Best Short Stories by Various

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If he has to sleep on a silk cushion.

If he dies before you can get him home.

Then he is a well-bred dog.

TRY IT AND SEE

A few years ago, while watching a parade in Boston in which the Stars
and Stripes were conspicuous, a fair foreigner with strong
anti-American proclivities turned to a companion, and commenting on the
display, pettishly remarked:

"That American flag makes me sick. It looks just like a piece of
checkerberry candy."

Senator Lodge, who was standing near by, overheard the remark, and
turning to the young lady, said:

"Yes, miss, it does. And it makes everyone sick who tries to lick it."

WHAT HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN

Being well equipped physically, Michael Murphy had no difficulty in
holding his job as village sexton, until the first interment, when he
was asked to sign the certificate. "Oi can't write," said Mike, and was
discharged.

Out of a job, Mike turned to contracting and in time became wealthy and
a figure in his community. When he applied to the leading bank for a
loan of fifty thousand dollars, he was assured that he could get it--and
was asked to sign the necessary notes. Again he was obliged to reply:
"Oi can't write."

The banker was astounded. "And you have accumulated all this wealth and
position without knowing how to write!" he exclaimed. "What would you
have been to-day if you could write?"

Mike paused a moment, and answered:

"Oi would have been a sexton."

CONCLUSIVE

Two Irishmen were working on the roof of a building one day when one
made a mis-step and fell to the ground; the other leaned over and
called: "Are ye dead or alive, Mike?"

"I'm alive," said Mike, feebly.

"Sure, yer such a liar I don't know whether to believe ye or not."

"Well, then, I must be dead," said Mike, "for ye would never dare to
call me a liar if I were alive."

WHY NOT?

They were a very saving old couple, and as a result they had a
beautifully furnished house. One day the old woman missed her husband.
"Joseph, where are you?" she called out.

"I'm resting in the parlor," came the reply.

"What, on the sofy?" cried the old woman, horrified.

"No, on the floor."

"Not on that grand carpet!" came in tones of anguish.

"No; I've rolled it up!"

HOW COULD HE KNOW?

The youth seated himself in the dentist's chair. He wore a wonderful
striped shirt and a more wonderful checked suit and had the vacant stare
of "nobody home" that goes with both.

The dentist looked at his assistant. "I am afraid to give him gas," he
said.

"Why?" asked the assistant.

"Well," said the dentist, "how can I tell when he's unconscious?"

IN ADVANCE

In a rural court the old squire had made a ruling so unfair that three
young lawyers at once protested against such a miscarriage of justice.
The squire immediately fined each of the lawyers five dollars for
contempt of court.

There was silence, and then an older lawyer walked slowly to the front
of the room and deposited a ten-dollar bill with the clerk. He then
addressed the judge as follows:

"Your honor, I wish to state that I have twice as much contempt for
this court as any man in the room."

NO FREE ADVERTISING

A violinist was bitterly disappointed with the account of his recital
printed in the paper of a small town.

"I told your man three or four times," complained the musician to the
owner of the paper, "that the instrument I used was a genuine
Stradivarius, and in his story there was not a word about it, not a
word."

Whereupon the owner said with a laugh: "That is as it should be. When
Mr. Stradivarius gets his fiddles advertised in my paper under ten cents
a line, you come around and let me know."

WHY NOT?

Jimmie giggled when the teacher read the story of the man who swam
across the Tiber three times before breakfast.

"You do not doubt that a trained swimmer could do that, do you?"

"No, sir," answered Jimmie, "but I wonder why he did not make it four
and get back to the side where his clothes were."

THE SAME OLD HOURS

She was a widow who was trying to get in touch with her deceased
husband.

The medium, after a good deal of futile work, said to her:

"The conditions this evening seem unfavorable. I can't seem to establish
communication with Mr. Smith, ma'am."

"Well, I'm not surprised," said the widow, with a glance at the clock.
"It's only half-past eight now, and John never did show up till about
three A.M."

WHY NOT?

Private Jones was summoned to appear before his captain.

"Jones," said the officer, frowning darkly, "this gentleman complains
that you have killed his dog."

"A dastardly trick," interrupted the owner of the dog, "to kill a
defenseless animal that would harm no one!"

"Not much defenseless about him," chimed in the private, heatedly. "He
bit pretty freely into my leg, so I ran my bayonet into him."

"Nonsense!" answered the owner angrily. "He was a docile creature. Why
did you not defend yourself with the butt of your rifle?"

"Why didn't he bite me with his tail?" asked Private Jones, with spirit.

FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING

Dr. Harvey Wiley tells the following story: Sleepily, after a night off,
a certain interne hastened to his hospital ward. The first patient was a
stout old Irishman.

"How goes it?" he inquired.

"Faith, it'sh me breathin', doctor. I can't get me breath at all, at
all."

"Why, your pulse is normal. Let me examine the lung-action," replied the
doctor, kneeling beside the cot and laying his head on the ample chest.

"Now, let's hear you talk," he continued, closing his eyes and
listening.

"What'll Oi be sayin', doctor?"

"Oh, say anything. Count one, two, three, and up," murmured the interne,
drowsily.

"Wan, two, three, four, five, six," began the patient. When the young
doctor, with a start, opened his eyes, he was counting huskily: "Tin
hundred an' sixty-nine, tin hundred an' sivinty, tin hundred an'
sivinty-wan."

THE MAN HE LEFT BEHIND

An English storekeeper went to the war and left his clerk behind to look
after things. When he was wounded and taken to the hospital, what was
his surprise to find his clerk in the cot next to him.

"Well, I thought I left you to take care of the store," said the
storekeeper.

"You did," answered the clerk, "But you didn't tell me I had to look
after your women folks as well as the store. I stood it as long as I
could and then I said to myself: 'Look here, if you've got to fight, you
might as well go and fight someone that you can hit.'"

SOME SPEED

It was a dull day in the trenches, and a bunch of Tommies had gathered
and were discussing events. After a while the talk turned on a big Boche
who had been captured the night before.

"He was scared stiff," said one Tommy.

"Did he run?" asked another.

"Run?" replied the first. "Why, if that Boche had had jest one feather
in his hand he'd 'a' flew."

A DEEP-LAID PLAN

"Would you mind letting me off fifteen minutes early after this, sir?"
asked the bookkeeper. "You see, I've moved into the suburbs and I can't
catch my train unless I leave at a quarter before five o'clock."

"I suppose I'll have to," grumbled the boss; "but you should have
thought of that before you moved."

"I did," confided the bookkeeper to the stenographer a little later,
"and that's the reason I moved."

ONLY ONE THING FOR HIM

A three-hundred-pound man stood gazing longingly at the nice things
displayed in a haberdasher's window for a marked-down sale. A friend
stopped to inquire if he was thinking of buying shirts or pyjamas.

"Gosh, no!" replied the fat man wistfully. "The only thing that fits me
ready-made is a handkerchief."

A TEST OF FRIENDSHIP

Andy Foster, a well-known character in his native city, had recently
shuffled off this mortal soil in destitute circumstances, although in
his earlier days he enjoyed financial prosperity.

A prominent merchant, an old friend of the family, attended the funeral
and was visibly affected as he gazed for the last time on his old friend
and associate.

The mourners were conspicuously few in number and some attention was
attracted by the sorrowing merchant. "The old gentleman was very dear to
you?" ventured one of the bearers after the funeral was over.

"Indeed, he was," answered the mourner. "Andy was one true friend. He
never asked me to lend him a cent, though I knew that he was practically
starving to death."

BLISSFUL IGNORANCE

It was during the nerve-racking period of waiting for the signal to go
over the top that a seasoned old sergeant noticed a young soldier fresh
from home visibly affected by the nearness of the coming fight. His face
was pale, his teeth chattering, and his knees tried to touch each other.
It was sheer nervousness, but the sergeant thought it was sheer funk.

"Tompkins," he whispered, "is it trembling you are for your dirty
skin?"

"No, no, sergeant," said he, making a brave attempt to still his limbs.
"I'm trembling for the Germans; they don't know I'm here."

GRATEFUL TO THE DOCTOR

A Chinaman was asked if there were good doctors in China.

"Good doctors!" he exclaimed. "China have best doctors in world. Hang
Chang one good doctor; he great; save life, to me."

"You don't say so! How was that?"

"Me velly bad," he said. "Me callee Doctor Han Kon. Give some medicine.
Get velly, velly ill. Me callee Doctor San Sing. Give more medicine. Me
glow worse--go die. Blimebly callee Doctor Hang Chang. He got no time;
no come. Save life."

HE MIGHT BE, BUT SHE WASN'T

Dinah had been troubled with a toothache for some time before she got up
enough courage to go to a dentist. The moment he touched her tooth she
screamed.

"What are you making such a noise for?" he demanded. "Don't you know
I'm a 'painless dentist'?"

"Well, sah," retorted Dinah, "mebbe yo' is painless, but Ah isn't."

A SPORTING PROPOSITION

An Arkansas man who intended to take up a homestead claim in a
neighboring state sought information in the matter from a friend.

