Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, March 14, 1917 by Various
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Various >> Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, March 14, 1917
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
VOL. 152.
March 14th, 1917.
CHARIVARIA.
It is rumoured that for his mismanagement of the Mexican affair the KAISER
has decided to teach Herr ZIMMERMANN a terrible lesson. He is to be
appointed Food Dictator.
***
"It is impossible to predict when the War will end," says Field-Marshal VON
HINDENBERG. Of course this is all nonsense. Many of our Military Experts
have predicted it more than once.
***
A French journal is of the opinion that the War will end this year, but the
Germans are not so pessimistic about it.
***
"Everything is going right for us," says the _Frankfurter Zeitung_. We
can't speak for everything, but it is quite true as far as the British Army
is concerned.
***
The Germans waste no time and are already dealing with the Unemployed
question. The KAISER has decided to give a dinner to Count BERNSTORFF.
***
"In America," says Dr. OTTO FLABE in the _Vossische Zeitiung_, "the
swindler and the cheat is a hero." It will be remembered how popular Count
BERNSTORFF said he had been during his stay there.
***
Just to show the British Parliament that it can be done, it is rumoured
that the KAISER is about to grant Home Rule to Mexico.
***
The Prussian Herrenhaus has passed a resolution demanding that the Imperial
Government should conclude an immediate peace on terms consistent with
Pan-German ideals, including annexation of Belgium and Poland, payment of
indemnity by the Allies, etc. The GERMAN CHANCELLOR is understood to have
replied in effect, "Go and do it yourselves."
***
Sofia announces that 35,000 Bulgarian geese are to be permitted to go to
Germany. As in the case of the Bulgarian Fox who went to Vienna, there
appears to be little likelihood that they will ever return.
***
After the bombardment of Margate, says the _Evening News_, rabbits were
found dead from fright in their hutches. To avoid the suspicion of
partisanship our contemporary should have explained that they were not at
the time in Government employ.
***
The cost of brown paper is said to have advanced to forty shillings a ton,
or four times its price in peace time. Its use as a substitute for "Havana"
tobacco (from which it can often be distinguished only by its aroma) is
probably responsible for the rise.
***
Allotment holders have been warned to be on their guard against wire-worms,
and special constables are keeping a sharp look-out by the potato-beds. A
still more efficacious method of protection is to enclose the allotment
with barbed wire-wormless.
***
Two speakers at a Ramsgate meeting recalled that they were chums
seventy-three years ago. The touching incident has resulted in a local
appeal for them to be drafted to the same regiment when their class is
called up.
***
The Cuckfield Council has appealed to householders not to put broken glass
in their swill. With all imports of glass-ware cut off, it is felt that
even our pigs must be required to forgo some of their accustomed
delicacies.
***
"The heavy tread of policemen often keeps me awake," said the Willesden
magistrate. He admits, however, that the darkened streets and the absence
of parental discipline make it more than ever necessary that the Force
should put its foot down firmly.
***
"Seagulls in Thanet," says a contemporary, "are coming to the backs of
houses and sharing crumbs with the sparrows." It is doing no more than
justice to a much abused bird to point out that the sparrows are also
sharing crumbs with the seagulls.
***
It appears from a contemporary gossip-writer that Count PLUNKETT has
definitely decided not to take his seat in the House of Commons until after
the War. This will be a relief to the authorities, who had feared that the
two events might clash.
* * * * *
NOTICE.
In order to meet the national need for economy in the consumption of paper,
the Proprietors of _Punch_ are compelled to reduce the number of its pages,
but propose that the amount of matter published in _Punch_ shall by
condensation and compression be maintained and even, it is hoped,
increased.
It is further necessary that means should be taken to restrict the
circulation of _Punch_, and beginning with this issue its price is raised
to Sixpence. The Proprietors believe that the public will prefer an
increase of price to a reduction of matter.
Readers are urged to place an order with their Newsagent for the regular
delivery of copies, as _Punch_ may otherwise be unobtainable, the shortage
of paper making imperative the withdrawal from Newsagents of the
"on-sale-or-return" privilege.
In consequence of the increase in the price of _Punch_ the period covered
by subscriptions already paid direct to the _Punch_ Office will be
proportionately shortened; or the unexpired value will be refunded, if
desired.
* * * * *
The House of Commons Appeal Tribunal has just granted a brief exemption to
an importer of Chinese eggs, which are used, it was explained, by bakers
and for leather tanning. The bakers are believed to use them for dressing
the surfaces of penny buns.
