Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, March 5, 1892 by Various
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Various >> Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, March 5, 1892
"But somebody must pay for it!" said JOHN SMITH, of London.
"Why, of course," returned the Fairy, "and you are to be the paymaster. You
will have to pay about five shillings in the pound as a commencement, with
additional crowns to follow!"
"But how am I to avoid this fate?" cried JOHN SMITH, in a tone of genuine
alarm.
"By voting for the Moderates, and doing your best to keep out the
Progressives. And, mind, don't forget my warning."
And then the Fairy disappeared. A few moments later, and poor JOHN SMITH
found himself sprawling upon the floor.
"Why, I do believe I have been asleep!" he exclaimed.
And then he woke up in good earnest, and hurried off to the polling
stations, and voted for the Moderate candidates.
At least it is to be hoped he will!
* * * * *
[Illustration: A TRAGEDY ON THE GREAT NORTHERN.
SCENE--_A Third-Class Carriage._ TIME--_Three Hours before the next
Station._ DRAMATIS PERSONAE--_Jones and Robinson._
"IT'S THE _LAST_!--AND IT'S A TAeNDSTICKOR. IT'LL ONLY STRIKE ON THE BOX!"
"STRIKE IT ON THE BOX, THEN;--BUT FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, BE CAREFUL!"
"YES; BUT, LIKE A FOOL, I'VE JUST PITCHED THE BOX OUT OF WINDOW!"]
* * * * *
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
_House of Commons, Monday, February 21._--"What a day he _is_ having to be
sure!" murmured the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, looking across the table at the
other eminent country gentleman who is our First Minister of Agriculture.
Truly a great occasion for CHAPLIN, and he rose to its full height. Just
the same man he was six years ago when he from same place, drew lurid
picture of the Empire staggering to its doom overweighted with Small
Holdings. Now he is bringing in a Bill to establish Small Holdings, and
recommends the expedient to House as crowning edifice of Empire's
prosperity. At such a crisis some men would have blushed, however entirely
foreign to their habit the pretty weakness might be. CHAPLIN, on contrary,
made out in vague, but luminous, manner that he had been right in both
instances. Indeed, the anxious listener had conveyed to him the conviction,
still vague but not less irresistible, that this direct contradiction was
peculiarly creditable to the Right Hon. Gentleman addressing the House,
displaying a flexibility of genius not common to mankind.
CHAPLIN always looms large on whatever horizon he may appear. To-night,
standing at Table introducing Small Holdings Bill, he seemed to swell
wisibly before our eyes. Prince ARTHUR early in progress of the speech
observed precaution of moving lower down Bench. By similar strategic
movement, HENRY MATTHEWS drew nearer to Gangway. Thus CHAPLIN was, so to
speak, planted out in Small Holding exclusively his own.
House anxious to hear particulars of Government measure, CHAPLIN,
remembering old times when they used to jeer at his sonorous commonplaces
uttered below Gangway, took a pretty revenge. Out of oration of fifty-five
minutes duration, he appropriated twenty-five to general observations
prefacing exposition of clauses of Bill. Just the same kind of pompous
platitude conveyed in turgid phraseology, at which, in old times, Members
used to laugh and run away. But CHAPLIN had them now. Like the wedding
guest whom the Ancient Mariner button-holed--though as PLUNKET reminds me,
the A.M. was meagre in frame, and CHAPLIN is not--the House could not help
but hear. Once, when the orator dropped easily into autobiographical
episode, described himself strolling about the fields of Lincolnshire,
turning up a turnip here, drawing forth a casual carrot there, meditating
on the days when
* * * * *
[Illustration: YOUNGER THAN EVER!
THE G. O. M. "NOW THEN, HARCOURT!--TUCK IN YOUR TUPPENNY!--OVER!!"]
* * * * *
every English yeoman went to morning service with a stout yew bow on his
back, his quiver full of arrows; shot a buck on his way back (by permission
of the landlord), and sat down to his midday meal flanked by a tankard of
chill October--at this stage, it is true, there were signs of impatience
amongst town-bred Radicals, who wanted to know about the Bill.
[Illustration: Mr. G. dreams a Dream.]
But it was very beautiful, and those who, from natural taste, inborn
prejudice, or lamentable ignorance, did not care for it themselves, could
not fail to enjoy the supreme delight the occasion brought to the Minister
of Agriculture.
_Business done._--Small Holdings Bill introduced.
