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The trouble produced international jealousies.

The international jealousies produced war.

Then the war proceeded to destroy the women and babies, because it was
through woman in the beginning that war became possible.

MATRIMONIAL ENDURANCE

A happily married woman, who had enjoyed thirty-three years of wedlock,
and who was the grandmother of four beautiful little children, had an
amusing old colored woman for a cook.

One day when a box of especially beautiful flowers was left for the
mistress the cook happened to be present, and she said: "Yo' husband
send you all the pretty flowers you gits, Missy?"

"Certainly, my husband, mammy," proudly answered the lady.

"Glory!" exclaimed the cook, "he suttenly am holdin' out well."

MISSING IT

The folks in the southern part of Arkansas are not noted for their
speed.

A man and his wife were sitting on their porch when a funeral procession
passed the house. The man was comfortably seated in a chair that was
tilted back against the house, and was whittling a piece of wood. As the
procession passed, he said:

"I reckon ol' man Williams has got about the biggest funeral that's ever
been held around hyer, Caroline."

"A purty good-sized one, is it, Bud?" queried the wife, making no effort
to move.

"Certainly is!" Bud answered.

"I surely would like to see it," said the woman. "What a pity I ain't
facin' that way!"

THE OBVIOUS PLACE

What is known in a certain town as "A Shop Carnival" was being held, and
little girls represented the various shops. One, dressed in a white
muslin frock gaily strung with garlands of bonbons, advertised the local
sweet shop.

When the festival began she fairly glistened with attractive
confectionery, but as time wore on her decorations grew less. Finally,
at the end of the last act, not a bonbon was to be seen.

"Why, Dora," cried the stage manager, "where in the world are all your
decorations? Have you lost them?"

"Oh, no," replied Dora; "they're perfectly safe. I'm wearing them
inside."

THEIR OPPORTUNITY

In war times Cupid is not only active but overworked, and people who
have never loved before do not wait upon ceremony. In the spring of
1918, a certain rector, just before the service, was called to the
vestibule to meet a couple who wanted to be married. He explained that
there wasn't time for the ceremony then. "But," said he, "if you will be
seated I will give you an opportunity at the end of the service for you
to come forward, and I will then perform the ceremony."

The couple agreed, and after a stirring war sermon at the proper moment
the clergyman said: "Will those who wish to be united in the holy bond
of matrimony please come forward?"

Thereupon thirteen women and one man proceeded to the altar.

DOING HIS DUTY, BUT--

That time-honored subject the wife who talks and the husband who endures
never ceases to be a source of inspiration to the humorist, and it is
truly astonishing how many new ways it can be treated:

One day the telephone bell rang with anxious persistence. The doctor
answered the call of a tired husband.

"Yes?" he said.

"Oh, doctor," said a worried voice, "something seems to have happened to
my wife. Her mouth seems set and she can't say a word."

"Why, she may have lockjaw," said the medical man.

"Do you think so? Well, if you are up this way some time next week you
might step in and see what you can do for her."

ANTICIPATING THE PLEASURE

Will Hogg of Texas says that down in Houston one Monday morning a Negro
boy in his employ came to him with a request.

"Boss," said the darky, "I'd lak to git off nex' Friday fur the day."

"What for?" inquired Hogg.

"Got to go to a fun'el."

"Whose funeral is it?"

"My uncle's."

"When did your uncle die?"

"Lawd, boss, he ain't daid yit!"

"Then how do you know his funeral is going to take place on Friday?"

"'Case dey's gwine hang him Thursday!"

HIS COMPLAINT

To be truthful and at the same time diplomatic is one of the rarest of
combinations, and only a small boy would be equal to it:

Johnny's manners had been improving at home, but at what a cost to his
appetite when he had an invitation to dine at a boy friend's house! His
hostess said, concernedly, when dessert was reached, "You refuse a
second helping of pie? Are you suffering from indigestion, Johnny?" "No,
ma'am; politeness."

PUTTING IT UP TO THE HORSE

Pat had just joined a horse regiment, and was undergoing the necessary
practice in the riding school. After a particularly desperate attempt to
unseat its rider, the horse managed to entangle a hoof in one of the
stirrups.

"Begorra," said Pat, "if you're comin' on, then I'm gettin' off!"

THE WORM TURNED

A party of engineers were tracing a township line across some farm lands
in Illinois. As chance would have it, the line passed directly through a
large barn having double doors on each side of it, and they found they
could continue their measurements through the barn by opening the doors
and thus avoiding the dreaded detour. The owner watched their progress
with considerable interest, but made no comment until they had reached
the farther side of the barn, when he asked:

"Thet a railroad ye-all surveyin' fer?"

