future
generations, it is certain that no man ever looked more positively
[Illustration: ON THE HORN OF A DILEMMA]
than Uncle Peter. At length the true state of the case was made apparent
to him; and the conclusion that he arrived at reflects the greatest
possible credit upon his judgment. He decided, that as the child was a
divided property, for the sake of peace and quietness, the heir of
Applebite should be vaccinated in one arm and inoculated in the other.
* * * * *
FALSE ALARM.
We were paralysed the other day at seeing a paragraph headed "Sibthorpe's
conversion." Our nose grew pale with terror; our hump heaved with
agitation. We thought there existed a greater genius than ourselves and
that some one had discovered that Sibthorp could be converted into
anything but a Member for Lincoln, and buffoon-in-waiting to the House of
Commons. We found, however, that it alluded to a Reverend, and not to OUR
Colonel. Really the newspaper people should be more careful. Such
startling announcements are little better than
[Illustration: SHEE(A)R CRUELTY.]
* * * * *
DOING THE STATE SOME SERVICE.
During the conflagration of the Tower, it was apprehended at one time that
the portion of it called the White Tower would have shared the fate of the
grand store-house,--this was however prevented by hanging _wet blankets_
around it, in which capacity Peter Borthwick, Mr. Plumtre, Col. Percival,
and Lord Castlereagh, kindly offered their personal services and were
found admirably adapted for the purpose.
* * * * *
THE GENTLEMAN'S OWN BOOK.
We will now proceed to the consideration of that indispensable adjunct to
a real gentleman--his purse. This little talisman, though of so much real
importance, is very limited in the materials of its formation, being
confined exclusively to silk. It should generally be of net work, very
sparingly powdered with small beads, and of the most delicate colours,
such conveying the idea that the fairy fingers of some beauteous friend
had wove the tiny treasury. We have seen some of party colours, intended
thereby to distinguish the separate depository of the gold and silver coin
with which it is (presumed) to be stored. This arrangement we repudiate;
for a true gentleman should always appear indifferent to the value of
money, and affect at least an equal contempt for a sovereign as a
shilling. We prefer having the meshes of the purse rather large than
otherwise, as whenever it is necessary--mind, we say necessary--to exhibit
it, the glittering contents shining through the interstices are never an
unpleasing object of contemplation.
The purse should be used at the card-table; but never produced unless you
are called upon as a loser to _pay_. It may then be resorted to with an
air of _nonchalance;_ and when the demand upon it has been honoured, it
should be thrown carelessly upon the table, as though to indicate your
_almost_ anxiety to make a further sacrifice of its contents. Should you,
however, be a winner, any exhibition of the purse might be construed into
an unseemly desire of "welling," or securing your gains, which of course
must always be a matter of perfect indifference to you; and whatever
advantages you obtain from chance or skill should be made obvious to every
one are only destined to enrich your valet, or be beneficially expended in
the refreshment of cabmen and ladies of faded virtue. In order to convey
these intentions more conspicuously, should the result of an evening be in
your favour, your winnings should be consigned to your waistcoat pocket;
and if you have any particular desire to heighten the effect, a piece of
moderate value may be left on the table.
[Illustration: A GENTLEMAN TAKING A FIRST FLOOR]
cannot do better than find an excuse for a recurrence to his purse; and
then the partial exhibition of the coin alluded to above will be found to
be productive of a feeling most decidedly confirmatory in the mind of the
landlady that you are a true gentleman.
The same cause will produce the same effect with a tradesman whose
album--we beg pardon, whose ledger--you intend honouring with your name.
You should never display your purse to a poor friend or dependant, or the
sight of it might not only stimulate their cupidity, or raise their
expectations to an inordinate height, but prevent you from escaping with a
moderate _douceur_ by "the kind manner in which you slipped a sovereign
into their hand at parting."
A servant should never be rewarded from a purse; it makes the fellows
discontented; for if they see gold, they are never satisfied with a
shilling and "I must see what can be done for you, James."
Should you be fortunate enough to break a policeman's head, or drive over
an old woman, you will find that your purse will not only add to the
_eclat_ of the transaction, but most materially assist the magistrate
before whom you may be taken in determining that the case is very
trifling, and that a fine of 5s. will amply excuse you from the effects of
that polite epidemic known _vulgo_ as drunkenness. There cannot be a
greater proof of the advantages of a purse than the preceding instance,
for we have known numerous cases in which the symptoms have been precisely
the same, but the treatment diametrically opposite, owing to the absence
of that incontrovertible evidence to character--the purse.
None but a _parvenu_ would carry his money loose; and we know of nothing
more certain to ensure an early delivery of your small account than being
detected by a creditor in the act of hunting a sovereign into the corner
of your pocket.
