Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. 152, February 21st, 1917 by Various
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Various >> Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. 152, February 21st, 1917
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
VOL. 152.
February 21st, 1917.
CHARIVARIA.
Count BERNSTORFF, it appears, was very much annoyed with the way in which
certain Americans are supporting President WILSON, and he decided to read
them a lesson they would not soon forget. So he left America.
***
Things are certainly settling down a little in Hungary. Only two shots were
fired at Count TISZA in the Hungarian Diet last week.
***
The famous Liquorice Factory which has figured so often in the despatches
from Kut is again in the hands of our troops. Bronchial subjects who have
been confining themselves to black currant lozenges on patriotic grounds
will welcome the news.
***
The German Imperial Clothing Department has decreed that owners of garments
"bearing the marks of prodigal eating" will not be permitted to replace
them, and the demand among the elderly dandies of Berlin for soup-coloured
waistcoats is said to have already reached unprecedented figures.
***
"On the Western front," says _The Cologne Gazette_, "the British are
defeated." Some complaints are being made by the Germans on the spot
because they have not yet been officially notified of the fact.
***
A neutral diplomat in Vienna has written for a sack of rice to a colleague
in Rome, who, feeling that the Austrians may be on the look-out for the
rice, intends to defeat their hopes by substituting confetti.
***
By the way the FOOD CONTROLLER may shortly forbid the use of rice at
weddings. We have long held the opinion that as a deterrent the stuff is
useless.
***
"The British," says the _Berliner Tageblatt_, "what are they? They are
snufflers, snivelling, snorting, shirking, snuffling, vain-glorious
wallowers in misery...." It is thought likely that the _Berliner Tageblatt_
is vexed with us.
***
Count PLUNKETT, although elected to the House of Commons, will not attend.
It is cruel, but the COUNT is convinced that the punishment is no more
severe than the House deserves.
***
A North of England Tribunal has just given a plumber sufficient extension
to carry out a large repair job he had in hand. This has caused some
consternation among those who imagined that the War would end this year.
***
Lord DEVONPORT'S weekly bread allowance is regarded as extravagant by a
lady correspondent, who writes, "In my own household we hardly eat any
bread at all. We practically live on toast."
***
An informative contemporary explains that the Chinese eggs now arriving are
nearly all brown and resemble those laid in this country by the Cochin
China fowl. This, however, is not the only graceful concession to British
prejudice, for the eggs, we notice, are of that oval design which is so
popular in these islands.
***
[Illustration: PRO PATRIA.]
***
An _Evening News_ correspondent states that at one restaurant last week a
man consumed "a large portion of beef, baked potatoes, brussels-sprouts,
two big platefuls of bread, apple tart, a portion of cheese, a couple of
pats of butter and a bottle of wine." We understand that he would also have
ordered the last item on the menu but for the fact that the band was
playing it.
***
A Carmelite sleuth at a City restaurant reports that one "Food Hog" had for
luncheon "half-a-dozen oysters, three slices of roast beef with Yorkshire
pudding, two vegetables and a roll." The after-luncheon roll is of course
the busy City man's substitute for the leisured club-man's after-luncheon
nap.
***
There is plenty of coal in London, the dealers announce, for those who are
willing to fetch it themselves. Purchasers of quantities of one ton or over
should also bring their own paper and string.
***
One of the rarest of British birds, the great bittern, is reported to have
been seen in the Eastern counties during the recent cold spell. In answer
to a telephonic inquiry on the matter Mr. POCOCK, of the Zoological
Gardens, was heard to murmur, "Once bittern, twice shy."
***
A stoker, prosecuted at a London Police Court for carrying smoking
materials into a munitions factory, explained in defence that no locker had
been assigned to him. The Bench thereupon placed one at his disposal for a
period of one month.
***
On the Somme, says _The Times_, the New Zealand Pioneers, consisting of
Maoris, Pakehas and Raratongans, dug 13,163 yards of trenches, mostly under
German fire. The really thrilling fact about this is that we have enlisted
the sympathy of the Pakehas (or "white men"), who, with the single
exception of the Sahibs of India, are probably the fiercest tribe in our
vast Imperial possessions.
***
The announcement that the Scotland Yard examination will not be lowered for
women taxicab drivers has elicited a number of inquiries as to whether
"language" is a compulsory or an alternative subject.
***
"The feathers are most quickly got rid of by removing them with the skin,"
says the writer of a recently published letter on "Sparrows as Food." He
forgets the very considerable economy which can be achieved by having them
baked in their jackets.
