Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, April 25, 1917 by Various
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Various >> Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, April 25, 1917
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
VOL. 152.
April 25th, 1917.
CHARIVARIA.
THE _Gazette des Ardennes_ states that German is becoming a more and more
"popular tongue" in the occupied districts. The inhabitants, we understand,
are looking forward with great pleasure to telling the Huns in German what
they have always thought of them in French.
***
It is now reported that, following the example of Professor SMYTHE, of
Chicago, a number of distinguished Americans have bequeathed their brains
to the Cornell Institute for scientific research. The rumour that the
German CROWN PRINCE has offered the contents of his headpiece awaits
confirmation.
***
The British offensive has been arrested, says the _Vossische Zeitung_.
Presumably for exceeding the speed limit.
***
A gossip-writer says he is of the opinion that there will be a great
revolution in Germany and that the KAISER will be at the head of it. It
would be only decent to give him, say, a couple of lengths start.
***
Over one million persons visited the Zoo last year. The chief attraction
appears to have been a German gentleman from the Cameroons who is being
accommodated in the Monkey House.
***
A North London employer is advertising for men "any age up to one hundred
years." The nature of the employment is not stated, but it is generally
assumed to be akin to that of our telegraph boys.
***
A woman shopper in Regent Street one day last week was accompanied by a
white parrot. It is thought that this example will be widely followed by
people who are not particularly good at repartee.
***
Count REVENTLOW has informed the KAISER that without victory a continuation
of the Monarchy is improbable. The KAISER is expected to retort that
without the Monarchy the continuation of Count REVENTLOW is still more
precarious.
***
"Have you not thought," asked a distinguished cleric recently, "that all
this bad weather may be a punishment for working on Sundays?" For our part
we are convinced that our cynical abandonment of the sacred practice of
throwing rice at weddings has had something to do with it.
***
It was stated in Parliament last week that up to April 6th only 2,800
persons had been placed in employment by the National Service Department.
The Government, it was felt, could have done better than that by the simple
process of creating another new Department.
***
[Illustration: SCOTLAND FOR EVER!]
***
The _Journal_ in a recent message states that the British have ample
supplies of ammunition. The Germans near St. Quentin and Lens also incline
to this view.
***
A resident of Northfleet, who wrote to a friend in Philadelphia in 1893,
has just had the letter returned to him through the American Dead Letter
Office. It is only fair to state that the letter was not marked "Urgent."
***
Fortunately in our hour of need one man at least has undertaken to do his
best for his country. Mr. FRANK HARRIS has told an American newspaper man
that he does not intend to return to Great Britain.
***
Owing to the increased cost of beer, several seaside resorts are announcing
to intending visitors that they cannot guarantee a visit from the
sea-serpent this summer.
***
April 14th is said to be "Cuckoo Day" in this country, but several days
before that the KAISER promised political reform to his people after the
War.
***
The other night a motor car driven by a French aviator, who was accompanied
by three friends, made a tour of Paris, in the course of which it ran down
six policemen. It is evident that the gallant fellow could not have been
trying.
***
_The Star_ is advocating the abolition of betting news in the daily papers,
and it is rumoured that its "Captain Cue" is prepared to offer ten to one
that this good thing won't come off.
***
As a protest against the Government's attitude towards _The Nation_ it is
rumoured that Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL is about to buy another hat.
***
A safe which had been stolen from a Dublin business house has now been
discovered in a field nine miles away, but the whole of the contents are
missing. It is believed to be the work of burglars.
***
Potatoes are being grown on all the golf links around London. An enthusiast
who is cultivating the ninth hole on one course is offering long odds that
bogey will be not less than two tons.
***
An electrical engineer has been sent as a substitute for a milker to a
Sussex farmer, who, with the characteristic obstinacy of his class, refuses
to accept the expert's assurance that all his cows are suffering from dry
cells.
***
A writer in _The Daily Chronicle_ claims that there are no railway stations
in Stoke Newington. It seems incredible that the artistic sense of a
Metropolitan community could be so hopelessly stunted.
***
The axe is being laid to the roots of our trees by the so-called weaker
sex; and the proper way of toasting the new woodwoman is to sing, "For
she's a jolly good feller."
* * * * *
THE GREAT SACRIFICE.
Dark lies the way before us, O my sweet!
Never again, until the final trumpet
Shall sound the Cease-fire, may our glances meet
Over the Sally Lunn or crisp brown crumpet;
Never again (the prospect makes my soul,
Unnerved by going beefless once a week, ache)
Shall you and I absorb the jammy roll
Nor yet the toasted tea-cake.
