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11 BEST SHORT STORIES
Collected by THOMAS L. MASSON
Published by DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY for REVIEW OF REVIEWS CO. 1922
A FOREWORD TO EVERYBODY
There is a wide difference of opinion, even among the most
discriminating critics, as to what constitutes the point of a good joke.
Aside from varying temperaments, this is largely due to one's experience
with life in general. Or intimate acquaintance with certain phases of
life gives us a subtler appreciation of certain niceties, which would be
lost upon those who have not traveled over that particular path. The
doctor, the lawyer, the family man, and the soldier, each have their
minds sensitized to their own fields of thought. Human nature, however,
works according to universal laws, and a really first-class joke strikes
home to the majority.
The compiler of this collection has had it in mind to get as much
variety as possible, while at the same time to use only such material as
serves to illustrate some easily recognizable human trait.
It is almost needless to say that this book should not be read
continuously. It should be taken in small doses, as it is highly
concentrated.
Many old friends will be noticed in the crowd. But old friends, even
among jokes, should not be passed by too lightly.
BEST SHORT STORIES
THE POINT OF HONOR
A young lieutenant was passed by a private, who failed to salute. The
lieutenant called him back, and said sternly:
"You did not salute me. For this you will immediately salute two hundred
times."
At this moment the General came up.
"What's all this?" he exclaimed, seeing the poor private about to begin.
The lieutenant explained.
"This ignoramus failed to salute me, and as a punishment, I am making
him salute two hundred times."
"Quite right," replied the General, smiling. "But do not forget, sir,
that upon each occasion you are to salute in return."
ALWAYS GET THE FACTS
It is never wise to jump to conclusions. Always wait until the evidence
is all in.
A Jersey man of a benevolent turn of mind encountered a small boy in his
neighborhood who gave evidence of having emerged but lately from a
severe battle.
"I am sorry," said the man, "to see that you have a black eye, Sammy."
Whereupon Sammy retorted:
"You go home and be sorry for your own little boy--he's got two!"
CAN THIS BE TRUE?
A certain Irishman was taken prisoner by the Huns. While he was standing
alone, waiting to be assigned to his prison, or whatever fate awaited
him, the Kaiser came up.
"Hello," said the Kaiser. "Who have we here?"
"I'm an Irishman, your honor."
Then he winked solemnly.
"Oi say," he continued. "We didn't do a thing to you Germans, did we?
Eh, old chap?"
The Kaiser was horrified. Calling an orderly he said to him:
"Take this blasphemer away and put a German uniform on him, and then
bring him back."
Shortly the Irishman was returned, in a full German uniform.
"Well," said the Kaiser, "maybe you feel better now. How is it?"
Pat grabbed him by the arm, and leaning over, whispered:
"Oi say, we gave them Irish Hell, didn't we?"
NEW SERVANT-GIRL STORY
The wife of a successful young literary man had hired a buxom Dutch girl
to do the housework. Several weeks passed and from seeing her master
constantly about the house, the girl received an erroneous impression.
"Ogscuse me, Mrs. Blank," she said to her mistress one day, "but I like
to say somedings."
"Well, Rena?"
The girl blushed, fumbled with her apron, and then replied, "Vell, you
pay me four tollars a veek--'
"Yes, and I really can't pay you any more."
"It's not dot," responded the girl; "but I be villing to take tree
tollars till--till your husband gets vork."
HE WAS BROAD MINDED
Even married life does not affect some people unpleasantly, or take away
the fine spirit of their charity.
A certain factory-owner tells of an old employee who came into the
office and asked for a day off.
"I guess we can manage it, Pete," says the boss, "tho we are mighty
short-handed these days. What do you want to get off for?"
"Ay vant to get married," blushed Pete, who is by way of being a
Scandinavian.
"Married? Why, look here--it was only a couple of months ago that you
wanted to get off because your wife was dead!"
"Yas, ay gess so."
"And you want to get married again, with your wife only two months
dead?"
