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The Ceremonies of the Holy Week at Rome by Charles Michael Baggs

C >> Charles Michael Baggs >> The Ceremonies of the Holy Week at Rome

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The Governor, the Prince assistant, the _Uditore della Camera_,
the Treasurer, the _Maggiordomo_, the Apostolic protonotaries; the
Generals of Religious Orders, the _Conservatori_ and Prior of the
_Caporioni_, the _Maestro del S. Ospizio_, the _Uditori di Rota_,
the _Maestro del S. Palazzo_, the _Votanti di Segnatura_, the
_Abbreviatori del Parco maggiore_, the priest, deacon, and subdeacon
who assist the cardinal who is to celebrate mass, the Masters of
ceremonies, the _Camerieri segreti_ and _d'onore_, the Consistorial
advocates, the _Cappellani segreti_, _d'onore_ and _comuni_, the
_Ajutanti di camera_, the _bussolanti_, the _Procuratori generali_
of religious orders, the _Procuratori di Collegio_, the singers,
the clerks of the papal chapel, the cardinal's _caudatarii_, the
_ostiarii_, the mace-bearers, some students of the German college, and
in fine such noblemen and gentlemen as are admitted on this occasion
to receive a palm from His Holiness, who is assisted as usual by two
Card. deacons.

During the distribution of the palms, the anthems _Pueri Hebraeorum_
etc. are sung by the choir; and when it is finished, the Pope washes
His hands, and says the usual concluding prayer: the prince stationed
at the throne brings the water, and the Cardinal Dean presents the
towel to His Holiness.

[Sidenote: _Solemn procession._]

The Pope then puts incense into the thurible for the procession, and
the first Card. Deacon turning towards the people says according to
the old formula Let us proceed in peace: the choir answers, in the
name of Christ. Amen'. The procession, in which the blessed palms
are carried, moves round S. Peter's, in the following order, which
is observed also for the most part on holy thursday and good friday.
The _Procuratori di Collegio_,[35] _Procuratori generali_, the
_Bussolanti_, the _Ajutanti di Camera_, _Cappellani comuni_ and
_segreti_, the Consistorial advocates, the _Camerieri d' onore_,
and _segreti_, the singers, the _Abbreviatori, Votanti di Segnatura,
Cherici di Camera, Uditori di Rota_, the Thurifer, (_Votante di
Segnatura_), the Subdeacon (_Uditore di Rota_) who carries the cross
ornamented with a small palm, between two acolythes (_Votanti di
Segnatura_) carrying candles, the _Penitenzieri_, the mitred abbots,
bishops and the Cardinal deacons, priests and bishops all wearing
their mitres.[36] The Pope is preceded by many officers of his guards
(who go to the throne towards the end of the distribution of palms),
the _Maestro del S. Ospizio_, the _Conservatori_, Senator and Governor
of Rome. His Holiness is carried on his _Sedia gestatoria_[37] under
a canopy supported by 8 _Referendarii_ (prelates of the tribunal of
_Segnatura_) between the _flabelli_ carried by two of His _Camerieri_.
He is followed by the dean of the Rota (whose duty it is to bear His
mitre) between two _camerieri segreti_ (who as well as two Auditors of
the Rota bear His train when occasion requires), by the _Uditore della
Camera_, the Treasurer, _Maggiordomo_, Protonotaries and Generals of
religious orders.

During the procession the choir sings the anthem, _Cum appropinquaret
etc._ When the procession is in the portico, two soprano singers
reenter the basilica, and shut the door: then turning towards
the door, they sing the first verse of the hymn _Gloria, laus et
honor_[38] and the other verses alternately with the choir, which
remains without. The subdeacon knocks at the gate with the cross, and
it is immediately opened; the procession returns into the church, and
the choir sings the concluding anthems.