_Tuesday._--Two Right Rev. Bishops, Lord Bishop of ST. ASAPH and he of
SALISBURY, in Peers' Gallery for two or three hours tonight; attracted by
debate on Welsh Disestablishment. Bishop of SALISBURY couldn't restrain his
astonishment at scene.
"One of the profoundest and most important questions of the day," he
whispered in his right reverend brother's ear. "It is the attack upon the
outworks. Wales carried by the Liberation Society, we shall have them
leaping over the palings into our preserves. Should have thought, now, the
House of Commons would have been seething with excitement; benches crowded;
all the Princes of Debate to the fore; cheers and counter-cheers filling
the place. Whereas there are not, I should say, more than eighteen Members
present whilst the stout Gentleman down there is demonstrating how much
happier Wales is under the benediction of the Church than she would be
without. The whole thing reminds me, dear ST. ASAPH, of--er--well, of an
eight o'clock morning service in inclement weather."
"You're young, brother SARUM," said ST. ASAPH, "young, of course I mean, in
contradistinction to Old Sarum. When you've been a little longer in
Parliamentary life, you'll understand things better. These empty benches,
and the general appearance of being horribly bored presented by the small
congregation--which I may say finds eloquent expression on the face of our
friend JOHN G. TALBOT--simply mean that they have heard all these speeches
before, and have made up their minds on the subject. They are ready to
vote, but they will not remain to hear the speeches. As you say, in such
circumstances it would appear more businesslike to take the vote at once,
and get along with other work. But that is unparliamentary. This will be
kept going till there is just time left before the adjournment to divide.
_Then_ you'll see how dear is this question to the hearts of our friends,
and how virulent is the persistence of the adversary."
Turned out exactly as the Lord Bishop had said. After half-past ten,
Members trooped down in scores. When Prince ARTHUR rose to continue the
debate he was hailed with ringing cheer from embattled host. Pretty to see
how gentlemen to right of SPEAKER, mustered for defence of the Church, were
careful to contribute to fitness of things by wearing the clerical white
tie.
"Very nice indeed of them," said Young SARUM, rarely out so late at night,
but drawn back, after light repast, to watch the division taken. "I could
wish that, instead of the superabundance of shirt-front displayed, our
friends had selected more closely-buttoned vests, and that their coat-
collar fitted a little higher. But we cannot have perfection, and the white
tie at least indicates nice feeling."
_Business done._--Proposal to disestablish Church in Wales negatived by 267
Votes against 220.
_Wednesday._--PROVAND moved Second Reading Shop Hours' Bill, and, what's
more, carried it against Ministers. CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN tells me that,
though Scotch Members voted for Bill, result has cast a gloom over them.
Expecting PROVAND would lose, they were all prepared to say, in casual way,
"Ah, well, so the case is non-PROVAND." Some had, indeed, gone so far as
commence to write letters home enshrining this joke. These are now, of
course, waste-paper. Pity opportunity lost. Scotch language not rich in
provision of similar openings for wit.
_Business done._--Second Reading Shop Hours' Bill carried. Rare opportunity
for Scotch joke hopelessly lost.
_Thursday._--MIDLETON brought London Fog on again in Lords to-night. Asked
the MARKISS if he would have any objection to appointment of Joint
Committee to inquire into the matter? The MARKISS a great artist in words;
suits his conversation to the topic. His reply decidedly misty; wouldn't
say yes or no; talked about Joint Committees being a mysterious part of the
Constitution; didn't know how they were to be appointed; hinted at rupture
with Commons if proposal were made; wound up by saying that if Motion for
Committee were submitted, he would do his best to induce their Lordships to
adopt it.
Strangers in Gallery puzzled by this speech. But the Lords know all about
it. STRATHEDEN winked at CAMPBELL, and both noble Lords wagged their head
in admiration of MARKISS'S diplomacy; recognise deep design in involved
speech and well affected hesitation.
MARKISS, I hear, vexed with me letting the cat--I mean the fog, out of the
bag last week. But it's everybody's secret. The Government have made up
their mind to go to the country on the London Fog. This Joint Committee
will be appointed with least possible delay; a measure based on its Report
will be carried through both Houses; everything will be ready for return of
unsuspecting Fog Fiend next November.
"Sorry you mentioned it prematurely, TOBY," the MARKISS said, not unkindly.
"But you only forestalled the announcement by a few days. It's been in my
mind for months. The cry of Separation is growing a little shrill; Free
Education hasn't done us any good; Small Holdings only so-so. The Fog's the
thing! Grappling with that, all London rallies to our standard, and with
London at our back we can face the country."