***
The North Somerset Liberal Association have passed a resolution asking Mr.
JOSEPH KING not to offer himself as a candidate at the next election, and
it is thought likely that Mr. KING will ask his constituents to resign.
***
A Llanelly correspondent writes to a morning paper to say that a parrot
which he had kept for twenty years had just died. But surely the remarkable
thing is that it didn't die before.
***
"No one admits taking drink because they like it," said Mr. D'EYNCOURT the
other day. The popular idea is, of course, that the beastly stuff must be
got rid of somehow.
***
Broadstairs Council has been offered six pounds for a sand-artist's pitch.
The advance in price is attributed to the growing attraction of the place
for foreigners on a flying visit.
***
"Women will not undertake to rock a cradle after learning to drive a van,"
says Father Vaughan. But we trust they will still handle the baby ribbons.
***
Mr. EDWARD BACKHOUSE, the Stockton-on-Tees Peace candidate, is reported to
have had his first public meeting broken up. He is now of the opinion that
it serves us right if the War goes on for the present.
***
Kent rat and sparrow clubs are offering one shilling a dozen for rats'
tails. The price is small, but, as the President of a leading club points
out, the vendor is permitted to retain the balance of the rat for his own
purposes.
***
Some exception has been taken to Mr. H.W. FORSTER'S statement to the House
of Commons that only 250,000,000 sandbags have been used by the Army in the
current year. Several privates home on leave have assured us that they
themselves have filled at least that number while waiting for a single
counterattack.
***
A Scottish allotment holder, in the course of digging the other day,
discovered three sovereigns, a silver watch and a gold ring. Since this
discovery the authorities have been so overwhelmed by applications for
allotments that there is some talk of extending the Scottish boundary into
England, in order to cope with the business.
***
"It is essential," says Mr. NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN, "that there should be some
light entertainment and amusement for the people." Several London
magistrates have promised to be funnier.
* * * * *
HERBS OF GRACE.
I.
BORAGE.
"Borage for courage,"
The old saw runs.
"Let's grow Borage
And we'll beat the Huns!
Whether for porridge
Or puddings or buns,
Let's go and forage
For tons and tons.
II.
DILL.
Water of Dill
Is good to distil
When babies are fractious and witches do ill.
But why should we waste
What gives such a taste
To Summer-time salads that with it are graced?
Old witch, work your will!
Sweet babe, take a pill!
And I'll eat my salad well flavoured with Dill.
* * * * *
Short Service.
"Under Housemaid wanted, for 25 minutes London."--_The Times_.
* * * * *
Another Impending Apology.
"To-morrow week ... the Canadian regimental doctors will be deposited
for safe keeping in Bristol Cathedral."--_Bristol Times and Mirror_.
* * * * *
The Art of Bathos.
"Mr. Justice LOW has proved himself one of the ablest and most
expeditious of our judges. He was one of three judges who decided, in
May, 1915, that a winkle is a fish."--_Daily Graphic_.
* * * * *
"London, 30th Jan.--The Fool Controller states that...."--_Indian
Paper_.
We had not heard of the appointment of this Minister. But it has been made
none too soon.
* * * * *
From a recent University examination paper:--
"Three persons have four coats, five vests and six hats between them.
In how many different ways can they dress themselves with them?"
A problem for the coming Clothes Controller.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "FASTER? NO, I AIN'T GOIN' NO FASTER, YOUNG 'IGH VELOCITY. I
AIN'T GOT BUT TWO SPEEDS, SLOW AND STOP."]
* * * * *
THE FOOD OF LOVE.
A LYRIC OF MEATLESS DAYS.
Eat to me only with thine eyes
And I will munch with mine;
Or let my lips but brush thy locks
And I shall seem to dine;
The hollow 'neath my belt that lies
For flesh of beeves doth pine;
Yet, might I wolf a roasted ox,
I would, of course, decline.
I sent thee once a juicy steak
To prove thy troth and see
If in that stern ordeal's test
Stedfast thou still wouldst be;
And thou thereof one sniff didst take
And post it back to me,
Since when I wear it next my chest,
Potted, for love of thee.
O.S.
* * * * *
A NATIONAL SKY-SCRAPER.
I have been often asked why the Government, foreseeing the inevitable
increase of Departments, had not the elementary imagination to build a
colossal sky-scraper to accommodate them all.
