Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, December 4, 1841 by Various
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Various >> Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, December 4, 1841
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
VOL. 1.
FOR THE WEEK ENDING DECEMBER 4, 1841.
* * * * *
OFFICIAL REPORT OF THE FIRE AT THE TOWER.
The document with this title, that has got into the newspapers, has been
dressed up for the public eye. We have obtained the original _draft_, and
beg to administer it to our readers _neat_, in the precise language it was
written in.
THE OFFICIAL REPORT.
MR. SNOOKS says, that it being his turn to be on watch on the night of
Saturday, October 30th, he went to his duty as usual, and having turned
into his box, slept until he was amazed by shouts and the rolling of
wheels in all directions. The upper door of his box being open, he looked
out of it, and his head struck violently against something hard, upon
which he attempted to open the lower door of his box, when he found he
could not. Thinking there was something wrong, he became very active in
raising an alarm, but could obtain no attention; and he has since found
that in the hurry of moving property from different parts of the building,
his box had been closely barricaded; and he, consequently, was compelled
to remain in it until the following morning. He says, however, that
everything was quite safe in the middle of the day when he took his
great-coat to his box, and trimmed his lantern ready for the evening.
MRS. SNOOKS, wife of the above witness, corroborates the account of her
husband, so far as trimming the lanthern in the daytime is concerned, and
also as to his being encased in his box until the morning. She had no
anxiety about him, because she had been distinctly told that the fire did
not break out until past ten, and her husband she knew was sure to be snug
in his box by that time.
JOHN JONES, a publican, says, at about nine o'clock on Saturday, the 30th
of October, he saw a light in the Tower, which flickered very much like a
candle, as if somebody was continually blowing one out and blowing it in
again. He observed this for about half an hour, when it began to look as
if several gas-lights were in the room and some one was turning the gas on
and off very rapidly. After this he went to bed, and was disturbed shortly
before midnight by hearing that the Tower was in flames.
SERGEANT FIPS, of the Scotch Fusileer (Qy. _Few sillier_) Guards, was at a
public-house on Tower-hill, when, happening to go to the door, he observed
a large quantity of thick smoke issuing from one of the windows of the
Tower. Knowing that Major Elrington, the deputy governor, was fond of a
cigar, he thought nothing of the circumstance of the smoke, and was
surprised in about half an hour to see flames issuing from the building.
GEORGE SNIVEL saw the fire bursting from the Tower on Saturday night, and
being greatly frightened he ran home to his mother as soon as possible.
His mother called him a fool, and said it was the gas-works.
THOMAS POPKINS rents a back attic at Rotherhithe; he had been peeling an
onion on the 30th of October, and went to the window for the purpose of
throwing out the external coat of the vegetable mentioned in the beginning
of his testimony, when he saw a large fire burning somewhere, with some
violence. Not thinking it could be the Tower, he went to bed after eating
the onion--which has been already twice alluded to in the course of his
evidence.
MR. SWIFT, of the Jewel-office, says, that he saw the Tower burning at the
distance of about three acres from where the jewels are kept, when his
first thought was to save the regalia. For this purpose he rushed to the
scene of the conflagration and desired everybody who would obey him, to
leave what they were about and follow him to that part of the Tower set
apart for the jewels. Several firemen were induced to quit the pumps, and
having prevailed on a large body of soldiers, he led them and a vast
miscellaneous mob to the apartments where the crown, &c., were deposited.
After a considerable quantity of squeezing, screaming, cursing, and
swearing, it was discovered that the key was missing, when the jewel-room
was carried by storm, and the jewels safely lodged in some other part of
the building. When witness returned to the fire, it was quite out, and the
armoury totally demolished.
The whole of the official report is in the same satisfactory strain, but
we do not feel ourselves justified in printing any more of it.
* * * * *
A CON-CERTED CON.
"When is the helm of a ship like a certain English composer?"--said the
double bass to the trombone in the orchestra of Covent Garden Theatre,
while resting themselves the other evening between the acts of Norma.--The
trombone wished he might be _blowed_ if he could tell.--"When it is
_A-lee_" quoth the bass--rosining his bow with extraordinary delight at
his own conceit.
* * * * *
RECONCILING A DIFFERENCE.
Two literary partisans were lately contending with considerable warmth,
for the superiority of Tait's or Blackwood's Magazine--till from words
they fell to blows, and decided the dispute by the _argumentum ad
hominem_.--Doctor Maginn, hearing of the circumstance, observed to a
friend, that however the pugnacious gentleman's opinions might differ with
respect to _Tait_ and _Blackwood_, it was evident they were content to
decide them by a _Frazer_ (_fray sir_).
