Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, March 24, 1920. by Various
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Various >> Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, March 24, 1920.
No, you must not neglect the Preface; and you must not neglect the
Appendix on Hotels. As sometimes happens in works of a philanthropic
character, Mr. BRADSHAW'S Appendix has a human charm that is lacking
in his treatment of his principal theme, the arrival and departure
of trains. To the careful student it reveals also a high degree
of organisation among his collaborators, the hotel-managers. It is
obvious, for example, that at Bournemouth there must be at least one
hotel which has the finest situation on the South coast. Indeed
one would expect to find that there was more than one. But no;
Bournemouth, exceptionally fortunate in having at once the most select
hotel on the South coast, the largest and best-appointed hotel on the
South coast and the largest and most up-to-date hotel on the South
coast, has positively only one which has the finest position on
the South coast. Indeed, there is only one of these in the whole of
England, though there are two which have the finest position on the
East coast.
How is it, we wonder, that with so much variation on a single theme
such artistic restraint is achieved? It is clear, I think, that before
they send in their manuscripts the hotel-managers must meet somewhere
and agree together the exact terms of their contributions to the book.
"The George" agrees that for the coming year "The Crown" shall have
the "finest cuisine in England," provided "The George" may have "the
most charming situation imaginable," and so on. I should like to be at
one of those meetings.
This is the only theory which accounts for the curious phrases we
find so frequently in the text:--"_Acknowledged_ to be the finest";
"_Admittedly_ in the best position." Who is it that acknowledges or
admits these things? It must be the other managers at these annual
meetings. Yes, the restraint of the collaborators is wonderful, and in
one point only has it broken down. There are no fewer than seventeen
hotels with an Unrivalled Situation, and two of these are at
Harrogate. For a small place like the British Isles it seems to me
that this is too many.
For the rest, what imagery, what exaltation we find in this Appendix!
Dazed with imagined beauty we pass from one splendid haunt to another.
One of them has _three_ golf-courses of its own; several are _replete_
with every comfort (and is not "replete" the perfect epithet?). Here
is a seductive one "on the sea-edge," and another whose principal
glory is its sanitary certificate. Another stands on the spot where
TENNYSON received his inspiration for the _Idylls of the King_, and
leaves it at that. In such a spot even "cuisine" is negligible.
On the whole, from a literary point of view, the hydros come out
better than the mere hotels. But of course they have unequalled
advantages. With such material as Dowsing Radiant Heat, D'Arsonval
High Frequency and Fango Mud Treatment almost any writer could be
sensational. What is High Frequency, I wonder? It is clear, at any
rate, that it would be madness to have a hydro without it.
Well, I have selected my hotel--on purely literary grounds. Or rather
I have selected two. One is the place where they have the Famous
Whirlpool Baths. I shall go there at once.
The manager of the other is a great artist; alone among the
collaborators he understands simplicity. His contribution occupies
a whole page; but there is practically nothing in it, nothing about
cuisine or sanitation, or elegance or comfort. Only, in the middle, he
writes quite simply THE MOST PERFECT HOTEL IN THE WORLD.
A.P.H.
[Footnote 1: "Bradshaw's General Railway and Steam Navigation Guide
for Great Britain and Ireland."]
* * * * *
A ZOOLOGICAL CURIOSITY.
"The complaint made was that men came to the district and
asked inflated prices for shares, far above the market value,
and it was argued that the new exchange would tend to obviate
this system of sharks feathering their nests."--_Lancashire
Paper_.
* * * * *
[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND.
"THAT'S FINE. BUT, AS I HAVEN'T GOT ANY FILMS LEFT, I SUPPOSE THERE'S
NO USE STAYING HERE."]
* * * * *
AN INTER-SERVICE MATCH.
(_With the British Army in France_.)
Frederick entered the Mess with a decided sea-roll, hitched his slacks
and berthed himself on the starboard settee.
"Cheerio, my hearties," said he breezily. "Everybody on the old lugger
still luffing along all serene?"
"Why so oppressively nautical?" inquired Percival. "You haven't been
on the leave-boat lately."
"'Tis true, old messmate. I'm under the influence of my new batman,
one 'Enery 'Enson. After a lifetime in the Marines he's now spending
his declining days in the Army, and he's terribly infectious. I found
myself saying, 'Ay, ay, Sir,' when the C.O. spoke to me."
"I think I've noticed your 'Enery," said Percival. "Isn't he about
ten feet high by six broad, tattooed all over like a circulating art
gallery, and addicted to chewing quids and swabbing out your hut in
his bare feet?"
"My cabin, you mean. And says he's going ashore when he takes a trip
down the village. That's 'Enery."