[Illustration: Nurse Rendel taking care of her charge at Valescure, St.
Raphael, the Riviera.]
Curious instance of association of ideas and sympathy. So completely is
mind of Her Majesty's Ministers occupied with this Fog problem, that
to-night it got into House of Commons. LORD ADVOCATE brought in Bill
allocating Scotch Local Taxation grant. Debate went on for six hours; at
end of that time discovered that whole proceedings irregular. As involving
money question, introduction of Bill should have been preceded by
Resolution submitted to Committee of whole House. Debate abruptly
adjourned; evening wasted; howls of derision from Radicals.
"Never mind," said Prince ARTHUR, cheerily. "Let those laugh who win. This
is only another argument (perhaps not so accidental and undesigned as
people think) in support of our new Fog policy."
_Business done._--Night wasted in Commons. In Lords, light looms behind the
Fog.
_Friday._--News of Mr. G. speeding home over land and sea. All his friends
on Front Bench been begging him to stay longer in the Sunny South. No need
whatever for his return; things going on admirably; not missed in the
least; shocking weather here; better stay where he is.
"Ho, indeed!" said Mr. G., pricking up his ears and a dangerous light
flashing under his eyebrows. "I'm not wanted, ain't I? SQUIRE OF MALWOOD
getting along admirably in my shoes; doing well without me; not missed in
the slightest. Very well, then; _I'll go home._"
MACLURE, who has been in the confidence of great statesmen from DIZZY
downward, tells me Mr. G.'s homeward flight was hastened by curious dream.
Dreamt all his sheep were straying from fold; some going one way, others
another; each bent on his own particular business. In vain Mr. G. leaping
up and taking crook in hand, put hand to mouth and halloed them back to
Home-Rule fold. They went their way, some even making for Unionist
encampment, where Mr. G., moving heavily in his slumber, distinctly saw one
sheep regarding scene through an eyeglass.
"Only a dream of course," Mr. G. said, when he set off in the morning for a
twenty-mile walk. "But I think I may as well be getting back. Made up for
the Session; fit for anything. Nothing could have been kinder or more
watchful than Nurse RENDEL'S care of me; if I had been his son (which I
admit is chronologically difficult), couldn't have been better done to.
Only concerned just now for ARMITSTEAD. That young fellow, proud of his
chickenhood of sixty-seven years, brought me out to take care of me, and
freshen me up. Fancy I've worn _him_ out; instead of his taking care of me,
have to look after him! Shall be glad to get again within sound of Big Ben.
Spoiling for a fight. HARCOURT done very well; but he'll have to tuck in
his tuppenny and let me over into the Leader's place."
_Business done._--Miscellaneous.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "PASSING IT ON."
_Rupert_ (_just back from School, where he has been tremendously fagged_).
"LOOK HERE, ANGY, IF YOU BEHAVE DECENTLY, AND DON'T SMASH ANYTHING, YOU
SHALL FINISH THE JAM--_WHEN I'VE QUITE DONE_!"]
* * * * *
PHILOSOPHIC STUPIDITY.
["It is better to do a stupid thing that has been done before, than to
do a wise thing that has never been tried."--_Mr. Balfour in the House
of Commons._]
HEAR the great pundit; deem him not absurd,
He utters wisdom's latest, greatest word.
All coats, we know, are best when frayed with wear;
Trousers we love when most they need repair,
Boots without heels, completely lacking soles,
And hats all crushed and battered into holes.
Nay, we'll go farther, and, to prove him true,
Do all the vanished ages used to do.
We'll crop the ears of those who preach dissent,
And at the stake teach wretches to repent.
Clad _cap-a-pie_ in mail we'll face our foes,
And arm our British soldiery with bows.
Dirt and disease shall rule us as of yore,
The Plague's grim spectre stalk from shore to shore.
Proceed, brave BALFOUR, whom no flouts appal,
Collect stupidities and do them all.
Uneducate our men, unplough our land,
Bid heathen temples rise on every hand;
Unmake our progress and revoke our laws,
Or stuff them full of all their banished flaws.
Let light die out and brooding darkness reign,
And in a word call Chaos back again.
Then, as we perish, we can shout with glee,
"Hail, hail to BALFOUR and Stupidity!"
* * * * *
SCREWED UP AT MAGDALEN.--Mr. G.B. SHAW had a lively time of it at Oxford.