***
We are glad to note an agitation for a bath-room in every artisan dwelling.
Only last week we were pained by a photograph in a weekly paper showing
somebody reduced to taking his tub in the icy Serpentine.
***
Motto for Housekeepers:--
"WEIGH IT AND SEE."
* * * * *
NATIONAL SERVICE.
War has taught the truth that shines
Through the poet's noble lines:--
"Common are to either sex
_Artifex_ and _opifex_."
* * * * *
WILLIAM v. THE WORLD.
Doubtless you feel that such a fight
Would be a huge _reclame_ for Hundom;
That Earth would stagger at the sight
Of _Gulielmus contra Mundum;_
That WILLIAM, facing awful odds,
Should prove a spectacle for men and gods.
('Tis true you have Allies who share
The toll you levy for the shambles,
Yet, judging by the frills you wear
In this your most forlorn of gambles,
One might suppose you stood alone
In solitary splendour all your own.)
And if the game against you goes,
As seems, I take it, fairly certain,
The Hero, felled by countless foes,
Should make a rather useful curtain;
You could with honour cry for grace,
Having preserved the thing you call your face.
I shouldn't count too much on that.
The globe is patient, slow and pensive,
But has a way of crushing flat
The objects which it finds offensive;
And when it's done with you, my brave,
I doubt if you will have a face to save.
O.S.
* * * * *
A LOST LEADER.
"Mr. Law began his speech with intermittent cries for Mr. Lloyd
George."--_The Saturday Westminster Gazette._
We can well understand Mr. LAW'S sense of loneliness, and our contemporary
has performed a genuine service in recording this pathetic incident, which
seems to have escaped all the other reporters of the opening of Parliament.
* * * * *
"His mother died when he was seven years old, while his father lived to
be nearly a centurion."--_Wallasey and Wirral Chronicle._
Hard lines that he just missed his promotion.
* * * * *
"ROYAL FLYING CORPS.
FLIGHT COMDRS.--Lt. (temp. Capt.) F.P. Don, and to retain his temp.
tank whilst so empld."--_The Times._
We commend this engaging theme to the notice of Mr. LANCELOT SPEED, in case
the popularity of his film, "Tank Pranks," now being exhibited, should call
for a second edition.
* * * * *
"Four lb. of bread (or 3 lb. of flour), 2-1/2 lb. of meat, and 3/4 lb. of
sugar--these are the voluntary rations for each person for a week, and
in a household of five persons this works out at 23-1/3 lb. of bread
and flour, 9 lb. of meat, and 4 lb. of sugar."--_Weekly Scotsman._
We always like to have our arithmetic done for us by one who has the trick
of it.
* * * * *
"WANTED, False Teeth, any condition; highest price given, buying for
Government."--_Local Paper._
This may account for the statement in another journal that "the new
Administration is going through teething troubles."
* * * * *
Mr. Punch begs to call the attention of his readers to an exhibition of
original War-Cartoons to be held by his namesake of Australia at 155, New
Bond Street, beginning on February 22nd. The cartoons are the work of
Messrs. GEORGE H. DANCEY and CHARLES NUTTALL, of the Melbourne _Punch._
* * * * *
HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.
(_The PRESIDENT of the United States and Mr. GERARD._)
_The President._ Here you are then at last, my dear Mr. GERARD. I am afraid
you have had a long and uncomfortable journey.
_Mr. Gerard._ Don't say a word about that, Mr. President. It's all in the
day's work, and, anyhow, it's an immense pleasure to be back in one's own
country.
_The President._ Yes, I can well believe that. Living amongst Germans at
this time can be no satisfaction to an American citizen.
_Mr. G._ No, indeed, Mr. President; you never said a truer word than that
in your life. The fact is the Germans have all gone mad with self-esteem,
and are convinced that every criticism of their actions must have its
foundations in envy and malignity. And yet they feel bitterly, too, that,
in spite of their successes here and there, the War on the whole has been
an enormous disappointment for them, and that the longer it continues the
worse their position becomes. The mixture of these feelings makes them
grossly arrogant and sensitive to the last degree, and reasonable
intercourse with them becomes impossible. No, Mr. President, they are not
pleasant people to live amongst at this moment, and right glad am I to be
away from them.
_The President._ And as to their submarine warfare, do they realise that we
shall hold them to what they have promised, and that if they persist in
their policy of murder there must be war between them and us?