Never for us shall any fancy bread--
The food of vernal Love, and very tasty--
On lip and cheek its subtle savour shed,
Blent with the lighter forms of Gallic pasty;
Never shall any bun, for you and me,
Impart to amorous talk a fresh momentum,
Except its saccharine ingredients be
Confined to ten per centum.
The days of decorative art are done
That made the toothsome biscuit more enticing
(Even our wedding-cake when we are one
Will be denuded of its outer icing);
Yea, purest joy of all that we resign,
A ban is laid upon the luscious tartlet
By him who has for your sweet tooth and mine
No mercy in his heartlet.
And yet, if England, in her night of need,
Debauched by pastry-cook and muffin-monger,
Would have us curb our natural gift of greed
And merely mitigate the pangs of hunger,
Let us renounce life's sweetness from to-day,
And turn, for Hobson's choice, to something higher;
"Good-bye, Criterion!" let us bravely say,
And "Farewell, Rumpelmeyer!"
O.S.
* * * * *
A PROPER PROPORTION.
(_An Interview with Mr. H.G. WELLS_).
I found the Sage, as I had expected, in his study at Omniscience Lodge.
There he sat in his new suit of Britlings, surrounded by novels and stories
in MS. dealing with every aspect of human affairs, sixty of the more
important being specifically devoted to the War and the various ways in
which it might conceivably terminate. I modestly approached and presented
myself.
"You have come," he said with a courteous gesture, "to discover my views on
the present conflict?"
"Not exactly," I said.
"Ah," he said; "which is it, then? You can take your choice, you know. All
you have to do is to select the subject," and he handed me a volume
resembling _Kelly's Directory_ in size and colour, and entitled
"_Classified Catalogue of Subjects on which Opinions can be furnished at
the Shortest Notice_." I turned the pages breathlessly until I came to
"Class V, Voter; sub-class P, Proportional Representation." "There," I
said, "is what I want," and I pointed the place out to him.
"Dear me," he said, "you desire guidance on a very simple matter."
"Well," I said, "I'm not so sure about that. It has rather flummoxed us in
our office. We can't make head or tail--"
"You may thank your stars," he interrupted, "that you've come to the right
shop. I'll make it all as clear as daylight in two shakes of a pig's
whisker. Are you ready?"
I said I was, and he began to pour forth at once.
"Imagine," he said, "a constituency of 40,000 voters who elect four
representatives. Obviously anyone who gets 40,001 votes is elected. Well
then, there are ten candidates. All you have to do is to take the quotient
of _x_ divided by _y_, where _x_ can be raised to the _n_th power and _y_
can be raised to the _n_th-1, and add to this the least common denominator
of the number of votes cast for the last three candidates, taking care to
eliminate in each case the square root of _z_, where _z_ equals the number
of voters belonging to the Church of England, _minus_ Archdeacons and Rural
Deans, but inclusive of Minor Canons and Precentors. Do you follow me?"
"Ye-es," I said.
"I thought you would," he said. "Next we proceed to take the multiples of
the superhydrates mathematically converted into decimals, and then,
allowing, of course, for the kilometric variation of the earth's maximum
temperature reduced by the square of the hypotenuse, you begin the delicate
operation of transferring votes from one candidate to another in packets of
not less than one hundred. That's easy, isn't it?"
"Oh, yes," I said, "that's quite easy."
"Very well then," he said. "You have now got two candidates elected, A. and
B. You take from them 653 votes, which do not legitimately belong to them,
and you mix them up with the surplus votes of the remaining eight
candidates. Unless C. is a congenital idiot, or a felon, or otherwise
incapacitated, he will then be found to have 4,129 votes, and he too will
be elected. For the last place you must proceed on a basis of geometrical
progression. There are still seven candidates, but four of these have no
earthly and must be withdrawn by a writ of _Ne exeat regno_, taking with
them the 2,573 votes which are properly or improperly theirs, and leaving
3,326 votes to be added to those already recorded for D., who, being thus
elected into the position of fourth letter of the alphabet, will be
returned as elected on the Temperance and Vegetarian ticket. So finally you
get your members duly elected without the blighting interference of the
Caucus and the party wire-pullers generally. You see that, of course?"
"Yes," I said, "I suppose I see it."
"Of course you do, and the others will see it too. And they'll realise that
the House of Commons will be a different place when the old system is
destroyed and every shade of opinion is represented. But what chiefly
appeals to me in it is its extraordinary simplicity and perspicuous ease. A
child could perform the duties of counter or returning officer, and any
voter, male or female, can master the system in about five minutes."
