Punch Volume 102, May 28, 1892 by Various
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Various >> Punch Volume 102, May 28, 1892
"I always like, TOBY," he said, "if I get a chance, to have Monday set
apart for one of my more important speeches. I make a point of going
to the morning service on the day which, happily still, lies 'tween
Saturday and Monday, and I don't know anything more conducive to the
preparation of impromptus than a good sermon read out for space of
twenty minutes; not more, or your wit begins to falter and you repeat
yourself; just twenty minutes. A moderately comfortable pew, a voice
not too loud in the pulpit, a fairly full congregation, and a general
sense that you're doing the right thing and setting an example to your
neighbours. Such circumstances preceding by some twenty-four hours my
rising in the Commons, are calculated to make JOKIM sit up."
[Illustration: Waiting!]
Calculation on this occasion somewhat astray. Rather hard to sit up
all the way through the Squire's speech; an hour and a half long;
bristling with figures; mellifluous with millions, throbbing with
thousands. The Squire is in peculiar degree dependent for success upon
mood of his audience. In crowded House, Members cheering, laughing,
or, if you please, jeering and howling, the Squire improves with every
five minutes of his Speech. To-night House not a quarter full; those
present depressed with consciousness that no real fight meant; Mr. G.
sat it out with some intervals of suspicious quietude. HENRY FOWLER
also faithful found; sitting with folded arms waiting for the time
when a new Chancellor of the Exchequer shall find opening made for
him on a newly-arranged Treasury Bench.
Only JOKIM really listened; nervous, restless, murmuring comment,
muttering contradiction, clutching at himself with strange gestures
reminiscent of hereditary instinct to rend his garments in moments of
tribulation. That was something in recompense for the meditations of
yesterday morning. But as one swallow does not make a summer, neither
does one Minister, however unhappy under criticism, make an audience.
JOKIM followed with a speech scrupulously measured as to length by
that of the Squire's; through the dead unhappy night the rain of talk
fell on the roof, and everyone was glad when midnight, slowly coming,
struck.
_Business done._--Budget Resolutions agreed to.
_Tuesday._--Small Holdings Bill through Committee. Last clause added
amid buzz of admiration from a not too full House.
[Illustration: "In rapt admiration!"]
HAMLEY looked on in rapt admiration.
JESSE COLLINGS rose up and called CHAPLIN blessed.
"Not at all," said CHAPLIN, blushing; "as my friend TOOLE says from
the deck of the Houseboat, anyone could do it."
"The fact is, TOBY," CHAPLIN whispered to me a little later, as we sat
on the Terrace sharing a bottle of gingerbeer imbibed through a couple
of straws, "I've really done a clever thing, only those fellows don't
quite see it. Here we've been for a week pegging away at this Bill,
bargaining and bickering. Sometimes I've yielded a trifle to the
Opposition; sometimes I haven't. But it's pretty much all the same in
the end. The Act will look very well in the Statute Book, and I hope
will help us at the General Election. But as far as practical use
goes, I have sometimes laughed when I look round the Committee and
see Members seriously discussing the thing. Just before the Bill was
printed, Prince ARTHUR asked me when I proposed the Act should come
into operation. 'When are you going to have the General Election?' I
asked, by way of reply. Prince ARTHUR said he couldn't exactly tell
at the moment. 'Very well,' I said; 'let us put it this way. If you're
going to dissolve at the end of June, the Act may as well come into
operation as soon as it receives Royal Assent. But if you postpone
Election over Autumn, better fix date for Act coming into force on the
first of January. 'What d'you mean?' asked ARTHUR. 'I mean just this.
If this Bill's to help us at the General Election, we mustn't give
time for people to find it out.' 'Um!' said ARTHUR, and he can put a
good deal of meaning into the observation."
_Business done._--Small Holdings Bill in Committee.
[Illustration: Admiral Jeremiah Field.]
_Thursday._--Admiral JEREMIAH FIELD pacing quarter-deck, uttering
lamentations over collapse of the Eastbourne stand against the
Salvationists. Bill amending Eastbourne Improvement Act up for
Third Reading. JEREMIAH had proposed to introduce Clause enabling
inhabitants of town to protect themselves against the Sabbath
incursions of a mob in red waistcoats and poke bonnets, with drums,
trumpets also, and shawms. Evidently no use; so the Admiral lowered
his topsails, pulled taut his lee scuppers, and sheered off. "We're
living in flabby times," he complained to sympathetic House.
He heaved one sigh, then he hove-to, and Bill read Third Time.
Truth of Admiral's remark about living in flabby times proved through
rest of Sitting. "Don't," said GEORGE TREVELYAN, yesterday, speaking
about RUSSELL's Amendment on Plurality of Vote Bill--"don't drag this
ghost of a dead red-herring across the path." Only the imagination
of genius could conjure up this terrible vision. Realised it to-night
when Irish Local Government Bill took the floor, and asked to be read
a Second Time. Thought it was as dead as a herring, red or otherwise;
but here's its ghost filling House with gloom. Promise of several
days' cheerful conversation. SEXTON promptly turned on flood of
everlasting talk, hopelessly swamping place to begin with. Here's
a Bill no one believes Government seriously intend to proceed with;
still feel bound, having introduced it, to take Second Reading. Must
show it's not quite so ridiculous as it seemed when, three months
ago, Prince ARTHUR introduced it, and House laughed it off premises.
Sensible course suggested at close of Sitting by WILFRID LAWSOW.
"Scandalous waste of time," he said; "the sooner we finish Debate the
better."
SEXTON full of scorn for the hapless measure. Looked it all over,
and behold! there is no good thing in it. Might have said this in ten
minutes, or at most, quarter of an hour. But temptation to straddle
irresistible; discoursed for full hour and half; talked clean out of
Peers' Gallery FIFE and Earl SPENCER, who had innocently looked in.
MADDEN, not to be outdone, talked for another hour and half; out of a
possible seven hours' debate three appropriated by two speakers. Quite
Maddening. Afterwards, RATHBONE, JOHNSTON (of Ballykilbeg), WEBB,
COGHILL, BLANE, and AMBROSE.
A weary world, my masters!
_Business done._--None.
_Friday._--Morning Sitting for further discussion of Local Government
Bill. Only four Members spoke, each Member at terrible length. At
this rate quite clear, if every Member is to have his say--and why
shouldn't he?--House must sit into August before even Second Reading
stage of Bill is disposed of. Should have been Evening Sitting,
but things rapidly approaching collapse. Members in state of coma.
Couldn't get forty together; and as soon as SPEAKER took chair Counted
Out.
_Business done._--None.
* * * * *
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