A \ B \ C \ D \ E \ F \ G \ H \ I \ J \ K \ L \ M \ N \ O \ P \ R \ S \ T \ U \ V \ W \Z

Three Lives by Gertrude Stein

G >> Gertrude Stein >> Three Lives




These months had been an uncertain time for Jeff Campbell. He never
knew how much he really knew about Melanctha. He saw her now for long
times and very often. He was beginning always more and more to like
her. But he did not seem to himself to know very much about her. He
was beginning to feel he could almost trust the goodness in her. But
then, always, really, he was not very sure about her. Melanctha always
had ways that made him feel uncertain with her, and yet he was so
near, in his feeling for her. He now never thought about all this in
real words any more. He was always letting it fight itself out in
him. He was now never taking any part in this fighting that was always
going on inside him.

Jeff always loved now to be with Melanctha and yet he always hated to
go to her. Somehow he was always afraid when he was to go to her,
and yet he had made himself very certain that here he would not be a
coward. He never felt any of this being afraid, when he was with her.
Then they always were very true, and near to one another. But always
when he was going to her, Jeff would like anything that could happen
that would keep him a little longer from her.

It was a very uncertain time, all these months, for Jeff Campbell. He
did not know very well what it was that he really wanted. He was very
certain that he did not know very well what it was that Melanctha
wanted. Jeff Campbell had always all his life loved to be with people,
and he had loved all his life always to be thinking, but he was still
only a great boy, was Jeff Campbell, and he had never before had any
of this funny kind of feeling. Now, this evening, when he was free
to go and see Melanctha, he talked to anybody he could find who would
detain him, and so it was very late when at last he came to the house
where Melanctha was waiting to receive him.

Jeff came in to where Melanctha was waiting for him, and he took off
his hat and heavy coat, and then drew up a chair and sat down by the
fire. It was very cold that night, and Jeff sat there, and rubbed
his hands and tried to warm them. He had only said "How do you do" to
Melanctha, he had not yet begun to talk to her. Melanctha sat there,
by the fire, very quiet. The heat gave a pretty pink glow to her pale
yellow and attractive face. Melanctha sat in a low chair, her hands,
with their long, fluttering fingers, always ready to show her strong
feeling, were lying quiet in her lap. Melanctha was very tired with
her waiting for Jeff Campbell. She sat there very quiet and just
watching. Jeff was a robust, dark, healthy, cheery negro. His hands
were firm and kindly and unimpassioned. He touched women always with
his big hands, like a brother. He always had a warm broad glow, like
southern sunshine. He never had anything mysterious in him. He
was open, he was pleasant, he was cheery, and always he wanted,
as Melanctha once had wanted, always now he too wanted really to
understand.

Jeff sat there this evening in his chair and was silent a long time,
warming himself with the pleasant fire. He did not look at Melanctha
who was watching. He sat there and just looked into the fire. At first
his dark, open face was smiling, and he was rubbing the back of his
black-brown hand over his mouth to help him in his smiling. Then he
was thinking, and he frowned and rubbed his head hard, to help him in
his thinking. Then he smiled again, but now his smiling was not very
pleasant. His smile was now wavering on the edge of scorning. His
smile changed more and more, and then he had a look as if he were
deeply down, all disgusted. Now his face was darker, and he was bitter
in his smiling, and he began, without looking from the fire, to talk
to Melanctha, who was now very tense with her watching.

"Melanctha Herbert", began Jeff Campbell, "I certainly after all this
time I know you, I certainly do know little, real about you. You see,
Melanctha, it's like this way with me"; Jeff was frowning, with his
thinking and looking very hard into the fire, "You see it's just this
way, with me now, Melanctha. Sometimes you seem like one kind of a
girl to me, and sometimes you are like a girl that is all different
to me, and the two kinds of girls is certainly very different to each
other, and I can't see any way they seem to have much to do, to be
together in you. They certainly don't seem to be made much like as if
they could have anything really to do with each other. Sometimes you
are a girl to me I certainly never would be trusting, and you got a
laugh then so hard, it just rattles, and you got ways so bad, I can't
believe you mean them hardly, and yet all that I just been saying is
certainly you one way I often see you, and it's what your mother and
Jane Harden always found you, and it's what makes me hate so, to come
near you. And then certainly sometimes, Melanctha, you certainly is
all a different creature, and sometimes then there comes out in you
what is certainly a thing, like a real beauty. I certainly, Melanctha,
never can tell just how it is that it comes so lovely. Seems to me
when it comes it's got a real sweetness, that is more wonderful than a
pure flower, and a gentleness, that is more tender than the sunshine,
and a kindness, that makes one feel like summer, and then a way
to know, that makes everything all over, and all that, and it does
certainly seem to be real for the little while it's lasting, for the
little while that I can surely see it, and it gives me to feel like I
certainly had got real religion. And then when I got rich with such
a feeling, comes all that other girl, and then that seems more likely
that that is really you what's honest, and then I certainly do get
awful afraid to come to you, and I certainly never do feel I could be
very trusting with you. And then I certainly don't know anything at
all about you, and I certainly don't know which is a real Melanctha
Herbert, and I certainly don't feel no longer, I ever want to talk to
you. Tell me honest, Melanctha, which is the way that is you really,
when you are alone, and real, and all honest. Tell me, Melanctha, for
I certainly do want to know it."