"Certainly," replied the chief.

The farmer meditated a bit as he closed the barn doors behind them, when
he remarked, somewhat aggressively, "I hain't got no objections ter
havin' er railroad on my farm, but I'll be darned ef I'm goin' ter git
up at all hours of the night ter open and shet them doors fer yer train
ter go through!"

MAKES A DIFFERENCE

The German may understand his own point of view, but he hates
exceedingly to have that point of view taken, even in part, by any one
else.

An official who has scrutinized the reports made by German diplomatic
representatives to their Government before the declaration of war
furnishes this extract from one of them:

"The Americans are very rough. If you call one of them a liar he does
not argue the matter after the manner of a German gentleman, but
brutally knocks you down. The Americans have absolutely no _Kultur_."

SOLVING A GREAT PROBLEM

The whole Irish question, and its perfect solution--at least from one
side--is summed up by the reply given by an Irishman to a professor,
who, when they chanced to meet, said:

"Pat, tell me, now, what is your solution to the world problem?"

"Well, sor," replied Pat, "I think we should have a world
democracy--with an Irishman for king!"

DIAGNOSED

Starting with a wonderful burst of oratory, the great evangelist had,
after two hours' steady preaching, become rather hoarse.

A little boy's mother in the congregation whispered to her son, "Isn't
it wonderful? What do you think of him?"

"He needs a new needle," returned the boy sleepily.

GETTING EVEN

The captain and the mate on board the _Pretty Polly_ were at
loggerheads. They scowled whenever they met, and seized opportunities of
scoring off each other with fearful glee. Each took a turn at making the
day's entries in the log-book, and the mate, when making his entries,
was very surprised to find, in the captain's handwriting, the words:

"June 2nd, 1917.--Mate drunk."

He stared at it wrathfully a moment, then a slow grin broke over his
face. He took his pen and wrote:

"June 3rd, 1917.--Captain sober."

KNEW HIS BUSINESS

A bellhop passed through the hall of the St. Francis Hotel whistling
loudly.

"Young man," said Manager Woods sternly, "you should know that it is
against the rules of this hotel for an employee to whistle while on
duty."

"I am not whistling, sir," replied the boy, "I'm paging Mrs. Jones's
dog."

THEN THINGS HAPPENED

Though she was old she wasn't by any means incapable of supporting
herself; and at the fresh, youthful age of seventy-nine she went into
the business of providing teas for perspiring cyclists, and storing the
cycles of those travellers who decided that they had better return by
train. Her first customers were four young men who left their cycles in
her charge while they explored the neighborhood. For each cycle she gave
them a ticket with a number upon it.

Late at night the tourists returned.

The old woman led them to their cycles with a smile of self-satisfaction
on her face.

"You'll know which is which," she told them, "because I've fastened
duplicate tickets on them."

They gratefully thanked her; and when they found their cycles they
discovered that the tickets were neatly pinned into each back tire!

WASN'T CALLING HER DEAR

Desirous of buying a camera, a certain fair young woman inspected the
stock of a local shopkeeper.

"Is this a good one?" she asked, as she picked up a dainty little
machine. "What is it called?"

"That's the Belvedere," said the handsome young shopman politely.

There was a chilly silence. Then the young woman drew herself coldly
erect, fixed him with an icy stare, and asked again:

"Er--and can you recommend the Belva?"

SOMETHING!

A young Irishman recently applied for a job as life-saver at the
municipal baths.

As he was about six feet six inches tall and well built, the chief
life-saver gave him an application blank to fill out.

"By the way," said the chief life-saver, "can you swim?"

"No," replied the applicant, "but I wade like blazes!"

NOT ENOUGH SCENERY

The Negro stevedores of the southern states of the American Union have
been conscripted and shipped in great numbers to ports in France for
unloading the incoming American steamers. Their cheerfulness has quite
captivated the gayety loving French, who never tire of listening to
their laughter and their ragtime songs. When the "bosses" want to get a
dockyard job done in double-quick time they usually order a brass band
to play lively Negro tunes alongside the ship. Every stevedore thereupon
"steps lively," and apparently his heavy labor becomes to him a light
and joyous task. One stevedore, to whom the Atlantic voyage had been a
test, exclaimed: "Mah goodness! Ah never knew dere was so much water
between dem tew countries! Dere ain't enuf scenery for me, no sah, an'
if de United States don't build a bridge across dat dere Atlantic, Ah's
agwine to be a Frenchman for life."

IAN HAY'S FATE

Captain "Ian Hay," on one of his war lecture tours, entered a barber's
shop in a small town to have his hair cut.