[Sidenote: _its antiquity._]

The solemn commemoration, which we have described, of Christ's
triumphant entry into Jerusalem, could never have taken place
during times of persecution: nor did it originate immediately after
Constantine had ensured peace to the church. Martene (De ant. Eccl.
Rit. lib. IV, c. 20) could find no mention of it before the 8th or 9th
century, when Amalarius says "In memory of this we are accustomed to
carry palm-branches, and cry Hosanna". Merati however, in his notes to
Gavant, considers that he has found traces of it in the Gregorian and
Gelasian sacramentaries, and in a Roman calendar of the beginning of
the fifth century[39] and his opinion is adopted by Benedict XIV. The
ceremonies of the church of Jerusalem on this day were a still closer
imitation of the entry of Christ into that city.

When the procession is ended, the cardinals, bishops, and mitred
abbots take off their sacred vestments and the prelates their
surplices, and they all resume their respective _cappe_; the
_Penitenzieri_ retire, and mass is celebrated by a cardinal of the
order of priests. Having already given an account not only of
low mass, but also of the additional ceremonies of high mass, as
celebrated in the papal chapel, we shall here mention those only which
are peculiar to palm-sunday.

At those words of the epistle (which is sung as usual by the
subdeacon), "in the name of Jesus let every knee bow", the whole
assembly kneels to adore their divine Redeemer, who became obedient
unto death for our salvation. The affecting account of His sufferings
and death is then sung by three priests[40] belonging to the
pontifical choir, and habited as deacons in alb and stole. The history
itself is sung by a tenor voice, the words, of our Saviour by a bass,
and those of any other single voice by a _contralto_, called the
_ancilla_, as he sings the words of the _maid_ to S. Peter: the choir
sings the words of the multitude[41]. The church, mourning over the
sufferings of her divine Spouse, does not allow the incense, lights,
or the benediction and salutation usual before the gospel; but the
palms are borne to signify the triumphs consequent on His death as
they are also from the elevation till after the communion. All stand
up as usual from respect to the holy gospel ("as servants before their
Lord" Amalarius) but kneel for a short time at the words "Jesus crying
with a loud voice yielded up the ghost", to adore that God of love who
died for mankind. The latter part of the gospel is sung in the usual
chant by the deacon, but without the customary lights[42]. At the
offertory is sung the first part of the beautiful hymn _Stabat Mater_:
the music is Palestrina's, and is justly and highly panegyrised by
Baini; it has been published by Dr. Burney. Both the _introit_ and
communion are sung without, and the offertory with, counterpoint: the
_Kyrie eleison_, Gradual and tract, in plain chant. The Benedictus
qui venit is usually very beautiful. At the end of the mass, as there
has been no sermon, the Card. celebrant announces from the altar the
Pope's usual grant to all present of an indulgence[43] or remission
of the _temporal_ punishment due for past sins, whose guilt has been
already remitted.

[Sidenote: indulgences]

When the mass is ended, the palms are carried home by those who have
received them, and are preserved with respect. Two larger than the
rest are kept until the ascension, in the sacristy called the _Letto
dei Paramenti_ because anciently the aged Pontiffs after their
fatiguing walk to the stational churches used to repose on a _letto_
or bed prepared for them in the sacristy, where they afterwards put
on the _paramenti_ or vestments. The paschal candle also, an emblem
of Christ the true light, as we shall afterwards see is removed on
the day of the ascension: this circumstance may explain the
above-mentioned custom.

[Sidenote: Cardinal penitentiary at S. John Lateran's.]

In the afternoon of palm-sunday, the Cardinal great Penitentiary
goes in state to S. John Lateran's. He is met, before he enters
their college, by the minor penitentiaries, who at this basilic are
Franciscans, _minori osservanti_. Having sprinkled those present with
holy water, he goes up to their private oratory[44] in the Lateran
palace, whither he is escorted by the prelates and other ministers of
the apostolic _Penitenzieria_. After a short prayer, he proceeds to
the library, where he holds the _Segnatura_ or tribunal for signing
documents relating to his office, and afterwards enters the basilic of
St. John Lateran's, where he is received by four canons. Here seated
at his tribunal of penance, he touches with his rod the heads of the
prelates, ministers and others who approach to him; and for this
act of humiliation they receive an indulgence, or remission of the
canonical penance, of 100 days. He also hears the confessions of
any persons who may choose to present themselves: but the solution
of difficult cases and absolution from crimes reserved to his
jurisdiction may be obtained without confessing to his Eminence on
so public an occasion[45].