Melanctha did not make him any answer, and Jeff, without looking
at her, after a little while, went on with his talking. "And then,
Melanctha, sometimes you certainly do seem sort of cruel, and not to
care about people being hurt or in trouble, something so hard about
you it makes me sometimes real nervous, sometimes somehow like
you always, like your being, with 'Mis' Herbert. You sure did do
everything that any woman could, Melanctha, I certainly never did see
anybody do things any better, and yet, I don't know how to say just
what I mean, Melanctha, but there was something awful hard about your
feeling, so different from the way I'm always used to see good people
feeling, and so it was the way Jane Harden and 'Mis' Herbert talked
when they felt strong to talk about you, and yet, Melanctha, somehow
I feel so really near to you, and you certainly have got an awful
wonderful, strong kind of sweetness. I certainly would like to know
for sure, Melanctha, whether I got really anything to be afraid for. I
certainly did think once, Melanctha, I knew something about all kinds
of women. I certainly know now really, how I don't know anything sure
at all about you, Melanctha, though I been with you so long, and so
many times for whole hours with you, and I like so awful much to
be with you, and I can always say anything I am thinking to you. I
certainly do awful wish, Melanctha, I really was more understanding. I
certainly do that same, Melanctha."

Jeff stopped now and looked harder than before into the fire. His face
changed from his thinking back into that look that was so like as if
he was all through and through him, disgusted with what he had been
thinking. He sat there a long time, very quiet, and then slowly,
somehow, it came strongly to him that Melanctha Herbert, there
beside him, was trembling and feeling it all to be very bitter. "Why,
Melanctha," cried Jeff Campbell, and he got up and put his arm around
her like a brother. "I stood it just so long as I could bear it,
Jeff," sobbed Melanctha, and then she gave herself away, to her
misery, "I was awful ready, Jeff, to let you say anything you liked
that gave you any pleasure. You could say all about me what you
wanted, Jeff, and I would try to stand it, so as you would be sure to
be liking it, Jeff, but you was too cruel to me. When you do that kind
of seeing how much you can make a woman suffer, you ought to give her
a little rest, once sometimes, Jeff. They can't any of us stand it so
for always, Jeff. I certainly did stand it just as long as I could,
so you would like it, but I,--oh Jeff, you went on too long to-night
Jeff. I couldn't stand it not a minute longer the way you was doing
of it, Jeff. When you want to be seeing how the way a woman is really
made of, Jeff, you shouldn't never be so cruel, never to be thinking
how much she can stand, the strong way you always do it, Jeff." "Why,
Melanctha," cried Jeff Campbell, in his horror, and then he was very
tender to her, and like a good, strong, gentle brother in his soothing
of her, "Why Melanctha dear, I certainly don't now see what it is you
mean by what you was just saying to me. Why Melanctha, you poor little
girl, you certainly never did believe I ever knew I was giving you
real suffering. Why, Melanctha, how could you ever like me if you
thought I ever could be so like a red Indian?" "I didn't just know,
Jeff," and Melanctha nestled to him, "I certainly never did know just
what it was you wanted to be doing with me, but I certainly wanted
you should do anything you liked, you wanted, to make me more
understanding for you. I tried awful hard to stand it, Jeff, so as you
could do anything you wanted with me." "Good Lord and Jesus Christ,
Melanctha!" cried Jeff Campbell. "I certainly never can know anything
about you real, Melanctha, you poor little girl," and Jeff drew her
closer to him, "But I certainly do admire and trust you a whole lot
now, Melanctha. I certainly do, for I certainly never did think I was
hurting you at all, Melanctha, by the things I always been saying to
you. Melanctha, you poor little, sweet, trembling baby now, be good,
Melanctha. I certainly can't ever tell you how awful sorry I am to
hurt you so, Melanctha. I do anything I can to show you how I
never did mean to hurt you, Melanctha." "I know, I know," murmured
Melanctha, clinging to him. "I know you are a good man, Jeff. I always
know that, no matter how much you can hurt me." "I sure don't see how
you can think so, Melanctha, if you certainly did think I was trying
so hard just to hurt you." "Hush, you are only a great big boy, Jeff
Campbell, and you don't know nothing yet about real hurting," said
Melanctha, smiling up through her crying, at him. "You see, Jeff,
I never knew anybody I could know real well and yet keep on always
respecting, till I came to know you real well, Jeff." "I sure don't
understand that very well, Melanctha. I ain't a bit better than just
lots of others of the colored people. You certainly have been unlucky
with the kind you met before me, that's all, Melanctha. I certainly
ain't very good, Melanctha." "Hush, Jeff, you don't know nothing
at all about what you are," said Melanctha. "Perhaps you are right,
Melanctha. I don't say ever any more, you ain't right, when you say
things to me, Melanctha," and Jefferson sighed, and then he smiled,
and then they were quiet a long time together, and then after some
more kindness, it was late, and then Jeff left her.