I thanked Mr. WELLS for his courtesy and staggered dizzily back to Bouverie
Street.
* * * * *
On "How to Dig," from a recently-published military manual:--
"To dig well one must dig often. Any series of complex co-ordinated
movements can be performed with the greatest economy of effort only
when they have become semi-reflex; and for this to happen the
correlated series of nervous impulses must be linked up by higher
development of the brain cells."
A spade is useful, too.
* * * * *
"I did not hear yesterday of the insufficiency of bread supplied at
Restaurants being made up by cakes and guns brought from home."--_Irish
Paper._
We have heard, however, of an insufficiency of alcoholic refreshment being
made up by a "pocket-pistol."
* * * * *
"After all, the custom of marrying only into Royal houses came to us
from Germany, and dates from the Hanoverians.... The case of Henry
VIII. is well known. Four of his wives were plain Englishwomen...."--
_Sunday Herald._
Not so plain, however, as the German one, ANNE OF CLEVES.
* * * * *
[Illustration: CANNON-FODDER--AND AFTER.
KAISER (_to 1917 Recruit_). "AND DON'T FORGET THAT YOUR KAISER WILL FIND A
USE FOR YOU--ALIVE OR DEAD."
[At the enemy's "Establishment for the Utilisation of Corpses" the dead
bodies of German soldiers are treated chemically, the chief commercial
products being lubricant oils and pigs' food.]]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Aunt._ "THIS IS A TERRIBLE WAR. ALL OF US MUST GO WITHOUT
SOMETHING."
_R.F.C. Officer._ "WELL, I TRY TO BE BRAVE ABOUT IT, AUNT. BUT THIS
ZEPPELIN SHORTAGE HITS ME VERY HARD."]
* * * * *
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING.
I.
_Lewis Gun Officer._--... So let me repeat and impress upon you, men, that
the rifle is an effete weapon--extinct as the--what-you-call-it bird. It
played its part, a good part, in the South African War, but we who observed
what the machine gun did then and foretold its immense development [_he was
just nine years old at that time_] knew that the rifle would soon be in the
museums along with the bows and arrows. Pay attention, Private Jones. The
Lewis Gun, the weapon of opportunity, is a platoon in itself. _I_ don't
know what the Government want to worry about men for. The Germans don't
fill up their front trenches with a lot of soldiers to be killed with
shrapnel. No, a machine gun every twenty or thirty yards is quite enough to
hold any defensive line. So just bear these things in mind; and don't
forget what we have learnt to-day. All right. Nine o'clock to-morrow.
II.
_Physical Training Sergeant-Instructor._--Forward be--end. Ster--retch.
Be--end. Ster--retch. Feet together--place. 'Ands--down. Stan--zee. Squad
--'shun. Fingers straight, that man. Wotjer say? WOT? I can't 'elp wot the
drill-sergeant tells yer. When I sez "'Shun" I want fingers _straight
down_. On the command "Sitting--_down_" every man sits _down_ tailor-
fashion. Sitting--_down_. [_This is the position in which Swedish drill
squads hear words of wisdom._] Listen. An' look at me over there--not that
I likes the look of yer--'as to put up with that, but when I torks I wants
attention. Let me arsk yer this. Wot sort of men do we want in France? Why,
fit men. 'Ow do yer get fit? _I_ makes yer fit. 'Ow? Why, physical. Wot's
the good of a bloke in the trenches if he's sick parade every bloomin' day?
Arsk any of the serjents who is it wakes blokes up and makes 'em live men?
_Me._ In about six weeks you will be able to run ten miles before brekfast
in full marchin' order, carryin' 120 rounds, gettin' over six-foot walls
and jumpin' eight-foot ditches. Don't look _frightened_, Private West. I
'ave seen weedier and uglier-lookin' blokes than you do it when _I_'ve done
with 'em. One more thing....
III.
_Musketry Officer._--... Therefore you see an infantry soldier has one
weapon and one only--the _rifle_. You fellows will be out at the Front
pretty soon. Now, if a man gets up the line, no matter how strong he is,
how well drilled, if he can't use his rifle he might just as well not be
there for all the good he is to his country. All the money that's been
spent on his trainin', food, clothin'--absolutely wasted; might as well
have been thrown into the sea. Why, the other day a party of our fellows
were heavin' bombs at about twenty Bosches--threw _hundreds_; couldn't
reach 'em. And _one_ sniper went out and killed the lot in two minutes. And
so ...
IV.
_Sergeant-Instructor of Bayonet-Fighting._--On guard. Long point. Withdraw.
