Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, April 30, 1892 by Various
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Various >> Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, April 30, 1892
"I suppose you don't know it, Mr. BLANK," you tell him, "but really I
can't help saying it. You behaved splendidly--splendidly!"
Droop the eyelashes quickly, and become meditative again. He will
deprecate your compliment a little incoherently.
"Not at all, not at all--Miss--er--ASTERISK--I really--assure
you--nothing more than any--er--other man would have done. Some
other people at the time told me"--(_laughs nervously_)--"very
much--er--what you have just said, but--er--personally,
I--really--could never see it, or of course I wouldn't have mentioned
it to you."
Your rejoinder will depend a good deal on how far you mean to go, and
how much of that kind of thing you think you can stand. If you like,
you can drop your handkerchief or your glove when you rise; it will
please him to pick it up for you, and he will feel, for a moment, as
if he had saved your life.
If you do not want to please the man, but only to show your own
superiority, it may perhaps be as well to remember that women are
better than men, as a rule, in flat badinage. Men talk best when they
are by themselves, but they are liable to be painfully natural at such
times. I had some little difficulty in finding this out, but I thought
it my duty to know, and--well, I _do_ know.
The correspondence that I have received has not been altogether
pleasant. I have had one letter from ETHEL (aged thirteen) saying that
she thinks me a mean sneak for prying into other people's Diaries.
I can only reply that I was acting for the public good. I have had
a sweet letter, however, from "AZALEA." She has been absolutely
compelled, by force of circumstances, to allow the distinct attentions
of three different men. She does not give the names of the men, only
descriptions, but I should advise her to keep the dark one. She can
see the will at Somerset House. "JANE" writes to ask what is the best
cure for freckles. I do not answer questions of that kind. I have
replied to my other correspondents privately.
* * * * *
REPULSING THE AMAZONS.
(_SEE CARTOON, "ARMING THE AMAZONS," DEC. 5, 1891._)
[Illustration]
Arming the Amazons against the Greeks?
That PRIAM SALISBURY tried some few short weeks
Before the present fray. FAWCETTA fair
Had prayed; the question then seemed "in the air,"
And PRIAM proffered then the Franchise-spear,
(A shadowy one, that gave no grounds for fear,)
To poor PENTHESILEA.
Now, ah, now
ROLLITTUS moves, there's going to be a row,
And lo! the mingled ranks of Greece and Troy
Close 'gainst the Amazons. Her steed, a toy,
A hobby-horse, that any maid may mount,
Is not--just now--of any great account.
Her phantom spear will pierce no stout male mail;
But should ROLLITTUS _not_--(confound him!)--fail,
A female host, well armed, and _not_ on hobbies,
Might prove as dangerous as a batch of Bobbies.
The fair FAWCETTA then must be thrown over;
PENTHESILEA finds no hero-lover
In either host. PRIAM, abroad, is dumb.
Ah, maiden-hosts, man's love for you's a hum.
Each fears you--in the foeman's cohorts thrown,
But _neither side desires you in its own!_
The false GLADSTONIUS first, he whom you nourish,
A snake in your spare bosoms, dares to flourish
Fresh arms against you; potent, though polite,
He fain would bow you out of the big fight,
Civilly shelve you. "Don't kick up a row,
And--spoil my game! Another day, not now,
There's a _dear_ creature!" CHAMBERLAINIUS, too,
Hard as a nail, and squirmy as a screw,
Sides with the elder hero, just for once;
CHAPLINIUS also, active for the nonce
On the Greek side, makes up the Traitrous Three,
One from each faction! Ah! 'tis sad to see
PENTHESILEA, fierce male foes unite
In keeping female warriors from the fight;
Yet think, look round, and--you _may_ find they're right!
* * * * *
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