* * * * *
OUR WEATHERCOCK.
The state of the weather, at all times an object of intense interest and
general conversation amongst Englishmen, has latterly engaged much of our
attention; and the observations which we have made on the extraordinary
changes which have taken place in the weathercock during the last week
warrant us in saying "there must be something in the wind." It has been
remarked that Mr. Macready's _Hamlet_ and Mr. Dubourg's chimneys have not
_drawn_ well of late. A smart breeze sprung up between Mr. and Mrs. Smith,
of Brixton, on last Monday afternoon, which increased during the night,
and ended in a perfect storm. Sir Peter Laurie on the same evening retired
to bed rather misty, and was exceedingly foggy all the following morning.
At the Lord Mayor's dinner the _glass_ was observed to rise and fall
several times in a most remarkable manner, and at last settled at "heavy
wet." A flock of gulls were seen hovering near Crockford's on Tuesday, and
on that morning the milkman who goes the Russell-square walk was observed
to blow the tips of his fingers at the areas of numerous houses.
Applications for food were made by some starving paupers to the Relieving
Officers of different workhouses, but the hearts of those worthy
individuals were found to be completely frozen. Notwithstanding the
severity of the weather, the nose of the beadle of St. Clement Danes has
been seen for nearly the last fortnight in full blossom. A heavy fall of
blankets took place on Wednesday, and the fleecy covering still lies on
several beds in and near the metropolis. Expecting frost to set in, Sir
Robert Peel has been busily employed on his _sliding scale_; in fact,
affairs are becoming very slippery in the Cabinet, and Sir James Graham is
already preparing to trim his sail to the next change of wind.
Watercresses, we understand, are likely to be scarce; there is a brisk
demand for "bosom friends" amongst unmarried ladies; and it is feared that
the intense cold which prevails at nights will drive some unprovided young
men into the _union_.
* * * * *
THE BANE AND ANTIDOTE.
We are requested to state that the insane person who lately attempted to
obtain an entrance into Buckingham Palace was not the Finsbury renegade,
Mr. Wakley. We are somewhat surprised that the rumour should have obtained
circulation, as the unfortunate man is described as being of respectable
appearance.
* * * * *
THE CORSAIR.
A POEM TO BE READ ON RAILROADS.
The sky was dark--the sea was rough;
The Corsair's heart was brave and tough;
The wind was high--the waves were steep;
The moon was veil'd--the ocean deep;
The foam against the vessel dash'd:
The Corsair overboard was wash'd.
A rope in vain was thrown to save--
The brine is now the Corsair's grave!
As it is expected that the jogging and jerking, or the sudden passing
through tunnels, may in some degree interfere with the perusal of this
poem, we give it with the abbreviations, as it is likely to be read with
the drawbacks alluded to.
Wherever there is a dash--it is supposed there will be a jolt of the
vehicle.
CORSAIR-POEM.
--sky--dark--sea--rough;
--Corsair--brave--tough;
--wind--high--waves steep;
--moon--veil'd--oce--deep;
--foam--gainst--vess--dash'd;
--Corsair--board--wash'd.
--rope--vain--to save,
--brine--Cors--grave.
* * * * *
"STUPID AS A 'POST.'"
The _Morning Post_ has made another blunder. Lord Abinger, it seems, is
too Conservative to resign. After all the editorial boasting about
"exclusive information," "official intelligence," &c. it is very evident
that the "_Morning Twaddler_" must not be looked upon as a direction
_post_.
* * * * *
We learn that a drama of startling interest, founded upon a recent event
of singular horror, is in active preparation at the Victoria Theatre. It
is to be entitled "_Cavanagh the Culprit; or, the Irish Saveloyard_." The
interest of the drama will be immensely strengthened by the introduction
of the genuine knife with which the fatal ham was cut. Real saveloys will
also be eaten by the Fasting Phenomenon before the audience.
* * * * *
"Never saw such _stirring_ times," as the spoon said to the saucepan.
* * * * *
THE "PUFF PAPERS."
[Illustration]
CHAPTER I.
