Continental Monthly, Vol. I., No. IV., April, 1862 by Various

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'Wanting to make the eyebrows right, pull out the eyes,' said
ACHMET, contentedly. 'And as for your disliking the music,--A
cucumber being given to a poor man, he did not accept it because
it was crooked!'--'Come, let us shut up shop and go to the
mosque. It is fated that we sell no goods to-day. _Wajadna
bira'hmat allah ra'hah_--By the grace of Allah we have found
repose!'

* * * * *

Our correspondent gives us a pun in our last number over again. It is
none the worse, however, for its new coat, as set forth in

GETTING AHEAD OF TIME.

'Well now, I declare, this is too bad. Here it is five minutes
past ten and BUDDEN ain't here. Did anybody ever know that man
to keep an engagement?'

'Yes,' replied the Doctor to the Squire, 'I knew him to keep
one.'

'Let it out,' said the Squire.

'An engagement to get married.'

'Hm!' replied the Squire, looking over his spectacles with the
air of one who had been deceived. At this moment JERRY BUDDEN, a
jolly-looking, fat, middle-aged man entered the office quietly
and coolly, having all the air of one who arrived half an hour
before the appointed time of meeting.

'Got ahead of time this morning, any way,' said Jerry.

'The devil you did!' spoke the Squire, testily; 'you are seven
minutes behind time this morning; you would be behindhand
to-morrow and next day, and so on as long as you live. Confound
it, Jerry, you make me mad with your laziness and coolness.
Ahead of time! why look at that watch!'--Here the Squire,
pulling out a plethoric-looking, smooth gold watch, about the
size of a bran biscuit, held it affectionately in the palm of
his right hand. 'Look at _that_ watch!'

'Nice watch,' said Jerry, 'very nice watch. The best of watches
will sometimes get out of order though. How long since you had
it cleaned?'

The Squire looked indignant, and broke out, 'I've carried that
watch more'n thirty year; I have it cleaned regularly, and it is
always right to a minute, always! It's _you_ that want
regulating.'

'Can't help it,' spoke Jerry; 'I got ahead of time this
morning.'

'Bet you a hat on it,' said the Squire.

'Done!' answered Jerry. And, putting his hand in his pocket, he
deliberately produced the torn page of an old almanac, and,
pointing to part of an engraving of the man with an hour-glass,
said to the Squire,--

'Hain't I got a Head of Time--this morning?'

Jerry now wears a new hat!

* * * * *

'What poor slaves are the American people!' says the Times' own RUSSELL.
'They may abjure kings and princes, but they are ruled by hotel-keepers
and waiters.' The following translation from the Persian shows, however,
that a man may be a king or a prince and a hotel-keeper at the same
time.

A ROYAL HOTEL-KEEPER.

FROM THE PERSIAN. BY HENRY P. LELAND.

IBRAM BEN ADHAM at his palace gate,
Sits, while in line his pages round him wait;
When a poor dervish, staff and sack in hand,
Straight would have entered IBRAM'S palace grand.
'Old man,' the pages asked, 'where goest thou now?'
'In that hotel,' he answered, with a bow.
The pages said,--'Ha! dare you call hotel
A palace, where the King of Balkh doth dwell?'
IBRAM the King next to the dervish spoke:
'My palace a hotel? Pray, where's the joke?'
'Who,' asked the dervish, 'owned this palace first?'
'My grandsire,' IBRAM said, while wrath he nursed.
'Who was the next proprietor?' please say.
'My father:' thus the king replied straightway.
'Who hired it then upon your father's death?'
'I did,' King IBRAM answered, out of breath.
'When you shall die, who shall within it dwell?'
'My son,' the King replied. 'Why ask'st thou? Tell!'
'IBRAM!' then spoke the dervish to him straight,
'I'll answer thee, nor longer make thee wait.
The place where travelers come, and go as well,
Is, really, not a palace, but--hotel!'

Yea, friends; and, as another genial poet has discovered, life itself is
but a hostelrie or tavern, where some get the highest rooms, while
others, of greater social weight, gravitate downwards into the first
story, sinking like gold to the bottom of the hotel pan,--that is O.W.
HOLMES', his idea, reader, not ours. _Apropos_ of HOLMES and kings--his
thousands of reader friends have ere this seen with pleasure that the
Emperor of all the French was not unmindful of one of his
brother-potentates,--in the world of song,--when he paid OLIVER WENDELL
the courteous compliment which has of late gone the rounds, and which
conferred as much honor on the giver as the taker thereof.