"Yas. Ay ain't ban hold no grudge long."
MISSED HIS CHANCE
Before introducing Lieutenant de Tessan, aide to General Joffre, and
Colonel Fabry, the "Blue Devil of France," Chairman Spencer, of the St.
Louis entertainment committee, at the M.A.A. breakfast told this
anecdote:
"In Washington Lieutenant de Tessan was approached by a pretty American
girl, who said:
"'And did you kill a German soldier?'
"'Yes,' he replied.
"'With what hand did you do it?' she inquired.
"'With this right hand,' he said.
"And then the pretty American girl seized his right hand and kissed it.
Colonel Fabry stood near by. He strolled over and said to Lieutenant de
Tessan:
"'Heavens, man, why didn't you tell her that you bit him to death?'"
GREAT RELIEF IN HEAVEN
The following story is from the _Libre Belgique_, the anonymous
periodical secretly published in Brussels, and which the utmost
vigilance of the German authorities has been unable to suppress.
Once upon a time Doctor Bethman-Holweg went up to heaven. The pearly
gates were shut, but he began to push his way through in the usual
German fashion. St. Peter rushed out of his lodge, much annoyed at the
commotion.
"Hi, there, who are you?" he demanded.
"I am Doctor Von Bethman-Holweg, the imperial chancellor," was the
haughty reply.
"Well, you don't seem to be dead; what are you doing around here?"
"I want to see God."
"Sorry," replied St. Peter, "but I don't think you can see him to-day;
in fact, he's not very well."
"Ah, I'm distressed to hear that," said the chancellor somewhat more
politely. "What seems to be the trouble?"
"We don't quite know, but we are afraid it is a case of exaggerated
ego," answered St. Peter. "He keeps walking up and down, occasionally
striking his chest with his clenched fist, and muttering to himself: 'I
am the kaiser! I am the kaiser!'"
"Dear me! that is really very sad," said the chancellor in a still
kindlier tone. "Now I happen to be the bearer of a communication from my
imperial master; perhaps it might cheer him up to hear it."
"What is it?"
"Why, the emperor has just issued a decree, providing that in future he
shall have the use of the nobiliary particle; from henceforth he will
have the right to call himself 'Von Gott'."
"Step right in, your excellency," interrupted St. Peter. "I am very sure
the new Graf will be much gratified to learn of the honor done him.
Third door to the right. Mind the step. Thank you."
UNCHANGEABLE
A story about Lord Kitchener, who was often spoken of as "the most
distinguished bachelor in the world," is being told. A young member of
his staff when he was in India asked for a furlough in order to go home
and be married. Kitchener listened to him patiently then he said:
"Kenilworth, you're not yet twenty-five. Wait a year. If then you still
desire to do this thing you shall have leave."
The year passed. The officer once more proffered his request.
"After thinking it over for twelve months," said Kitchener, "you still
wish to marry?"
"Yes, sir."
"Very well, you shall have your furlough. And frankly, my boy, I
scarcely thought there was so much constancy in the masculine world."
Kenilworth, the story concludes, marched to the door, but turned to say
as he was leaving: "Thank you, sir. Only it's not the same woman."
HE KNEW THE LAW
An old colored man charged with stealing chickens was arraigned in court
and was incriminating himself when the judge said:
"You ought to have a lawyer. Where's your lawyer?"
"Ah ain't got no lawyer, jedge," said the old man.
"Very well, then," said his honor, "I'll assign a lawyer to defend you."
"Oh, no, suh; no, suh! Please don't do dat!" the darky begged.
"Why not?" asked the judge. "It won't cost you anything. Why don't you
want a lawyer?"
"Well, jedge, Ah'll tell you, suh," said the old man, waving his
tattered old hat confidentially. "Hit's dis way. Ah wan' tah enjoy dem
chickens mahse'f."