The ceremonies, which we have described, are designed to honour
our divine Redeemer, whose actions and sufferings are thereby
commemorated, and at the same time to excite sentiments of devotion
in the hearts of His servants. Here ought the catholic to exercise
faith, hope, love, and contrition for his sins: and _all_, of whatever
country or creed they may be, who are admitted with hospitality and
liberality to witness the solemn and imposing service, if they do not
feel such noble sentiments, ought at least to observe that external
decorum, which the season, the place, the hierarchy, and above all the
commemoration of the sufferings of the God of charity will dictate to
every well-educated and well-principled mind. It is to be lamented,
that not only the devotion of Catholics is disturbed, but their
feelings also are occasionally insulted in their own house of worship
by the unbecoming remarks of individuals--but enough: "you have not
so learned Christ: if yet you have heard him, and have been taught in
him, as the truth is in Jesus". Ephes. IV, 20, 21. If on this day even
the inhabitants of Jerusalem received Him with triumph and jubilee,
let us His disciples and children offer to Him the best tribute in our
power of love praise and adoration.

[Footnote 26: See Cancellieri, _Solenni possessi de'Papi, p_. 539.]

[Footnote 27: According to Champollion, it was originally erected in
Heliopolis by Ramesses 7th son of the great Ramesses or Sesostris;
Pliny says by Nuncoreus son of Sesostris. Caligula transported it to
Rome, and placed it in the circus afterwards called Nero's, where it
remained standing till the time of Sixtus V.]

[Footnote 28: It was customary in Lent, says St. Audoenus, to cover
with a linen veil the tomb of Eligius to conceal the brightness of the
gold and the splendour of the gems". Vita S. Eligii l. 2. c. 40. Thus
does the church at this season put off her costly nuptial robes, and
vest herself in weeds of deepest mourning. The time for veiling the
crucifix and images has varied at different periods. The Saturday
before passion-sunday is now the first, and holy Saturday the last
day, of this observance.]

[Footnote 29: S. Isidore (A.D. 600.) observes, that acolythes are
called in Latin _Ceroferarii_ "from their carrying wax tapers when the
gospel is to be read or sacrifice is to be offered". In the eleventh
century Micrologus testifies "that Mass, according to the _Ordo
Romanus_, was never celebrated without lights, even in the day time,
as a type of the light of Christ". To this custom we shall recur in
the following chapter.]

[Footnote 30: Pietro de Marca maintains, that the crucifix borne
before the Pope was substituted in place of the _labarum_ or standard
carried before the emperors. That of Constantine had the form of a
cross, and was surmounted with XP the first letters of Christ's name,
Eus. In Vita Const. l. 4.]

[Footnote 31: I shall not speak of some ancient ceremonies of holy
week which have fallen into disuse, such as the custom of carrying the
gospel or the B. Sacrament in triumphant procession on Palm-Sunday,
and others alluded to by Cancellieri and described by Martene, De
Antiq. Eccl. Rit.]

[Footnote 32: In times of schism caused by antipopes it was a practice
of the utmost importance. Thus we read in Baronius' Annals A.D. 1160,
that when the antipope Cardinal Octavianus, who assumed the name of
Victor, had been illegitimately elected, the chapter of St. Peter's
came immediately to the feet of the said Pope Victor, and _obeyed_
"obedivit" and the clergy and people paid due reverence to him, and a
great multitude in like manner _obeyed_: "the rectors also came to his
feet, and paid _obedience_ and reverence". Then follows a long list of
the clergy of various Roman churches, all of whom it is said that they
_obeyed_. Thus,

"The Lateran prior and his canons _obeyed_. The clergy of the
patriarchal church of S. Mary Major's _obeyed_ etc."

This _obedience_ was evidently an external sign of their acknowledging
Victor as Pope in place of Alexander, the legitimate pontiff.
Anciently the Pope received the homage of the deacons in the sacristy;
they afterwards went out of the sacristy to put on their dalmatics.
Cancellieri de Secretariis T.I. In the sacristy the Pope gave the
_peace_ to the Bishops, Cardinals, Prefect, Senator, and other lay
princes according to the canon Benedict, Cencius Camerarius and
Cajetan. The ordines Romani mention the bowing of the Subdeacon at the
knees of the Pontiff, and the kissing of his hand by the priests, the
archdeacon and secundarius De secretariis T. I, p. 409.]

