Best Short Stories by Various

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AN UNFORTUNATE AFFAIR

"Look here," yelled the infuriated bridegroom of a day, dashing wildly
into the editor's room of the country weekly; "what do you mean by such
an infernal libel on me in your account of our wedding?"

"What's the matter?" asked the editor calmly. "Didn't we say that after
your wedding tour you would make your home at the Old Manse?"

"Yes," howled the newly made benedict, "and just see how you've spelled
it."

And the editor looked and read:

After their wedding tour the newly married couple will
make their home at the Old Man's.

CURIOSITY

"Children," said the Sunday-school superintendent, "this picture
illustrates to-day's lesson: Lot was warned to take his wife and
daughters and flee out of Sodom. Here are Lot and his daughters, with
his wife just behind them; and there is Sodom in the background. Now,
has any girl or boy a question before we take up the study of the
lesson? Well, Susie?"

"Pleathe, thir," lisped the latest graduate from the infant class,
"where ith the flea?"

THE SIMPLE POLITICAL LIFE

The American characteristic which demands ornaments and "fixin's" to all
ceremonies, as contrasted with genuine simplicity, is thus scored by
Judge Pettingill of Chanute:

"My ambition in life," said the Judge, "is to be the organizer of a
lodge without flub-dub, gold tassel uniforms, red tape ritual, a
regiment of officers with high-sounding titles, a calisthenic drill of
idiotic signs and grips, a goat, and members who call each other
'brother.' I would name the presiding officer 'it,' and its first by-law
would provide for the expulsion of the member who advocated the wearing
of a lodge pin."

PIGTAILS AND MOUSTACHES

When Wu Ting Fang was Minister to the United States from China, he
visited Chicago. A native of the Windy City said to him at a reception:

"Mr. Wu, I see there is a movement in China to abolish the pigtails you
wear. Why do you wear the foolish thing, anyhow?"

"Well," countered Mr. Wu, "why do you wear your foolish moustache?"

"Oh, that's different," said the Chicago man; "you see I've got an
impossible mouth."

"So I should suppose," retorted Mr. Wu, "judging from some of your
remarks."

HIS SEARCH FOR THE PRACTICAL

"Now," it was explained to Aladdin, "this is a wonderful lamp. Rub it
and a genie appears."

"I see little to that," he replied. "What I want is a lamp that won't go
out on my automobile and get me pinched by a traffic cop."

HARD UP FOR WIND

Everything in the dear old village seemed the same to Jones after his
absence of four years. The old church, the village pump, the ducks on
the green, the old men smoking while their wives gossip--it was so
restful after the rush and bustle of the city. Suddenly he missed
something.

"Where's Hodge's windmill?" he asked in surprise. "I can only see one
mill, and there used to be two."

The native gazed thoughtfully round, as if to verify the statement. Then
he said slowly:

"They pulled one down. There weren't enough wind for two on'em!"

HE KNEW BRYAN

At a recent political convention two of the delegates were discussing
the religious affiliations of prominent statesmen, when one of them, a
Baptist, observed to the other, who was a Methodist:

"I understand that William Jennings Bryan has turned Baptist."

"What?" exclaimed the Methodist. "Why, that can't be!"

"Yes, it is," persisted the Baptist.

"No, sir," continued the Methodist; "it can't be true. To become a
Baptist one must be entirely immersed."

"Yes, that is very true; but what has that to do with it?"

"Simply this," returned the Methodist: "Mr. Bryan would never consent to
disappear from public view as long as that."

HIS NEED

John Hendricks, a singular Western character, awoke one morning to find
himself wealthy through a rich mining strike. Soon he concluded to
broaden his mind by travel, and decided to go to Europe Boarding the
ship, he singled out the captain and said: "Captain, if I understand the
way this here ship is constructed it's got several water-tight
compartments?"

"Yes, sir."

"Water's all on the outside--can't none get in nohow?"

"No, sir."

"Captain," said Hendricks, decidedly, "I want one o' them
compartments--I don't care what it costs extry."

ALL OR NOTHING

Senator Jim Nye of Nebraska tells this story to illustrate some of the
evils of prohibition. The Senator said, apropos of his visit to a "dry"
town.

"After a long speech and then talking to all the magnates of the
neighborhood, I went to bed dry as a powder horn. I could not sleep and
as soon as it was daylight I went down into the dining room: As I sat
there the mistress of the house came in and said 'Senator, you are up
early.' I said: 'Yes, living in the West so long, I am afflicted with
malaria, and I could not sleep.' She went over to a tea caddy, took out
a bottle and said: 'Senator, this is a prohibition town, you know, but
we have malaria and we find this a good antidote. I know it will do you
good.'"

