Letters to a Daughter and A Little Sermon to School Girls by Helen Ekin Starrett
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Helen Ekin Starrett >> Letters to a Daughter and A Little Sermon to School Girls
LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER
AND
A LITTLE SERMON TO SCHOOL-GIRLS.
BY
HELEN EKIN STARRETT,
Author of "The Future of Educated Women," etc.
CHICAGO:
JANSEN, McCLURG, & COMPANY.
1886.
COPYRIGHT,
BY JANSEN, MCCLURG, & CO.
A.D. 1885.
CONTENTS.
LETTER I. BEHAVIOR AND MANNERS 5
LETTER II. SELF-CONTROL AND SELF-CULTURE 16
LETTER III. AIMS IN LIFE 27
LETTER IV. PERSONAL HABITS 35
LETTER V. SOCIETY--CONVERSATION 46
LETTER VI. ASSOCIATES AND FRIENDS 59
LETTER VII. TACT--UNOBTRUSIVENESS 71
LETTER VIII. WHO ARE THE CULTIVATED? 81
LETTER IX. RELIGIOUS CULTURE AND DUTY 88
A LITTLE SERMON TO SCHOOL-GIRLS 101
LETTERS TO A DAUGHTER.
LETTER I.
BEHAVIOR AND MANNERS.
_My Dear Daughter:_--One of the greatest blessings I could wish for you,
as you pass out from the guardianship of home into life with its duties
and trials, is that you should possess the power of winning love and
friends. With this power, the poor girl is rich; without it, the richest
girl is poor. In the main, this power of winning friends and love
depends upon two things: behavior and manners. Between these there is an
important distinction, but one is the outgrowth of the other. The root
of good manners is good behavior. Consider with me for a little what
each implies.
Behavior is a revealer of real character. It has especially to do with
the more serious duties and relations of life. Its greatest importance
is in the home. How well do I remember a visit, made in my youth, to a
school friend whom I had learned to admire greatly for her superior
intellect, quick wit, power of acquiring knowledge, and ability to
recite well in class. In her home she was rude and disrespectful and
even disobedient to her parents; cross and sarcastic with her brothers
and sisters; selfish and indolent in all matters pertaining to the work
of the household. What a disenchantment was my experience! That great
and good man, who has written so many noble precepts about the conduct
of life, Mr. Emerson, in speaking of and praising a noble citizen, says:
"Never was such force, good meaning, good sense, good action, combined
with such lovely domestic behavior, such modesty, and persistent
preference for others." This was what was lacking in my school friend:
lovely domestic behavior. Nothing could compensate for this deficiency.
What was needed in this young girl in order that she might have
exhibited in her daily life a "lovely domestic behavior"? An almost
total reconstruction of character; such a cultivation of the moral sense
as would have made it a matter of conscience with her to "honor her
father and mother," to be respectful to them and desirous of pleasing
and serving them. Selfishness was the main cause of her ill-treatment of
her brothers and sisters, as it was of her indolence, and her
indifference to the performance of her share of the household duties.
Her behavior in the home was such that she repelled, rather than
attracted, affection. Her own personal preference, mood, feeling, were
constantly allowed to control her conduct; and the deep underlying
deficiency in her character was lack of a tender conscience and of a
sense of duty.
Lovely domestic behavior is the natural outgrowth and expression of a
beautiful, harmonious, and lovely character In order to behave
beautifully, we must cultivate assiduously the graces of the spirit. We
must persistently strive against selfishness, ill-temper irritability,
indolence. It is impossible for the selfish or ill-tempered girl to win
love and friends. Generosity, kindness, self-denial, industry--these are
the traits which inspire love and win friends. These are the graces that
will make the humblest home beautiful and happy, and without which the
costliest mansion is a mere empty shell.