"I don't remember the exact wording of the law," said the latter, "but I
can give ye the meanin' of it all right. It's like this: The government
of the United States is willin' to bet one hundred and sixty acres of
land against fourteen dollars that ye can't live on it five years
without starvin' to death."

THE PROPOSAL

He was a morbid youth and a nervous lover. Often had he wished to tell
the maiden how he longed to make her all his own. Again and again had
his nerve failed him. But to-night there was a "do-or-die" look in his
eye.

They started for their usual walk, and rested awhile upon his favorite
seat--a gravestone in the village churchyard. A happy inspiration
seized him. "Maria," he said in trembling accents--"Maria! When you
die--how should you like to be buried here with my name on the stone
over you?"

KNEW MORE ABOUT HENS THAN HISTORY

After reading the famous poem, "The Landing of the Pilgrim Fathers," to
the class, the teacher said: "As a drawing exercise suppose you each
draw, according to your imagination, a picture of Plymouth Rock."

All but one little fellow set to work. He paused and finally raised his
hand.

"What is it, Edgar?" the teacher asked.

"Please, ma'am," Edgar piped out, "do you want us to draw a hen or a
rooster?"

CHARITY

Bishop Penhurst was talking, in Boston, about charity.

"Some charities," he said, "remind me of the cold, proud, beautiful lady
who, glittering with diamonds, swept forth from a charity ball at dawn,
crossed the frosty sidewalk, and entered her huge limousine.

"A beggar woman whined at the window:

"'Could ye give me a trifle for a cup of coffee, lady?'

"The lady looked at the beggar reproachfully.

"'Good gracious!' she said. 'Here you have the nerve to ask me for money
when I've been tangoing for you the whole night through! Home, James.'

"And she snapped the window shut in the beggar's face indignantly."

ADVICE TO MABEL

A London man just back from the States says that a little girl on the
train to Pittsburgh was chewing gum. Not only that, but she insisted on
pulling it out in long strings and letting it fall back into her mouth
again.

"Mabel!" said her mother in a horrified whisper. "Mabel, don't do that.
Chew your gum like a little lady."

NOT A NATIVE

A New York man took a run not long ago into Connecticut, to a town where
he had lived as a boy.

On his native heath he accosted a venerable old chap of some eighty
years, who proved to be the very person the Gothamite sought to answer
certain inquiries concerning the place. As the conversation proceeded
the New Yorker said:

"I suppose you have always lived around here?"

"No," said the old man, "I was born two good miles from here."

HE GOT IT TWICE

They were twins. It was bathing time and from the twins' bedroom came
sounds of hearty laughter and loud crying. Their father went up to find
the cause.

"What's the matter up here?" he inquired.

The laughing twin pointed to his weeping brother. "Nothing," he giggled,
"only nurse has given Alexander two baths and hasn't given me any at
all."

TOO MUCH

One of the Scottish golf clubs gives a dinner each year to the
youngsters it employs as caddies. At the feast last year one of the boys
disdained to use any of the forks he found at his place, and loaded his
food into himself with his knife. When the ice-cream course was reached
and he still used his knife, a boy who sat opposite to him, and who
could stand it no longer, shouted:

"Great Scot! Look at Skinny, usin' his iron all the way round!"

THE DIGNITIES OF OFFICE

This story--which is perhaps true and perhaps not--is being told in many
Italian messrooms. On one of his royal tours, King Victor Emmanuel spent
the night in a small country town, where the people showed themselves
unusually eager in caring for his comfort. So when he had gone to bed,
he was surprised to be wakened by a servant who wanted to put clean
sheets on his bed. However, he waited good-naturedly while it was done,
and wished the servant good-night. He had dozed off to sleep, when he
was roused for the second time by a rap on the door; and the servant
reappeared, asking to change the sheets again.

Naturally, the King asked why the change was made so often. The servant
answered reverently, "For oneself, one changes the sheets every week;
for an honored friend, every day; but for a king, every hour."

FAME

A Long Island teacher was recounting the story of Red Riding Hood. After
describing the woods and the wild animals that flourished therein, she
added:

"Suddenly Red Riding Hood heard a great noise. She turned about, and
what do you suppose she saw standing there, gazing at her and showing
all its sharp, white teeth?"

"Teddy Roosevelt!" volunteered one of the boys.

NO PEACE FOR HIM

Willie was out walking with his mother, when she thought she saw a boy
on the other side of the street making faces at her darling.

"Willie," asked mother, "is that horrid boy making faces at you?"

"He is," replied Willie, giving his coat a tug. "Now, mother, don't
start any peace talk--you just hold my coat for about five minutes."