The Senator seized the bottle with avidity and thankfulness. He settled
again in his seat by the window, more in harmony with the world. Then
the head of the house came in and said: "Senator, you are up early." He
replied: "Yes, malaria, you know." "Well," said the old gentleman, "we
have a cure for that. This is a prohibition town; it is good thing for
our work people; but I have a little safety in my locker," and he
produced a bottle.

After the old gentleman left the two sons came in and said: "Senator,
are you fond of livestock?" The Senator by that time was fond of
everything and everybody. He said: "Yes, I love livestock, I have plenty
of it on my ranch." They said: "Come out to the barn and we will show
you some." They took him out to the barn, closed the doors, and said:
"Senator, we know you must have had a hard time last night. We have no
livestock but we have a bottle in the haymow." Senator Nye then said:

"The trouble with a prohibition town is that when you most need it you
can't get it, and when it does come it is like a Western flood, too much
of it."

BUSINESS IS BUSINESS

Eugene was a very mischievous little boy and his mother's patience was
worn to the limit. She had spoken very nicely to him several times
without effect. Finally she said:

"You are a perfect little heathen!"

"Do you mean it?" demanded Eugene.

"Indeed, I do," said the mother.

"Then, mother," said the boy, "why can't I keep that ten cents a week
you gimme for the Sunday-school collection? I guess I'm as hard up as
any of the rest of 'em."

THE BOOTBLACK'S GENEROSITY

When Paderewski was on his last visit to America he was in a Boston
suburb, when he was approached by a bootblack who called:

"Shine?"

The great pianist looked down at the youth whose face was streaked with
grime and said:

"No, my lad, but if you will wash your face I will give you a quarter."

"All right!" exclaimed the youth, who forthwith ran to a neighboring
trough and made his ablutions.

When he returned Paderewski held out the quarter, which the boy took but
immediately handed back, saying:

"Here, Mister, you take it yourself and get your hair cut."

ON DUTY ELSEWHERE

An Irish soldier had lost an eye in battle, but was allowed to continue
in the service on consenting to have a glass eye in its place. One day,
however, he appeared on parade without his artificial eye.

"Nolan," said the officer, "you are not properly dressed. Why is your
artificial eye not in its place?"

"Sure, sir," replied Nolan, "I left it in me box to keep an eye on me
kit while I'm on parade."

THE KAISER'S LAST WORD

Arthur Train, the novelist, put down a German newspaper at the Century
Club, in New York, with an impatient grunt.

"It says here," he explained, "that it is Germany who will speak the
last word in this war."

Then the novelist laughed angrily and added:

"Yes, Germany will speak the last word in the war, and that last word
will be '_Kamerad!_'"

A REVISED CLASSIC--THE SLEEPING BEAUTY

When the Prince entered the enchanted castle he noticed about it an air
of unusual quiet, as if there were a meeting of the American Peace
Society.

"Everybody is asleep," he muttered. "There isn't a single defense gun
mounted on a parapet. I don't believe there is a rifle on the premises.
No ammunition, either."

Walking rapidly upstairs, he saw a couple of servants lying prone.

"This reminds me of the time I lived in the suburbs," he continued.

Entering one of the sleeping-rooms, he discovered the celebrated beauty,
sound asleep, in the four-poster.

"This must be a frame-up," he observed. "I see it all. If I wake her up,
I shall have to marry her."

He was about to pass down the stairs, when a voice stopped him.

"Well, why not?" said the voice. "The young woman has not received a
modern education. She cannot drive a motor, play bridge, insist upon
your going to the most fashionable restaurant and ordering eight
dollars' worth of worthless imitation food, dance like a fiend, and
spend money generally like the manager of an international war. She's
been asleep so long that she might be just the one you want."

"By Jove!" exclaimed the Prince. "And to think I might have gone off
without her!" So saying, he did the proper thing.

SPECIALLY ENDOWED

"Some un sick at yo' house, Mis' Carter?" inquired Lila. "Ah seed de
doctah's kyar eroun' dar yestidy."

"It was for my brother, Lila."

"Sho! What's he done got de matter of 'im?"

"Nobody seems to know what the disease is. He can eat and sleep as well
as ever, he stays out all day long on the veranda in the sun, and seems
as well as anyone, but he can't do any work at all."

"He cain't--yo' says he cain't work?"

"Not a stroke."

"Law, Mis' Carter, dat ain't no disease what yo' broth' got. Dat's a
gif!"