Having expressed the great gratification I should enjoy at being permitted
to become a member of so agreeable a society, I was formally presented by
the chairman with a capacious meerschaum, richly mounted in silver, and
dark with honoured age, filled with choice tobacco, which he informed me
was the initiatory pipe to be smoked by every neophyte on his admission
amongst the "Puffs." I shall not attempt to describe with what profound
respect I received that venerable tube into my hands--how gently I applied
the blazing match to its fragrant contents--how affectionately I placed
the amber mouth-piece between my lips, and propelled the thick wreaths of
smoke in circling eddies to the ceiling:--to dilate upon all this might
savour of an egotistical desire to exalt my own merits--a species of
_puffing_ I mortally abhor. Suffice it to say, that when I had smoked the
pipe of peace, I was heartily congratulated by the chairman and the
company generally upon the manner in which I had acquitted myself, and I
was declared without a dissentient voice a duly-elected member of the
"Puffs."
The business of the night, which my entrance had interrupted, was now
resumed; and the chairman, whom I shall call Arden, striking his hammer
upon a small mahogany box which was placed before him on the table,
requested silence. Before I permit him to speak, I must give my readers a
pen-and-ink sketch of his person. He was rather tall and erect in his
person--his head was finely formed--and he had a quick grey eye, which
would have given an unpleasant sharpness to his features, had it not been
softened by the benevolent smile which played around his mouth. In his
attire he was somewhat formal, and he affected an antiquated style in the
fashion of his dress. When he spoke, his words fell with measured
precision from his lips; but the mellow tone of his voice, and a certain
courteous _empressement_ in his manner, at once interested me in his
favour; and I set him down in my mind as a gentleman of the old English
school. How far I was right in my conjecture my readers will hereafter
have an opportunity of determining.
"Our new member," said the chairman, turning towards me, "should now be
informed that we have amongst us some individuals who possess a taste for
literary pursuits."
"A very small taste," whispered a droll-looking 'Puff,' with a
particularly florid nose, who was sitting on my right hand, and who
appeared to be watching all the evening for opportunities of letting off
his jokes, which were always applauded longest and loudest by himself. My
comical neighbour's name, I afterwards learned, was Bayles; he was the
licensed jester of the club; he had been a punster from his youth; and it
was his chief boast that he had joked himself into the best society and
out of the largest fortune of any individual in the three kingdoms.
This incorrigible wag having broken the thread of the chairman's speech, I
shall only add the substance of it. It was, that the literary members of
the "Puffs" had agreed to contribute from time to time articles in prose
and verse; tales, legends, and sketches of life and manners--all which
contributions were deposited in the mahogany box on the table; and from
this literary fund a paper was extracted by the chairman on one of the
nights of meeting in each week, and read by him aloud to the club.
These manuscripts, I need scarcely say, will form the series of THE PUFF
PAPERS, which, for the special information of the thousands of the fair
sex who will peruse them, are like the best black teas, strongly
recommended for their fine _curling leaf_.
The first paper drawn by the chairman was an Irish Tale; which, after a
humorous protest by Mr. Bayles against the introduction of foreign
extremities, was ordered to be read.
The candles being snuffed, and the chairman's spectacles adjusted to the
proper focus, he commenced as follows:--
THE GIANT'S STAIRS.
A LEGEND OF THE SOUTH OF IRELAND.
"Don't be for quitting us so airly, Felix, _ma bouchal_, it's a taring
night without, and you're better sitting there opposite that fire than
facing this unmarciful storm," said Tim Carthy, drawing his stool closer
to the turf-piled hearth, and addressing himself to a young man who
occupied a seat in the chimney nook, whose quick bright eye and somewhat
humorous curl of the corner of the mouth indicated his character pretty
accurately, and left no doubt that he was one of those who would laugh
their laugh out, if the _ould boy_ stood at the door. The reply to Tim's
proposal was a jerk of Felix's great-coat on his left shoulder, and a sly
glance at the earthen mug which he held, as he gradually bent it from its
upright position, until it was evident that the process of absorption had
been rapidly acting on its contents. Tim, who understood the freemasonry
of the manoeuvre, removed all the latent scruples of Felix by
adding--"There's more of that stuff--where you know; and by the crook of
St. Patrick we'll have another drop of it to comfort us this blessed
night. Whisht! do you hear how the wind comes sweeping over the hills? God
help the poor souls at say!"
"Wissha amen!" replied Tim's wife, dropping her knitting, and devoutly
making the sign of the cross upon her forehead.
A silence of a few moments ensued; during which, each person present
offered up a secret prayer for the safety of those who might at that
moment be exposed to the fury of the warring elements.
I should here inform my readers that the cottage of Tim Carthy was
situated in the deep valley which runs inland from the strand at
Monkstown, a pretty little bathing village, that forms an interesting
object on the banks of the romantic Lee, near the "beautiful city" of
Cork.