"Incidentally he's a confirmed bath-lifter," interjected Binnie.
"Yesterday morning my batman prepared me a tub, and while he was
fetching me along your hulking pirate boosted out my sponge and towels
and installed your lily-white self in it. You were so busy wallowing
in my hot water that you never heard my protests on the door. You
really must curb his buccaneering instincts, old Tirps."
"I accept no responsibility for his methods," said Frederick
haughtily; "I merely profit by them. In any case I didn't _take_ your
hot water; I simply used it. You should live near the bath-house and
get up promptly when you are called, as I do."
"Well, I don't mind the British Navy ruling the waves," grumbled
Binnie, "but I object to its extending its sphere of influence over my
bath-water."
"It jolly well doesn't extend over mine," said Percival with pride.
"Frederick's 'Enery doesn't get the better of my Elfred. This morning
a queue, consisting of two perfectly good Loots, a really excellent
Skipper and a priceless Major were waiting for vacant baths. But was
Elfred Fry dismayed? To forestall an answer that might possibly be
wrong I may say that he wasn't. He promptly appropriated a cubicle
that happened to be unoccupied--"
"Really, my frowsty old Camembert, don't ask us to believe that they
had _all_ overlooked it," expostulated Frederick.
"Not for worlds would I endeavour to impose on your gentle trusting
natures. So far from their overlooking it the bath had been the
subject of earnest scrutiny, and they had all regretfully come to
the conclusion that it lacked one important attribute of a bath--it
wouldn't hold water. The plug was missing."
"And by a singular chance the plug happened to be in the possession of
your Elfred?"
"That is my case, me luds," said Percival simply. "If the silent Navy
wants to beat my Elfred it's got to rise very early in the morning."
"We shall see," said Frederick darkly. "I'm going to tell this tale to
the Marines."
That evening the troops had organised a stupendous boxing tournament
in the Recreation Hut. Binnie by invitation combined the offices
of referee, M.C. and timekeeper, and Frederick and Percival at the
ring-side unanimously disagreed with his verdicts.
"Most appalling decision," said Percival in a loud whisper. "The
referee has obviously been got at."
"Sh!" replied Frederick. "He hasn't been told it's a boxing contest.
He thinks it's a clog-dancing competition and is giving the points for
footwork."
Unfortunately the M.C. did not hear. He was speaking himself.
"The next bout should conclude our programme," he said, "but I am
asked to announce that Private Henson challenges Private Fry to box
six two-minute rounds, backing himself for five francs against a small
article of no intrinsic value."
Enthusiastic applause greeted the announcement. A disturbance in the
rear of the hut indicated that Elfred was heading for cover.
"'E 's twice my size," he wailed as strong hands hauled him back.
"The challenger admits that he holds a slight advantage in weight,"
continued the M.C., "but considers that is counterbalanced by his
advanced years."
"This is _your_ fiendish work," hissed Percival to Frederick.
"Not a bit of it, old sportsman," replied Frederick cheerfully. "The
patent rights are held by 'Enery. I merely mentioned to him that
Elfred possessed a desirable bath-plug that it might be useful to
acquire."
Percival left his seat to confer with the shrinking Elfred.
"'E can 'ave the old bath-plug an' welcome, Sir, as far as I'm
concerned," said the latter.
"Tut, tut!" said Percival. "You must make a fight for it. The honour
of the Army is at stake."
"I ain't all that set on the honour of the Army," said Elfred. "But
'im being the challenger, shouldn't I be justified in putting the plug
in one of my gloves?"
"The rules don't provide for such a contingency. Hurry up now and get
stripped, and I'll give you twenty francs if you win."
Both combatants were warmly received. 'Enery's decorative tattooing
was much admired, and Elfred was urgently requested not to spoil
the pictures. By desire of the referee the stakes were handed to
him--Frederick producing the five francs for 'Enery--and the battle
commenced.
It was early evident that the Navy intended shock tactics, while the
Army favoured a system of elastic defence. A salvo of short-arm jabs
by 'Enery was answered by long-range sniping on the part of Elfred,
no direct hits being recorded. Towards the end of the round 'Enery
attempted to approach under cover of a smoke screen, but action was
broken off at the sound of the gong.
The second round opened sensationally. Elfred, on the advice of his
seconds, was "making use of the ring" when he accidentally collided
with his opponent coming in the reverse direction and gave him a
violent thump without return. There seemed every prospect of trouble,
but clever footwork prevented the incident developing into a _fracas_.
Round two concluded with Elfred leading handsomely by one point to
nothing.
"Two to one on Elfred," said Percival excitedly.