A SERMON ON THE WAR BY PARSON BROWN
The historic colored preacher who held forth so strenuously after the
Civil War has almost become obsolete, but in certain sections he still
holds his own, as the following sermon, taken from _Life_, will show:
Brederen an' Sisterin: I done read de Bible from kiver to kiver, from
lid to lid an' from end to end, an' nowhar do I find a mo' 'propriate
tex' at dis time, when de whole worl' is scrimmigin' wid itse'f, dan de
place whar Paul Pinted de Pistol at de Philippines an' said, "Dou art de
man."
Kaiser Bill ob Germany is de man, an' Uncle Sam done got de pistol
pinted his way, an' goin' to pull de trigger, lessen Bill gits off his
perch, like dat woman Jezebel dat sassed Ahab from de roof top.
Ahab say to his soldiers, "Go up an' th'ow dat woman down," an' dey
th'ew her down. Den he say, "Go up an' th'ow her down again," an' dey
th'ew her down again; an' he say, "Take her back up an th'ow her down
seben times," an' dey th'owed her down seben times, an' ast if dat ain't
enough.
But Ahab done got his dander up, an' say, "No! Dat ain't enough. Th'ow
her down sebenty times seben."
And afterwards dey done pick up twelve baskets ob de fragments dereob.
Dat's what gwine ter happen ter dat Bill Heah Him Hollerin.
De Good Book done fo'told dis here war, an' jist how it gwine ter end.
Don't it say about de four beasts in de book of Relations, what spit
fire an' brimstone, meanin' de Kaiser, de Turks, de Ostriches, and de
Bullgeraniums, case two ob dem beasteses is birds, an' Ostriches an'
Turkys is birds. De bigges' beast is de Kaiser, case he uses Germans to
pizen his enemies. De newspapers say as how diseases is all caused by
Germans gittin' in de food an' bein' breathed in de lungs, givin' folks
hydrophobia an' lumbago an' consumption.
Dis brings us to de time when Abraham led de chillun ob Israel into
Egypt, an' Moses led 'em out again case de folks ob Egypt so bad dey
shoot craps all day, and eben make Faro de king. Dey take all de money
'way from de Jews an' raise de price ob cawn an' hay till de po' Jews
can't live.
Rockefeller-Morgan Faro, de king, say dey can't go, but Moses done got
de Lawd on his side, an' he crossed de Red Sea in submarines, so Faro
got drowned wid all his host. De mummy ob dat same Faro is still alive
in de big museums ob de world, but whar de host is no man can tell.
Dat de way de Wall Street gang dat been raisin' de price ob food gwine
ter pass in dey checks--in de Red Sea ob blood ob dis war.
Moses an' de Jews went trabelin' ober de desert till one day dey gits so
hungry dey makes a fatted calf ob gold while Moses up on Mount Sinai
gittin' de law laid down. Moses come er-cussin' back an' busted de Law
ober Aaron's head, an' den dey killed de fatted calf an' put a ring on
his finger. For de prodigal done return, an' dey is mo' rejoicin' ober
one sinner sabed dan ninety an' nine what doan know 'nuff to put deir
money in de contribution box instead ob shootin' it 'way on craps.
Oh, I knows you backsliders, an' ef any ob you doan come across while
Dekin Jones passes de box, I'se gwine ter preach nex' Sunday on what
happened ter de money-chasers in de temple.
We will now sing two verses ob "Th'ow Out de Lifeline, Anoder Ship
Sinkin' To-day."
"OVER HERE"
The hobo knocked at the back door and the lady of the house appeared.
"Lady," he said, "I was at the front--"
"You poor man!" she exclaimed. "One of war's victims. Wait till I get
you some food, and you shall tell me your story. You were in the
trenches, you say?"
"Not in the trenches. I was at the front--"
"Don't try to talk with your mouth full. Take your time. What deed of
heroism did you do at the front?"
"Why, I knocked, but I couldn't make nobody hear, so I came around to
the back."
LIFE'S ETERNAL QUERY
Did it ever occur to you that a man's life is full of cussedness? He
comes into the world without his consent, and goes out against his will,
and the trip between is exceedingly rocky.