"I never heard such a jearful storm since the night Mahoon, the ould
giant, who lives in the cave under the _Giants Stairs_, sunk the three
West Ingee-men that lay at anchor near the rocks," observed Mrs. Carthy.
"It's Felix can tell us, if he plazes, a quare story about that same
Mahoon," added Tim, addressing himself to the young man.
"You're right there, anyhow, Tim," replied Felix; "and as my pipe is just
out, I'll give you the whole truth of the story as if I was after kissing
the book upon it.
"You must know, then, it was one fine morning near Midsummer, about five
years ago, that I got up very airly to go down to the beach and launch my
boat, for I meant to try my luck at fishing for conger eels under the
Giant's Stairs. I wasn't long pulling to the spot, and I soon had my lines
baited and thrown out; but not so much as a bite did I get to keep up my
spirits all that blessed morning, till I was fairly kilt with fatigue and
disappointment. Well, I was thinking of returning home again, when all at
once I felt something mortial heavy upon one of my lines. At first I
thought it was a big conger, but then I knew that no fish would hang so
dead upon my hand, so I hauled in with fear and thrembling, for I was
afeard every minnit my line or my hook would break, and at last I got my
prize to the top of the water, and then safe upon the gunnel of the
boat;--and what do you think it was?"
"In troth, Felix, sorra one of us knows."
"Well, then, it was nothing else but a little dirty black oak box, hooped
round with iron, and covered with say-weed and barnacles, as if it had
lain a long time in the water. 'Oh, ho!' says myself, 'it's in rale good
luck I am this beautiful morning. Phew! as sure as turf, 'tis full of
goold, or silver, or dollars, the box is.' For, by dad, it was so heavy
intirely I could scarcely move it, and it sunk my little boat a'most to
the water's edge; so I pulled back for bare life to the shore, and ran the
boat into a lonesome little creek in the rocks. There I managed somehow to
heave out the little box upon dry land, and, finding a handy lump of a
stone, I wasn't long smashing the iron fastenings, and lifting up the lid.
I looked in, and saw a weeshy ould weasened fellow sitting in it, with his
legs gothered up under him like a tailor. He was dressed in a green coat,
all covered with goold lace, a red scarlet waistcoat down to his hips, and
a little three-cornered cocked hat upon the top of his head, with a cock's
feather sticking out of it as smart as you plase.
"'Good morrow to you, Felix Donovan,' says the small chap, taking off his
hat to me, as polite as a dancing-masther.
"'Musha! then the tip top of the morning to you,' says I, 'it's ashamed of
yourself you ought to be, for putting me to such a dale of throuble.'
"'Don't mention it, Felix,' says he, 'I'll be proud to do as much for you
another time. But why don't you open the box, and let me out? 'tis many a
long day I have been shut up here in this could dark place.' All the time
I was only holding the lid partly open.
"'Thank you kindly, my tight fellow,' says myself, quite 'cute; 'maybe you
think I don't know you, but plase God you'll not stir a peg out of where
you are until you pay me for my throuble.'
"'Millia murdher!' says the little chap. 'What could a poor crather like
me have in the world? Haven't I been shut up here without bite or sup?'
and then he began howling and bating his head agin the side of the box,
and making most pitiful moans. But I wasn't to be deceived by his thricks,
so I put down the lid of the box and began to hammer away at it, when he
roared out,--
"'Tare an' agers! Felix Donovan, sure you won't be so cruel as to shut me
up again? Open the box, man, till I spake to you.'
"'Well, what do you want now'!' savs I, lifting up the lid the laste taste
in life.
"'I'll tell you what, Felix, I'll give you twenty goolden guineas if
you'll let me out.'
"'Soft was your horn, my little fellow; your offer don't shoot.'
"'I'll give you fifty.
"'No.'
"'A hundred.'
"'T won't do. If you were to offer me all the money in the Cork bank I
wouldn't take it.'
"'What the diaoul will you take then?' says the little ould chap,
reddening like a turkey-cock in the gills with anger.
"'I'll tell you,' says I, making answer; 'I'll take the three best gifts
that you can bestow.'"
(_To be continued._)
* * * * *
Why is a butcher like a language master?--Because he is a _retailer of
tongues_.
* * * * *
THE KNATCHBULL TESTIMONIAL.