BOILED

Not long ago the editor of an English paper ordered a story of a certain
length, but when the story arrived he discovered that the author had
written several hundred words too many.

The paper was already late in going to press so there was no
alternative--the story must be condensed to fit the allotted space.
Therefore the last few paragraphs were cut down to a single sentence. It
read thus:

"The Earl took a Scotch high-ball, his hat, his departure, no notice of
his pursuers, a revolver out of his hip pocket, and finally, his life."

FORCED INTO IT

Even the excessive politeness of some men may be explained on purely
practical grounds. Of a certain suburbanite, a friend said:

"I heard him speaking most beautifully of his wife to another lady on
the train just now. Rather unusual in a man these days."

"Not under the circumstances," said the other man. "That was a new cook
he was escorting out."

HOODOOED

Appealing to a lady for aid, an old darky told her that through the
Dayton flood he had lost everything he had in the world, including his
wife and six children.

"Why," said the lady, "I have seen you before and I have helped you.
Were you not the colored man who told me you had lost your wife and six
children by the sinking of the _Titanic_?"

"Yeth, ma'am, dat wuz me. Mos' unfort'nit man dat eber wuz. Kain't keep
a fam'ly nohow."

SAFE DEPOSIT

An old lady, who was sitting on the porch of a hotel at Asheville, North
Carolina, where also there were a number of youngsters, was approached
by one of them with this query:

"Can you crack nuts?"

The old lady smiled and said: "No, my dear, I can't. I lost all my teeth
years ago."

"Then," said the boy, extending two hands full of walnuts, "please hold
these while I go and get some more."

THE MATTER WITH KANSAS

Governor Capper, of Kansas, recently pointed out what he deemed to be
the "matter with Kansas." The average Kansan, he said, gets up in the
morning in a house made in Michigan, at the sound of an alarm clock made
in Illinois; puts on his Missouri overalls; washes his hands with
Cincinnati soap in a Pennsylvania basin; sits down to a Grand Rapids
table; eats Battle Creek breakfast food and Chicago bacon cooked on a
Michigan range; puts New York harness on a span of Missouri mules and
hitches them to a South Bend wagon, or starts up his Illinois tractor
with a Moline plow attached. After the day's work he rides down town in
a Detroit automobile, buys a box of St. Louis candy for his wife, and
spins back home, where he listens to music "canned" in New Jersey.

THE BETTER WAY

Charles M. Schwab, congratulated in Pittsburgh on a large war order
contract which he had just received from one of the warring nations,
said:

"Some people call it luck, but they are mistaken. Whatever success I
have is due to hard work and not to luck.

"I remember a New York business man who crossed the ocean with me one
winter when the whole country was suffering from hard times.

"'And you. Mr. Schwab,' the New Yorker said, 'are, like the rest of us,
I suppose, hoping for better things?'

"'No, my friend,' I replied. 'No, I am not hoping for better things.
I've got my sleeves rolled up and I'm working for them.'"

A HORSE PSYCHOLOGIST

Twice as the horse-bus slowly wended its way up the steep hill the door
at the rear opened and slammed. At first those inside paid little heed,
but the third time they demanded to know why they should be disturbed in
this fashion.

"Whist!" cautioned the driver. "Don't spake so loud. He'll overhear us."

"Who?"

"The hoss. Spake low. Shure Oo'm desavin' the crayture. Every toime he
'ears th' door close he thinks wan o' yez is gettin' down ter walk up
th' hill, an' that sort o' raises 'is sperrits."

STILL NOT SATISFIED

Mrs. Higgins was an incurable grumbler. She grumbled at everything and
everyone. But at last the vicar thought he had found something about
which she could make no complaint; the old lady's crop of potatoes was
certainly the finest for miles round.

"Ah, for once you must be well pleased," he said, with a beaming smile,
as he met her in the village street. "Everyone's saying how splendid
your potatoes are this year."

The old lady glowered at him as she answered:

"They're not so poor. But where's the bad ones for the pigs?"

A COAXER

The latest American church device for "raising the wind" is what a
religious paper describes as "some collection-box." The inventor hails
from Oklahoma. If a member of the congregation drops in a twenty-five
cent piece or a coin of larger value, there is silence. If it is a
ten-cent piece a bell rings, a five-cent piece sounds a whistle, and a
cent fires a blank cartridge. If any one pretends to be asleep when the
box passes, it awakens him with a watchman's rattle, and a kodak takes
his portrait.

AUTOMATIC "EFFICIENCY"

A young lady telephone operator recently attended a watch-night service
and fell asleep during the sermon. At the close the preacher said, "We
will now sing hymn number three forty-one--three forty-one."