One more point in regard to behavior I wish to impress upon your mind as
of very great importance, although it relates less to the home and more
to general society. I mean that of modest behavior as distinguished
from forwardness and boldness. One of the greatest charms of young
girlhood is modesty; one of the greatest blemishes in the character of
any young person, especially of any young girl or woman, is forwardness,
boldness, pertness. The young girl who acts in such a manner as to
attract attention in public; who speaks loudly, and jokes and laughs and
tells stories in order to be heard by others than her immediate
companions; who dresses conspicuously; who enjoys being the object of
remark; who expresses opinions on all subjects with forward
self-confidence, is rightly regarded by all thoughtful and cultivated
people as one of the most disagreeable and obnoxious characters to be
met with in society. Modesty is one of the loveliest of graces, and
should be constantly cultivated.
And now you will see what I mean by saying that the root of good
manners is good behavior. In other words, good manners have their time
and living root in moral qualities and the Christian graces. There is a
certain surface display of manners which may be acquired and which may
deceive and pass with those who do not know us intimately; but there is
all the difference between such superficial good manners and those which
are real, that there is between the cut bouquet of flowers which
delights for an hour or two and then withers away, and the living,
growing plant which constantly delights us with fresh beauty and bloom.
What are the characteristics of the agreeable and beautiful manners that
are the ornament and charm of the well-behaved girl? First we should
place gentleness, quietness, and serenity or self-possession. It has
been well said by an observing social critic, that the person who has
no manners at all has good manners. What is meant by this, and there is
a deep truth in it, is that gentle and quiet manners do not attract
attention at all. Their greatest charm is their unobtrusiveness, just as
the charm and distinguishing mark of a well-dressed person is that the
dress is not striking or obtrusive. You can infer from this how
inconsistent with good manners is heat and exaggeration in conversation.
It is a just complaint among refined and cultivated people that many,
even of the well-educated young women of the present day, talk too
loudly and vehemently; are given to exaggeration of statement and slang
expressions. The greatest blemish of the conversation and manners of the
young people of to-day is obtrusiveness and exaggeration. By
obtrusiveness I mean a style of speech and manners that attracts
attention and remark; by exaggeration I mean the too constant use of
the superlative in conversation, and a certain incongruity and
inappropriateness of expression which is very offensive to the
cultivated taste. Such expressions as "perfectly awful," "perfectly
beautiful," "too lovely for anything," "hateful," "horrible," may
constantly be heard in conversation upon trivial and unimportant
subjects in companies of young people whose educational opportunities
and social advantages would lead us to expect a very different style of
conversation. So of incongruous and inappropriate expressions. "My
grandfather and grandmother died on the same day of the year? wasn't it
funny?" said a young miss to a companion She meant that it was a strange
circumstance or coincidence. It was the wise remark of a great man that
"culture kills exaggeration." True and careful culture should also weed
out from our beautiful and expressive English language all such
incongruities and blemishes of speech as I have indicated.
Referring once more to what I have said about obtrusiveness,
forwardness, or boldness, being an unpleasant characteristic of the
manners of many young people of the present day, I want to impress upon
you that much of this boldness arises from lack of deference or
reverence for parents, teachers, and older people. This lack of
deference is a great defect of character in any young person. It is
painfully noticeable in many homes where children never seem to think of
paying any respect to the presence of their parents or older people;
where they will monopolize conversation at table, interrupt their
parents and guests to ask irrelevant questions or relate irrelevant
incidents, enter a room abruptly, and, without waiting to learn whether
any one is speaking, at once begin to speak of something pertaining to
their own affairs. All this is bad behavior and bad manners. It is
morally wrong as well. God has commanded that we shall honor our father
and mother; and one beautiful precept of scripture is, "Thou shalt rise
up before the hoary head and honor the face of the old man."
To sum up in the short space of one letter the more important truths I
would impress upon your mind in regard to behavior and manners, let me
say this: There are good manuals of etiquette and social form which
should be read and studied by all young people. There are, also,
constant opportunities for observation of the conduct and manners of
polite people, by which young people may and should profit and learn to
observe the outward forms of society. These are easily learned and
practiced; but the finest, best, most genuine good manners can never be
acquired except as they become the natural expression of gentleness,
kindness intelligence, respect for parents and elders, and an earnest
desire to do good to our fellow beings. Strive, my dear child, to
cherish these graces in your heart, and good behavior and good manners
will naturally follow.