Jeff Campbell, all these months, had never told his good mother
anything about Melanctha Herbert. Somehow he always kept his seeing
her so much now, to himself. Melanctha too had never had any of her
other friends meet him. They always acted together, these two, as if
their being so much together was a secret, but really there was no
one who would have made it any harder for them. Jeff Campbell did not
really know how it had happened that they were so secret. He did not
know if it was what Melanctha wanted. Jeff had never spoken to her
at all about it. It just seemed as if it were well understood between
them that nobody should know that they were so much together. It
was as if it were agreed between them, that they should be alone by
themselves always, and so they would work out together what they meant
by what they were always saying to each other.

Jefferson often spoke to Melanctha about his good mother. He never
said anything about whether Melanctha would want to meet her.
Jefferson never quite understood why all this had happened so, in
secret. He never really knew what it was that Melanctha really wanted.
In all these ways he just, by his nature, did, what he sort of felt
Melanctha wanted. And so they continued to be alone and much together,
and now it had come to be the spring time, and now they had all
out-doors to wander.

They had many days now when they were very happy. Jeff every day found
that he really liked Melanctha better. Now surely he was beginning to
have real, deep feeling in him. And still he loved to talk himself out
to Melanctha, and he loved to tell her how good it all was to him, and
how he always loved to be with her, and to tell her always all about
it. One day, now Jeff arranged, that Sunday they would go out and have
a happy, long day in the bright fields, and they would be all day just
alone together. The day before, Jeff was called in to see Jane Harden.

Jane Harden was very sick almost all day and Jeff Campbell did
everything he could to make her better. After a while Jane became more
easy and then she began to talk to Jeff about Melanctha. Jane did not
know how much Jeff was now seeing of Melanctha. Jane these days never
saw Melanctha. Jane began to talk of the time when she first knew
Melanctha. Jane began to tell how in these days Melanctha had very
little understanding. She was young then and she had a good mind. Jane
Harden never would say Melanctha never had a good mind, but in those
days Melanctha certainly had not been very understanding. Jane began
to explain to Jeff Campbell how in every way, she Jane, had taught
Melanctha. Jane then began to explain how eager Melanctha always had
been for all that kind of learning. Jane Harden began to tell how they
had wandered. Jane began to tell how Melanctha once had loved her,
Jane Harden. Jane began to tell Jeff of all the bad ways Melanctha had
used with her. Jane began to tell all she knew of the way Melanctha
had gone on, after she had left her. Jane began to tell all about the
different men, white ones and blacks, Melanctha never was particular
about things like that, Jane Harden said in passing, not that
Melanctha was a bad one, and she had a good mind, Jane Harden never
would say that she hadn't, but Melanctha always liked to use all the
understanding ways that Jane had taught her, and so she wanted to know
everything, always, that they knew how to teach her.

