Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, May 9, 1917 by Various
V >>
Various >> Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, May 9, 1917
Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
file which includes the original illustrations.
See 15330-h.htm or 15330-h.zip:
(http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/5/3/3/15330/15330-h/15330-h.htm)
or
(http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/5/3/3/15330/15330-h.zip)
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
VOL. 152
MAY 9, 1917
CHARIVARIA.
According to a Rome paper, HINDENBURG has requested that all the Royal
Princes shall be removed from the West Front. The original plan of
protecting Their Royal Highnesses by moving the Front further West has
been definitely abandoned.
***
The _Vossische Zeitung_ informs us that the late BISSING was a
"veritable angel of mercy." The KAISER is wondering who started this
scandal.
***
"We are back in the days," says Mr. PRETYMAN, "when the Mercantile
Marine and the Navy were one." If these are the official figures that
the Press has been clamouring for, the bread tickets will come none
too soon.
***
Highland sheep-raisers are said to be feeding their lambs by hand on
a mixture of hot milk and whisky. The little patients appear to
take kindly to the diet, and one or two have even been understood to
suggest that it seems rather a waste of milk.
***
The Imperial Government, we are informed, repudiates responsibility
for the attack by one of its airmen on the Dutch village of Zierikzee,
on the ground that, notwithstanding repeated warnings to abandon the
unneutral practice, the village persisted in looking like a portion of
the Isle of Wight.
***
Saluting is said to have been abolished in the Russian Army. Our own
military authorities, on the other hand, declare that it would be
unwise to abolish a practice in which the inventive genius of the
young soldier has so much scope.
***
Many Germans, says Mr. GERARD, have food concealed in their
wainscoting. But very few of them have any noticeable quantity behind
their dadoes.
***
To mark the disapproval of a tax on complimentary theatre tickets
several lifelong supporters of the British drama have already
requested leading managers to take their names off the free list.
***
We learn from the Press, among the things that matter, that for
two years a well-known Wye Valley angler has been trying to catch a
certain large trout and at last he has succeeded in securing it. We
understand that the trout died with a smile on his face.
***
We hope it is not due to the distraction of war, but America seems to
be losing her dash. At a baseball match in New York the other day only
three of the spectators were injured.
***
At the Shoreditch Tribunal a firm appealing for a man stated that he
was "a director, traveller, buyer, manager, acted as cashier and
costs clerk, loaded the vans, kept the place clean and made himself
generally useful." It is just as well that they added the last item,
or people might have thought he was one of those slackers we hear to
much about.
***
News comes from Athens that KING CONSTANTINE is realising his position
and contemplates abdication in favour of the CROWN PRINCE GEORGE.
It is not yet known in whose favour the CROWN PRINCE GEORGE will
abdicate.
***
Phenomenal prices were again paid at CHRISTIE'S last week for pearls.
It is thought that official action will have to be taken to combat the
belief, widely held in munition-making circles, that pearls dissolved
in champagne are beneficial to the complexion.
***
"When we go to the Front we become the worst criminals," writes
a German soldier taken prisoner at Trescault. We appreciate this
generous attempt to shield his superiors, but cling to our belief that
the worst criminals are still a good way behind the German lines.
***
M. TRIEU, the Public Executioner to the Emperor of AUSTRIA, has just
been married. The bride has promised to obey him.
***
It is thought probable that Mexico will very shortly decide to declare
peace on America.
***
Colonel W.F.N. NOEL, of Newent, claims that Gloucestershire cheese is
as good as any made in England. He omits, however, to state whether
these cheeses make good pets and are fond of children.
***
Paper-covered books are foreshadowed by the Publishers' Association,
and it is rumoured that in order to conserve the paper supply Mr.
CHARLES GARVICE has decided that in future he will not write more than
two novels per week.
***
We resent the suggestion that the public is not prepared to accept
"substitutes." Only the other day a man rushed into a London _cafe_,
asked if they had any prussic acid, and, when told that they never
kept it, remarked, "Very well. Bring me a pork pie."
***
Three hundred fishing-rods have been sent to the Mesopotamia Field
Force. No request was forwarded for flies.
***
Dealing with IBSEN'S _Ghosts_ at the Kingsway Theatre, the critic of a
halfpenny morning paper refers to it as a "medley of weird psychopathy
and symbolism." Just as if he were writing for a penny paper.
***
A woman at West London Police Court has been sentenced for
"masquerading as a man." Several conscientious objectors are now
getting very nervous on sighting a policeman.
***
Only egg-laying hens will be permitted to survive under the new
regulations of the Board of Agriculture. Villagers who in the past
have made a nice thing out of training hens to get run over by motor
cars will be hard hit.