Fancy a whole bevy of Socialists all cooped up together under lock and
screw. What a fancy-picture of beautiful harmony the mere thought conjures
up. Burning cayenne pepper on one side, dirty water on the other, and loyal
Undergraduates, screwed and screwing, all round them. Never mind, BERNARD.
It was a capital puff for the Socialistic wind-bag, and one G.B.S. took
care it should not be wasted.
* * * * *
A FUDGE FORMULA.
"To set class against class is the crime of all crimes."
That's the dictum of FUSBOS, a type of our times;
Yet FUSBOS himself all his co-scribes surpasses
In rancorous railings concerning "the masses."
He thinks that all efforts injustice to right
Are inspired by mere malice and fondness for fight.
He might just as well urge that morality's rules
Set slaves against tyrants, or rogues against fools;
Or mourn that each new righteous law that man passes
Must set honest folk 'gainst the criminal classes!
* * * * *
"THE MEETING OF THE WATERS."--The Engineers of London and Birmingham have
been requested, says the _Daily Telegraph_, to "lay their heads together,"
so as to see if an amicable arrangement cannot be effected. This is an
instance where to have "water on the brain" is absolutely necessary. Odd to
think that in this "water difficulty" are contained all the elements of a
burning question; so much so indeed, that the Engineers who may be clever
enough to solve the problem without getting themselves into hot water, may
confidently be expected to follow up their achievement by proceeding to
"set the Thames on fire."
* * * * *
QUEER QUERIES.--CURRENCY REFORM.--I see that the CHANCELLOR OF THE
EXCHEQUER intends to "call in" light sovereigns. The sovereigns I have all
seem to be tolerably heavy, so would there be any objection to my
lightening them by taking some of the gold off, and keeping it? This would
form a nice little "metallic reserve" for me, a thing which Mr. GOSCHEN
seems to approve of. Would not an appropriate motto, to be inscribed on the
new One Pound Notes, be--"_Quid, pro quo?_"--SLY-METALLIST.
* * * * *
[Illustration: LONDON IN VENICE.]
* * * * *
[Illustration]
HORACE IN LONDON.
TO A SKITTISH GRANDMOTHER. (_AD CHLORIN._)
FORBEAR this painted show to strut
Of girlish toilet, manner skittish:
It may be _Fin-de-Siecle_, but
It isn't British.
To dance, to swell the betting rank,
To rival 'ARRIET at Marlow;
To try to break your husband's bank
At Monte Carlo,
Would ill beseem your daughter "smart;"
The vulgar slang of bacchant mummers,
If act you must is scarce the part
For sixty summers.
Let Age be decent: keep your hair
Confined, if nothing else, to one dye:
I'd rather see you, I declare,
Like Mrs. GRUNDY!
* * * * *
THE PRIVATE AND THE PUBLIC.
(_What it may come to._)
["If we are obliged to go into the open market for our soldiers, and
compete with other employers of labour, we must bid as highly as they
do, in pay, hours of work, and general conditions and comfort."--_Daily
Paper on the Report of Lord Wantage's Committee._]
SCENE--_A Public Place._
Sergeant KITE _and a_ Possible Recruit _in conversation._
_Sergeant Kite_ (_continuing_). Then you must remember that we are
exceedingly generous in the matter of rations.
_Possible Recruit_ (_pained_). _Rations_! I suppose you mean _courses_! I
find that in all the large firms in London the assistants have a dinner of
six courses served, with cigars and coffee to follow. I couldn't think of
joining the Army unless I had the same.
_Sergeant K._ (_with suppressed emotion_). If it must be so, then it must.
Who's to pay the piper, _I_ don't know! The Public, I suppose.
_P. R._ I should think so! Then as to drills. Really the number of these
useless formalities should be largely decreased, and the hours at which
they are held should be fixed with greater regard to the convenience of
private soldiers. By the bye, of course I need hardly mention that I should
not dream of enlisting unless it was agreed that I should never be called
before 9.30 A.M. My early cup of tea and shaving-water might be brought to
me at nine.
_Sergeant K._ (_after an interval_). Called! Early cup of tea! Shaving-
water! Oh, this is _too_ much!
_P.R._ (_coolly_). Not at all, my dear Sir, not half enough. There are
other points I wish to mention. For example, do you allow feather-beds?
_Sergeant K._ Feather-beds!
_P.R._ Yes. A _sine qua non_, I assure you. Then as to pay and pensions,
and length of service. I would only accept an engagement by the month, with
liberty to terminate it at any time with a week's notice.
_Sergeant K._ (_with sarcasm_). And you would wish to retire at a week's
notice if war were declared?