On guard. Rest. Now, when I snap my fingers I want to see you come to the
high port and get roun' me _like lightning_. Some of you men seem to be
treatin' this bizness in a light-'earted way. We don't do _this_ work to
prevent you gettin' into mischief. Not much. Wotjer join the army for? To
fight. Right. I shows yer how to fight. 'Ow many Fritzes jer think I've
killed, by teachin' rookies the proper use of the baynit? This is _the
goods_. 'Ow are we goin' to win this bloomin' war? With the rifle? No. With
bombs? No. With machine guns? No. 'Ow then? By turnin' 'em out with the
baynit. Cold steel. That's it. An' I'll show yer where to pop it in, me
lads--three inches of it. That's all you want--three inches ... (_For sheer
bloodthirstiness there is no patter like that of the Bayonet Department._)
V.
_Bombing Officer._--Sit down. Smoke if you want to--and listen. My job is
to teach you fellers all about what has turned out to be of the highest
importance in this trench warfare, namely, bombs and grenades. This is a
trench war; has been for three years. The nature of the fighting may alter,
of course. We all hope it will. But we must think of _trenches_ at the
moment. Now, the German is a clever feller, and he soon saw that you'd
never kill off the enemy if you just sat down behind a parapet with a rifle
in your hand. So he started inventing and developing these things. But
we're catching him up. We've caught him up. Now, this is a Mills ...
VI.
_The Adjutant_ (_after two hours' extended order drill and attack
practice_).--Just sit down. Close in a bit. Light your pipes if you wish.
Let me tell you that the sort of work we've been doing this afternoon is
the _only_ way we're ever going to finish off the Hun--absolutely. You can
never win a war by squatting down in a hole and lookin' at the other
fellow. No, open fighting--that's what the new armies have got to learn. I
fear it's been badly neglected; but not in _this_ battalion. Now, with
regard to the screen of skirmishers, I want ...
VII.
_Drill Sergeant._--On 'er left, form--squad. For--erd, by the ri.'
Mark--time. For--erd. Wake up, Thomson; we don't want no blinkin'
_dreamers_ in the Army. Pick up the step there, Number Three, fron' rank.
'Ep, ri'; 'ep, ri'; 'ep, ri. Sker-wad--'alt. Stan' still. 'Alt means 'alt.
No movin' at all; just 'alt. Right--dress. Eyes--front. 'Swer. Eyes--front.
Stanat--'ipe. 'Swer. Stanat--'ipe. Stan' easy. Now listen to me, me lads.
The chiefest dooty of a soljer is O-bedience. Drill an' discipline is 'ow
you gets that. Stop chewin, 'Arris. You'll be losin' your name again, me
lad. Don't pay to lose your name twice--not in this regiment it don't.
You'll learn a deal of other stuff 'ere; but take it from me it's the
barrick-square work wot makes a soljer. Wot _is_ a soljer? Why, a _drilled_
man. 'Ow jer think I 'ave turned some 'undreds of blankety militiamen into
the real thing? If a bloke can't stan' still on parade _I_ don't want to
hear about his doin's on the range or 'ow he can chuck a Mills. Sker-wad--
'shun. Dis--miss. 'Swer. No call to go salootin' me, Private McKenzie. I
ain't an orficer--_yet_. Dis--miss.
_Private Jones_ (_young and keen, and a trifle confused_).--Good 'evins,
Bill; they carn't _all_ be bloomin' well right, can they?
_Lance-Corporal Smith._--No, boy. It's the 'appy mejium we gets wiv 'em
all, yer see. That's it--the happy mejium.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Sentry._ "HALT! WHO GOES THERE?"
_Officer._ "VISITING ROUNDS."
_Sentry._ "ADVANCE ONE AND RECOGNISE YERSELF."]
* * * * *
THE NEW NOTE IN THEATRICAL ADVERTISING.
(_The sort of thing we are now getting in the daily papers in place of
the antique boastings of expenditure and magnificence._)
FRIVOLITY THEATRE.
On Monday next, at 8 o'clock, will be
produced
_THE BELLE OF BELLONA_,
A NEW MUSICAL ECONOMANZA IN TWO ACTS.
_Largely reduced Orchestra._
Cheap Jokes. Old Scenery.
* * * * *
_DUST OF BABYLON_
AT THE EMPEROR'S THEATRE.
AN UNSPECTACULAR TALE OF THE EAST.
Practically no Costumes.
_Support the production that saves money on
wardrobe expenses._
* * * * *
We understand that Miss Taka Topnote, the well-known revue artiste, is
bringing an action for defamation against the dramatic editor of _The
Morning Chatterbox_, who recently published a statement that her salary was
fifteen hundred a week. The lady informs us that as a matter of fact she is
now drawing thirty-five shillings, with half fees for matinees.