Jane was beginning to make Jeff Campbell see much clearer. Jane Harden
did not know what it was that she was really doing with all this
talking. Jane did not know what Jeff was feeling. Jane was always
honest when she was talking, and now it just happened she had started
talking about her old times with Melanctha Herbert. Jeff understood
very well that it was all true what Jane was saying. Jeff Campbell was
beginning now to see very clearly. He was beginning to feel very sick
inside him. He knew now many things Melanctha had not yet taught
him. He felt very sick and his heart was very heavy, and Melanctha
certainly did seem very ugly to him. Jeff was at last beginning to
know what it was to have deep feeling. He took care a little longer of
Jane Harden, and then he went to his other patients, and then he went
home to his room, and he sat down and at last he had stopped thinking.
He was very sick and his heart was very heavy in him. He was very
tired and all the world was very dreary to him, and he knew very well
now at last, he was really feeling. He knew it now from the way it
hurt him. He knew very well that now at last he was beginning to
really have understanding. The next day he had arranged to spend, long
and happy, all alone in the spring fields with Melanctha, wandering.
He wrote her a note and said he could not go, he had a sick patient
and would have to stay home with him. For three days after, he made no
sign to Melanctha. He was very sick all these days, and his heart
was very heavy in him, and he knew very well that now at last he had
learned what it was to have deep feeling.

At last one day he got a letter from Melanctha. "I certainly don't
rightly understand what you are doing now to me Jeff Campbell," wrote
Melanctha Herbert. "I certainly don't rightly understand Jeff Campbell
why you ain't all these days been near me, but I certainly do suppose
it's just another one of the queer kind of ways you have to be good,
and repenting of yourself all of a sudden. I certainly don't say to
you Jeff Campbell I admire very much the way you take to be good Jeff
Campbell. I am sorry Dr. Campbell, but I certainly am afraid I
can't stand it no more from you the way you have been just acting. I
certainly can't stand it any more the way you act when you have been
as if you thought I was always good enough for anybody to have with
them, and then you act as if I was a bad one and you always just
despise me. I certainly am afraid Dr. Campbell I can't stand it any
more like that. I certainly can't stand it any more the way you are
always changing. I certainly am afraid Dr. Campbell you ain't man
enough to deserve to have anybody care so much to be always with you.
I certainly am awful afraid Dr. Campbell I don't ever any more want
to really see you. Good-by Dr. Campbell I wish you always to be real
happy."

Jeff Campbell sat in his room, very quiet, a long time, after he got
through reading this letter. He sat very still and first he was very
angry. As if he, too, did not know very badly what it was to suffer
keenly. As if he had not been very strong to stay with Melanctha when
he never knew what it was that she really wanted. He knew he was very
right to be angry, he knew he really had not been a coward. He knew
Melanctha had done many things it was very hard for him to forgive
her. He knew very well he had done his best to be kind, and to
trust her, and to be loyal to her, and now;--and then Jeff suddenly
remembered how one night Melanctha had been so strong to suffer, and
he felt come back to him the sweetness in her, and then Jeff knew that
really, he always forgave her, and that really, it all was that he was
so sorry he had hurt her, and he wanted to go straight away and be a
comfort to her. Jeff knew very well, that what Jane Harden had told
him about Melanctha and her bad ways, had been a true story, and yet
he wanted very badly to be with Melanctha. Perhaps she could teach
him to really understand it better. Perhaps she could teach him how it
could be all true, and yet how he could be right to believe in her and
to trust her.