When he is little, the big girls kiss him; when he is big, the little
girls kiss him. If he is poor, he is a bad manager; if he is rich, he's
a crook. If he is prosperous, everybody wants to do him a favor; if he
needs credit, they hand him a lemon.
If he is in politics, it is for graft; if out of politics, he is no good
to his country. If he doesn't give to charity, he's a tightwad; if he
does, it's for show. If he is actively religious, he is a hypocrite; and
if he takes no interest in religion, he is a heathen.
If he is affectionate, he is a soft mark; if he cares for no one, he is
cold-blooded. If he dies young, there was a great future for him; if he
lives to an old age, he missed his calling.
If you don't fight, you're yellow; if you do, you're a brute.
If you save your money, you're a grouch; if you spend it, you're a
loafer; if you get it, you're a grafter, and if you don't get it, you're
a bum.
_So what's the use?_
HIGH FINANCE
Even certain professors, who are supposed to be immune from commercial
inducements are sometimes financially overcautious. A party of tourists
were watching Professor X as he exhumed the wrapt body of an ancient
Egyptian.
"Judging from the utensils about him," remarked the professor, "this
mummy must have been an Egyptian plumber."
"Wouldn't it be interesting," said a romantic young lady, "if we could
bring him to life?"
"Interesting, but a bit risky," returned Professor X. "Somebody might
have to pay him for his time."
MATRIMONIAL PROFUNDITY
A young planter in Mississippi had an old servant called Uncle Mose, who
had cared for him as a child and whose devotion had never waned. The
young man became engaged to a girl of the neighborhood who had a
reputation for unusual beauty and also for a very violent temper.
Noticing that Uncle Mose never mentioned his approaching marriage, the
planter said:
"Mose, you know I am going to marry Miss Currier?"
"Yassuh, I knows it."
"I haven't heard you say anything about it," persisted the planter.
"No, suh," said Mose. "Tain't fo' me to say nothin' 'bout it. I's got
nothin' to say."
"But you must have some opinion about so important a step on my part."
"Well, suh," said the old negro with some hesitation, "yo' knows one
thing--the most p'izonest snakes has got the most prettiest skins."
THE NEW REGIME
The new change in social conditions to be brought about by the war is
illustrated in the following advertisements taken from _Life_:
SITUATIONS WANTED
HUSBAND AND WIFE would like position as gardener and cook, or will do
anything. 23 years in last place as czar and czarina. Salary not so
important as permanent place in quiet, peaceful atmosphere. Address
ROMANOFF, this paper.
EMPLOYERS, giving up royalty, would like to secure position for their
king. Steady, experienced, thoroughly broken to crown and sceptre.
Distance no objection. Will go anywhere. Small salary to start.
CONSTANTINE, 49 Greece, in rear. (Ring Sophy's bell.)
YOUNG MONARCH, 28 years old, 4 years as king in last place, would accept
like position in small, tranquil country, Latin preferred. No objection
to South America. Light, rangy and stylish, very fast, and thoroughly
broken to bombs and revolutions. MANUEL J. PORTUGAL, London.
KING AND QUEEN, Swedish, expecting to make change shortly, would like
position as gardener and coachman, cook and laundress. Good home more
important than salary. A1 references. Address GUS and VICKY, care this
paper.
EMPEROR, 29 years as Kaiser in present position, expecting to be at
liberty shortly, owing to change in employers' circumstances, would like
place as assassin, or pig-sticker in abattoir. No aversion to blood.
Cool, resourceful, determined. Address EFFICIENT, care this paper.
WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS;
Thus, seeking to be kind and fraternal, but at the same time perfectly
honest, if we make mistakes, we may still comfort ourselves with the
assurance which his Irish Catholic servant once expressed to the devout
and learned Bishop Whately.
"Do you really believe," he asked her, "that there is no salvation
outside of the Roman Catholic Church?"
"Shure, an' I do," she replied, "for that's what the praist ses."