* * * * *

The Spring poems have begun. _Vide licet_.

TO AN EARLY BIRD.

In homely phrase we oft are told
'Tis early birds that catch the worms;
But certainly that Spring bird there
Don't half believe the aforesaid terms.

He's sorry that he hither flew,
In hopes a forward March to find,
And towards warm climates, whence he came,
To backward march is sore inclined.

Lured by one ray of sunlight, he
Flew northward to our land of snow;
And now, with frozen toes, he stands
On frozen earth:--the worms--below!

Tu whit! whit! whit! he tries in vain
To whistle in a cheerful way;
He feels he's badly sold, and that--
He came _too early_ in the day.

I sprinkle seed and crumbs around;
He quickly flies and famished eats:--
He would have starved to death had he
Relied on proverb-making cheats.

* * * * *

Of the same up-Springings, in higher vein, we have the following:--

APRIL.

BY ED. SPRAGUE RAND.

Now with the whistling rush of stormy winds,
'Mid weeping skies and smiling, sunny hours,
Comes the young Spring, and scatters, from the pines,
O'er the brown--woodland soft, balsamic showers.

Wake, azure squirrel cups, on grassy hills!
Peep forth, blue violets, upon the heath!
The epigraea from the withered leaves
Sends out the greeting of her perfumed breath.

Nodding anemones within the wood
Shake off the winter's sleep, and haste to greet;
Where in the autumn the blue asters stood,
The saxifrage creeps out, with downy feet.

Nature is waking! From a wreath of snow,
Close by the garden walls, the snowdrop springs;
And the air rings with tender melodies,
Where thro' the dark firs flash the bluebird's wings.

A few days hence, and o'er the distant hills
A tender robe of verdure shall be spread,
And life in myriad forms be manifest,
Where all seemed desolate, and dark, and dead.

E'en now, upon the sunny woodland slopes,
The fair vanessa flits with downy wing;
And in the marshes, with the night's approach,
The merry hylas in full chorus sing.

_Patience_ and _faith_, all will be bright again.
Take from the present, for the future hours,
The tendered promise. In the storm and rain,
Remember suns shine brighter for the showers.

To us, my countrymen, the lesson comes;
Our night of winter dawns in brightest day;
The storm is passing, and the rising sun
Dispels our doubts, drives cloudy fears away.

The sun of freedom, veiled in clouds too long,
Sheds o'er our land its rays of quickening life;
And liberty, our starry banner, waves,
Proclaiming freedom mid the battle's strife.

* * * * *

STRIKING TURPENTINE.

Not a bad story that of the physician, who, vaccinating several medical
students, 'performed the ceremony' for a North Carolinian from the
pitch, tar and turpentine districts. The lancet entering the latter's
arm a little too deep, owing to the Corn-cracker jerking his arm through
nervousness, one of the medical students called out,--

'Take care there, doctor, if you don't look out you'll strike
turpentine.'

The Corn-cracker--full of spirit--wanted to fight.

We should have handed this anecdote over to X., who travels through the
Pines, that he might pronounce on its authenticity. The following,
however, we know to be true--on the word of a very _spirituelle_ dame,
long resident in the Old North State. When the present war first sent
its murmurs over the South, an old bushman earnestly denied that it
'would ruin everything.' 'Kin it stop the turpentime from running?' he
triumphantly cried. 'In course not. Then what difference _kin_ it make
to _the country_?'

* * * * *

The following sketch, 'Hiving the Bees and what came of it,' from a
valued friend and correspondent in New Haven, is a humorous and truthful
picture of the old-fashioned rural 'discipline' once so general and now
so rapidly becoming a thing of the past:--

HIVING BEES AND WHAT CAME OF IT.

When a boy at school in the town of G----I became acquainted
with old Deacon Hubbard and his wife--two as good Christian
people as could be found, simple in their manners and
kind-hearted. The deacon was 'well to do in the world,' having a
fine farm, a pleasant house, and, with his quiet way of living,
apparently everything to make him comfortable.