NO JOQUE

The difficulties of western journalism are illustrated by the following
notice from _The Rocky Mountain Cyclone_:

AD ASTRA PER ASPERA

We begin the publication ov the _Rocy Mountain Cyclone_ with some phew
diphiculties in the way. The type phounder phrom whom we bought our
outphit phor this printing ophice phailed to supply us with any ephs or
cays, and it will be phour or phive weex bephore we can get any. We have
ordered the missing letters and will have to get along without them
until they come. We don't lique the loox ov this variety ov spelling any
better than our readers, but mistaix will happen in the best ov
regulated phamilies, and iph the ephs and c's and x's and q's hold out
we shall ceep (sound the c hard) the _Cyclone_ whirling aphter a
phashion till the sorts arrive. It is no joque to us, it's a serious
aphair.

ELIMINATION

To meet every situation which arises, and to do it in diplomatic
language, is only the gift of the elect:

"Waiter, bring me two fried eggs, some ham, a cup of coffee, and a
roll," said a traveler in a city of the Middle West.

"Bring me the same," said his friend, "but eliminate the eggs."

"Yessir," said the waiter.

In a moment he came back, leaned confidentially and penitently over the
table, and whispered:

"We 'ad a bad accident just before we opened this mornin', sir, and the
'andle of the liminator got busted off. Will you take yer eggs fried,
same as this 'ere gentleman?"

HIS GREAT AMBITION

No true American likes to acknowledge that he has a superior, even in
his own family.

Little Sydney had reached the mature age of three and was about to
discard petticoats for the more manly raiment of knickerbockers. The
mother had determined to make the occasion a memorable one. The
breakfast table was laden with good things when the newly breeched
infant was led into the room.

"Ah!" exclaimed the proud mother, "now you are a little man!"

Sydney, thoughtfully displaying his garments to their full advantage,
edged close to his mother and whispered, "Can I call pa Bill now?"

GUIDE

Our boys in France need little guidance to become on good terms with the
French girls. The following hints at conversation have therefore been
made as simple as possible:

Bong swah, mad-mwa-zell! Vou zay tray beautiful.
Kesker say votr name?
Zhe swee Edward Jones.
Vooley voo take a walk?
Eecy ate oon fine place to sit down.
Bokoo moon to-night, nace paw?
Avay voo ever studied palmistry?
Donney mwa votr hand.
Votr hand ay tray soft!
Dahn lay Zaytah Unee are bokoo girls, may voo zay more beautiful
than any of them.
Chay mwa zhe nay pah seen a girl that could touch voo!
Voo zay oon peach!
Le coleur de votr yer ay tray beautiful.
Votr dress ay bokoo dress.
Donney mwa oon kiss?
Zhe voo zame!

APPREHENDING THE KAISER

Early in the war the Kaiser was haled before a Virginia court. At least
that was the intention of Charles L. Zoll, justice of the peace of Broad
Run district, Loudoun County, who delivered into the hands of the
Sheriff this warrant:

Commonwealth of Virginia, County of Loudoun, to wit:

To the Sheriff of the said county:

Wheras, Woodrow Wilson has this day made oath before me, a justice of
said court, that William Hohan Zollern, alias Wilhelm, has at various
times and places between July, 1914, and November, 1917, committed
murder, assault, and arson upon the bodies of various people and
sundry properties, against the peace and dignity of the Government of
the United States, the State of Virginia and Broad Run district in
particular.

These are therefore in the name of the Commonwealth of Virginia and
the Government of the United States to command you to forthwith
apprehend the said William Hohan Zollern, alias Kaiser Wilhelm, and
bring his body before me at my office in Aushburn, Va., to answer
said charges, and there and then be dealt with according to law.

And by the power vested in me I hereby extend your jurisdiction to
the Continent of Europe and I do by these presents declare the said
William Hohan Zollern, alias Kaiser Wilhelm, to be an outlaw, and
offer as a reward for his apprehension three barrels of corn, five
bushels of potatoes and meat of ham, said ham to weigh not less than
twenty-one pounds nor more than thirty-five pounds.

And you are moreover required to summon Marshal Joffre, Albert, King
of the Belgians; Victor Emanuel of Italy and George V to appear at
same time and place as witnesses in behalf of the Commonwealth
touching the matter said complaint.

Given under my hand and seal this 28th day of November, 1917.

CHARLES L. ZOLL, Justice of the Peace.

JUSTICE TO T. R.

In the English royal library at Windsor, in the centre of the magazine
table, there is a large album of pictures of many eminent and popular
men and women of the day. This book is divided into sections--a section
for each calling or profession. Some years ago Prince Edward, in
looking through the book, came across the pages devoted to the pictures
of the rulers of the various nations. Prominently placed among these was
a large photograph of Colonel Roosevelt.