_Mr. G._ The certainty that you mean what you say has but little effect on
them. They argue in this way: Germany is in difficulties; the submarine
weapon is the only one that will help Germany, therefore Germany must use
that weapon ruthlessly and hack through with it, whatever may be urged on
behalf of international law or humanity at large. Humanity doesn't count in
the German mind because humanity doesn't wear a German uniform or look upon
the KAISER as absolutely infallible. Down, therefore, with humanity and,
incidentally, with America and all the smaller neutrals who may be disposed
to follow her lead.
_The President._ So you think patience, moderation and reasonable argument
are all useless?
_Mr. G._ See here, Mr. President, this is how the matter stands. They
imagine they can ruin England with their submarines--they 're probably
wrong, but that's their notion--but if they give way to America this
illegitimate weapon is blunted and they lose the war. Sooner than suffer
that catastrophe they will defy America. And they don't believe as yet that
America means what she says and is determined to fight rather than suffer
these outrages to continue. The Germans will try to throw dust in your
eyes, Mr. President, while continuing the submarine atrocities.
_The President._ The Germans will soon be undeceived. We will not suffer
this wrong, and we will fight, if need be, in order to prevent it. God
knows we have striven to keep the peace through months and years of racking
anxiety. If war comes it is not we who have sought it. Nobody can lay that
reproach upon us. Rather have we striven by all honourable means to avoid
it. But we have ideals that we cannot abandon, though they may clash with
German ambitions and German methods. There we are fixed, and to give way
even by an inch would be to dishonour our country and to show ourselves
unworthy of the freedom our forefathers won for us at the point of the
sword. That is the conclusion I have come to, having judged these matters
with such power of judgment as God has given me.
_Mr. G._ And to that every true American will say Amen.
* * * * *
[Illustration: WAR-SAVINGS.
SULTAN. "THE OLD 'UN SEEMS TO WANT THE WHOLE WORLD AGAINST HIM, SO AS TO
SAVE HIS FACE WHEN HE'S BEATEN."
FERDIE. "I DON'T CARE WHAT BECOMES OF HIS FACE SO LONG AS I SAVE MY HEAD."
SULTAN. "SAME HERE."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: HOME DEFENCE.
"AND WHAT'S YOUR CORPS, MY LAD?"
"PARKS-AND-OPEN-SPACES-WIRE-WORM-CABBAGE-CATERPILLAR-AND-INSECT-PEST-
EXTERMINATING-PATROL, SIR."]
* * * * *
THE WATCH DOGS.
LVI.
MY DEAR CHARLES,--The weather is very seasonable for the time of year, is
it not? A nice nip in the air, as you might say; thoroughly healthy for
those at liberty to enjoy it _al fresco_. I assure you the opportunity is
not being wasted out here; all the best people are out-of-doors all the
time. For myself, with thirty degrees of frost about, it seemed to be the
exact moment to slip over to England and help keep the home fires burning.
Accordingly I repaired to a neighbouring port, and when I got there an
officer, who appeared to be looking for something, asked me what my rank
was. In peace times I should have loved a little unexpected sympathy like
this; as a soldier, quite an old soldier now, I dislike people who take an
interest in me, especially if they have blue on their hats. I thanked him
very much for his kind inquiry, but indicated that my lips were sealed. His
curiosity thereupon became positively acute; he was, he said, a man from
whom it was impossible to keep a secret. He still wished to know what my
rank was. I said it all depended which of them he was referring to, since
there are three in all, the "Acting," the "Temporary" and the Rock-bottom
one. In any case, at heart I was and always should remain a plain civilian
mister. Should we leave it at that, and let bygones be bygones? He was
meditating his answer, when I asked him if he realised how close he was
standing to the edge of the quay, and when he turned round and looked I
also turned round and went....
The fellow who was standing next to me all this time was either too young
or too proud to conceal his stars beneath an ordinary waterproof. Blue-hat
didn't need to ask him what his rank was; he recognized at a glance just
the very type of officer he was looking for. So he led off the poor fellow
to the slaughter, and put him in charge of two hundred N.C.O.s and men
proceeding on leave to the U.K. I've no doubt the fellow spent the best
part of his days on the other side trying to get rid of his party. I have
not been two years in France without discovering that you simply cannot be
too careful when you are attempting to get out of it.
When I reached England my feelings with regard to myself changed. I was no
longer reticent about my rank. I displayed my uniform in a public
restaurant, without any reserve. In consequence they'd only let me eat
three-and-sixpence worth for my first meal. This time I was not so clever,
it appeared, as I thought. I had erroneously supposed that by not being a
civilian I should get more than two courses. As it was I got less, and so
it was with a full heart and an empty stomach that I fell in for home. If
I'd known I should have kept my waterproof on for luncheon.