* * * * *
Mr. Buckram, the famous actor-manager, writes: "A great deal of nonsense
has been published about the so-called stupendous sums supposed to be
expended on my shows. How such stories get about I am at a loss to imagine.
Thus my present entertainment is reported to have cost me L25,000 before
the curtain rose. All I can say is that, were this the case, the curtain
would never have risen at all. To speak by the book (which anyone is at
full liberty to inspect) I find my total initial outlay to have been L43
11s. 5d., inclusive of free drinks at the dress-rehearsal. All the
members of my cast are paid as little as possible, usually in postage-
stamps."
* * * * *
It is stated that the new problem play shortly to be produced at the
Vegeterion Theatre will be unique in the matter of economy. It will be
played throughout upon a bare stage, the scene represented being "A Theatre
during Rehearsal." The cast will be entirely composed of stage hands and
dramatic students; moreover, as both the dialogue and situations have been
gratuitously borrowed from other works of a similar character, there will
be no author's fees. The very gratifying result of these measures is that
the management is enabled to present to the public an entertainment that
has cost _nothing at all_. Patriotism could no further go.
* * * * *
"Meanwhile, the turnip trade is booming, and prices going higher: People
seem to be talking to them in place of potatoes."--_Newcastle Evening
Chronicle._
Yes, and their language is often very regrettable.
* * * * *
TO FRANCE.
If so it be for every generous thought
Spring scents are sweeter yet.
For every task with high endeavour wrought
Earth's gems are fairer set--
Primrose and violet;
If for each noble dream in dormant seed
The life-spark stirs and glows;
If for the fame of each heroic deed
Some bloom the lovelier grows--
White lily or red rose;
Then, France, thou shouldst be lavish of thy flowers
For all our dead and thine,
And for all women's tears, or thine or ours,
Put forth some tender sign--
Heartsease or eglantine.
* * * * *
CHILDREN'S TALES FOR GROWN-UPS.
THE JUDGMENT OF THE ASS.
VII.
It was in the year that the donkey was elected judge, because only he and
the mule came to vote and the mule spoiled his voting-paper.
The weasel came before the court to make a serious complaint against the
rat.
"Most learned judge," said the weasel, "the rat came to me for advice.
'Tell me,' he said, 'how I can obtain a delicious piece of cheese I have
seen.' I showed him how he could get it. He ate the cheese, and since then
he has not ceased to revile me."
"Most unjust," said the judge. "What has the rat to say?"
"The rat does not appear," said the mule, who was usher.
"And why not?" asked the judge.
"He is still in the trap," said the usher.
"I showed him the way in," said the weasel proudly.
"But not the way out," said the rat's prospective widow.
"He only asked me how he could get the cheese, and I showed him," said the
weasel.
"The weasel shall have the reward of virtue," said the judge. "As for the
rat I shall fine him for contempt of court in not appearing."
"Justice!" cried the rat's prospective widow. "I demand my husband."
"You shall have him," said the ass. "I order the weasel to show you the way
into the trap."
* * * * *
An Indian Circus handbill:--
"Programme of the Bengal Grand Cirkcus Co:
Performings begin P.P.M.
PART I.
1. Some horses will make very good tricks.
2. The Klown will come and talk with the horses therefore audience will
laugh itself very much.
3. The lady will walk on horses back when horses jumping very much.
4. The Klown will make a joking word and lady will become too angry, then
Klown will run himself away.
5. The boy he will throw a ball to upside and he will catch the ball in
downward journey.
6. This is very jumping tricks.
PART II.
1. One man will make so tricks on trapees that audience will fraid himself
very much.
2. Some dogs will play and role himself in the mud.
3. This is the grand display of tricks.
4. The lady will make himself so bend that everyone he will think that he
is rubber lady.
5. The man will walk on wire tight. He is doing so nicely because he is
professor of that.
6. Then will come grand dramatic.
NOTICE.
No stick will be allowed in the spectators and he shall not smoke also."
* * * * *
EXCELSIOR.
"Our ascent to the sun makes our enemy envious."--_Koelnische Zeitung._
The night fell fast, but faster still
A youth came down the darkening hill,
A super-youth, whose super-flag
Flaunted the strange but hackneyed brag,
"Excelsior!"
His eyes betrayed through gold-rimmed prism
Myopia and astigmatism;
But, head in air, he proudly strode,
Declaiming down the fatal road,
"Excelsior!"