If Only etc. by Francis Clement Philips and Augustus Harris
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Francis Clement Philips and Augustus Harris >> If Only etc.
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MRS. TEMPENNY.
Rembrandt! Why did you keep me waiting--there's a sheriff's officer on
his way here with a warrant. He has been at the house, and the servant
ran round to Sylvester's to tell me. You must escape.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Escape?
MRS. TEMPENNY.
Fly!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
I can't fly--I am not built for flying.
MRS. TEMPENNY.
Then you must hide.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Where?
MRS. TEMPENNY.
(_Pointing to room where Rosaline is concealed_.) There!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
No, no, Hark!
(_Very heavy steps are heard ascending stairs_.)
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
I hear a footfall.
MRS. TEMPENNY (_in terror_).
Hide yourself--quick.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (_in terror_).
I can't.
MRS. TEMPENNY.
Why not?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (_loftily_).
A hero never hides. Ah, I have it. I'll jump from the window.
(_Struggles into his coat and hat_.)
MRS. TEMPENNY.
There is the conservatory underneath.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
I'll jump clear of it. Don't let him in for a minute.
(_He plants a lay-figure in front of canvas, with its back to door in
flat, then proceeds to dress it up to resemble himself at work. Brush
in hand, etc_.)
GROGGINS (_off_).
Mr. Tempenny!
(_Knocks at door_.)
MRS. TEMPENNY.
Who's there?
(_She goes to door, half opening it, so that_ GROGGINS _has a partial
view of lay-figure_.)
GROGGINS.
I have a warrant here for Mr. Rembrandt Tempenny--matter of forty pun'.
MRS. TEMPENNY.
Sh! He is painting.
GROGGINS.
I can't help whether he's painting or not, marm. The question is
whether he is paying or not.
MRS. TEMPENNY.
Man, my husband cannot be disturbed. Don't you see?--he is inspired.
GROGGINS.
Well, he'll be in--Wandsworth if he don't part.
MRS. TEMPENNY.
Sh! talk softly. Your voice will jar upon him.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (_aside_).
Now for it. (_At window_.) One--two--three--I don't like the look of
that glass-house much.
_(Hesitates)._
GROGGINS (_decisively_).
I must come in, marm--out of the way if _you_ please.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (_aside_).
Oh! It's now or never.
(_Jumps out. A tremendous crash of broken glass is heard_.)
MRS. TEMPENNY (_with a shriek_).
Ah!
GROGGINS (_pushing her aside_).
What's that? (_Aside_.) Oh, there he is. (_Aloud_.) Here you Mr.
Tempenny, sir, I've a warrant 'ere on a judgment summons.--Suit of Cole
the butcher. (_Addressing lay-figure_.) Do you pay up, or come along o'
me?
MRS. TEMPENNY (_at window--aside_).
He's picked himself up--he waves his hand--all is well.
GROGGINS.
Which is it, sir? I allus likes to do business pleasant, only you must
make up your mind, you know. Pay up, or lock up--take your choice.
MRS. TEMPENNY.
(_At window. Excitedly aside_.) He disappears--he's lost to view--the
danger's past.
GROGGINS.
Well, if you _won't_ speak, you _won't_, of course! I've done my 'umble
best to do my dooty affable, and since you're sulky, why--(_Going up to
lay-figure_) Mr. Rembrandt Tempenny, I've a warrant for your arrest.
(_He slaps the lay-figure on the shoulder, it collapses with a crash_).
GROGGINS (_falling back in terror_).
Got 'em again, as I'm a sinner!
(MRS. TEMPENNY _runs to_ D.F. _as if to go_. ROSALINE _half opens_ R.D.
_and pops her head out with an ejaculation_.)
_Act drop, quick_.
ACT II.
SCENE:--SYLVESTER'S _Studio_. (_The next day_.) _Doors R. and L. At
back cupboard_. TEMPENNY _discovered painting_, ROSALINE _posed_.
ROSALINE.
I'm getting tired.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Sh! (_goes on working frenziedly_).
ROSALINE.
I say I'm getting tired.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Wait a minute, and you shall rest. There! now you can move if you like.
ROSALINE (_stretching herself_).
Thank goodness. Let us look! (_Looks at canvas_.) Oh!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
What do you think of it?