Do you realise how dismal a thing it is for us to be separated from our own
by a High Sea all these months and years? It ain't fair, Sir, it simply
ain't fair. In my case there is not only a wife amongst wives, but also a
son amongst sons. Now, Charles, I am the very last person to call a thing
good merely because it is my own, nor am I that kind of fool who thinks all
his geese are swans. If my son had a fault I should be the very first to
notice and call attention to it. But he has not; dispassionately and from
an entirely detached and impersonal view, I am bound to say that there is
about him an outstanding merit which at once puts him on a different level
from all others. It isn't so much his four and a half teeth I'm thinking
of, nor is it the twenty-seven overgrown and badly managed hairs which
wander about at the back of his bald head and give him the look of a
dissipated monk. It is just his intrinsic worth, clearly evidenced in
everything about him. Obviously a man of parts, he has brains, a stout
heart and an unfailing humour. Blessed with a keen perception, he delights
those who can understand him with his singularly happy and apt turn of
speech. You will, I think, accept my word as an officer and a gentleman
that he _is_ unique.
Anticipating the welcome greeting of my wife and many pleasant hours to be
spent in discussing with my son the things which matter, I put on all my
waterproofs, gave the porter a twenty-five centime piece, which he mistook
for a shilling, even as earlier on I had myself been led to mistake it for
a franc, and hastened home.
The welcome greeting seemed all right, but I had not been long in the
company of my wife before I discovered that Another had come between us. I
had not been long with my son before I discovered who that Other was.... I
determined to have it out with him at once. Feeling that the situation was
one for tactics, I manoeuvred for position and, to get him entirely at a
disadvantage, I surprised him in his bath and taxed him with his infamy. I
addressed him more in sorrow than in anger. I told him I was well aware of
his personal charm, but in this instance I was bound to comment
unfavourably on the use he had made of it. The very last thing I had
expected of him was that at, or indeed before, the early age of one he
would be stealing the affections of another man's wife.
He was not ashamed or nonplussed; he was not even embarrassed by his
immediate environment. In fact he turned it to his own advantage, for his
hairs, duly watered and soaped down on to his cranium, lost their rakish
look and gave him the appearance of a gentleman of perfect integrity, great
intellect and no little financial stability. As between one man and
another, he did not attempt to deny the truth of my assertion, gave me to
understand, with a jovial smile, that such little incidents must always be
expected as long as humanity remains human, and repudiated all personal
responsibility in this instance. He even went so far as to suggest that it
was the woman's fault; it was always she who was running after him, and his
only offence had been that of being too chivalrous abruptly to repel her
advances. I confess I was painfully surprised at the attitude he adopted;
it consisted in putting his foot in one half of his mouth and breathing
stentorously through the other moiety. And when he started making eyes at
the nurse I was too shocked to stay any longer.
Never a man to take a thing sitting down, I waited till the next morning
for my revenge. As the trustee of his future wealth I had him in my power.
Stepping across to the nearest bank I borrowed an immense sum of money in
his name and passed it all on to the Government, then and there, to be
spent, _inter alia_, on the B.E.F. And what's more, I told him to his face
that I'd done it. What reply do you suppose he made? He merely called for a
drink.
However, my revenge did not end there. On my way back to France I seized
the opportunity of looking in at Cox's and there took back from the
Government for my own sole and absolute use some of those very pounds my
son had borrowed from the bank to give it. But I lost in the end, for my
wife, whom I had taken with me to witness her and his discomfiture, had all
the money off me again, in order, I gather, to put it in my son's
money-box, for him to rattle now and spend later. The only result of my
efforts therefore was to land me in a financial transaction so complicated
that I cannot even follow it myself.
Yours ever,
HENRY.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Shocked Sister_. "OH, BOBBY, YOU MUSTN'T HAVE A SECOND
HELPING! YOU'LL LENGTHEN THE WAR."
[_Bobby, like a true Briton, desists._]]
* * * * *
NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.
(SECOND SERIES.)
XX.
MILLWALL.
I leaned on the Mill-Wall
Looking at the water,
I leaned on the Mill-Wall
And saw the Nis's Daughter.
I saw the Nis's Daughter
Playing with her ball,
She tossed it and tossed it
Against the Mill-Wall.
I saw the Nis's Goodwife
Busy making lace
With her silver bobbins
In the Mill-Race.