The objections to such an act of apparently obvious intelligence may be
briefly enumerated.
(1) With such a landmark whoever had business to conduct with a Government
Department would know where to find it, for which reason alone the system
of huts and hotels is to be preferred. The hotels are widely scattered and
the huts hidden away in odd corners of public gardens and parks, and even
in the bed of a lake. By the use of motor-cars (petrol being for official
and not for private consumption) such co-operation as cannot be avoided
between Departments is assured.
(2) Even in a single Department too close co-operation is not desirable. An
hotel, divided into hundreds of small rooms and flats, enables the occupant
of each room to be isolated, and each self-contained flat to have almost
the status of a sub-department. Thus the vexatious supervision, the easy
intercourse and rapid decision which are so disturbing to official routine
are avoided.
(3) The express elevators, by which the visitor is shot up to the higher
storeys of a sky-scraper, would suggest a certain directness and celerity
in official methods that is calculated to arouse false hopes.
(4) With many or all Departments in one building there would be the
temptation to place the entire clerical staff under Mr. Neville Chamberlain
as Director-General, who would transfer them from one office to another
according to the necessities of each day's work. Such mobility would be
unpopular, while the inevitable creation of a central Press-Bureau,
Publicity and Information Department would afford the Press a satisfaction
that it has done nothing to deserve.
(5) On the top floor of a sky-scraper is usually a luncheon-club; here the
various Ministers would meet daily, and could only with difficulty escape
the exchange of ideas.
(6) If all Government offices were in a single building the PRIME MINISTER
could make daily visits to each, and would find it hard to avoid comparison
between the organization and methods of his various Ministers.
These considerations alone finally dispose of any merits which the plan for
a national sky-scraper may seem superficially to possess.
* * * * *
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
"SCRUTATOR TEMPORIS ACTI."--You are not the only one who holds that
Parliament could not be better or more patriotically occupied at the
present stage of the War than in devoting their energies to a discussion of
the Report of the Dardanelles Commission and the detailed evidence on which
it was based. We understand that your view is shared by all the keenest
patriots among the Central Powers.
"TUBER CAIN."--The earliest poet to sing of rationing was WILLIAM MORRIS,
who repeatedly described himself as "The idle singer of an empty day."
"A LOVER OF 'BUSTER BROWN.'"--We gladly gave publicity to your indignant
denial of any tribal relationship between "Buster Brown" and Filibuster
STONE.
* * * * *
"Miss Adela Pankhurst attempted to-day at the Midland Junction, a
strong Labour centre, to deliver a lecture directed against Mr. Lloyd
George and Mr. Hughes.
The audience sang her down with 'Rule Britannia' and 'Australia 5s. a
box."--_Pall Mall Gazette_.
The latter song, no doubt, alluding to the entrance-fee charged by the
famous Boxing Kangaroo.
* * * * *
[Illustration: CENTRAL ISOLATION.
GERMAN KAISER. "YOU'RE ABOUT THE ONLY ONE LEFT FOR ME TO TALK TO."
KING OF SPAIN. "AND I'M NOT FEELING VERY CHATTY."
[It is reported that communication between Berlin and America has been
interrupted.]]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Tommy_. "HAVE YER GOT NOTHIN' TO DO ONLY WATCH US WORKING?"
_Loafer_. "NO."
_Tommy_. "THEN YER LOOK LIKE HAVIN' A THUNDERIN' IDLE TIME WHEN WE MOVE
FROM HERE, DON'T YER?"]
* * * * *
THE FIRST WHIP.
As I wandered home
By Hedworth Combe
I heard a lone horse whinny,
And saw on the hill
Stand statue-still
At the top of the old oak spinney
A rough-haired hack
With a girl on his back,
And "_Hounds!_" I said, "for a guinea."
The wind blew chill
Over Larchley Hill,
And it couldn't have blown much colder;
Her nose was blue
And her pigtails two
Hung damply over her shoulder;
She might have been ten,
Or, guessing again,
She might have been twelve months older.
To a tight pink lip
She pressed her whip,
By way of imposing quiet;
I bowed my head
To the word unsaid,
Accepting the lady's fiat,
And noted the while
Her Belvoir style
As she rated a hound for riot.
A lean form leapt
O'er the fence and crept
Through the ditch, with his thief's heart quaking;
But the face of the maid
No hint betrayed
That she noticed the brambles shaking,
Till she saw him clear
Of her one wild fear--
The chance of his backward breaking.