"Well, then, what is going to become of me?"
"Oh, that's all right," she answered, with an Irish twinkle in her eyes.
"Yer riverence will be saved by yer ignorince."
WHEN THE "S" FELL OUT
"We are thorry to thay," explained the editor of the Skedunk _Weekly
News_, "that our compothing-room wath entered lath night by thome
unknown thcoundrel, who thtole every 'eth' in the ethtablithment, and
thucceeded in making hith ethcape undetected.
"The motive of the mithcreant doubtleth wath revenge for thome
thuppothed inthult.
"It thall never be thaid that the petty thpite of any thmall-thouled
villain hath dithabled the _Newth_, and if thith meet the eye of the
detethtable rathcal, we beg to athure him that he underethtimated the
rethourceth of a firtht-clath newthpaper when he thinkth he can cripple
it hopelethly by breaking into the alphabet. We take occathion to thay
to him furthermore that before next Thurthday we thall have three timeth
ath many etheth ath he thtole.
"We have reathon to thuthpect that we know the cowardly thkunk who
committed thith act of vandalithm, and if he ith ever theen prowling
about thith ethtablithment again, by day or by night, nothing will give
uth more thatithfaction than to thoot hith hide full of holeth."
FULL PARTICULARS FREE
They were seated in a tramcar--the mother and her little boy.
The conductor eyed the little boy suspiciously. He had to keep a lookout
for people who pretended that their children were younger than they
really were, in order to obtain free rides for them.
"And how old is your little boy, madam, please?"
"Three and a half," said the mother truthfully.
"Right, ma'am," said the conductor, satisfied.
Little Willie pondered a minute. It seemed to him that fuller
information was required.
"And mother's thirty-one," he said politely.
THEY WERE SO GLAD TO SEE HIM
"I am taking some notes about civic pride," said the urbane stranger, as
he wandered into the up-to-date community. "I suppose you have such a
thing?"
"Well, I should say we had," said the corner real estate agent. "I am
loaded with it myself."
"Good!" replied the agent, taking out his memo-book. "I'll make a note
of it. This, you will understand, is a more or less scientific inquiry,
and I shall make my estimates as carefully as possible, with all due
regard to the human equation. Who, should you say, has the most civic
pride in town?"
"That is some problem," replied the agent, "but you might go across the
way to the Woman's Club. Out of courtesy to the ladies I am ready to
yield the palm."
"Yes," said the president of the Woman's Club when she had heard the
visitor's errand. "We have the most civic pride, of course. The Town
Council thinks it has, and the Board of Education thinks it has, but pay
no attention to them; we are on the job day and night; as a factory for
turning out civic pride, nobody in this vicinity can beat us. You want
to hear my lecture on the subject at the next meeting."
"Thanks," said the visitor, "but you will appreciate that in these
piping times of war, I am a busy man, and must hurry on. Has anybody
else any civic pride here that you could name?"
He was presented with a list and went about town getting them all down.
At the end of several days, all the organizations in town that dealt in
civic pride got together and arranged for a banquet for the
distinguished stranger. They were immensely proud that he had come among
them.
It was a great affair. The mayor, who was swelling with civic pride,
vied with the president of the Woman's Club. It was, indeed, a
neck-and-neck race between them as to who had the greater quantity of
civic pride.
At the end of the banquet, when they were all bidding the guest good-bye
with tears streaming down their faces, the only pessimist in town got up
and said:
"Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, for obtruding my repellent personality
on this joyful assemblage, but our dear guest will not, I am sure,
object to answering a simple question. I have no civic pride myself, but
do you mind, sir, telling me the object of your visit to this lovely
little burg?"
"Certainly not," said the guest, as he prepared to take a quick slant
through the door, "no objection at all. You see, my friends, civic pride
is the only thing that the government hasn't taxed. You'll get your
bills a little later, based on your own estimates. Much obliged for all
your first-hand information."
HAD TO BE SETTLED
"Johnny, it was very wrong for you and the boy next door to fight."