"Father," asked Prince Edward, placing his finger on the Colonel's
picture, "Mr. Roosevelt is a very clever man, isn't he?"

"Yes, child," answered King George with a smile. "He is a great and good
man. In some respects I look upon him as a genius."

A few days later, King George, casually glancing through the album,
noticed that President Roosevelt's photograph had been removed and
placed in the section devoted to "Men and Women of the Time." On asking
the Prince whether he had removed the picture, the latter solemnly
replied: "Yes, sir. You told me the other day that you thought Mr.
Roosevelt a genius, so I took him away from the kings and emperors and
put him among the famous people."

HE WAS NOT A PROHIBITIONIST

When the question of America's being prepared for war was uppermost
Representative Thomas Heflin, of Alabama, told the following story to
illustrate his belief that we ought always to be ready:

"There was an old fellow down in north Alabama and out in the mountains;
he kept his jug in the hole of a log. He would go down at sundown to
take a swig of mountain dew--mountain dew that had never been humiliated
by a revenue officer nor insulted by a green stamp. He drank that liquid
concoction that came fresh from the heart of the corn, and he glowed.
One evening while he was letting the good liquor trickle down his throat
he felt something touch his foot. He looked down and saw a big
rattle-snake coiled ready to strike.

"The old fellow took another swig of the corn, and in defiance he swept
that snake with his eyes.

"'Strike, dern you, strike, you will never find me better prepared.'"

HE SCORNED THE THOUGHT

The father of a certain charming girl is well known in this town as "a
very tight old gentleman." When dad recently received a young man, who
for some time had been "paying attention" to the daughter, it was the
old gentleman who made the first observation:

"Huh! So you want to marry my daughter, eh?"

"Yes, sir; very much, indeed."

"Um--let me see. Can you support her in the style to which she has been
accustomed?"

"I can, sir," said the young man, "but I am not mean enough to do it."

RIVALRY

A young American artist who has just returned from a six months' job of
driving a British ambulance on the war front in Belgium brings this back
straight from the trenches: "One cold morning a sign was pushed up above
the German trench facing ours, only about fifty yards away, which bore
in large letters the words: 'Got mit Uns!' One of our cockney lads, more
of a patriot than a linguist, looked at this for a moment and then
lampblacked a big sign of his own, which he raised on a stick. It read:
'We Got Mittuns, Too!'"

IMPERSONAL

A pretty girl at an evening party was bantering a genial bachelor on his
reasons for remaining single.

"No-oo. I never was exactly disappointed in love," he said. "I was what
you might call discouraged. You see, when I was very young I became very
much enamored of a young lady of my acquaintance. I was mortally afraid
to tell her of my feeling, but at length I screwed up my courage to the
proposing point. I said, 'Let's get married,' And she said, 'Why, who'd
have us?'"

AND HE SUCCEEDED

The military strategist is born not made.

For example:

Two youngsters, one the possessor of a permit, were fishing on a certain
estate when a gamekeeper suddenly darted from a thicket. The lad with
the permit uttered a cry of fright, dropped his rod, and ran off at top
speed. The gamekeeper was led a swift chase. Then, worn out, the boy
halted. The man seized him by the arm and said between pants: "Have you
a permit to fish on this estate?"

"Yes, to be sure," said the boy quietly.

"You have? Then show it to me."

The boy drew the permit from his pocket. The man examined it and frowned
in perplexity and anger.

"Why did you run when you had this permit?" he asked.

"To let the other boy get away," was the reply. "He didn't have any."

NO CHANGE IN SHYLOCK

An old woman who lived in the country recently visited some friends in
the city. During her stay she was taken to see "The Merchant of Venice,"
a play she had witnessed more than thirty years before, and which she
had always had a strong desire to see again. Calling next day, a friend
asked her how the previous night's performance compared with that of
thirty years ago.

"Well," she replied, "Venice seems to have smartened up a bit, but that
Shylock is the same mean, grasping creature that he used to be."

ENOUGH

After all, only a feminine mind can be truly broadminded and make a
correct deduction of a whole from a knowledge of a part. Said a certain
lady in a shop:

"I want a pair of pants for my sick husband."

"What size?" asked the clerk.

"I don't know, but he wears a 14-1/2 collar."

HE OBEYED

A certain woman demands instant and unquestioning obedience from her
children. One afternoon a storm came up and she sent her little son John
to close the trap leading to the flat roof of the house.

"But, mother," began John.

"John, I told you to shut the trap."

"Yes, but, mother--"

"John, shut that trap!"