He took great delight in raising bees, and the product of his
hives was every year some hundreds of pounds of honey, for which
there was always a ready market, though he frequently gave away
large quantities among his neighbors.

One Sunday morning, when passing the place of Deacon Hubbard on
my way to meeting, I saw the deacon in his orchard near his
house, apparently in great trouble about something in one of
his apple trees. I crossed the road to the fence and called to
him, and asked him what was the matter. He was a very
conscientious man, and would not do anything on the Lord's day
that could be done on any other; but he cried, 'Oh, dear! my
bees are swarming, and I shall surely lose them. If I was a
young man I could climb the tree and save them, but I am too old
for that.' I jumped over the fence, and as I approached him he
pointed to a large dark mass of something suspended from the
limb of an apple tree, which to me was a singular-looking
object, never having before seen bees in swarming time. I had
great curiosity to see the operation of hiving, and suggested
that perhaps I could help him, though at the time afraid the
bees would sting me for my trouble. The gratification to be
derived I thought would repay the risk, and calling to mind some
lines I had heard,--

'Softly, gently touch a nettle,
It will sting thee for thy pains;
Grasp it like a man of mettle,
Soft and harmless it remains,--'

I told him that I would assist him. He assured me that if I
could only get a rope around the limb above and fasten it to the
one on which the bees were, then saw off that limb and lower it
down, he could secure them without much trouble.

With saw and rope in hand I ascended the tree, and, after due
preparation, severed the limb and carefully lowered it within
the deacon's reach. I was surprised, and felt repaid for my
trouble, to see with what ease and unconcern Dea. Hubbard, with
his bare hands, scooped and brushed the swarm of bees into a
sheet he had prepared, and how readily he got them into a vacant
hive. Many thanks did the deacon proffer me for my timely
assistance, and moreover insisted on my staying with him to
dine. It seemed to me that I was never in a more comfortable
house, and I am sure I never received a more cordial greeting
than that bestowed upon me by his venerable spouse.

The place where I boarded with several other boys was with a
widow lady by the name of White, who was very kind to me, but
who had the misfortune to have had three husbands, and her
daughters did not all revere the memory of the same father, and
consequently there were oftentimes differences among them.

For several days after this transaction I had noticed on the
table at our daily meal a nice dish of honey, an unusual treat,
but to which we boys paid due respect.

My term at school expired, and I went home to my father's, a
distance of some thirty miles, and assisted him on the farm
during the fall months, employing much of my leisure time in
studying.

My father was a stern, straight-forward man--a member of the
Orthodox church, and one who professed to believe in all the
proprieties of life, and endeavored to impress the same on the
minds of his children.

One day, after dinner, he said to me, in his stern way of
speaking,--'Gilbert, what kind of scrape did you get into in
G----?'

For my life I could not tell what I had been doing, and had but
little chance to think, ere he tossed a letter across the table
and said, 'Read that, and tell me what it means!' The letter was
directed to me, but he had exercised his right to open and read
it for me. It was from G----, and signed by the four deacons of
the church there, asking explicit answers to the following
questions:--1st. Did you help Deacon Hubbard hive his bees? 2d.
If so, did you receive any remuneration from him for your
services? 3d. Will you state what it was? You are expected to
answer the questions fully.'

'What have you to say to that, young man?' said my father, with
more than usual sternness; and I began to think that I had got
into some kind of difficulty.

I told him that I would answer the letter, so went to my room
and wrote, saying that I _did_ help Deacon Hubbard hive his
bees, and that I _had_ been paid a thousand times by the many
acts of kindness of himself and wife, and should always feel
happy in doing anything for them that I could.

As my father read this letter I had written, I noticed a smile
on his countenance, which lasted but an instant, when he said,
'You may send it; but I want to know what this scrape is, and I
will.'

A few days after the reply was sent, another letter arrived from
the four deacons, stating that I had not been explicit enough in
my answer, and wanted me to say, 1st. Whether I had helped
Deacon Hubbard hive his bees on Sunday. 2d. Whether I had ever
received from him a large pan of honey in the comb? 3d. Whether
my father was a member of the church? 4th. Whether he would give
his consent for me to come to G---- on business of great
importance if they would pay my expenses, and how soon I could
come?