"Stranger in the town, sir?" the barber asked.

"Yes, I am," Ian Hay replied. "Anything going on here to-night?"

"There's a war lecture by an English fighter named Hay," said the
barber; "but if you go you'll have to stand, for every seat in the hall
is sold out."

"Well, now," said Ian Hay, "isn't that provoking? It's always my luck to
have to stand when that chap Hay lectures."

CAMOUFLAGE

After a "push" some of the lads of the Northumberland Fusiliers who
entered one of the captured villages set about making things comfortable
for themselves. Seeing a large wooden box some distance away, they made
tracks to commandeer it On the way back an officer met them and queried:

"Here, lads, where are you going with that?"

"This old egg-box, sir--we're taking it along to our dug-out, sir," one
of them explained.

"Egg-box be hanged!" retorted the officer.

"Why, that's the general's roll-top desk!"

HAPPY ENDING WANTED

A charming, auburn-haired nurse tells the story. She bent over the bed
of one badly wounded man and asked him if he would like anything to
read. The soldier fixed a humorous eye on her and said, "Miss, can you
get me a nice novel? I'd like one about a golden-haired girl and a
wounded soldier with a happy ending." After this the pretty nurse looks
down contemptuously on civilian compliments.

A SKEPTIC

A colored Baptist was exhorting. "Now, breddern and sistern, come up to
de altar and have yo' sins washed away."

All came up but one man.

"Why, Brudder Jones, don't yo' want yo' sins washed away?"

"I done had my sins washed away."

"Yo' has? Where yo' had yo' sins washed away?"

"Ober at de Methodist church."

"Ah, Brudder Jones, yo' ain't been washed, yo' jes' been dry cleaned."

A PERSON OF DISCERNMENT

A Quaker had got himself into trouble with the authorities, and a
constable called to escort him to the lock-up.

"Is your husband in?" he inquired of the good wife who came to the door.

"My husband will see thee," she replied. "Come in."

The officer entered, was bidden to make himself at home, and was
hospitably entertained for half an hour, but no husband appeared. At
last he grew impatient.

"Look here," said he, "I thought you said your husband would see me."

"He has seen thee," was the calm reply, "but he did not like thy look,
and so he's gone another way."

AN OLD HAND

After two months at Rockford Private Nelson got his leave at last, and
made what he conceived to be the best use of his holiday by getting
married.

On the journey back at the station he gave the gateman his marriage
certificate in mistake for his return railway ticket.

The official studied it carefully, and then said: "Yes, my boy, _you've_
got a ticket for a long, wearisome journey, but not on this road."

A TRUE OPTIMIST

It was Christmas Eve in camp, and very cold at that. There was a certain
amount of confusion owing to the Christmas festivities and leave, and so
forth, and one man was unable to find any of his outer garments. He
wandered about, asking all his mates if they knew where they were.

"Has any one seen my b-b-blanket?" he demanded, and was told that no one
had.

"Has any one seen my t-t-trousers?"

No answer.

The unfortunate Tommy scratched his head for a moment.

"Well, I'm jolly g-g-glad I have got a nice w-w-warm pair of
sus-sus-suspenders."

TIT FOR TAT

The young couple were dawdling over a late breakfast after a night at an
ultra smart party.

"Was it you I kissed in the conservatory last night?" hubby inquired.

She looked at him reminiscently: "About what time was it?"

TOO GOOD TO BE WASTED

A lady of great beauty and attractiveness, who was an ardent admirer of
Ireland, once crowned her praise of it at a party by saying:

"I think I was meant for an Irishwoman."

"Madam," rejoined a witty son of Erin, who happened to be present,
"thousands would back me in saying you were meant for an Irishman."

HE UNDERSTOOD

The pale-faced passenger looked out of the car window with exceeding
interest. Finally he turned to his seat mate.

"You likely think I never rode in the cars before," he said, "but the
fact is, pardner, I just got out of prison this mornin' and it does me
good to look around. It is goin' to be mighty tough, though, facin' my
old-time friends. I s'pose, though, you ain't got much idea how a man
feels in a case like that."

"Perhaps I have a better idea of your feelings than you think," said the
other gentleman, with a sad smile. "I am just getting home from
Congress."

TOUCHY

Lysander, a farm hand, was recounting his troubles to a neighbor. Among
other things he said that the wife of the farmer who employed him was
"too close for any use." "This very mornin'," said he, "she asked me:
'Lysander, do you know how many pancakes you have et this mornin'?' I
said, 'No, ma'am; I ain't had no occasion to count 'em,' 'Well,' says
she, 'that last one was the twenty-sixth.' And it made me so mad I jest
got up from the table and went to work without my breakfast!"