LETTER II.
SELF-CONTROL AND SELF-CULTURE.
_My Dear Daughter:_--One great and difficult lesson is given to each of
us to learn in this life, which must be learned if we ever hope to live
happy or useful lives. It is the lesson of self-control. Parents and
teachers and circumstances may help or hinder in the learning of this
lesson; but it depends mainly upon yourself, upon your own individual
will, whether you shall learn it or not. It is the first lesson which
wise parents and teachers strive to teach a child. It is the
fundamental, the all-important lesson of life. It extends to every
department of our nature and affects every act and-event of our lives.
Take notice with me how the possession or non-possession of the power of
self-control affects the lives of young people in a few particulars.
Certain self-evident duties are imposed upon every rational being. One
of the first of these is the duty of being usefully employed a large
portion of our time. It is probable that nearly all young people have a
certain dislike for work, and self-control must come in to help them do
the work that belongs to them to do. It may help you in acquiring this
self-control to reflect often what a really great thing it is to be able
to compel yourself to do from a sense of duty what you are naturally
disinclined to do? also what an unworthy and, indeed, contemptible thing
it is not to be able to make yourself do what you know you ought to do.
You are perhaps disinclined, for instance, to rise when you should in
the morning. You feel disposed to indulge your ease and comfort, and to
lie in bed when you know you should be awake and preparing for the day.
Here is one of the very instances in which if you will learn to control
and compel yourself you will soon reap substantial reward. The more you
indulge yourself, the harder does the task of rising and getting ready
for the day become. But say to yourself, "I will waken right away," rise
and walk around a little, and you will be surprised to find how soon the
habit of prompt rising will become easy. You have your morning duties to
perform, or your lessons to learn. If you say to yourself, when it is
time you should begin, "I will not loiter, but immediately set about my
work or study," you will find in the very act and determination a help
and strength, and pleasure even, which you can never imagine before you
have experienced it. God has so made us that in the very performance of
duty, however trivial, there is a reward and strength and a very high
kind of pleasure. But we need firm self-control to compel ourselves
thus to do our duty. I shall rejoice if any words of mine lead you to
test for yourself the truth of what I have said.
Self-control should extend to our speech, temper, and pleasures. To be
able to control the tongue is rightly esteemed one of the greatest of
moral achievements. You remember what the apostle James says, that "if
any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to
bridle [control] the whole body." It is so easy to say cross or unkind
words; so easy to make slighting or gossiping remarks about companions
or friends; so hard to efface the painful effects of such hasty or
ill-considered speech. It is so easy to make a petulant or disrespectful
reply to parents or teachers when they reprove; so much harder, yet so
much better, to acknowledge a fault and feel and express sorrow for
wrong-doing. Your own conscience and consciousness tell you how much
happier you feel when you have done the latter. Yet you need, over and
over again, to fortify yourself against temptation to hasty or
ill-natured or improper speech by determining beforehand that you will
not give way to the temptation; that you will control yourself. And
whenever you have allowed yourself to be overcome by such temptation you
should make it the occasion of serious reflection and earnest resolve to
be more guarded in future. You will have attained a great deal in the
direction of high and noble character when you have learned to control
your speech. It is the same in regard to controlling your temper. But
there is one truth of which I can assure you: If you will learn to be
silent and not speak at all when you feel that your temper is getting or
has gotten the better of you, you will soon get the better of your
temper. There is no such efficient discipline for a hasty temper as
determined, self-imposed silence. Then, too, there is a dignity about
silence under provocation that is impressive and effective. The greatest
disadvantage at which any person can be placed in the eyes of companions
and friends is that of losing control of one's tongue as well as of
one's temper. In nearly every case where we receive provocation or
affront, speech may be silver, but "silence is golden." The person who
keeps control of his temper controls everyone.