"Take you--in bath plugs," answered Frederick, carefully entering the
bet.
'Enery equalised in the third round, Elfred having incautiously
wandered into the track of a stray upper-cut and bounced off. More
footwork followed, Elfred winning by about two yards. Both were
breathing heavily when time was called, and 'Enery was complaining
about his bronchitis.
Skirmishing tactics in the fourth round resulted in Elfred having
a narrow escape from being torpedoed beneath the belt, and during
several subsequent clinches he was requested to stop studying the
pictures and get on with the business.
The fifth and sixth rounds were marked by the departure of most of the
spectators, and in the end a draw was the only possible verdict.
"But what about the plug, old scout?" asked Percival, as they wandered
back to their quarters.
"As referee," answered Binnie, "I gave a draw; as Battalion Boxing
Board of Control I order the match to be re-fought in six months'
time, to give the men a chance to get into condition; and meanwhile as
stakeholder I continue to hold the five francs and the bath-plug."
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Profiteer_ (_to M.F.H._). "LOOK 'ERE!--THIS IS THE
THIRD TIME I'VE BEEN OUT WITH YOUR CROWD, AN' Y' 'AVEN'T CAUGHT A
FOX. BEST THING _YOU_ CAN DO IS TO GIMME BACK ME 'SUB' AN' SELL YER
BLOOMIN' DOGS!"]
* * * * *
[ILLUSTRATION: _BLUSTEROUS PERSON_ (_WHO HAS FORCED A CIGAR ON
UNWILLING CLUB ACQUAINTANCE_), "THERE MY BOY--YOU DON'T OFTEN SMOKE A
THING LIKE THAT! THAT'S SOMETHING LIKE A CIGAR, EH?"
_The Victim_. "YES--SOMETHING. WHAT IS IT?"]
* * * * *
THE TRUE SONG-STUFF.
[A writer in an evening paper describes a certain song as
being sung, "sometimes with a lump in the throat and a tear in
the eye," all over England.]
If you wish to succeed as a writer
Of songs that undoubtedly count,
By making the atmosphere brighter,
The moral barometer mount,
Then be it your aim and endeavour to try
For the lump in the throat and the tear in the eye.
SCRIABINE and STRAVINSKY may flatter
The ears of the brainy _elite_,
But the musical numbers that matter
Express what is simple and sweet;
You may easily miss, by aspiring too high,
Both the lump in the throat and the tear in the eye.
Though cynics conspire to repress it,
To sentiment, "heavenly link"
(As the Bard of Savoy would address it),
With joy "I eternally drink;"
For it gives us the key, which no science can buy,
To the lump in the throat and the tear in the eye.
But, if you are anti-Victorian
And, scorning the coo of the dove,
Hold the roar of the primitive Saurian
The final expression of love,
You may have, if you choose, an alternative shy
At a tear in the throat and a lump in the eye.
* * * * *
"For 70 years Regent Street has basked in sunshine, and now
it is to be cast into shadow again. It will be like a gloomy
canon between dour stone walls."--_Daily Chronicle_.
We have heard of a gloomy Dean, whose habitat answers to the
description given. Can this be his understudy?
* * * * *
"The 'brasses' worn by the modern cart-horse are a direct
survival of the amulets which bedecked the horses of the time
of Julius Caesar. They are worn on the farthingale as charms
against the Evil Eye."--_Daily Paper_.
You should see our Clydesdale in her crinoline.
* * * * *
[Illustration: AN UNPOPULAR REVIVAL.
FRITZ. "THIS IS NO GOOD TO ME NOW. YOU WANT A SWELLED HEAD FOR THIS
SORT OF THING."]
* * * * *
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
_Monday, March 15th_. The great Food-prices debate hardly justified
its preliminary advertisement. Mr. MCCURDY took sure ground when he
argued that high prices were mainly due to world-shortage; and,
though he entered more disputable territory when he declared that the
Profiteering Act was not primarily intended to punish profiteers,
Mr. ASQUITH did not seriously attempt to dislodge him. Indeed, the
EX-PREMIER'S speech was mainly composed of truisms, his only excursion
into the speculative being an assertion--with which not all economists
will agree--that inflation of currency is a consequence and not a
cause of high prices.
An ex-Food Controller, Mr. GEORGE ROBERTS, defended the Government
against charges of extravagance, and ventured to remind Labour--as
THOMAS DRUMMOND reminded Irish landlords--that it had duties as well
as rights.
Early in the evening the PRIME MINISTER, who had sat through many
speeches in readiness for the threatened attack, folded his notes and
silently stole away.