"We couldn't help it, father."
"Could you not have settled your differences by a peaceful discussion
of the matter, calling in the assistance of unprejudiced opinion, if
need be?"
"No, father. He was sure he could whip me and I was sure I could whip
him, and there was only one way to find out."
STILL UNBEATEN
The sergeant-major had the reputation of never being at a loss for an
answer. A young officer made a bet with a brother officer that he would
in less than twenty-four hours ask the sergeant-major a question that
would baffle him.
The sergeant-major accompanied the young officer on his rounds, in the
course of which the cook-house was inspected. Pointing to a large copper
of water just commencing to boil, the officer said:
"Why does that water only boil round the edges of the copper and not in
the centre?"
"The water round the edge, sir," replied the veteran, "is for the men on
guard; they have their breakfast half an hour before the remainder of
the company."
ACCOUNTING FOR IT
Levi Cohen was looking very dejected. That morning he left the house
with five pounds in his pocket to try his luck at the races, but, alas!
he had returned at nightfall footsore and weary, and nothing in his
possession but a bad half-penny.
No wonder his better half was in a bad temper. "How is it," she snapped,
"that you're so unlucky at the races, and yet you always win at cards?"
"Well, my dear," responded Levi, meekly, "you see, it's this way: I
don't shuffle the horses."
HIS LACK
A keen-eyed mountaineer led his overgrown son into a country
schoolhouse.
"This here boy's arter larnin'," he announced. "What's yer bill o'
fare?"
"Our curriculum, sir," corrected the school-master, "embraces geography,
arithmetic, trigonometry--"
"That'll do," interrupted the father. "That'll do. Load him up well with
triggernometry. He's the only poor shot in the family."
A REVISED CLASSIC
"Now, my dear girl," said Bluebeard, "remember you can go anywhere in
the house but the pantry. That is locked up, and the key will be placed
under the mat. Remove it at your peril."
Consumed with curiosity, Mrs. Bluebeard could scarcely wait until her
husband had cranked his machine before she was trying the key. It fitted
perfectly. She turned it, and entered. Within was the finest collection
of provisions that she had ever seen: at least a hundred dozen eggs
preserved in water, sacks of potatoes, barrels of wheat--in fact, a
complete commissary department.
And then, as she looked out of the window, she gave a faint scream. Her
husband was returning. He had a puncture. She retained her presence of
mind, however, long enough to step to the telephone. Just as she had
finished delivering the message Bluebeard entered.
"Ha!" he exclaimed. "So you have forced the pantry. I see flour on your
lips. Prepare to die."
Mrs. Bluebeard only smiled.
"Not so fast," she muttered. At this moment Herbert Hoover entered the
house.
"So you are the wretch who has been storing up private food supplies,
contrary to my orders!" he exclaimed. "Ninety days in jail!"
Whereupon Mrs. Bluebeard, waving her late lord and master farewell,
prepared to beat up a luscious eggnog.
SCOTCH THRILLS
Sandy Macpherson came home after many years and met his old sweetheart.
Honey-laden memories thrilled through the twilight and flushed their
glowing cheeks.
"Ah, Mary," exclaimed Sandy, "ye're just as beautiful as ye ever were,
and I ha'e never forgotten ye, my bonnie lass."
"And ye, Sandy," she cried, while her blue eyes moistened, "are just as
big a leear as ever, an' I believe ye jist the same."
HIS APPLICATION
An alien, wishing to be naturalized, applied to the clerk of the office,
who requested him to fill out a blank, which he handed him. The first
three lines of the blank ran as follows:
Name?
Born?
Business?
The answers follow:
Name, Jacob Levinsky.
Born, Yes.
Business, Rotten.
A CLINCHER
Pat O'Flaherty, very palpably not a prohibitionist, was arrested in
Arizona recently, charged with selling liquor in violation of the
Prohibition law. But Pat had an impregnable defense. His counsel, in
addressing the jury, said:
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