_P.R._ (_surprised_). Certainly! Why not? "Peace with Honour" would be my
motto. As to pay, of course you know what I could get if I went in for
civil employment?
_Sergeant K._ No, I don't, and I don't see what that has to do with it. You
surely would not compare the QUEEN'S service with the work of a beggarly
counter-jumper?
_P.R._ Yes, I would. And as I could earn five shillings a-day easily in a
shop, why, you will have to give me that, with a pension (as I might do
better) of ten shillings a-day after six years' service.
_Sergeant K._ Any other point you would like to mention?
_P.R._ Yes, there is one other. Why should a labourer be able to get
damages from his employer when injured, and a soldier be unable? The
principle of the Employers' Liability Act must be extended to the Army, so
that if any Commanding Officer made some stupid blunder in battle, as he
probably would do, and I were to be hurt in consequence, I might sue him
when we got back to England. You understand my point?
_Sergeant K._ Oh, quite! But what would there be to prevent every soldier
present at the battle from suing also?
_P.R._ Nothing at all. Of course they _would_ all sue. So no General must
be permitted to go into action without first of all depositing in the High
Court at home security for costs if defeated,--say half a million or so.
_Sergeant K._ (_with forced politeness_). Well, I'm glad to have heard your
views. I'll mention them to my Colonel. They are sure to please him.
_P.R._ Yes, but don't keep me waiting long for his reply. My offer only
remains open till to-morrow morning.
_Sergeant K._ Oh--!
[_The remainder of the gallant_ Sergeant's _observations are not necessary
for publication, neither would they be accepted as a guarantee of his good
faith. Exit to recruit._
* * * * *
"THE RING AND THE BOOK."
[Illustration]
FROM very early days, the days, or nights, of _The Battle of Waterloo_ and
_Scenes in the Circle_, with the once-renowned WIDDICOMB as Master of the
Ring, _Mr. Punch_ has ever been particularly fond of the old-fashioned
equestrian entertainment. The Ring to which he has just made allusion is,
it need hardly be added, The Circus, and The Book is a novel by Miss AMYE
READE. _Mr. P._ is not sweet upon any gymnastic and acrobatic shows in
which the chances of danger appear, and probably are, as ten to one against
the performer; and especially does he object to children of very tender
years being utilised in order to earn money for their parents or guardians
by exhibiting their precocious agility. _Mr. P._ approves of the ancient
use of the birch as practised at Eton a quarter of a century ago, and he is
quite of the Wise Man's opinion as to the evil consequences of sparing the
rod; which proverbial teaching, had it been practically and judiciously
applied to Master SOLOMON himself (the ancient King, not the modern
Composer) in his earliest years, would probably have prevented his going so
utterly to the bad in the latter part of his life. So much, as far as
corporal punishment is concerned, for the education of youth, whether in or
out of the circus school. But girls, as well as boys, are trained for this
circus business, gaining their livelihood by acrobatic performances. Does
_Mr. Punch_, representing the public generally, quite approve of this
portion of circus and acrobatic training? To this he can return only a
qualified answer. His approval would depend, first, on the natural but
extraordinary capability of the female pupil, and, secondly, the method of
training her. As a rule, he would prefer to keep her out of it altogether:
and, as to the boys, he certainly would defer their public appearance until
they were at least sixteen; their previous training having been under the
supervision of a responsible inspector. Then as to the training of animals
for the circus business. If the training system means "all done by
kindness," that is, by unflinching firmness and a just application of a
considerately devised system of equally balanced rewards and punishments,
then _Mr. P._ approves; but where cruelty comes in, whether in the training
of child or beast, _Mr. Punch_ would have such trainer of youth punished as
_Nicholas Nickleby_ punished _Squeers_, in addition to imprisonment and
fine; and for cruelty to dumb animals _Mr. P._ would order the garotter's
punishment and plenty of it. Having professed this faith, _Mr. Punch_,
after thus "arguing in a Circle," returns to his starting-point, and would
like to know how much of truth there is in Miss AYME READE'S story
entitled, _Slaves of the Sawdust_? As literature it is poor stuff, but as
written with a purpose, and that purpose the exposing of alleged systematic
cruelty in training children and dumb animals for the circus-equestrian
acrobatic life, the book should not only attract general notice, but should
also lead to a Commission of inquiry, or to some united action of all
responsible circus-managers against the author of this work, which would
result in either the said managers or the authoress being "brought to
book." _Mr. Punch_ hath spoken. _Verb. sap._
* * * * *
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