[Footnote 33: Many forms of benediction of persons and things taken
from ancient Pontificals and manuscript rituals may be seen in
Martene, De antiquis Ecclesiae Ritibus. The church generally uses
holy-water and incense when blessing God's creatures, which are
"sanctified by the word of God and prayer" 1 Tom. IV, 5. God had
appointed water of expiation to be used by the Jews, Numbers XIX.
Lustral water used to be sprinkled also by the Pagans; Terque senem
flamma, ter aqua, ter sulphure purget. Ov. Met. l. 7. Anastasius
says that Alexander I, who was Pope in 108 "appointed that water
for sprinkling should be blessed with salt in private houses." It
is mentioned also in the apostolic constitutions. Boldetti in his
_Cemeterii de' martiri_ notices the short columns supporting small
vases, in corners of the chapels in the catacombs; and Bottari has
published and illustrated in his _Roma sotterranea_ an interesting
fresco discovered in the catacombs of S. Agnese, and representing five
figures carrying vessels closely resembling those still used for holy
water; four of those figures carry branches supposed to be of the
palm-tree: the fifth holds an aspergillum with which holy water is
still sprinkled. A copy of this fresco may be seen also in Rock's
Hierurgia, p. 668. Incense is a symbol of prayers. "Let my prayer, O
Lord" we say with the Psalmist "be directed as incense in thy sight".
God had appointed it to be used in the Jewish worship, and St. John
says, that an "angel came and stood before the altar, having a golden
censer, and there was given to him much incense, that he should offer
of the prayers of all the saints upon the golden altar, which is
before the throne of God: and the smoke of the incense of the prayers
of the saints ascended up before God, from the hand of the angel".
Apoc. VIII, 3, 5. Of the apostolic antiquity of its use the Protestant
bishop Beveridge adduces proofs in his Vindication of the apostolical
canons. The ancient liturgies of the east and west agree in
prescribing the use of incense, and in particular at the beginning
of mass, at the offertory etc. See Renaudot, Assemani, Le Brun etc.
Constantine, according to Anastasius in his life of S. Silvester, gave
two golden thuribles to the Lateran basilis, and a third adorned with
jewels to the Baptistery. See Card. Bona, Rerum Liturgicarum lib. I,
c. XXV, Sec. 9.]

[Footnote 34: Of the antiquity of the custom of kissing the Pope's
foot we have proofs in Anastasius the librarian in the lives of Popes
Constantine and Leo IV. When Valentine was elected Pope in 827, his
feet were kissed by the Roman senate and people at S. John Lateran's.
Numerous instances also are on record of sovereigns who have kissed
the feet of the Popes, and Pouyard has written a dissertation to shew,
that this custom was anterior to that of marking the papal shoes or
sandals with a cross. This token of profound respect was given also to
the emperors of the east at Byzantium.]

[Footnote 35: These are distinguished lawyers habited in black
_cappe_. For an account of the various offices above-mentioned and of
their origin see The Papal Chapel, Described etc. by C.M. Baggs. Rome.
1839.]

[Footnote 36: That crosses, candles and incense were anciently used in
processions appears from S. Gregory of Tours, de Vit. Patrum, c. 13.]

[Footnote 37: The kings and chief magistrates of ancient Rome were
entitled to a _sella curulis_, or chair of state, which used to be
placed in their chariots. Gell. III; 18. They were seated on it also
at their tribunal on solemn occasions. Virgil makes old king Latinus
say:

Et _sellam regni_ trabeamque _insignia nostri_. AEn. XI. 334. The
Romans had borrowed it from the Etruscans according to Dionysius of
Halicarnassus. (Clement of Alexandria observes, That many of the rites
of Etruria were imported from Asia; and Diodorus (lib. 5.) represents
these insignia as derived from Lydia. See Phoebens. De Identitate
Cathedrae S. Petri p. XX. seq.) It was richly adorned, _conspicuum
signis_, according to Ovid, Pont. IV. 5, 18. In the Pope's carriage
even now there is a chair of state, and to Him alone is reserved the
honour of a _sedia gestatoria_. Pope Stephen II in 751 was carried to
the basilica of Constantine on the shoulders of the Romans exulting
at his election: and from this fact some derive the custom of carrying
the Pope in His chair on solemn occasions.]

