Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, April 16, 1892 by Various
V >>
Various >> Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, April 16, 1892
To-day he moved that on Thursday the accused should appear at Bar of
House. This on point of being agreed to when COOKE again appeared on
scene; with increased impressiveness of manner argued against BEACH's
proposal. Prince ARTHUR began to look uneasy; no knowing where this
sort of thing would end if it spread. What with SEXTON on one side
correcting grammar of Ministerial Resolutions, and RADCLIFFE COOKE on
the other amending their procedure, it really seemed time to go to the
country. Something like condition of paralysis stealing over Treasury
Bench when SPEAKER came to assistance of Ministers, and benignly but
effectively pointed out to COOKE that he was one too many, was in fact
spoiling the broth. COOKE tried to argue the matter out, but SPEAKER
peremptory and Ministers saved from fresh rebuff.
"It's all very well for them arguing round the subject like that,"
said MACLURE, nervously mopping his forehead. "But it's a very
different thing with me, at my age and fighting weight. An Insurance
Broker, Director of various Railway and other Companies, formerly
Major of the 40th Lancashire Volunteers, a Trustee for three Church
livings, and father of a large family, to be brought up on a Breach
of Privilege is no slight matter. Indignity is aggravated by the
locality. 'The Bar' is the last place in the world where the friends
of JOHN WILLIAM MACLURE would think it likely to find him."
_Business done._--In Committee on Small Holdings.
_Thursday Night._--After all, MACLURE didn't have to stand at the Bar
to-night, so his feelings were saved a peculiarly painful wrench. But
the Chairman of Cambrian Railway held a special meeting at Bar. It was
attended by Mr. BAILEY HAWKINS, and Mr. JOHN CONACHER, Manager of the
Company. The SERGEANT-AT-ARMS also looked in, bringing the Mace with
him.
[Illustration: Turning his Back on his own Resolution.]
"Now if they were _really_ going to have anything at the Bar," said
MACLURE, looking wistfully on, "a drop of mulled port or anything like
that, Mace would come in handy. Suppose ERSKINE would dip it in the
jorum and stir the liquor round."
So MACLURE joked, and so, as JULIUS 'ANNIBAL, naturally well-posted up
in this epoch of history, reminds me, NERO fiddled whilst Rome burned.
Fact is, MACLURE in terrible funk; mental condition shared by his
Chairman, Co-director, and the Manager. The latter, resolved to sell
his life dearly, brought in his umbrella, which gave him a quite
casual hope-I-don't-intrude appearance as he stood at the Bar.
Members at first disposed to regard whole matter as a joke. Cheered
MACLURE when he came in at a half trot; laughed when, the Bar pulled
out, difficulty arose about making both ends meet.
"That's the Chancellor of the Exchequer's duty," said WILFRID LAWSON;
"GOSCHEN ought to go and lend a hand."
Bursts of laughter and buzz of conversation in all parts of the House;
general aspect more like appearance at theatre on Boxing Night when
audience waits for curtain to rise on new pantomime. Only the SPEAKER
grave, even solemn; his voice occasionally rising above merry din with
stern cry of "Order! order!"
"Of course, now they're at the Bar they can order what they please,"
said TANNER. Well the SPEAKER didn't hear him. Later, on eve of final
division, he offered another remark in louder tone. SPEAKER thundered
down upon him like a tornado, and TANNER quiet for rest of sitting.
[Illustration: The Woolwich Infant "goes off."]
HICKS-BEACH's speech gave new and more serious turn to affairs.
Concluded with Motion declaring Directors guilty of Breach of
Privilege and sentencing them to admonition. But speech itself clearly
made out that Directors were blameless; all the bother lying at door
of Railway Servant who had been dismissed. Speech, in short, turned
its back on Resolution. This riled the Radicals; not to be soothed
even by Mr. G. interposing in favourite character as GRAND OLD
PACIFICATOR. Storm raged all night; division after division taken;
finally, long past midnight, Directors again brought up to the
Bar, the worn, almost shrivelled, appearance of CONACHER's umbrella
testifying to the mental suffering undergone during the seven hours
that had passed since last they stood there.
SPEAKER, with awful mien and in terrible tones, "admonished" them; and
so to bed.
_Business done._--Cambrian Directors admonished for Breach of
Privilege.
_Tuesday, April 12._--House adjourns to-day for Easter Holidays;
good many adjourned after Friday's Sitting; some waited to hear JOKIM
bringing in his Budget last night. Few left to-day to wind up the
business. HUGHES, gallant Colonel who represents Woolwich, here a few
minutes ago. But he's gone too. "Sometimes," he said, with a far-away
smile, "they call me 'the Woolwich Infant.' If I am such a very big
gun, perhaps the best thing I can do is to go off."
I follow his example.
_Business done._--Adjourned for Easter Holidays.
* * * * *
THE LEGEND OF THE MUTTON BONE.
(BY OUR NEWLY-MARRIED POETESS.)
[Illustration]
When the world is full of flowers and of butterflies at play,
I could sit beneath the roses eating chocolates all day;
But my heart is very heavy as I ponder with dismay
On the Mutton Bone a-lying in the Larder!
For GEORGE has squandered sixpence on a telegram from town,
To say that he has come across "that dear old chappie--BROWNE,"
And to dine with us this evening he means to bring him down--
And the Mutton Bone is lying in the Larder!
I have just been down to see it, and my courage sinks a-new,
Though Cook has kindly promised me her very best to do--
Which means that she'll convert into an appetising stew
The Mutton Bone a-lying in the Larder.
But I suddenly remember, with a blush of rosy pink,
That Cook--alas! is given to the frequent use of drink,
And if she once gets muddled up--perhaps she'll never think
Of the Mutton Bone a-lying in the Larder!
* * * * *
As the western sun is gilding all the heather of the moor,
Down the basement stairs I'm creeping--till a widely open door
Shows me Cook in heavy slumber on her cherished kitchen floor--
And the Mutton Bone is lying in the Larder!
O GEORGE, there'll be no dinner, dear, for you and BROWNE to-day!
I picture to myself the pretty words that you will say--
And I seize my guinea bonnet--and I wander far away
From the Mutton Bone a-lying in the Larder!
* * * * *
MOTTO FOR A SOAP CO.--"Nothing like Lather."
* * * * *
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