On the adjournment General PAGE CROFT accused the Ministry of
Munitions of unfair treatment to one of its employees. The peroration
to Mr. KELLAWAY'S spirited defence deserves quotation: "The decision
taken by the Ministry is a decision that will stand." That's the stuff
to give 'em.
_Tuesday, March 16th_.--"The LORD CHANCELLOR was so unusually
apologetic in his exposition of the War Emergency Laws (Continuance)
Bill that none of the Peers had the heart seriously to oppose him.
Lord SALISBURY took note of the Government's admission that they
were anxious to say Good-bye to D.O.R.A. and only complained that the
farewell ceremony was so long-drawn-out. Lord BUCKMASTER failed to
understand why D.O.R.A. should have a longer life in Ireland than in
England, and was so carried away by his own eloquence as to declare
that all the crimes attributed to the Sinn Feiners had been due
"to misguided attempts to enforce special legislation against a
misunderstood and a gallant people." Lord BIRKENHEAD replied that
there was at least a plausible case for the contention that the boot
was on the other leg.
[Illustration: "CONTROLLERS" CONTROLLED.
MR CLYNES. MR. MCCURDY. MR. G. ROBERTS.]
It is unusual to find Members of the House of Commons objecting to
their speeches being reported, but apparently some of them do--when
the reporters are police constables. The HOME SECRETARY thought it
quite possible that if Members attended certain meetings the official
stenographers might think it worth while to take down their utterances
but I gathered that he was not prepared to give any guarantee on the
subject, and that Colonel WEDGWOOD and Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY must
not count too confidently on having a further road to fame opened to
them.
[Illustration: THE CORNUCOPIA, OR HORNE OF PLENTY. SIR ROBERT HORNE.]
Mr. BONAR LAW read a telegram from Lord KILMARNOCK regarding the
situation in Berlin. As it was already a day old, was admittedly based
on a _communique_ from _Wolff's Bureau_, "censored" by Mr. TREBITSCH
LINCOLN (late Liberal Member for Darlington), and had in the meantime
been officially contradicted by the old Government, it did not add
much to our knowledge.
Time was when it was usual to move to reduce a Vote by a hundred
pounds if you wanted to defeat the Government. But such paltry figures
are no good in these spacious days. Sir DONALD MACLEANS'S proposed
reduction in the Vote on Account for the Civil Services was the
much more mouth-filling morsel of one hundred million pounds. Mr.
CHAMBERLAIN considered it very handsome of the Opposition, on the
eve, he understood, of coming into office, thus to cut off its own
supplies. Nevertheless he declined to accept the generous offer. Our
finances would be all right if the House would back the Government by
practising economy as well as preaching it. As it was, he thought the
worst was over, for--strange and agreeable phenomenon--the floating
debt was sinking.
After this it was, perhaps, not very complimentary'of Mr. J.W. WILSON
to urge the Government to put forth their best speakers. The PRIME
MINISTER was still coy, but Sir ROBERT HORNE, in virtue of his new
office as President of the Board of Trade, stepped nimbly into the
breach, and made a speech so cheerful both in substance and delivery
as to justify the hope that in him the Government have found the HORNE
of Plenty.
_Wednesday, March 17th_.--Seventeen years ago Lord BALFOUR OF
BURLEIGH, as a hard-shell Free Trader, sacrificed office sooner than
bow the knee to the new gods of Birmingham. This afternoon he brought
in a Bill (to safeguard "key industries" and counteract "dumping")
which would have gladdened the heart of Mr. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN. Some
of the other Free Trade Peers were still unrepentant. Lord BEAUCHAMP,
for example, declaring that shipping was our real "quay-industry" and
needed no protection, announced his intention of moving the rejection
of the Bill; and Lord CREWE, although one of the authors of the Paris
resolutions, on which the measure was ostensibly based, thought that
it went far beyond present necessities. The only dumps with which
Germany was likely to be associated for some time to come were
doleful, not aggressive.
The Report of the Supplementary Estimates furnished the Commons with
abundant points for criticism. In protesting against an increase in
the remuneration of the Law Officers, Mr. HOGGE revealed a hitherto
unsuspected admiration for the PRIME MINISTER, whose services, he
considered, were most inadequately rewarded with five thousand pounds
a year and no pension. If anyone deserved an increase of salary it was
he.
Mr. TYSON-WILSON had the temerity to complain that the Government were
not finding work for all the disabled ex-Service men whom they trained
in the technical schools, and laid himself open to a damaging "_tu
quoque_" from Sir ROBERT HORNE, who pointed out that this lack of
employment was largely due to the trade unions, which refused to admit
these men as "improvers."