Then dainty and neat
She rose in her seat
That the better her eyes might follow
Where a shadow of brown
Over Larchley Down
Launched out like a driving swallow;
And she quickened his speed
Through bunch-grass and weed,
With a regular Pytchley holloa!
Raging they came
Like a torrent of flame--
There were nineteen couple and over,
And a huntsman grey
Who blew them away
With the note of a true hound-lover,
While his Whip sat back
On her rough old hack
And called to the last in covert.
Then cramming down flat
Her quaint little hat,
And shaking the old horse together,
She was off like a bird,
And the last that I heard
Was a "Forrard!" that died in the heather,
As she took up her place
At the tail of the chase
Like a ten-season lord of the leather.
W.H.O.
* * * * *
"In those same eighteen days, Sir Edward tells us, 607 ships of over a
hundred tons arrived and 5,873 left our shores. A German newspaper, it
seems, has been asserting that the mere terror of the submarine has
swept the seas clean at one blow. Twelve thousand ships, in and out, in
eighteen days, does not look, Sir Edward dryly remarked, so very like
paralysis."--_The Times_.
Our Thunderer seems to have imitated its Bosch contemporary, for it has
swept the seas of some 6,000 ships by a stroke of the pen.
* * * * *
"THE SPECTATOR" AND "THE TRADE."
A PAINFUL RUMOUR.
Last week one of our representatives had the honour of calling at the
offices of _The Spectator_ to inquire into the credibility of certain
strange rumours that have recently been current in The Trade. They were to
the effect that Mr. ST. LOE STRACHEY, Editor of _The Spectator_, having
gallantly volunteered under the National Service Scheme, had had allotted
to him, by one of the DIRECTOR-GENERAL'S subordinates, a post of national
importance at Messrs. Bassopp's Brewery. Mr. STRACHEY'S fertile and
forcible pen was (so the rumour went) to be employed by this firm in the
drawing up of some pungent advertisements under the headings, "The Weakness
of the Water Movement," "Up, Glasses!" etc., including a verse series, in
Horatian alcoholics, entitled, "Bonnie D.T."
It was reported that in the ironic circumstances in which he found himself,
Mr. STRACHEY felt it his duty to acquiesce loyally in the change of view
imposed upon him, and to adopt a policy of "Down, Spectators!"
Our representative is happy to state that he has the highest authority for
giving an unqualified denial to these sinister allegations.
* * * * *
From a description of a wedding-breakfast:--
"The toast of the presents was also duly honoured."--_South African
Paper_.
After all, next to the bride and bridegroom they are perhaps the most
important feature.
* * * * *
"Field Glasses, powerful magnification; sacrifice, 37/6; cost L175."--_New
Zealand Paper_.
We don't know about the magnification, but the diminution is most
remarkable.
* * * * *
THE EVERLASTING ROMANCE.
The other day I did a perfectly dreadful thing: I intruded, all
unconsciously but in the most blundering way, on a love scene. It was in
the National Gallery, long famous as the meeting-place of affinities, in
the big room where the pictures lent by the Duke of WESTMINSTER and the
Duke of BUCCLEUCH are now hanging, and before I knew it I found myself
standing between two young people whose eyes were fixed on each other.
Naturally I moved away at once, but later I returned and made so bold as to
study them a little, for it was clearly, if not yet a passion, a mutual
interest of such tender depths that no outsider could affect it.
The boy--for he was no more--was one of the most beautiful that I have ever
seen. His hair was perhaps a thought longer than we encourage to-day, but
one always sees odd people in the National Gallery, where artists--most
careless of men--are now constant visitors, drawn there by the many new
pictures, and especially, perhaps, the modern French examples from Sir HUGH
LANE'S collection. His hair was the more noticeable because he carried his
hat in his hand; his clothes were noticeable too, being a shade too
fanciful for London in winter--but then, who cares how people dress in
London? I am sure I don't; and especially so when they have such eyes as
this boy's, dark and rich, and such a curve to such lips.
There he stood, perfectly still, his steady gaze fixed on the lady
opposite, while she in her turn never wavered in her gaze upon him. But
whereas there was something bold in his homage there was a half-shy way
with her. He was facing her squarely, but she looked at him a little
sideways, and a little curiously, in demure dubiousness. One could see that
she was enormously intrigued, but her interest was not expressed by any
movement. In fact neither moved; they remained some twenty yards apart all
the time I observed them: each, I suppose, leaving it to the other--the boy
because he was so young, the girl because she was already woman, and woman
likes to force advances from man.