We have known tailors, bootmakers, hatters, hosiers,
livery-stable-keepers, &c., grow remarkably noisy when refused assistance
to meet heavy payments, which are continually coming due at most
inconvenient seasons; and when repeated denials have failed to silence
them, the _exhibition only_ of the purse has procured the desired
effect,--we presume, by inspiring the idea that you have the means to pay,
but are eccentric in your views of credit--thus producing with the most
importunate dun
[Illustration: A BRILLIANT TERMINATION.]
* * * * *
TREMENDOUS FAILURE.
The Editors present their compliments to their innumerable subscribers,
and beg to say that, being particularly hard up for a joke, they trust
that they will accept of the following as an evidence of
[Illustration: GETTING UNDER WHEY.]
* * * * *
A THOROUGH DRAUGHT.
The extreme proficiency displayed by certain parties in drawing spurious
exchequer-bills has induced them to issue proposals for setting up an
opposition exchequer office, where bills may be drawn on the shortest
notice. As this establishment is to be cunningly united to the Art-Union
in Somerset-House, the whole art of forgery may be there learned in six
lessons. The manufacture of exchequer-bills will be carried on in every
department, from printing the forms to imitating the signatures; in short,
the whole art of
[Illustration: DRAWING TAUGHT.]
* * * * *
THE O'CONNELL PAPERS.
OUR EXTRAORDINARY AND EXCLUSIVE CORRESPONDENCE.
We have been favoured by the transmission of the following singular
correspondence by the new Mayor of Dublin's private secretary. We hasten
to lay the interesting documents before our readers, though we must
decline incurring the extreme responsibility of advising which offer it
would be most advantageous for Mr. O'Connell to accept.
LETTER I.
SIR,--I am requested by the management of the Royal Surrey Theatre to
negotiate with you for a few nights' performance in a local drama, which
shall be written for the occasion, and in which you are requested to
represent the Civic dignitary in the identical robes which have become
immortalised by your wearing. Mr. Dibdin Pitt is of opinion that something
might be done with "Whittington and his Cat," merely transferring the
scene from London to Dublin; and, as he hears your county is highly
celebrated for the peculiar breed, sending to Ireland for one of the
esteemed "Kilkenny species," which would give a greater reality to the
_dramatis personae_ and feline adjunct. This is a mere suggestion, as any
other subject you may prefer--such as the Rebellion of '98, Donnybrook
Fair, the Interior of the Irish Mansion House, or the House of Commons,
can be rendered equally effective. I beg to call your attention to the
fact that you shall have a clear stage and every advantage, as Mr. N.T.
Hicks will be left out of the cast altogether, or else play a very small
dumb villain; so that you need not fear losing your oratorical reputation
by being out-shouted. Should you feel disposed to accept the terms, one
clear half the nightly receipt, pray forward an answer by return, that we
may get out a woodcut of the small-clothes, and underline the identical
stockings.
I have the honour to be,
Your obedient servant,
BEN. FAIRBROTHER.
_D. O'Connell, Esq._
_T.R.D.L._
SIR,--The intense interest created in the bosoms of mankind in general by
the graphic account of your splendid appearance and astounding performance
of the arduous character of the Lord Mayor of Dublin, induces Mr. W.C.
Macready to make you an offer of engagement for the performance of
Shakspere's heroic functionary in the forthcoming revival of Richard the
Third, which is about to be produced under his classic management at the
Theatre Royal Drury-lane, Mr. W.C. Macready offers to replace the breeches
if cracked in stooping; also, to guarantee a liberal allowance of
hair-powder to fall from the wig, and make the usual effective and
dignified huge point while the Mayor is bowing to the king. An early
answer will oblige your obedient servant,
T.J. SERLE.
P.S. Can you bring your own Aldermen, as we are anxious to do it with the
[Illustration: MAYOR (MARE) AND CORPORATION.]
P.P.S.--Think of the fame and the twelve-sheet posters, and be moderate.
_Theatre Royal, Adelphi._
DEAR DAN,--The Adelphi is open to you and your robes. Couldn't we do
something with a hero from Blarney, and let you be discovered licking the
stone, amid tableaux, blue fire, and myriads of nymph-like Kate Kearneys?
Or would you prefer an allegory, yourself a Merman, or the Genius of
Ireland, distributing real whiskey-and-water from the tank, which shall be
filled with grog for that purpose. Think it over.
Truly yours,
F. YATES.
_D. O'Connell, Esq. &c. &c. &c._
_Theatre Royal, Haymarket._
Mr. Webster presents his compliments to Daniel O'Connell, Esq., Mayor and
M.P., and begs to suggest, as the "Rent Day" was originally produced at
his theatre, it will be an excellent field for any further dramatic
attempt of Mr. D. O'C. A line from Mr. D. O'C. will induce Mr. B.W. to put
the drama in rehearsal.
"_D. O'Connell, Esq. &c. &c._"