***
Now that racing has been prohibited it is unlikely that the Slate Club
Secretaries' Sprinting Handicaps will be held this year.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "NO, DEAR, I'M AFRAID WE SHAN'T BE AT THE DANCE
TO-NIGHT. POOR HERBERT HAS GOT A TOUCH OF ALLOTMENT FEET."]
* * * * *
STOMACH FOR THE FIGHT.
O not because my taste for bread
Tended to make me much too stout,
And all the leading doctors said
I should be better far without;
Not that my health may be more rude,
More svelte my rounded style of beauty,
I sacrifice this staple food--
But from a sense of duty!
I "can no other" when I think
Of how the Hun, docile and meek,
Suffers his ravenous maw to shrink,
And only strikes, say, once a week;
If he for all these months has stood
The sorry fare they feed the brute on,
I hope that I can be as good
A patriot as your Teuton.
Henceforth I spurn the dear delight
That went so well with jam or cheese;
No turn of mine shall wear the white
Flour of a shameless life of ease;
Others may pass one loaf in three,
Some rather more than that, and some less,
But I--the only course for me--
Go absolutely crumbless.
So, when I quit this mortal strife,
Men on my grave these lines shall score:--
"Much as he loved the Staff of Life
He loved his country even more;
He needed no compelling ban;
England, in fact, had but to ask it,
And he surrendered, like a man,
The claims of his bread-basket."
O.S.
* * * * *
DIPLOMATIC NOTES.
The Latin-American situation remains obscure. According to advices
from Archangel, Paraguay intends to act, though curiously enough a
strange cloud of silence hangs over recent (and coming) events in
Ecuador. Bolivia has decided to construct a fleet, despite the fact
that the absence of a seaboard is being made a reason for sinister
opposition in pro-German circles. Patagonia has mobilised both her
soldiers, but her gun is still under repair.
Panagua has declared war on Germany. It is hard to over-estimate the
value of this new adhesion to the Allied cause. The standing army is
well over six hundred strong, and there is a small but modern fleet,
consisting of two revenue cutters, one super skiff, eight canoes
(mounted with two pairs of six-inch oars) and one raft (Benamuckee
class). The President, in a moving address to the Panaguan Senate,
declared, "The world is watching Panagua; it does not watch in vain."
Senora Hysterica, the first woman senator, cast the only vote against
war. "I cannot," she sobbed.
Things are moving in Mexico. General CARRANZA has summoned a
mass-meeting of ex-Presidents to consider the situation, and a
counter-demonstration by the Brigands' Trade Union Congress is feared.
Even as far north as Greenland the repercussion may be felt. Here,
owing to the new regime of blubber-cards, Eskimo opinion is in a
very nervous state. Indeed, according to an inspired semi-official
utterance by Prince Bowo, the Siamese Deputy Vice-Consul at Fez, it
is not too much to say that almost anything may, or may not, happen in
this Arctic quarter.
The outlook in Palestine is dark. Strict-silence is enforced in all
public places, and even whispering is forbidden at street corners.
More than two-thirds of the population are spies. Relatives are
only allowed to speak to each other if granted a special licence
or talking-ticket by the Sheikh-ul-Islam, though there is a special
dispensation for mothers-in-law. The reported mobilization of eighty
goats on Mount Tabor shows pretty clearly which way the wind is
blowing; whilst it is persistently rumoured in Joppa that five camels
were seen passing through Jerusalem yesterday. Suspicious dredging
operations in the Dead Sea are also reported by a Berne correspondent.
The future is big with presage.
All eyes are fixed on the two great African Powers which still stand
aside from the maelstroem of war. The position in Ethiopia is, to say
the least of it, tendentious, and at any moment the natives may change
their skin. The coronation of the new Empress of Abyssinia is being
followed as usual by the great Feast of the Blue Umbrella, at which
an important pronouncement is, I learn, to be made. I hear, moreover
(from a private source in Trondhjem, _via_ Mecca and Amsterdam), that
Wady-ul-Dzjinn, the new Premier, and a staunch pro-Ally, is expected
to speak with no uncertain voice. Unfortunately serious liquorice
riots have broken out in the capital, and these are being cunningly
used by German agents to turn popular discontent against the Allies.
Fraeulein von Schlimm, a niece by marriage of the acting Montenegrin
Envoy, is accused of purposely hoarding five hundred sticks of
"Spanish" so as to aggravate the crisis. The usually reliable
correspondent of _The Salt Lake City Morning Pioneer_ telegraphs
(_via_ Tomsk) that she only escaped lynching by distributing her
treasure to the mob.