THE INTELLIGENT CAT

Two suburban gardeners were swearing vengeance on cats.

"It appears to me," one said, "that they seem to pick out your choicest
plants to scratch out of the ground."

"There's a big tomcat," the other said, "that fetches my plants out and
then sits and actually defies me."

"Why don't you hurl a brick at him?" asked the first speaker.

"That's what makes me mad," was the reply. "I can't. He gets on top of
my greenhouse to defy me."

PRIDE

A little boy was on his knees recently one night, and auntie, staying at
the house, was present.

"It is a pleasure," she said to him, afterward, "to hear you saying your
prayers so well. You speak so earnestly and seriously, and mean what you
say, and care about it."

"Ah!" he answered, "ah, but, auntie, you should hear me gargle!"

ROBBING HIMSELF

"Germany's claim that she imports nothing, buys only of herself, and so
is growing rich from the war, is a dreadful fallacy."

The speaker was Herbert C. Hoover, chairman of the American Food Board.

"Germany," he went on, "is like the young man who wisely thought he'd
grow his own garden stuff. This young man had been digging for about an
hour when his spade turned up a quarter. Ten minutes later he found
another quarter. Then he found a dime. Then he found a quarter again.

"'By gosh!' he said, 'I've struck a silver mine,' and, straightening up,
he felt something cold slide down his leg. Another quarter lay at his
feet. He grasped the truth: There was a hole in his pocket."

PESSIMISTS

Out at the front two regiments, returning to the trenches, chanced to
meet. There was the usual exchange of wit.

"When's the bloomin' war goin' to end?" asked one north-country lad.

"Dunno," replied one of the south-shires. "We've planted some daffydils
in front of our trench."

"Bloomin' optimists!" snorted the man from the north. "We've planted
acorns."

DELAYED

The way they take air raids in England is illustrated by the following
conversation from _Punch_:

"Just ask Dr. Jones to run round to my place right away. Our cook's
fallen downstairs--broke her leg; the housemaid's got chicken-pox, and
my two boys have been knocked down by a taxi."

"I'm sorry, sir, but the doctor was blown up in yesterday's air raid,
and he won't be down for a week."

HOW MARY LOST A TIP

Soon after a certain judge of the Supreme Court of Rhode Island had been
appointed he went down into one of the southern counties to sit for a
week. He was well satisfied with himself.

"Mary," he said to the Irish waitress at the hotel where he was
stopping, "you've been in this country how long?"

"Two years, sir," she said.

"Do you like it?"

"Sure, it's well enough," answered Mary.

"But, Mary," the judge continued, "you have many privileges in this
country which you'd not have in Ireland. Now at home you would never be
in a room with a justice of the Supreme Court, and chatting familiarly
with him."

"But, sure, sir," said Mary, quite in earnest, "you'd never be a judge
at home."

A LITTLE TOO THRIFTY

Secretary of War Baker tells a story of a country youth who was driving
to the county fair with his sweetheart when they passed a booth where
fresh popcorn was for sale.

"My! Abner, ain't that nice?" said the girl.

"Ain't what nice?" asked Abner.

"Why, the popcorn, it smells so awfully good," replied the girl.

"It does smell kind o' fine," drawled the youth. "I'll jest drive a
little closer so you can get a better smell."

BEYOND HIM

A young couple, speeding along the country highway, were stopped by the
justice of the peace.

"Ten and costs for reckless driving," announced the justice.

"Listen," said the young man, "judge, we were on our way to have you
marry us."

"Twenty and costs, then!" cried the justice. "You're more reckless than
I thought you were."

ITS NAME

In a kindergarten class flags were shown, and in answer to a question a
little girl gave the response that was expected of her: "This is the
flag of my country."

"And what is the name of your country?" was the next question.

"'Tis of thee," was the prompt reply.

THE ORIGINAL METHOD

Katherine and Margaret found themselves seated next each other at a
dinner-party and immediately became confidential.

"Molly told me that you told her that secret I told you not to tell
her," whispered Margaret.

"Oh, isn't she a mean thing!" gasped Katherine. "Why, I told her not to
tell you!"

"Well," returned Margaret, "I told her I wouldn't tell you she told
me--so don't tell her I did."

GIVE US THE CHANCE

When Booth Tarkington was visiting Naples he was present at an eruption
of Vesuvius.

"You haven't anything like that in America, have you?" said an Italian
friend with pride.

"No, we haven't," replied Tarkington; "but we've got Niagara Falls that
would put the d----d thing out in five minutes."