It was cold weather, several months after I left G----, when
this letter came to hand, and I did not fancy a ride of thirty
miles at that time; I however had permission to promise that I
would be there on the first Monday in May, which was the day of
'General Training,' and a great day at that period. In my answer
to the second letter I said that I thought I had answered their
first question sufficiently before; and in answer to the second
I would say, that I had never received any honey from Deacon
Hubbard; to the third, that my father was a member of the
church; and to the fourth, that I would come there on the day
named above.

The first Monday in May was a bright and lovely day, and at an
early hour I mounted a horse and started for G----, arriving
there before noon. On my way into the village I had to pass the
house of Deacon Hubbard, who, knowing that I was expected that
day, was looking for my approach, and as I drew near the house I
saw his venerable form in the road. It was my intention to pass
his house without being seen, but that was impossible. He
insisted on my going into the house. His good wife met me at the
door with a cordial greeting, but, with tearful eyes, said she
feared there was some dreadful trouble in store for me, for the
deacons of the church had been watching for me all the morning.
After explaining as well as I could the reason of my visit, with
the little information I had, Deacon Hubbard exclaimed--'Well, I
don't know but they'll make you walk the church aisle, for
there's some trouble somewhere.' We had but little time for
conversation before Mrs. H. saw the venerable deacons
approaching the house; and I shall never forget the solemn look
and steps with which they advanced, the senior deacon, Flagg,
leading the procession. As they were ushered into the front room
they seated themselves in a row according to their respective
ages, each wearing the solemn countenance of a Pilgrim father.
When I entered the room they all arose and took me by the hand,
thanking me for faithfully keeping my promise, and hoped the
Lord would reward me therefor. Deacon Flagg, after a few
preliminary remarks, said: 'Young man, there has been a grievous
sin committed among the Lord's anointed in our church, and we
have sent for you that we may be enabled to detect the erring
one! and we hope you will so far consider the importance of the
matter as to answer truly the questions that may be propounded
to you. My young friend, will you have the goodness to say, in
the hearing of our good brother, Deacon Hubbard, whether or not
you ever received from him a present of a large pan of honey for
helping him hive his bees?'

I answered that I never had. All eyes were turned on Deacon H.,
and an audible groan came from Deacon Harris as I made my reply.
Deacon Flagg addressed me as follows:--'My youthful friend, will
you be willing to accompany these gentlemen to the house of
sister White, and say the same before her?' I was willing,
provided my friend Deacon Hubbard would go along, which he
consented to do, and we started.

It was but a short way across the Common, and ours was a solemn,
silent procession, and I must have appeared like a very culprit.
On nearing the house, Deacon Flagg said he would first enter and
inform sister White of our business, and return when she was
ready to receive us. He returned in a short time, with a longer
face than before, and as he approached us, clasping his hands,
he said with an agonized tone, 'Dear brethren, Oh! it is all too
true! Satan entered her heart,--she coveted the honey,--and
fell.' A groan of holy horror came from all the good old men. It
was not necessary for us to enter the abode of wickedness, he
said, for she would confess all.

The whole proceeding had been a mystery to me, but I soon
learned that the next day after hiving the bees, Deacon Hubbard
had sent a large pan of honey to sister White's house, intended
for me, but she gave us boys a little for a few days and put the
rest away; or, as she afterwards said, she coveted it, and said
nothing to me about it; and I should probably have known nothing
of it had it not been for a disagreement between herself and
daughters about a division of the honey, which finally got to be
a church matter.

Deacon Hubbard insisted on my going to dine with him; so, with a
parting shake of the hand with the other four venerable men, we
started for his house. Such a feast as dame Hubbard had provided
on that occasion boys do not often see; substantial food enough
for half a score of men, aside from the pies and plum pudding
which made their appearance in due course; and in front of the
dish assigned to me was a dish of the purest honey. After dinner
Deacon Hubbard took me to see his bees, and explained many
things in relation to them curious and instructive, promising
more information on the subject if he could prevail upon me to
remain in G---- till the next morning. The fatigue of the long
ride that day, and my desire to see a little of the 'Training,'
decided me to remain over night.