"All right, mother, if you say so--but--"

"John!"

Whereupon John slowly climbed the stairs and shut the trap. Two hours
later the family gathered for dinner, but Aunt Mary, who was staying
with the mother, did not appear. The mother, quite anxious, exclaimed,
"Where can Aunt Mary be?"

"I know," John answered triumphantly, "she is on the roof."

FAIR WARNING

Andrew Carnegie said:

"I was traveling Londonward on an English railway last year, and had
chosen a seat in a non-smoking carriage. At a wayside station a man
boarded the train, sat down in my compartment, and lighted a vile clay
pipe.

"This is not a smoking carriage," said I.

"'All right, Governor,' said the man. 'I'll just finish this pipe here.'

"He finished it, then refilled it.

"'See here,' I said, 'I told you this was not a smoking carriage. If you
persist with that pipe I shall report you at the next station to the
guard.' I handed him my card. He looked at it, pocketed it, but lighted
his pipe nevertheless. At the next station, however, he changed to
another compartment.

"Calling the guard, I told him what had occurred, and demanded that the
smoker's name and address be taken.

"'Yes, sair,' said the guard, and hurried away. In a little while he
returned. He seemed rather awed and, bending over me, said
apologetically:

"'Do you know, sir, if I were you I would not prosecute that gent. He
has just given me his card. Here it is. He is Mr. Andrew Carnegie.'"

PREPAREDNESS

Scotchmen are proverbial for their caution.

Mr. MacTavish attended a christening where the hospitality of the host
knew no bounds except the several capacities of the guests. In the midst
of the celebration Mr. MacTavish rose up and made rounds of the company,
bidding each a profound farewell.

"But, Sandy, man," objected the host, "ye're not goin' yet, with the
evenin' just started?"

"Nay," said the prudent MacTavish. "I'm no' goin' yet. But I'm tellin'
ye good-night while I know ye all."

FULL SPEED AHEAD

He was the slowest boy on earth, and had been sacked at three places in
two weeks, so his parents had apprenticed him to a naturalist. But even
he found him slow. It took him two hours to give the canaries their
seed, three to stick a pin through a dead butterfly, and four to pick a
convolvulus. The only point about him was that he was willing.

"And what," he asked, having spent a whole afternoon changing the
goldfishes' water, "shall I do now, sir?"

The naturalist ran his fingers through his locks.

"Well, Robert," he replied at length, "I think you might now take the
tortoise out for a run."

PLAYING SAFE

A lady recently selecting a hat at a milliner's asked, cautiously:

"Is there anything about these feathers that might bring me into trouble
with the Bird Protection Society?"

"Oh, no, madam," said the milliner.

"But did they not belong to some bird?" persisted the lady.

"Well, madam," returned the milliner, pleasantly, "these feathers are
the feathers of a howl; and the howl, you know, madam, seein' as 'ow
fond he is of mice, is more of a cat than a bird."

WORDS FAILED HER

The budding authoress had purchased a typewriter, and one morning the
agent called and asked:

"How do you like your new typewriter, madam?"

"It's wonderful!" was the enthusiastic reply. "I wonder how I ever done
my writing without it."

"Would you mind," asked the agent, "giving me a little testimonial to
that effect?"

"Certainly not," she responded. "I'll do it gladly."

Seating herself at the machine, she pounded out the following:

Aafteb Using thee Automatid Backactiom atype write, er for thre emonth
%an d Over. I unhesittattingly pronoun ce it tobe al ad more than th e
Manufacturss claim! for it. Durinb the tim e been in myy possessio n $i
thre month it had more th an paid paid for itse*f in thee saVing off tim
e anD laborr?

ONE WAY OUT

One of the congregation of a church not far from Boston approached her
pastor with the complaint that she was greatly disturbed by the
unmelodious singing of one of her neighbors.

"It's positively unbearable!" she said. "That man in the pew in front of
us spoils the service for me. His voice is harsh and he has no idea of a
tune. Can't you ask him to change his pew?"

The good pastor was sorely perplexed. After a few moments' reflection,
he said, "Well, I naturally would feel a little delicacy on that score,
especially as I should have to tell him why I asked it. But I'll tell
you what I might do." Here his face became illuminated by a happy
thought. "I might ask him to join the choir."

HOW WAR BEGAN

There have been a great many explanations for war, but the following
appears to have its special merits:

The world was supplied with an original producer; namely, Woman.

Woman produced babies.

The babies grew up and produced tradespeople.

The tradespeople produced goods with which to supply the woman.

The goods, coming into competition with each other, owing to the
different parts of the world wherein they were manufactured, produced
trouble.

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