Then I saw the old Nis,
His hair to his heel,
Combing out the tangles
On the Mill-Wheel.
The Miller came behind me
And gave my ear a clout--
"Get on with your business,
You good-for-nothing lout!"
XXI.
CORNHILL.
The seed of the Corn, the rustling Corn,
The seed of the Corn is sown;
When the seed is sown on the Cornhill
My love will ask for his own.
The blade of the Corn, the rustling Corn,
The blade of the Corn is shown;
When the blade is shown on the Cornhill
I'll promise my love his own.
The ear of the Corn, the rustling Corn,
The ear of the Corn is grown;
When the ear is grown on the Cornhill
My love shall have his own.
The sheaf of the Corn, the rustling Corn,
The sheaf of the Corn is mown;
When the sheaf is mown on the Cornhill
My love will leave his own.
* * * * *
ONE OF OUR OPTIMISTS.
"WANTED, few cwt. White Sugar, cart self; pay cash; state
price."--_Manchester Guardian_.
* * * * *
"M. Trepoff accepted the leadership of the Right in the Council of
Empire after the party had pledged itself to eschew a retrograd
course."--_Manchester Evening Chronicle_.
Preferring a Petrograd one, of course.
* * * * *
"His Majesty's Government has declared that it is ready to grant
sage-conducts to Count Bernstorff and the Embassy and Consular
personnel."--_Daily Mail_.
Hitherto his Excellency has been sadly lacking in this hyphenated article.
* * * * *
THE HARDSHIPS OF BILLETS.
II.
Nobody knows the misery of bein' lapped in luxury in a billet better than
me and Jim. Mrs. Dawkins, as I told you, give us the best of everything in
the 'ouse and our lives wasn't worth livin' owin' to Mr. Dawkins and the
little Dawkinses and a young man lodger takin' against us in consekence.
Seein' that they 'adn't a bed between 'em while we was given one apiece and
their end of the table had next to nothin' on when ours was weighed down
with sausages and suchlike, it were not surprisin' that Mr. Dawkins and the
lodger swore at us and the little Dawkinses put their tongues out. But it
were upsettin', and Jim and me did 'ope when we was moved to Mrs. Larkins's
that we had a better time in store.
"Just goin' to the Front, ain't they, poor fellows?" she said to the
billetin' orficer. "I'll do my best by 'em. Nobody wouldn't like to coddle
'em better than I should, but 'twould be crule kindness to 'em, I knows. If
'ardships are in store for 'em let 'em 'ave a taste before they goes, I
says, and it won't fall so 'eavy on 'em when they gets there."
"There's as comfortable a feather bed as you could wish to sleep on ready
and waitin' for you," she said to us, "but who with a woman's heart in her
could put you on a feather bed knowin' you'll be sleepin' on the bare earth
before three weeks is over your poor heads? I've put you a shake of straw
on the floor for to-night. I'll take it away to-morrow so as you shall get
used to the boards. I've wedged the winders top and bottom to make a
draught through; that'll help you to bear the wind over there."
It were a north-east wind, and it reglar took 'old of Jim. He's inclined to
toothake, and in the mornin' his face were as big as a football. "I _am_
thankful I thought of the winders," Mrs. Larkins said; "you'd 'ave suffered
terrible if you'd 'ad the faceake for the first time in the trenches; now
you'll get used to it before you gets there. A pepper plaster 'ud ease you
direckly, but you're goin' where there's no such things as pepper plasters,
and it 'ud be a sin to let you taste the luxury of one over 'ere."
Jim was for runnin' to the doctor to 'ave the tooth took out, but Mrs.
Larkins wouldn't 'ear of it. "My poor fellow," she said, "do you think a
doctor'll come along with his pinchers all ready to take your tooth out in
the trenches? You'll more like 'ave to do it yourself with a corkscrew.
I'll lend you one willin'." But Jim said he wouldn't trouble her just at
present, he was feelin' a little easier.
She didn't cook us nothin' to eat. "My fingers itch to turn you out
beyutiful dishes as your mouths 'ud water to come to a second time," she
said, "but it 'ud be a crule kindness, knowin' you'll be fendin' for
yourselves in a 'ole in the ground in three weeks' time. Better learn 'ow
to do it now. There's a bit o' meat, and you can dig up any vegetables you
fancy in the garden. I'll rake the fire out so as you shall learn 'ow to
light a fire for yourselves; and I'll put the saucepans out of your way; it
ain't likely you'll 'ave saucepans over there."