The young lady, just waking in time to hear the number, yawned and said,
"The line is busy."

THE WINNER

While Chopin probably did not time his "Minute Waltz" to exactly sixty
seconds, some auditors insist that it lives up to its name. Mme.
Theodora Surkow-Ryder on one of her tours played the "Minute Waltz" as
an encore, first telling her audience what it was. Thereupon a huge man
in a large riding suit took out an immense silver watch, held it open
almost under her nose, and gravely proceeded to time her. The pianist's
fingers flew along the keys, and her anxiety was rewarded when the man
closed the watch with a loud slap and said in a booming voice: "Gosh!
She's done it."

TAXED TO CAPACITY

A friendly American who has just arrived in London brings a story of
Edison. The great inventor was present at a dinner in New York to which
Count Bernstorff had also found his way. The Count spoke of the number
of new ships which Germany had built since the war began. He was
listened to respectfully enough, although a little coldly, because the
sympathies of the party were not with him or Germany.

When he had stopped, Edison looked up and said in a still, small voice,
and with a serious face:

"Must not the Kiel Canal be very crowded, your Excellency?"

GASTRONOMICAL

A man and a woman entered a cafe.

"Do you want oysters, Louise?" asked the man, as he glanced over the
bill of fare.

"Yes, George," answered the woman, "and I want a hassock, too."

George nodded, and as he handed the waiter his written order, he said:

"Bring a hassock for the lady."

"Yes, sir," answered the waiter, "one hassock."

A moment later the waiter, apparently puzzled, approached the man, and
leaning over him, said:

"Excuse me, sir, but I have only been here two days and do not want to
make any mistakes. Will the lady have the hassock broiled or fried?"

A LITERAL CENSOR

Joe T. Marshall, formerly of Kansas, recently became the father of an
eight-pound boy, and wished to cable the news to his family in America.

The censor refused to allow the message to go through.

"What's the matter?" Marshall asked indignantly.

"We aren't permitted to announce the arrival of Americans in France!"

UP TO HIM

David Belasco was smiling at the extravagant attentions that are
lavished by the rich upon pet dogs. He spoke of the canine operations
for appendicitis, the canine tooth crownings, the canine wardrobes, and
then he said:

"How servants hate these pampered curs! At a house where I was calling
one cold day the fat and pompous butler entered the drawing-room and
said:

"'Did you ring, madam?'

"'Yes, Harrison, I wish you to take Fido out walking for two hours.'

"Harrison frowned slightly. 'But Fido won't follow me, madam,' he said.

"'Then, Harrison, you must follow Fido.'"

NOT IN THE TACTICS

A company of very new soldiers were out on a wide heath, practising the
art of taking cover. The officer in charge of them turned to one of the
rawest of his men.

"Get down behind that hillock there," he ordered, sternly, "and mind,
not a move or a sound!"

A few minutes later he looked around to see if they were all concealed,
and, to his despair, observed something wriggling behind the small
mound. Even as he watched the movements became more frantic.

"I say, you there!" he shouted, angrily, "do you know you are giving our
position away to the enemy?"

"Yes, sir," said the recruit, in a voice of cool desperation, "and do
you know that this is an anthill?"

A GUILTY CONSCIENCE

A young fellow who was the crack sprinter of his town--somewhere in the
South--was unfortunate enough to have a very dilatory laundress. One
evening, when he was out for a practice run in his rather airy and
abbreviated track costume, he chanced to dash past the house of that
dusky lady, who at the time was a couple of weeks in arrears with his
washing.

He had scarcely reached home again when the bell rang furiously and an
excited voice was wafted in from the porch:

"Foh de Lawd's sake! won't you-all tell Marse Bob please not to go out
no moh till I kin git his clo'es round to him?'"

MAKING IT FIT

"Did you hear about the defacement of Mr. Skinner's tombstone?" asked
Mr. Brown a few days after the funeral of that eminent captain of
industry.

"No, what was it?" inquired his neighbor curiously.

"Someone added the word 'friends' to the epitaph."

"What was the epitaph?"

"'He did his best.'"

A LESSON IN MANNERS

This is the way the agent got a lesson in manners. He called at a
business office, and saw nobody but a prepossessing though
capable-appearing young woman.

"Where's the boss?" he asked abruptly.

"What is your business?" she asked politely.

"None of yours!" he snapped. "I got a proposition to lay before this
firm, and I want to talk to somebody about it."

"And you would rather talk to a gentleman?"

"Yes."

"Well," answered the lady, smiling sweetly, "so would I. But it seems
that it's impossible for either one of us to have our wish, so we'll
have to make the best of it. State your business, please!"

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