ROSALINE.
Not much.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Ah, that shows your profound ignorance of the School. It promises to be
a superb example. (_Contemplates it sideways_.) Exquisite!
ROSALINE.
I say, where is your friend?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Who?
ROSALINE.
Didn't you say this studio belonged to a friend of yours?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Oh yes; he hasn't come yet. I expect he will be here this afternoon.
ROSALINE.
What's this? (_picking up Mandarin's Wig_.) One of his props?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
That? That is a Mandarin's wig. Yes, of course it is one of his props.
He has just been engaged on a great work: "The Decapitation of a
Mandarin after a Chinese Reverse." The gentleman who sat for the
Mandarin wore that wig.
ROSALINE.
What a funny subject to choose.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Rather playful, isn't it? He likes 'em like that. That's his forte.
ROSALINE.
What is his name--do I know him?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Charlie Sylvester; and a rattling good chap he is, let me tell you.
ROSALINE (_with a shriek_).
Oh, my heart! This is fate!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (_alarmed_.)
I beg your pardon? Don't go off like that. What's the matter?
ROSALINE.
It is _He_--_He_ who--! Oh, I am going to faint.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
No,--no, for goodness' sake, don't do that. What do you mean by "he?"
Here, I say, compose yourself.
ROSALINE.
It is the man I love. The finger of Fate is in it. Where is he? Bring
him to me! Charlie, my own!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (_very flustered_).
Oh I say--look here, you know--? (_Aside_.) This is the devil and
all--Charlie will never forgive me! (_Aloud_.) My dear good girl, he
_isn't_ your "own," I assure you he isn't. There is a Mrs. Sylvester,
as you know very well. (_Aside_.) If he comes in and finds her here,
there's an end of all my sittings. What a piece of infernal luck to be
sure!
ROSALINE _(resolutely)._
Where is he?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (_sullenly_).
I don't know--I suppose he is at home.
ROSALINE.
Fetch him then--let me see his dear face again.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
What???
ROSALINE.
Bring him to me--now, this instant! We have been divided too long
already.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
You have, have you?
ROSALINE.
Far, far too long.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (_aside_).
I must humour her. (_Aloud_.) Well, perhaps you _have_, on second
thoughts. Yes, it is a long time.
ROSALINE.
I have never forgotten him. I have always treasured his memory in my
soul.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (_soothingly_).
That was very nice of you. You are a very nice girl--I saw it at once.
ROSALINE.
_He_ used to say that--he used to call me his "Toppett."
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
His little "Toppett?" It is a pretty name, and I am sure he will be
delighted to find you here, when he comes. It will be a surprise for
him, won't it; quite a surprise! (_Aside_.) A perfect devil of a
surprise!
ROSALINE.
For all he knows I might be dead--dead with the violets blooming over
my tomb.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Yes, yes,--buttercups and daisies. (_Aside_.) I shall get the giddy
push from here when he does come; I see it sticking out a foot.
(_Aloud_.) I say, Poppett--I mean "Rosaline," do you feel equal to
going on with the sitting till he arrives?
ROSALINE (_passively_).
As you please--I must live.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (_aside._)
It is doubtful whether Sylvester will see it in the same light.
(_Aloud_.) Well, then, suppose you take up your position again.
(_He poses her with much difficulty, as each time he places her arms in
the required attitude, she moves to wipe away a tear_).
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
There, now we've got it at last. (_He goes back to the easel, and
commences to work_).
ROSALINE.
(_Bursting into sobs, and collapsing altogether_.) Boo--hoo--hoo!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (_despairingly_).
Oh, great Jupiter! This is too much! Can't you contain your emotion? I
know it is very praiseworthy, but can't you bottle it up? How on earth
am I to paint you while you keep going on like this.
(_The street-door bell rings_).
ROSALINE (_joyously_).
He! (_She clasps her hands and listens_.) My heart tells me so!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (_disagreeably_).
It _ain't_ he--because he never rings. So your heart's told you a lie.
MRS. SYLVESTER (_off_).
Mr. Sylvester--is he in? Not in? What do you mean?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Snakes!--it's his Missus.
ROSALINE (_passionately_).