Self-control, once acquired, will be the most important factor in
helping to shape your life rightly in every direction It will keep you
from hurtful indulgence in mere pleasure; from harmful indulgence in
rich or improper foods; from too much dissipation of time and thought in
social enjoyment It will help you to leave the society of companions and
other pleasures in order to put your mind upon your studies or your
tasks; help you, when you find lessons hard and long, and that earnest
work is required to learn them, to perform that long and earnest work;
help you, when you feel disposed to give way to indisposition or
indolence, to hold steadily on till your tasks, no matter what they are,
are accomplished.
And as good behavior is the root of good manners, so self-control is the
root of all true self-culture. We hear a great deal now-a-days about
culture, cultured people, cultivated society, etc., and it is a good and
natural wish to possess culture and to be classed among cultured people.
Intelligence and good manners are the only passport into the charmed
circle. Self-control will enable us to become possessed of both. It will
enable us to restrain ourselves from all rude, loud, hasty, ungentle
speech and action, help us to modulate our voices, and even cultivate
our laughter. It will also enable us, through mental application and
effort, to acquire knowledge. So abundant are the intellectual treasures
now brought within the reach of everyone by the cheapness of standard
educational works of every kind, that the young person who is not
intelligent through reading and study has only himself or herself to
blame. Self-control will help you to study and learn faithfully when you
are in school; it will help you to decide upon and carry out some useful
course of reading and study if you are not in school; and this, even
though you have many other duties to perform. In every town and village
may be found persons competent to advise and direct courses of study and
reading for those who have the energy to pursue them. You will have no
excuse at any period of your life for failure to progress and improve
intellectually, except your own inability to compel yourself to make
use of the opportunities that lie all around you.
It is hardly necessary for me to remind you of what you know so well,
that in reading you should choose only the best books. We may without
harm divert the mind for a little each day by light miscellaneous
reading, but young people especially need to be warned against
indiscriminate novel or story reading. Here again the virtue of
self-control comes in to help do the right and avoid the wrong. If you
discover that your taste is more for the improbable highly-wrought pages
of fiction than for such works as are known to everyone as standard and
improving, let it be a sign to you that you should summon your
self-control and compel yourself to a different sort of reading. If you
find that you cannot relish or fix your mind upon standard works of
history biography, travel, or any of the many excellent books written
to bring scientific knowledge within the comprehension of the general
reader, then you may conclude rightly that your mind is in a very
uncultivated state.
Your own efforts and determination--in other words, your power of
self-control--alone can effect anything worthy in self-culture. To
attain the power of self-control in a high degree is one of the greatest
and most important aims we can set before us in life. I do not believe
it can ever be attained in our own strength. To rightly control temper
and speech and conduct requires help from the divine Spirit which is
always around and over us, and within us, if we will but let our hearts
be receptive to its influences. The greatest possible help to
self-control is to learn in the moment of temptation to lift the heart
to God in earnest aspiration for His help and guidance. A sense of the
presence of God is always a strength, and help when we are conscious of
earnest effort to do right. The Bible says: "It is God that worketh in
you both to will and to do of his good pleasure." It is one of the great
mysteries and yet one of the most evident truths of life, that we must
work ourselves, and that God works in and with us, to accomplish any
good thing. That you may know and realize this truth, and learn to find
for yourself the comfort and support and strength of soul that comes
from seeking after God, is my most earnest hope and prayer for you.
LETTER III.
AIMS IN LIFE.
_My Dear Daughter:_--There is no disputing the fact that in making plans
for life very different motives and aims influence young girls from
those which influence young men. Every right-minded and
affectionate-natured young girl looks forward to, and hopes most of all
to have, a home of her own, which it shall be her life-work to keep and
guide. To prepare herself rightly to fulfill all the duties that belong
to the mistress of a home, should be the one all-embracing aim of any
young girl's life; but with this should be other aims, which may help to
prepare her for vicissitudes, emergencies, or disasters, and also give
her worthy occupation and interest in life should she never be called
to the duties of a wife and mother.