Jeff sat down and began his answer to her. "Dear Melanctha," Jeff
wrote to her. "I certainly don't think you got it all just right in
the letter, I just been reading, that you just wrote me. I certainly
don't think you are just fair or very understanding to all I have
to suffer to keep straight on to really always to believe in you and
trust you. I certainly don't think you always are fair to remember
right how hard it is for a man, who thinks like I was always thinking,
not to think you do things very bad very often. I certainly don't
think, Melanctha, I ain't right when I was so angry when I got your
letter to me. I know very well, Melanctha, that with you, I never have
been a coward. I find it very hard, and I never said it any different,
it is hard to me to be understanding, and to know really what it is
you wanted, and what it is you are meaning by what you are always
saying to me. I don't say ever, it ain't very hard for you to be
standing that I ain't very quick to be following whichever way that
you are always leading. You know very well, Melanctha, it hurts me
very bad and way inside me when I have to hurt you, but I always got
to be real honest with you. There ain't no other way for me to be,
with you, and I know very well it hurts me too, a whole lot, when
I can't follow so quick as you would have me. I don't like to be a
coward to you, Melanctha, and I don't like to say what I ain't meaning
to you. And if you don't want me to do things honest, Melanctha, why
I can't ever talk to you, and you are right when you say, you never
again want to see me, but if you got any real sense of what I always
been feeling with you, and if you got any right sense, Melanctha, of
how hard I been trying to think and to feel right for you, I will be
very glad to come and see you, and to begin again with you. I don't
say anything now, Melanctha, about how bad I been this week, since
I saw you, Melanctha. It don't ever do any good to talk such things
over. All I know is I do my best, Melanctha, to you, and I don't say,
no, never, I can do any different than just to be honest and come as
fast as I think it's right for me to be going in the ways you teach
me to be really understanding. So don't talk any more foolishness,
Melanctha, about my always changing. I don't change, never, and I got
to do what I think is right and honest to me, and I never told you
any different, and you always knew it very well that I always would do
just so. If you like me to come and see you to-morrow, and go out with
you, I will be very glad to, Melanctha. Let me know right away, what
it is you want me to be doing for you, Melanctha.

Very truly yours,
Jefferson Campbell

"Please come to me, Jeff." Melanctha wrote back for her answer. Jeff
went very slowly to Melanctha, glad as he was, still to be going to
her. Melanctha came, very quick, to meet him, when she saw him
from where she had been watching for him. They went into the house
together. They were very glad to be together. They were very good to
one another.

"I certainly did think, Melanctha, this time almost really, you never
did want me to come to you at all any more to see you," said Jeff
Campbell to her, when they had begun again with their talking to each
other. "You certainly did make me think, perhaps really this time,
Melanctha, it was all over, my being with you ever, and I was very
mad, and very sorry, too, Melanctha."

"Well you certainly was very bad to me, Jeff Campbell," said
Melanctha, fondly.

"I certainly never do say any more you ain't always right, Melanctha,"
Jeff answered and he was very ready now with cheerful laughing, "I
certainly never do say that any more, Melanctha, if I know it, but
still, really, Melanctha, honest, I think perhaps I wasn't real bad to
you any more than you just needed from me."

Jeff held Melanctha in his arms and kissed her. He sighed then and was
very silent with her. "Well, Melanctha," he said at last, with some
more laughing, "well, Melanctha, any way you can't say ever it ain't,
if we are ever friends good and really, you can't say, no, never, but
that we certainly have worked right hard to get both of us together
for it, so we shall sure deserve it then, if we can ever really get
it." "We certainly have worked real hard, Jeff, I can't say that ain't
all right the way you say it," said Melanctha. "I certainly never
can deny it, Jeff, when I feel so worn with all the trouble you been
making for me, you bad boy, Jeff," and then Melanctha smiled and then
she sighed, and then she was very silent with him.

At last Jeff was to go away. They stood there on the steps for a long
time trying to say good-by to each other. At last Jeff made himself
really say it. At last he made himself, that he went down the steps
and went away.

On the next Sunday they arranged, they were to have the long happy day
of wandering that they had lost last time by Jane Harden's talking.
Not that Melanctha Herbert had heard yet of Jane Harden's talking.

Jeff saw Melanctha every day now. Jeff was a little uncertain all this
time inside him, for he had never yet told to Melanctha what it was
that had so nearly made him really want to leave her. Jeff knew that
for him, it was not right he should not tell her. He knew they could
only have real peace between them when he had been honest, and had
really told her. On this long Sunday Jeff was certain that he would
really tell her.

They were very happy all that day in their wandering. They had taken
things along to eat together. They sat in the bright fields and they
were happy, they wandered in the woods and they were happy. Jeff
always loved in this way to wander. Jeff always loved to watch
everything as it was growing, and he loved all the colors in the trees
and on the ground, and the little, new, bright colored bugs he found
in the moist ground and in the grass he loved to lie on and in which
he was always so busy searching. Jeff loved everything that moved and
that was still, and that had color, and beauty, and real being.

Copyright (c) 2007. bestextbooks.com. All rights reserved.

George Gibbs - "Dictionary of the Chinook Jargon, or, Trade Language of Oregon"

E. V. Lucas - "A Wanderer in Holland"

Lady I. A. Gregory - "Three Wonder Plays"

Mrs. Eugenia Dunlap Potts - "Historic Papers on the Causes of the Civil War"