[Footnote 38: This hymn is attributed to the abbot Theodulph
afterwards bishop of Orleans, who lived in the 9th century. If it
were true, that he sang it as the emperor Louis le debonnaire was
passing by the prison, in which he was confined, and that he was in
consequence liberated, we should have a historical reason for the
shutting and opening of the door, and for the hymn's being sung partly
inside the church. This account has however been called in question
by Menard, Macri, Martene and others; and hence Pouget, and after him
Benedict XIV and others are contented with a mystic reason for such
ceremonies, viz, that heaven was closed to man in consequence of sin,
and was opened to him by the cross of Christ.]

[Footnote 39: In these it is called Dominica ad Palmas, Dominica
in Palmis, and in the Gregorian Sacramentary mention is made, in
the prayer which precedes communion, of the faithful carrying
palm-branches.]

[Footnote 40: Anciently a cardinal deacon used to read it, and to sing
only the words "Eli, Eli, lamma sabachthani".]

[Footnote 41: The author of this exquisite chant is unknown: Baini
supposes that he was a member of the pontifical choir: it has been
sung in the papal chapel since the middle of the 13th century. In 1585
it, together with the rest of the service of holy week, was published
by Tommaso da Vittoria with the words of the people harmonised for 4
and 5 voices; his method was adopted by the papal choir, which adorns
it with many traditional graces, and in particular gives occasionally,
says Baini, to the words of the multitude "the irresistible force of
a most robust harmony". The abbate Alfieri has published a new edition
of the _Passios_.]

[Footnote 42: In Africa till the time of S. Augustine, the Passion
used to be read in holy week from the gospel of S. Matthew alone; but
by his direction, as he mentions in his 232nd discourse, it was read
every year from all the four evangelists; and this custom is still
observed.]

[Footnote 43: That God, after He has pardoned sin and consequently
remitted its eternal punishment, often, if not generally, demands
temporal satisfaction from the sinner, is evident from many instances
in scripture, such as those of David (2 Sam. XII) of Moses (Deuteron.
XXXII compare Num. XIV) to say nothing of Adam (Gen. III) and all his
posterity, who endure the temporal punishment of original sin, even
when its stain has been washed away by baptism. Now the church by
virtue of the ample authority with which Christ has invested her
(Matt. XVIII, John XX) and in particular her chief pastor (Matt. XVI)
has from the beginning exercised the power of remitting the temporal
punishment of actual sins. Thus S. Paul pardoned the incestuous
Corinthian (2. Cor. II): in times of persecution the bishops at the
request of the martyrs remitted the penance imposed on those who had
fallen into idolatry (Tersul. lib. ad martyres, Euseb. Hist. Eccl.
lib. V, c. 4. S. Cyprian. Epist. XIII etc.), to say nothing of canons
of the 4th century which prescribe that indulgences should be granted
to _fervent_ penitents, of the crusades, and of the indulgences
granted to those who contributed money for the building of S. Peter's,
etc. Indulgences presuppose repentance and confession, and the
performance of those good works which are prescribed as conditions
necessary for their acquisition, as communion, prayers, alms etc.]

[Footnote 44: It was built by Calixtus II, and was for two centuries
and a half the Vestry of the Roman Pontiffs. It was repaired and
consecrated in 1747. See Cancellieri. De Secretariis T. I, p. 342.]