In a similar way economic issues are determining the attitude
of Thibet. Prices in Lhassa are rising fabulously. The new Food
Controller is endeavouring to grapple with the situation, and the yak
ration has again been reduced. It behoves British diplomacy to see
that the ensuing discontent is not turned into Germanophil currents.
Where is our Foreign Office? What is being done? We are in the third
year of the War and yet, while the German Minister is distributing
free arrowroot to the populace, Whitehall slumbers on. It may be
nothing to our mandarins that a full platoon was added to the Thibetan
field-strength only last week, and that the Government dinghy is
already watertight.
_Later_. Paraguay's attitude is now defined as one of Stark
Neutrality. Patagonia has increased her army by fifty per cent. The
new recruit promises to make an excellent fighting unit.
* * * * *
IN A GOOD CAUSE.
Mr. Punch begs to call attention to a Great Lottery of Paintings,
Drawings, Sculptures, etc., by many of the chief British artists of
the day and of earlier schools, which is being organised, by licence
of the Board of Trade, in aid of the St. Dunstan's Hostels for Blinded
Soldiers and Sailors. These works of art (including many by Mr.
Punch's artists) will be exhibited at the Bazaar which is being held
this week at the Royal Albert Hall in aid of the same splendid cause.
After May 10th they may be seen at the Chenil Galleries. Tickets for
the Lottery (5s.) are to be obtained from Mr. Kineton Parkes, The
Chenil Galleries, 183A, King's Road, Chelsea, S.W. The drawing of the
Lottery Prizes will take place on July 10th at St. Dunstan's Hostel,
Regent's Park.
* * * * *
Mr. Punch also commends to his kind readers the claims of "Lamp Day,"
which is to be celebrated in London on Friday, May 11th, and in
the suburbs on May 12th, the birthday of FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE. The
proceeds are to be divided between the Women's Service Bureau, which
registers and trains women for national employment, and the Scottish
Women's Hospitals, whose London units are doing gallant work with the
Serbian division of the Russian Army in Roumania. Each of these is a
cause that would have appealed to the heart of the "Lady of the Lamp,"
devoted pioneer of Women's Service both at home and in the field.
Those who live outside the Metropolitan area are begged to send a
little money to the Hon. Treasurer of Lamp Day, Lady COWDRAY, 16,
Carlton House Terrace, S.W. Cheques and Postal Orders to be crossed
"London County and Westminster Bank, Victoria Branch."
* * * * *
[Illustration: DONNERWETTER.
HINDENBURG: "WHICHEVER COMES OUT, IT'S ROTTEN WEATHER FOR ME!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Lidy_ (_referring to Court Rival_). "I WON'T 'ARF GIVE
'ER SOMEFINK WHEN I SEE 'ER--LEARNIN' 'ER BLOOMIN' KIDS TO SWANK PAST
MY DOOR SUCKIN' _SUGAR_--LIKE BLINKIN' PLUTERCRATS."]
* * * * *
TOLD TO THE MARINES.
This is the yarn wot Sergeant Wells
O' 'Is Majesty's Marine
Told in the mess 'bout seven bells--
'E's the skipper's servant an' knows a lot;
An' I don't say it's true and I don't say it's not,
But it easily might 'ave been.
"'Twas in the fust few months o' the War,
An' the vessel wot I was on
Was layin' a couple of cables from shore;
I'd pulled to the steps in the scullin' boat
To get some thread for the skipper's coat
Where the seam of the arm 'ad gone.
"I was driftin' back on the fallin' tide,
And feeling a trifle queer,
When somethin' grated agin the side;
I sat up straight and I scratched my 'ead;
'There ain't no rocks round 'ere,' I said,
'It must 'ave bin all that beer.'
"When suddenly close on my starboard beam,
With scarcely a foot between
(I can see it now like an 'ijjus dream),
Rearin' its 'ead like a pisonous snake
Was a periscope, an' I saw the wake
Of a big 'Un submarine.
"An' I knew the ship wos an easy mark,
Like shootin' a sittin' 'en,
For the sky wos bright an' 'er 'ull wos dark
With the 'ole of 'er broadside showin' clear--
Couldn't 'ave missed, she was layin' so near,
If 'e 'd got 'er bearin's then.
"I saw 'is cruel little eye
A-swivellin' stem to starn;
'Now, Wells,' I ses, 'you must do or die,'
So I crammed my cap a-top o' the slit
And lashed it fast in place with a bit,
Wot I'd pinched, of the bo'sun's yarn.