A meeting, unequalled in numbers and respectability, was held during the
past week at the sign of "_The Conservative Cauliflower_," Duck-lane,
Westminster, for the purpose of presenting an address, and anything else,
that the meeting might decide upon, to Sir Edward Knatchbull, for his
patriotic opposition to 'pikes.
Mr. ADAM BELL, the well-known literary dustman, was unanimously called to
the Chair. The learned gentleman immediately responded to the call, and
having gracefully removed his fan tail with one hand and his pipe with the
other, bowed to the assembled multitude, and deposited himself in the seat
of honour. As there was no hammer in the room, the inventive genius of the
learned chairman, suggested the substitution of his bell, and having
agitated its clapper three times, and shouted "_Orger_" with stentorian
emphasis, he proceeded to address the meeting:--
"Wedgetable wendors and purweyors of promiscus poulte-ry, it isn't often
that a cheer is taken in this room for no other than harmonic meetings or
club-nights, and it is, therefore, with oncommon pride that I feels myself
in my present proud persition. (_Werry good! and Hear, hear!_) You are all
pretty well aware of my familiar acquaintance with the nobs of this here
great nation. (_We is! and cheers._) For some years I've had the honour to
collect for Mr. Dark, night and day, I may say; and in my mind the werry
best standard of a real gentleman is his dust-hole. (_Hear, hear! and He's
vide avake!_) You're hailed," continued the eloquent Adam, "you're hailed
by a sarvant in a dimity jacket; you pulls up alongside of the curb; you
collars your basket, and with your shovel in your mawley, makes a cast
into the hairy; one glance at the dust conwinces you vether you're to have
sixpence or a swig of lamen-table beer. (_It does! and cheers._) A man as
sifteses his dust is a disgrace to humanity! (_Immense cheering, which was
rendered more exhilarating by the introduction of Dirk's dangle-dangles,
otherwise bells._) But you'll say, Vot is this here to do with Sir Eddard?
I'll tell you. It has been my werry great happiness to clear out Sir
Eddard, and werry well I was paid for doing it. The Tories knows what
_jobs_ is, and pays according-_ly_. (_Here the Meeting gave the
Conservative Costermonger fire._) The 'pinion I then formed of Sir Eddard
has jist been werrified, for hasn't he comed forrard to oppose them
rascally taxes on commercial industry and Fairlop-fair--on enterprising
higgling and 'twelve in a tax-cart?' need I say I alludes to them blessed
'pikes? (_Long and continued cheers._) Sir Eddard is fully aware that the
'pike-men didn't make the dirt that makes the road, and werry justly
refuses to fork out tuppence-ha'penny! It's werry true Sir Eddard says
that the t'other taxes must be paid, as what's to pay the ministers? But
it's highly unreasonable that 'pike-men is to be put alongside of Prime
Ministers, wedgetable wendors, and purveyors of promiscus polte-ry! Had
that great man succeeded in bilking the toll, what a thing it would ha'
been for us! Gatter is but 3d. a pot, and that's the price of a reasonable
'pike-ticket. That wenerable and wenerated liquor as bears the cognominum
of 'Old Tom' is come-atable for the walley of them werry browns. But Sir
Eddard has failed in his bould endeavour--the 'pikes has it! (_Shame!_)
It's for us to reward him. I therefore proposes that a collection of
turnpike tickets is made, and then elegantly mounted, framed and
glaziered, and presented to the Right Honourable Barrownight." (_Immense
applause._)
Mr. ALEC BILL JONES, the celebrated early-tater and spring-ingen dealer,
seconded the proposition, at the same time suggesting that "Old
'pike-tickets would do as well as new 'uns; and everybody know'd that
second-hand tumpike-tickets warn't werry waluable, so the thing could be
done handsome and reasonable."
A collection was immediately commenced in the room, and in a few minutes
the subscription included the whole of the Metropolitan trusts, together
with three Waterloo-bridge tickets, which the donor stated "could ony be
'ad for axing for."
A deputation was then formed for the purpose of presenting this unique
testimonial when completed to Sir Edward Knatchbull.
It is rumoured that the lessees of the gates in the neighbourhood of the
Metropolis are trying to get up a counter meeting. We have written to Mr.
Levy on the subject.
* * * * *
MUSICAL NEWS (NOOSE).
We perceive from a foreign paper that a criminal who has been imprisoned
for a considerable period at Presburg has acquired a complete mastery over
the violin. It has been announced that he will shortly make an appearance
in public. Doubtless, his performance will be _a solo on one string_.
* * * * *
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT.
10.--THE TERMINATION OF THE HALL EXAMINATION.