_Another_ wife?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
No, it is the same one--do you think he is the Grand Mogul?--but she
will be enough for _you_ if she finds you here, and for _me_ too!
ROSALINE.
I do not fear her. I am doing no harm--I am your Model, brought here by
you.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (_in terror_).
Now look here, you know, don't say that; I won't be mixed up in it! I
tell you I'll have nothing to do with the matter! I didn't know who you
were, or I wouldn't have brought you within a hundred miles of the
place. Hark.
MRS. SYLVESTER (_off_).
I will wait in his studio till he comes. He ought to have been here
long ago.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (_in terror_).
_Ought_ he! I won't be seen here--I can't. She is a friend of my
wife's. I won't be found in your company. I'm a moral man, and she
knows you.
ROSALINE (_indignantly_).
What?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Here, hi, I will be a lay-figure. By George, I've got it--I will be the
Mandarin, see!
(_He disguises himself with Rosaline's assistance as a Mandarin, and
sits cross-legged at back, wagging his head_.)
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
How is that?
ROSALINE.
Beautiful. Hush!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Am I sufficiently impregnated with the Chinese sentiment?
ROSALINE.
I don't know what you mean. Sh! Here she is.
(_Enter_ MRS. SYLVESTER _L_.)
MRS. SYLVESTER (_aside_).
A young woman--who is this?
ROSALINE.
Good morning, madam. Who do you wish to see?
MRS. SYLVESTER (_with a start_).
Can I be deceived? Is it possible you are the--ahem--the person I take
you for?
ROSALINE.
I really don't know who you take me for. My name is Rosaline, and I'm a
model.
MRS. SYLVESTER.
I knew it! How dare you come here--how dare you? Two years ago I
forbade you ever to enter my husband's studio again.
ROSALINE.
I did not know it was your husband's studio when I came. I am here to
sit to a friend of his.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
I'm the friend.
MRS. SYLVESTER (_to_ ROSALINE).
What did you say?
ROSALINE.
I did not speak.
MRS. SYLVESTER.
Now let me quite understand you. Do you mean to say that it was not Mr.
Sylvester who brought you here?
ROSALINE.
Certainly I do. I came to Mr.--
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (_in terror aside to_ ROSALINE).
Mr. Brown.
MRS. SYLVESTER.
Who did you say? Who is Mr. Brown?
ROSALINE.
I did not say "Mr. Brown." A gentleman engaged me to sit to him, and
told me to come here this morning at ten o'clock. He said he was a
friend of Mr. Sylvester's.
MRS. SYLVESTER.
Then you did know that this was Mr. Sylvester's studio!
ROSALINE.
I did not. He said it belonged to a friend of his, but did not mention
his name.
MRS. SYLVESTER (_impatiently_).
Whose name?
ROSALINE.
His friend's name.
MRS. SYLVESTER (_passionately_).
Who was this friend, girl? Who told you to come? Answer me.
ROSALINE.
Oh, that is very easy. I was engaged by Mr.--
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (_aside to_ ROSALINE).
Mr. Smith.
MRS. SYLVESTER.
I do not know any Mr. Smith. Where has he gone?
ROSALINE.
I never said "Mr. Smith."
MRS. SYLVESTER.
What?
ROSALINE.
Certainly not. I have no reason to mind telling the truth. I am
naturally a truthful girl. His name was--
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (_aside to_ ROSALINE).
Robinson.
MRS. SYLVESTER.
Once and for all--will you tell me the man's name?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (_aside to_ ROSALINE).
No, never!
MRS. SYLVESTER.
You refuse?
ROSALINE.
No.
MRS. SYLYESTER.
Then why did you say "never?"
ROSALINE.
I never said "Never."
MRS. SYLVESTER.
I warn you, girl, my patience is nearly exhausted.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (_aside_).
So am I. My legs ache at the joints.
MRS. SYLVESTER.
You will either make a clean breast of it, or I shall take steps--
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (_aside to_ ROSALINE).
Let her take steps--that's what I want her to do.
MRS. SYLVESTER.
Ah, wait--doubtless my husband is in hiding. I will see.
(_She opens_ R.D. _and exit_.)
ROSALINE (_going up to_ REMBRANDT TEMPENNY _angrily_).
What do you mean by getting me into all this trouble? What do you mean
by it?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Oh, you be hanged--you're a perfect nuisance.