A DELIGHTFUL EXPERIENCE!

We often take delight in fancying what we would do if things were really
reversed in this oftentimes trying world: and particularly what we would
do to the president of our bank. Here is a little story which gives the
pleasant variety:

"I have come in to borrow some money from you," said the bank president
timidly, as he stood before one of his depositors, nervously twirling
his hat in his hand.

"Ah, yes," said the depositor, gazing at him severely. "But you don't
expect to get it, do you?"

"I had hoped to."

"What collateral have you to offer?"

"My bank with all the money in it."

"All the people in the bank?"

"Yes."

"Please say 'Yes, sir.' It is more respectful."

"Thank you, sir."

"Um! Ah! Will you put in your own family?"

"Yes, sir, I'll throw in my family also."

"Your prospects in life? Don't hesitate, man. Remember you are up
against it."

"Well, yes, sir."

"How much money do you want?"

"One thousand dollars."

"Dear me! For such a small amount as that I shall have to charge you at
least six per cent. If you were a regular millionaire and wanted, say,
half a million, I could let you have it for three or four per cent."

"Yes, sir. I appreciate your generosity."

The depositor handed the president of the bank, who was now almost
completely bathed in a cold perspiration, a blank form.

"Here," he said, "sign this."

"Do you wish me to read it first, sir?"

"What! Read something you wouldn't understand anyway? No. I'll tell you
what's in it. It mortgages yourself, your bank, all the people in it,
your family, all your property, and your soul Sign here."

The bank president signed with trembling fingers, got a piece of paper
which entitled him to the privilege of entertaining a thousand dollars
for six months at his own expense, and withdrew.

Then the depositor, smiling to himself and rubbing his hands, said:

"Aha! I'll teach these fellows to know their places!"

DAD WAS WISE

When the conversation turned to the subject of romantic marriage this
little anecdote was volunteered by H.M. Asker, a North Dakota
politician:

"So you were married ten years ago. Took place in the church, I suppose,
with bridesmaids, flowers, cake, and the brass band?"

"No; it was an elopement."

"An elopement, eh? Did the girl's father follow you?"

"Yes, and he has been with us ever since."

KINDNESS

Private Simpkins had returned from the front, to find that his girl had
been walking out with another young man, and naturally asked her to
explain her frequent promenades in the town with the gentleman.

"Well, dear," she replied, "it was only kindness on his part. He just
took me down every day to the library to see if you were killed."

MORE SCOTCH THRIFT

Harry Lauder tells the following story about a funeral in Glasgow and a
well-dressed stranger who took a seat in one of the mourning coaches.
The other three occupants of the carriage were rather curious to know
who he was, and at last one of them began to question him. The dialogue
went like this:

"Ye'll be a brither o' the corp?"

"No, I'm no' a brither o' the corp."

"Weel, ye'll be his cousin?"

"No, I'm no' a cousin."

"At ony rate ye'll be a frien' o' the corp?"

"No, I'm no' that either. Ye see, I've no' been very weel masel," the
stranger explained complacently, "an' my doctor has ordered me carriage
exercise, so I thocht this would be the cheapest way to tak' it."

WORTH A CHANCE

The small boy stood at the garden gate and howled and howled and howled.
A passing lady paused beside him.

"What's the matter, little man?" she asked in a kindly voice.

"O-o-oh!" wailed the youngster. "Pa and ma won't take me to the pictures
to-night."

"But don't make such a noise," said the dame, admonishingly. "Do they
ever take you when you cry like that?"

"S-sometimes they do, an'--an' sometimes they d-d-don't," bellowed the
boy. "But it ain't no trouble to yell!"

CHANGE FOR THE BETTER

"We were bounding along," said a recent traveller on a local South
African single-line railway, "at the rate of about seven miles an hour,
and the whole train was shaking terribly. I expected every moment to see
my bones protruding through my skin. Passengers were rolling from one
end of the car to the other. I held on firmly to the arms of the seat.
Presently we settled down a bit quieter; at least I could keep my hat on
and my teeth didn't chatter.

"There was a quiet-looking man opposite me. I looked up with a ghastly
smile, wishing to appear cheerful, and said:

"'We are going a bit smoother, I see.'

"'Yes,' he said, 'we're off the track now,'"

BIG CHANCES BOTH WAYS

The famous physician and the eminent clergyman were deep in a discussion
which threatened to become acrimonious.

"You see," said the minister sarcastically, "you medical men know so
much about the uncertainties of this world that I should think you would
not want to live."

"Oh, I don't know," responded the physician caustically. "You clergymen
tell us so much about the uncertainties of the next world that we don't
want to die."

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