I never saw a prettier thing than the little lady, with her cool white
skin, and the faintest flush on her cheeks, and her eyes not less dark than
the boy's but lacking the sensitive depths of his.
The odd thing was that, although they were so engrossed each in the other,
both, I observed, looked also at me. It struck me as not the least strange
part of this charming drama that its hero and heroine, while completely
absorbed in their own sympathetic relationship, should be able to turn a
calm survey upon a stranger too. This gift made them the more memorable and
perhaps explains why, for all the rest of the day and at intervals in the
night and morning following, I thought of these young people, speculating
as to how they were getting on; and perhaps that is why, the next
afternoon, drawn by invisible wires, I found myself in the National Gallery
again.
Will you believe it?--they also were there. This is an absolute fact. There
they were, exactly as I had left them. And yet, not exactly, for I am
certain that there was a hint more of seriousness in the lady's glance and
a shade more troubled earnestness in his. But as regards actual distance,
they were still as far apart, although certainly nearer in spirit.
Curiosity as to names is a foible which should be, I am convinced,
discouraged; but on this occasion I could not resist the desire to know
more of such assiduous habitues. Drawing one of the attendants aside, I
asked him if he could tell who these romantic young things were. "To be
sure," he said. "The young gentleman is 'The Blue Boy,' by GAINSBOROUGH,
and the young lady is the Lady ELIZABETH MONTAGU, by REYNOLDS."
Only portraits after all, you say. But don't be too hasty. Go rather to the
National Gallery and see for yourself. Maybe you will then realise that
there is more there than paint....
Shallow people talk about accidents. But the wise know that accidents do
not happen. The wise know that the War broke out in order that Grosvenor
House, where "The Blue Boy" normally resides, and Montagu House, the home
of this little Buccleuch lady with skin like an anemone, might be needed
for War-work, so that when the pictures were sent to the National Gallery
for safer keeping these two might be placed opposite each other in the same
room. Chance? The only chance is destiny.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Munition Worker_. "I'VE BOUGHT A PIANO."
_Foreman_. "GOT ANYBODY AT HOME WHO CAN PLAY IT?"
_Munition Worker_. "NO, NOT AT PRESENT; BUT WE'VE A FRIEND COMING ROUND
THIS EVENING TO PUT US IN THE WAY OF IT."]
* * * * *
"Fish, or woman, for block work; must be exp. and accustomed to best
class trade."--_Daily Paper_.
Why not combine the two and get a mermaid?
* * * * *
"MAN WHO WILL KEEP EYE ON POTATOES. MR. DENNIS AS VEGETABLE AND FRUIT
DIRECTOR."--_The Daily Mirror_.
Mr. D. need not trouble; we prefer them without eyes.
* * * * *
[Illustration: A LEAN DAY.
_Luncheon Hostess_. "I DO HOPE YOU DON'T MIND, MRS. STOKER, BUT ON
WEDNESDAYS WE ONLY HAVE MEAT AT DINNER."
_Dinner Hostess_. "I DO HOPE YOU DON'T MIND, MRS. STOKER, BUT ON WEDNESDAYS
WE ONLY HAVE MEAT AT LUNCHEON."]
* * * * *
_MON SOLDAT ET MON CURE._
"Donne un peu, Maman, s'il te plait," said Jeanne eagerly.
Maman handed over the newspaper from which she had just read aloud and
explained the passage so full of touching interest to them both, and
Jeanne, with help at the difficult places, read out:--
_"'CITATIONS A L'ORDRE DU JOUR._
_Jacques Martin, soldat au 170e d'infanterie, grenadier d'elite, au cours
des combats du 26 et du 27 novembre, 1916, a, par son mepris du danger et
par son ardeur, assure la progression dans un boyau defendu pas a pas par
l'ennemi._
_Le soldat Jacques Martin est Monsieur l'abbe Martin, cure de ----.'_
"Oui, nous savons bien d'ou il est cure!" cried Jeanne, in admiration and
awe. "C'est bien beau, hein, Maman?" Then suddenly she became silent and
thoughtful, remembering the subsequent fate of her friend and hero.
"Dire qu'il est maintenant prisonnier en Alle... en Bochie!" she said. They
had known long ago that he was mentioned in despatches, and they had been
on the look-out for the glorious details in print, but only this morning
had they heard of his capture.