ROSALINE.
What!
(_She slaps his face_. MRS. SYLVESTER _re-enters_.)
MRS. SYLVESTER.
I heard a noise.
ROSALINE.
I was playing with the idol, that is all.
(REMBRANDT TEMPENNY _wags his head mechanically_.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (_aside_).
This is a dignified position for a husband and a ratepayer!--the butt
of a bad girl!
MRS. SYLVESTER.
Your frivolity will avail you nothing. If you were indeed brought here
by a friend of Mr. Sylvester's, I can guess who he is. His name is
Tempenny, and I shall enquire into the matter at once. (_Going_.)
ROSALINE.
Of course his name is Tempenny--I never denied it.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY and MRS. SYLVESTER (_aside_).
What?
ROSALINE.
I am nobody's accomplice--I am an honest woman earning a living. I will
tell lies for no one.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (_aside_).
The cat!
MRS. SYLVESTER.
Oh, this is infamous! So Mr. Tempenny assists my husband to deceive me,
does he? We will see what his wife has to say to it. Birds of a
feather--as I always thought. Abandoned wretches both!
(_Exit L_.)
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (_springing up_).
You mischief-making little beast--what have you done?
ROSALINE.
Don't you talk to me like that--I won't have it!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (_furiously_).
You won't have it!
ROSALINE.
No, I won't.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
You--you--! You smacked my face!
ROSALINE.
And I'll smack it again if you aggravate me. If it weren't that _he_
will be here later on, I'd walk straight out of the studio, and never
come into it again.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
I've a good mind to bundle you out neck and crop, I can tell you. That
woman has gone off to complain to my wife. Here, get me out of these
things. (_He divests himself of the Chinese wig and costume_.) I think
I had better go. I don't know how I'll do the picture--I'll _never_ do
the picture. I think _you_ had better go--if Charlie Sylvester finds
you here after this, he will murder you.
CHARLES SYLVESTER (_off_).
Tempenny!--Tempenny--are you upstairs?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (_agitated_).
He! Oh, I say, you know--don't yer know--this is awful!
ROSALINE (_rapturously_).
I know his voice.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (_dancing with terror_).
Yes, so do I! He'll kill you--I warn you he will make a corse of
you--or _me_. I won't meet him. I can't. Get rid of him for the Lord's
sake--I'll hide in there till he has gone.
(_Exit R_.)
ROSALINE (_taking out powder puff_).
After years we meet again!
(_Enter_ SYLVESTER _L_.)
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
Why the devil couldn't you answer, Tempenny, I say--
ROSALINE (_turning_).
Charles! Ah! once more!
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
Great Scott! My dear girl, what on earth are you here for?
ROSALINE.
It is like that you greet me?
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
"Greet" you? Well, upon my word I don't quite know what you expect. I
thought it was understood between us last time we met that--that--we
weren't to meet? You see I've got a wife, and--
ROSALINE.
I know. I have just seen her.
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
What's that you say? You have just seen my wife?
ROSALINE (_nodding_).
She has been here. She has only just gone.
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
The devil! What did she say to you--what did she think?
ROSALINE.
She thought you knew about it--she was angry!
CHARLES SYLVESTER (_furiously_).
And very rightly too. You have no business here--why did you come?
ROSALINE.
Mr. Tempenny brought me.
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
What? Are _you_ his model? This is really too bad. Where is he?
ROSALINE (_pointing R_.).
He has gone in there.
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
What for? (_Calling_.) Tempenny! I say, Tempenny, I want you!
(_Enter_ REMBRANDT TEMPENNY _very nervously_.)
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Ah--er--good morning, dear boy. What weather, eh? What weather we're
having to be sure. (_Aside to_ ROSALINE.) You malicious,
base-hearted--(_Shakes his fist at her_.) Oh!
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
Look here, you know, Tempenny, this won't do. You have no right to
bring the girl here. I don't think it was at all friendly of you. I--I
consider it a damned liberty of you in fact.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (_shrinking_).
I was afraid you would be vexed, but don't be cross, dear old man;
don't be "put out" about it. (_Trying to laugh_.) There are worse
troubles at sea, as they say--worse troubles at sea!