To speak first of preparation to become the mistress of a home, should
Providence have such a future in store. What qualities are needed to
insure that a woman shall be a happy home-keeper? Certainly, a good
temper, a cheerful disposition, a willingness to give time and thought
to the details of home-keeping, commonly called domestic cares, habits
of order and neatness, and good health, so that one may both give and
receive pleasure while discharging the duties of the home.
This thought of a possible future home, the abode of love and happiness,
should be the greatest safeguard to every young girl in her acquaintance
and association with young men. A high ideal of the exclusiveness of
that affection which must be the foundation of every true and happy
home, should constrain every young girl to exercise the greatest
possible caution in regard to the advances of acquaintances of the
opposite sex. Not that there should be a prudish self-consciousness of
manner, or a disposition to suspect matrimonial intentions in every
young gentleman who is friendly and polite to her, but that all young
men should be firmly prevented from coming into any intimacy of
acquaintance or relationship that might cause unhappy and mortifying
reflection in after-time. Treat all young men kindly and respectfully,
if they are polite and respectful to you. Scorn to encourage any to make
advances which you know you will one day repel. But in discouraging such
advances, be kind and respectful. Never do or say anything wilfully to
wound and give pain to the feelings. Remember that the sharpest grief of
life, as well as its greatest happiness, is connected with the
love-making period in the life of all good young people, and never
treat with frivolity or rudeness any earnest feeling on the part of
anyone. The young girl who can rudely repulse the sincere advance of any
honorable young man has some defect in her moral and affectional nature
And as for any advance by a gentleman, young or old, that is not
respectful or sincere, a young girl is much to blame if it ever happens
more than once. Chaffing and teasing about beaux and courtship and
marriage are very unbecoming, and blur that delicacy of feeling which is
the greatest charm in the relation between young people of opposite
sexes.
Cherishing as the happiest ideal of life the possible future home of
your own, you should still remember that it may never be yours, and
should make such other provision for living your life as shall help you
to the next best thing. The first and highest good, next after a home of
your own, is to be able to render to the world some service for which
it will pay you, thus making you independent and enabling you to shape
your life as you wish. You and all young girls of the present generation
are happy in having avenues of useful remunerative occupation open to
you on every hand, and society smiles and approves if you work at
something to win independence and make money. It is scarcely necessary
to remind you that in order to do effective paying work you must choose
some specialty and acquire skill in its exercise before you can hope to
earn any considerable wages or salary. While perfecting yourself in the
specialty you will have abundant opportunity to observe that it takes
patience, perseverance, and determination, to do any kind of work well.
One great reason why so many fail of making any success in life is that
they have not the power of sticking steadily to their work. They get
tired, and want to stop; whereas the true worker works though he is
tired--works till it doesn't tire him to work; works on, unheeding the
numerous temptations to turn aside to this or that diversion. There are
now so many fields of honorable and profitable employment open to young
girls that it is only necessary for you to choose what you will do. But
make a choice to do something useful and worthy of your powers. You will
be happier, and you will be a better and nobler woman, for so doing. You
will be spared the discontent and restlessness of spirit which
characterize the girl with nothing in particular to do, and who often
becomes on this account a nuisance to all earnest people around her.
In order to fulfill aright the duties of any relation of life, the first
requirement the greatest necessity, next to a firm resolution and will,
is good health. Without good health there is no substantial foundation
for anything earthly. Good health is the fountain of human enjoyment and
the greatest of earthly riches. It is the great beautifier; it is the
great preservative of good looks. How strange, then, that so many girls
are so careless, so provokingly careless, of this priceless blessing!
How strange that they will wear clothing that they know tends to break
down their health; tight corsets that compress the lungs and spoil the
natural shape of the body; tight shoes that interfere with the
circulation of blood, and make their noses and hands red, and give them
predisposition to colds and coughs and nervous headaches, all of which
put to severe tests the patience and affection of those around them.
Good health is always attractive; ill-health, invalidism, nervousness,
are very apt to be repellant. Better good health than beauty, if one
were obliged to choose--which one is not, for good health is one of the
chief elements of beauty.