"'E wos blinded, of course, an' 'e sank like a stone,
Which wos all that the blighter could do,
An' I 'urried to speak to the skipper alone;
I found 'im pacin' the quarter-deck,
An' I told 'im the truth in every respec'
The same as I'm tellin' you.
"Well, 'e looked me up an' 'e looked me down
Till I felt my cheeks go warm,
For I knowed there wos somethin' adrift by 'is frown;
Then 'e closed 'is jaw with a wicious snap;
'Where,' ses 'e, 'is your perishin' cap?
Do you call that uniform?.'
"An' so long as Brittanyer is queen of the sea,
Which is wot she 'as always bin,
You may do your dooty as well as me,
But you won't 'ave no credit at all for the same
Unless you give 'eed to the rules of the game,
Which is Service Discipline."
* * * * *
OUR POLYGAMISTS.
"The bride carried a sheaf of harem lilies and orchids."--_Provincial
Paper_.
* * * * *
[Illustration: WAR-TIME IN THE WILD WEST.
POSTMORTEM PETE APPEARS BEFORE THE LONE GULCH TRIBUNAL TO PLEAD FOR
EXEMPTION ON CONSCIENTIOUS GROUNDS.]
* * * * *
DOCKING THE DRAMA.
It has been reported that, in view of the necessity for restricting
the consumption of artificial illuminant, the authorities propose
drastically to curtail the duration of theatrical entertainments.
Should this prove to be the case, we venture to anticipate certain
further regulations that may shortly be added to those already printed
upon the programmes:--
(1) Every possible effort must be made to reduce the two-and-a-half
hours' traffic of the stage to one hour-and-a-half. With this purpose
it is enacted that--
(2) No reference to any supposed events prior to the commencement of
the action will be permitted in the dialogue. All such particulars
as may be essential to an understanding of the plot must be legibly
printed upon the programmes.
(3) No performer to take more than thirty-five seconds in quitting the
stage. Backward looks and doorway pauses forbidden (provided
always that nothing in this section shall apply to the case of an
actor-manager when surrendering heroine to youthful rival).
(4) All applause, except at the fall of the curtain, to be instantly
suppressed by ushers appointed for that purpose.
(5) Friend-of-the-Family parts to be restricted to one
illustrative anecdote and one advisory monologue, neither to exceed
three-and-a-half minutes in delivery.
In addition, the Limelight Control Committee furnishes us with the
following scale of allowances and restrictions under a new clause of
the Defence of the Realm Act:--
DRAMA.--The duration of the employment of limelight in Drama may be as
follows:--
During eviction of heroine into snowstorm, allowance of one beam for a
reasonable period not to exceed one minute.
For death of infant-phenomenon, double-beam lasting two minutes;
supplementary allowance for angelic vision subsequent to same.
Embrace of hero and heroine at curtain fall, double-beam,
two-and-a-half minutes.
FARCE AND COMEDY.--It is regretted that, in view of the situation, no
allowances of limelight can at present be sanctioned.
MUSICAL PLAYS AND REVUES.--Patriotic or Hortatory Songs may be
accompanied by four beams, with supplementary allowance for encore
verses. (N.B. In these cases application should be supported by a
recommendation from the particular Government Department, War Office.
Admiralty, or Ministry of Munitions, extolled in the proposed ballad.)
Ethiopian Serenades, hitherto given by the light of (apparently) two
full-moons, must be restricted to one beam, of reduced candle-power,
thus combining realism with economy.
* * * * *
THE MYSTERIES OF ARBORICULTURE.
From an American Nursery Company's pamphlet:--
"Practise thinning in the winter time and head back in the
summer. A tree can be kept bearing practically regular
crops. Of course, it is impossible to keep any tree bearing
practically regular crops, but, of course, it is impossible
to keep any tree bearing a full crop regularly. Wonders can be
done by this system of pruning."
We can well believe this.
* * * * *
"'Wild Foods of Great Britain,' with 46 figs. 1s. 6d.
net."--"_Times" Literary Supplement_.
With fruit at present prices the figs alone should be worth the money.
* * * * *
HINTS TO GROSVENOR HOUSE.
Mr. Punch is not more free from correspondents who know how to solve
the food problem than other papers are.
The following six letters have been selected with care from some
thousand and three received during the week. The others are at the
service of any enterprising editor, or Lord DEVONPORT can have them
if he will send a waggon to take them away. They should make pleasant
week-end reading.
AN EXCELLENT SUGGESTION.
SIR,--What we plain men want to know and what we are entitled to know
is--What does Lord DEVONPORT eat? What does Mr. KENNEDY-JONES eat?