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
(_With rising indignation_.) But I _am_ put out. Damn the sea--what's
that got to do with it. Mrs. Sylvester has been in and seen her, I
understand? You have served me a very shabby trick, Tempenny--I am very
sorry about it!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
(_Still trying to laugh it off_.) All comes out in the wash, old
chap--all comes out in the wash, I assure you! (_Slaps him on the
shoulder_.)
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
Don't do that--I don't like it!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (_nervously_).
Ha, ha, ha! (_Does it again_.)
CHARLES SYLVESTER (_shouting_).
Don't!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (_collapsing_).
All right, I won't.
ROSALINE (_advancing_).
Charlie!
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
Don't call me "Charlie"--I don't like it.
ROSALINE.
Once--
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
Well, then, I don't like it twice--do you hear! This is all your fault,
Tempenny. You have got me into a pretty mess upon my word. My wife
won't believe me, and I shall never hear the end of it.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
And what about mine?
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
Yours?
ROSALINE.
Yes, she has gone to tell her.
CHARLES SYLVESTER (_roaring with laughter_).
Ha, ha, ha!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (_miserably_).
Remarkably funny, isn't it?
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
Ha, ha, ha!
ROSALINE.
Ha, ha, ha!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
(_To_ CHARLES SYLVESTER; _pointing to_ ROSALINE.) That girl is a
perfect devil. She smacked my face just now when I was posing as a
mandarin.
CHARLES SYLVESTER (_staring_).
As a what!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
I was a mandarin when your wife came in--I thought it best--and this
ex-mash of yours took advantage of me, and smacked my face.
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
(_To_ ROSALINE.) I tell you what it is,--I think you had better go. You
had better be off--I can't have you here.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
I quite agree. _I_ don't want her--she is more trouble than she is
worth.
ROSALINE.
You are very rude to me, both of you. (_To_ CHARLES SYLVESTER.) Your
manners have not improved with matrimony, my friend.
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
I am not going to discuss my manners--
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
No, he is not going to discuss his manners.
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
The point is--
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
The point is--git!
ROSALINE.
The point is that if you don't ask me properly, I shall do nothing of
the kind. Now you've got it.
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
(_To_ REMBRANDT TEMPENNY _angrily_.) What the devil do you mean by
bringing such a firebrand here?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Now don't lose your temper again. (_To_ ROSALINE.) Will you go?
ROSALINE.
No, I won't.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
That settles it. (_The two men look at each other helplessly_.)
(_Enter_ SARAH ANN.)
SARAH ANN.
If you please, sir, there is a gentleman downstairs who wants to see
Mr. Tempenny.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Me? What's his name? What does he want?
SARAH ANN.
He says his name is Mr. Schercl.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
I'm out. Go and tell him so. It only wanted this to complete my
happiness. I won't see him, do you hear?
SARAH ANN.
If you please the gentleman said he must see you, but if you was
engaged, he'd wait.
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
You won't get rid of old Schercl in a hurry, if he has advanced you any
of the "ready."
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Tell him I'm out. Then let him come up if he likes.
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
What are you going to do?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
I am going to dissemble. I am going to be an Eastern potentate, and I
am going to spoof the old boy. (_To_ SARAH ANN.) Menial, slope! (_To_
CHARLES SYLVESTER.) Help me.
ROSALINE.
This is the rummiest studio that ever I was in!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Yes, originality is what we pride ourselves on. (_He disguises himself
as the Maharajah of Slamthedoor_.)
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
And what am _I_ to do?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
You must be very deferential. I think you had better salaam when you
speak to me. Try it.
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
Like this? (_Salaams_.)
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
That's it, only more so. And mind, if he wants to see Susannah, you
don't let him look at it. It's only just begun. How do I look?
ROSALINE.
You look like a Guy Fawkes.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Dear child! how pretty she talks! Where did you originally find such a
treasure?
(_Enter_ HENRICH SCHERCL _L_.)
HENRICH SCHERCL.
Ah, Mr. Sylvester, how do you do? Where is Mr. Tempenny? I hoped to see
him.
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
He has been compelled to go out on most important business.
HENRICH SCHERCL.
The business of you gentlemen is always "most important" excepting when
it concerns them that find you the wherewithal. (_Aside_.) What a nice
girl!