In introducing the Naval Estimates for eighty odd millions Mr. LONG
was almost apologetic for not having made them larger. The _personnel_
has been drastically reduced, and parents are actually being offered a
premium of three hundred pounds to remove their sons from Osborne. On
the other hand promotion from the lower deck was to be encouraged, and
in future every youngster entering the Navy would metaphorically carry
a broad-pennant in his ditty-box.
_Thursday, March 18th_.--A proposal to erect a military monument on
a hill near Jerusalem was adversely criticised by Lord TREOWEN. Lord
SOUTHBOROUGH, as a recent visitor to the Holy City, thought that the
Government would be better advised to demolish some of the recent
buildings, including the ex-Kaiser's ridiculous clock-tower, which had
not even the negative merit of telling the time.
In consequence of his rather exhausting seance with the Liberal
Party the PRIME MINISTER was looking a little jaded. But he perked
up wonderfully when Mr. WILL THORNE, _a propos_ of a story that
the Russian Soviet Government had introduced martial law into the
workshops, asked whether he did not think that all able-bodied people
ought to be compelled to work. There was the old twinkle in his eyes
as he replied that it would be very interesting to know if that was
the view of the trade unions. From recent information I gather that
the bricklayers, at any rate, would not subscribe to it.
Upon the further consideration of the Navy Estimates General SEELY
urged the re-establishment of the Committee of Imperial Defence. Mr.
LONG said the Admiralty were most anxious for it. Mr. ASQUITH also
approved, but from his ten years' experience as its President entered
a _caveat_ against expecting the Committee to take upon itself
executive functions. "Had it done so," he observed, "there would have
been collisions, cross-purposes, waste of application, and in many
cases something approaching to administrative confusion." Which
things of course never occurred under his _regime_ of--shall I
say?--expectant watchfulness.
The rest of the debate was chiefly remarkable for Lady ASTOR'S bold
declaration, "The sea belongs to England, and it could not be in
better hands." Coming from a country-woman of Mr. DANIELS it was
doubly exhilarating.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Captain_. "'ERE LET'S PACK UP NOW; IT'S GETTING LATE.
BESIDES, THE KID WANTS HIS SHIRT BACK."]
* * * * *
"DIRECT ACTION" AT PUTNEY.
"When the Light Blues went out a second time R.C. Barrett, of
the winning trial eight crew, was at strike,--_Daily Paper_.
* * * * *
NEMESIS.
Kindly the dentist was, for he
Had obviously sought
To keep his waiting victims free
From apprehensive thought,
Providing for those souls in fear
The Comic Press of yesteryear.
I read those jests of days agone,
Those jibes at folly flown,
And wondered should I light upon
Some trifle of my own,
A par well pointed in its time
Or fragment of reputed rhyme.
Could I retrieve some sparkling fytte
Bedecked with _jeux de mots_,
I fancied that the sight of it
Might soothe my present woe,
Reminding me how once I had
Been quite a jocund kind of lad.
Lo, what a foolish hope was this!
I realised too soon
The special form of Nemesis
That waits on the buffoon:
_The joke I found concerned the gloom
Inside a dentist's waiting-room_.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "HE HADN'T BEEN DEAD A WEEK WHEN THEY STARTED
QUARRELLING OVER HIS ESTATE."
"DID HE LEAVE MUCH?" "NO--ONLY THREE GALLONS."]
* * * * *
THE LATEST PARTY.
(_Being the Diary of a well-intentioned Voter_.)
_Monday_. Important article in my morning paper on the serious
political outlook. Recommends the formation of a new party to carry
out progressive reforms and combat the forces of Revolution and
Anarchy. Sounds excellent. The new party is to be called the People's
Party. I decide to join it.
_Tuesday_.--By a fortunate mistake my newsagent placed wrong paper on
my step to-day. Find I was being misled by the sheet I usually take.
A new party to carry out progressive reforms and combat the forces
of Revolution and Anarchy has already been formed. It is called the
National Party. I decide to join it.
_Wednesday_.--Attended public meeting advertised as being in support
of the new party. Expected to hear all about the programme of the
National Party. Instead was urged to join the Modern Party, to carry
out progressive reforms and combat the forces of Revolution and
Anarchy. Signed card before leaving the hall pledging my support.
_Thursday_.--Dined with Brooks, who takes very grave view of the state
of the country. Said what we really want is a new party. Went on
to outline some urgent progressive reforms and mentioned one or two
necessary steps for combating the forces of Revolution and Anarchy.
Suggested that he and I should try to start a local branch of the
Britannic Party. Seemed so enthusiastic that I hadn't the heart to
refuse him.