What does Mr. ALFRED BUTT eat? It would make a vast difference to
the success of the food campaign if each of these administrators was
visible at his meals, doing himself extremely ill. I suggest that a
prominent shop window should be taken for each, and they should have
their luncheon and dinner there in full view of the public.
Yours, etc.,
COMMON SENSE.
THE POWER OF BRITISH HUMOUR.
SIR,--If the Food Economy posters were more carefully thought out the
trick would be done. I suggest, for example, something really pithy
and witty, such as--
IT IS NOT ENOUGH
FOR
ONE OR TWO DAYS
TO BE
MEATLESS DAYS.
YOU SHOULD SEE
THAT ALL DAYS
ARE
EAT-LESS DAYS.
Something like that would soon drive the fear of England into the
[unprintable word] Germans.
Yours, etc.,
DOWNRIGHT.
TO MASTER THE ROLLS.
SIR,--My experience is that all rolls are too big. I personally can
get through a meal comfortably with only half the fat roll that is
automatically put before me at most of the restaurants. Let Lord
DEVONPORT decree a roll just half the size, and the difference both
in consumption and waste will be enormous. At a dinner-party which I
attended the other evening, not, Sir, a hundred miles from your
own office, the excessive size of the rolls was the subject of much
comment. No one should be given the opportunity of leaving any bread.
It should be doled out in the smallest doses.
Yours, etc.,
OBSERVER.
THE USE OF ABUSE.
SIR,--The real trouble with the food economy campaign is that ordinary
people, who perhaps, not unnaturally, have got into the habit of not
believing the daily papers, do not realise what their enemy and
the chief enemy of the country at this moment is--I mean the German
submarine. In order to get this fact into their intelligence I suggest
that free classes in objurgation are at once instituted, in which,
instead of the common "You beast!" "You brute!" "You blighter!" and
so forth, the necessity of saying nothing but "You (U) boat!" in every
dispute or quarrel is insisted upon. The young might also be thus
instructed.
Yours, etc.,
FAR SIGHTED.
WRIT SARCASTIC.
SIR,--I have an infallible plan for diminishing the consumption of
good food, at any rate among Members of the Government. Let them give
up all other forms of nutriment and eat their own words. The PRIME
MINISTER might begin. I am,
Yours, etc.,
ORGANISED OPPOSITION.
"FOOD HOGS" SUPERSEDED.
SIR,--I am told that there are people so lost to shame that they are
still, in spite of the KING'S Proclamation and all the other appeals
to their patriotism, eating as usual. I suggest that they be branded
as the "Alimentary Canaille."
Yours, etc.,
DISGUSTED.
* * * * *
"Sir G. Cornewall Lewis made the best speeches in the moist
manner."--_British Weekly_.
We had always understood till now that he was one of our dry speakers.
* * * * *
"Mr. R. M'Neill was surprised that the hon. member should have
thought it worth while to make a point of that sort. Surely he
knew the rule 'Qui facit peralium facit perse.'"--_The Times_.
The maxim seems to have jammed.
* * * * *
"Mr. Bonar Law replied: 'The Imperial War Cabinet is both
executive and consultative, its functions being regulated by
the nature of the subject of the Bandman Opera Coy.'"--_The
Empire_ (_Calcutta_).
As one of the subjects of the Company (according to its advertised
programme) is a piece entitled "The Rotters," we feel confident that
Mr. BONAR LAW has been misreported.
* * * * *
TROOP HORSES.
Through lingering long months idle
They have kept you ready and fit,
All shining from hock to bridle,
All burnished from hoof to bit;
The set of your silk coat's beauty,
The lie of its lightest hair,
Was an anxious trooper's duty
And a watchful captain's care.
Not the keenest eye could discover
The sign of the sloth on you,
From the last mane-lock laid over
To the last nail tight in the shoe;
A blast, and your ranks stood ready;
A shout, and your saddles filled;
A wave, and your troop was ready
To wheel where the leaders willed.
"Fine-drawn and fit to the buckle!"
Was your confident Colonel's pride,
And the faith of the lads--"Our luck'll
Come back when the Spring winds ride;"
And, dropping their quaint oaths drolly,
They dragged their spurs in the mire,
Till the Western Front woke slowly
And they won to their hearts' desire.
They loose you now to the labours
That the needs of the hour reveal,
And you carry the proud old sabres
To cross with a tarnished steel;
So, steady--and keep position--
And stout be your hearts to-day,
As you shoulder the old tradition
And charge in the ancient way!
W.H.O.
* * * * *