(ROSALINE _smiles at him_.)
CHARLES SILVESTER.
I don't think, my dear Schercl, that you have much cause to complain.
You don't lose by us; now confess!
HENRICH SCHERCL.
My dear sir, if I lost by you how do you think I should garry on my
business? One must live. But you artists don't give us much chance. You
are always bleeding us for what you call "a bit on aggount."
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY (_coming down_).
Your conversation is very interesting, but I wish to see Mr. Tempenny.
He is not here, and if he is not coming I shall go. Allah Bismillah
Remdazzlegefoo!
HENRICH SCHERCL.
(_Aside to_ CHARLES SYLVESTER.) What does he say?
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
(_Aside to_ HENRICH SCHERCL.) He's swearing because Tempenny is out.
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
I wanted to buy some of his great works. The Maharajah of Battledore
told me that he was one of your most favourite painters.
ROSALINE (_aside_).
Good old Rembrandt Tempenny. What larks!
HENRICH SCHERCL.
(_Aside to_ CHARLES SYLVESTER.) Let _me_ deal with this sportsman.
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
(_Aside to_ HENRICH SCHERCL.) Bosh, why should you?
HENRICH SCHERCL.
Do you want to sell your "Battle of Agincourt?"
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
Of course I do.
HENRICH SCHERCL.
How much?
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
Two hundred--you know that!
HENRICH SCHERCL.
A hundred ready?
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
Yes.
HENRICH SCHERCL.
You will have a jeque to-night.
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
On your word?
HENRICH SCHERCL.
On my word.
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
An open one?
HENRICH SCHERCL.
Yes, my dear young friend. Now oblige me by skipping.
CHARLES SYLVESTER.
Right you are. Allow me to introduce to your Highness, Mr. Schercl--Mr.
Schercl, the Maharajah of Slamthedoor.
(_Exit R_.)
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Allah Bismillah Pottamarmala Goo!
HENRICH SCHERCL (_aside_).
He's swearing again. (_Aloud_.) I am sorry your Royal Highness has been
kept waiting. These artists are such gurious people. Your Highness
broboses to buy bictures, yes?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
I have built a new palace at Slamthedoor, and I must have, of course,
some pictures for my galleries.
ROSALINE.
Does your Highness want any slaves too?
HENRICH SCHERCL.
(_Aside to_ ROSALINE.) Go away, girl--go away! One deal at a time!
(_Aloud_) May I make so bold as to enquire the size of the new palace,
Oh glorious One? (_Salaams_.) (_Aside_.) I think that is right!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
The size? It is no bigger than my other one--it is about four times as
large as your Buckingham Palace.
HENRICH SCHERCL.
Great heavens! And you will have a vast picture gallery, Oh Light of my
Eyes!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Five--five picture galleries, and I desire to fill them. That is why I
am looking up these artists. My cousin the Maharajah of Battledore has
given me several introductions.
ROSALINE.
_Doesn't_ your Royal Highness want any slaves? Ye before whose radiance
the sun pales and the stars grow dim--no slaves?
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Can you dance, damsel, as I would see you?
HENRICH SCHERCL.
(_Aside to_ ROSALINE.) Go away--go away--go away. Oh, demmit, will you
go away! (_Salaaming_.) Most Serene One--
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
Proceed. But be quick--I am impatient to be gone. Allah Bismillah, be
quick!
HENRICH SCHERCL (_aside_).
What a temper he's got! (_Aloud_.) Be guided by your servant. I have
your Royal Highness's interest at heart. (_Aside_.) Also my own.
(_Aloud_.) These bainters are so queer--they do not understand business
at all, at all. Nach, they know nothing about it--at least very few of
them. The less you have to do with them directly the better for your
Royal Highness. If your Royal Highness wishes to fill the picture
galleries of your new palace I'll take on the job at contract. I'll
save you sixty per cent, s'welp me!
REMBRANDT TEMPENNY.
That is very kind of you. Why should you do it?
HENRICH SCHERCL.
Well, your Royal Highness, I was struck by your demeanour and to tell
your Royal Highness the truth, except with the Brince of Westphalia I
have never done any business with royal families before.
ROSALINE (_aside_.)
Modest violet! There's nothing like being frank!
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