In the morning my horse was fresh, having been well taken care
of by my friend; so, after a hearty breakfast, I bade adieu to
the good couple, with a pleasant recollection of their
hospitality and kindness. When ready to start, dame Hubbard,
with the best intentions, brought me a large pail of honey,
wishing I would carry it home to my parents, but as it was
impossible for me to carry it on horseback, I had to decline.

It was near noon the next day when I reached home, and my first
greeting from my father was, 'Well, Gilbert, now let me know
about the scrape you got into last summer in G----.'

I told him all I had learned about the matter, to which be
expressed his pleasure that it was no worse, and gave me much
good advice as to the future.

A few weeks after I readied home there was a large tub of honey
left at my father's house, with a letter for me, informing me
that sister White had been expelled from the church in G---- for
covetousness; that my friends the Hubbards were well; that the
four deacons spoke very highly in my praise, and hoped I would
_feel rewarded_ for the trouble I had taken. Years have passed
since the matters here mentioned took place, but up to this time
nothing has been said to me about 'paying my expenses.'

JAY G. BEE.

* * * * *

Mrs. Malaprop founded a school which has been prolific in disciples.
From one of these we learn that--

Old Mr. P. died a short time ago, much to the regret of his many
friends, for he was a good neighbor, and had always lived
honestly and uprightly among his fellow-men. At the time of his
funeral Mrs. L. was sorrowing for his loss, with others of her
sex, and paid the following tribute to his memory:

'Poor Mr. P., he was a good man, a kind man, and a Christian
man--he always lived _according to_ HOYLE, and died with the
hope of a blessed immortality.'

'Played the wrong card there.'

* * * * *

ADAM'S FAMILY JARS.

IN CRACKED NUMBERS.

One fact is fundamental,
One truth is rudimental;
Before man had the rental
Of this dwelling of a day,
He was in nothing mental,
But an image-man of clay.

In the ground
Was the image found;
Of the ground
Was it molded round;
And empty of breath,
And still as in death,
Inside not a ray,
Outside only clay,
Deaf and dumb and blind,
Deadest of the kind,
There it lay.

Unto what was it like? In its shape it was what?
The world says 'a man,'--but the world is mistaken.
To revive the old story, a long time forgot,
'Twasn't man that was made, but a pot that was baken.

And what if it was human-faced like the Sphinx?
There's no riddle to solve, whate'er the world thinks:
The fiat that made it, from its heels to its hair,
Wasn't simply 'Be man!' but 'Stand up and Be Ware!'

And straightway acknowledging its true kith and kin
With that host of things known to be hollow within,
It took up a stand with its handles akimbo,
Bowels and bosom in a cavernous limbo.

Curving out at the bottom, it swelled to a jig;
Curving in at the top, narrow-necked, to the mug;
Two sockets for sunshine in the frontispiece placed,
A crack just below--merely a matter of taste;
A flap on each side hiding holes of resounding,
For conveyance within of noises surrounding;
And a nozzle before,
All befitted to snore,
Was a part of the ware
For adornment and air.

Now for what was this slender and curious mold?
Had it no purpose? Had it nothing to hold?
A world full of meaning, my friend, if 'twere told.
You remember those jars in the Arabian Night,
As they stood 'neath the stars in Al' Baba's eyesight:
Little dreamed Ali Baba what ajar could excite--
For how much did betide
When a man was inside!
When from under each cover a man was to spring,
Where then was the empty, insignificant thing?
It was so with this jar,
'Twasn't hollow by far;
Breathless at first as an exhausted receiver,
When the air was let in, lo! man, the achiever!

But an accident happened, a cruel surprise;
How frail proved the man, and how very unwise!
As if plaster of Paris, and not Paradise,
No more of clay consecrate,
He broke up disconsolate,
Pot-luck for his fortune, though the world's potentate.

It brings to our memory that Indian camp,
Where men lay in ambush, every one with a lamp,
Each light darkly hid in a vessel of clay,
Till the sword should be drawn, and then on came the fray.
'Twas so in the fortunes of this queer earthen race,
(It happened before they were more than a brace).
The fact of a fall
Did break upon all!
The lamp of each life being uncovered by sin,
The pitcher was broken, and the devil pitched in!

So much for his story to the moment he erred,
From what dignified pot he became a pot-sherd.
Since that day the great world,
Like a wheel having twirled,
Hath replenished the earth from the primitive pair,
And turned into being every species of ware.

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