[Footnote 45: In the third century, in the time of Pope Cornelius
there were priests appointed to absolve those who had fallen into
idolatry; and they were called _Presbyteri Paenitentium_. S. Marcellus
also, according to Anastasius, after the persecution raised by
Diocletian, appointed in Rome titular churches, in which penance as
well as baptism were administered by priests, the former sacrament is
conferred by the minor penitentiaries. Pope Simplicius in fine, as
we learn from the same author, destined fixed weeks at S. Peter's,
S. Paul's, and S. Laurence's, to _receive penitents_ and administer
baptism. From the usual custom of Rome in such matters, Zaccaria
argues that during the first five or six centuries, according to the
general custom proved by Thomassin, the great penitentiary was the
_bishop himself of the city_ in which they resided. It is however
certain, that in the 4th century from the numerous priests of
Constantinople one was selected called a penitentiary, who took
cognisance of crimes, to which public penance was annexed by the
canons. At Rome also there was a cardinal penitentiary long before
the fourth council of Lateran, which in 1215 prescribed that bishops
should appoint penitentiaries, for Berthod priest of Constance relates
in his chronicle, that in the year 1084 he was promoted to the dignity
of cardinal-priest and penitentiary of the Roman church.]




CHAP III.

ON THE DIVINE OFFICE, AND THE OFFICE OF TENEBRAE IN PARTICULAR.


_CONTENTS._

PART 1. _Introductory_. Breviary--Divine office, its
origin--performed by the early Christians--ancient and modern
editions of the breviary. PART 2. _Descriptive_. Office of
Tenebrae--Matins and Lauds--extinction of the lights--meaning
of this ceremony--chant, lamentations--conclusions of the
office--_Miserere_, its music--Card. Penitentiary at S. Mary
Major's. _Trinita dei Pellegrini_.

"_I will bless the Lord at all times_: _his praise shall
always be in my mouth_". Ps. XXXIII, 2.

"_He humbled himself, becoming obedient unto death, even the
death of the cross_". Phil. II, 8.

[Sidenote: P. I. Breviary.]

We shall not hesitate to borrow the following account of the church
office contained in the Roman Breviary from a Protestant divine
(Tracts of the Times no. 75). "The word _Breviarum_ first occurs
in the work of an author of the eleventh century (Micrologus) and
it is used to denote a compendium or systematic arrangement of the
devotional offices of the church. Till that time they were contained
in several independent volumes, according to the nature of each. Such,
for instance, were the _Psalteria_, _Homilaria_, _Hymnaria_, and the
like, to be used in the service in due course. But at his memorable
era, and under the auspices of the Pontiff who makes it memorable,
Gregory VII, an Order was drawn up, for the use of the Roman church,
containing in one all these different collections, introducing the
separate members of each in its proper place, and harmonising them
together by the use of rubrics.

[Sidenote: Divine office, its origin.]

"Gregory VII did but restore and harmonise these offices; which seem
to have existed more or less the same in constituent parts, though not
in order and system, from Apostolic times. In their present shape they
are appointed for seven distinct seasons in the twenty four hours,
and consist of prayers, praises and thanksgivings of various forms;
and, as regards both contents and hours, are the continuation of a
system of worship observed by the Apostles and their converts. As to
_contents_, the Breviary service consists of the Psalms; of Hymns
and Canticles; of Lessons and Texts from inspired and Ecclesiastical
authors; of Antiphons, Verses and Responses, and Sentences; and of
Collects. And analogous to this seems to have been the usage of the
Corinthian Christians, whom St. Paul blames for refusing to agree in
some common order of worship, when they came together, _every one
of them_ having a Psalm, or a doctrine, a tongue, a revelation, an
interpretation (1 Cor. XIV, 26). On the other hand, the catholic
_seasons_ of devotion are certainly derived from apostolic usage. The
Jewish observance of the third, sixth and ninth hours for prayer,
was continued by the inspired founders of the Christian church. What
Daniel had practised, even when the decree was signed forbidding it,
"_kneeling on his knees three times a day, and praying and giving
thanks unto his God_", S. Peter and the other Apostles were solicitous
in preserving. It was when "_they were all with one accord in one
place_", at "the _third_ hour of the day", that the Holy Ghost
came down upon them at Pentecost. It was at the _sixth_ hour, that
St. Peter "went up upon the house-top to pray" and saw the vision
revealing to him the admission of the gentiles into church. And it
was at the _ninth_ hour that "Peter and John went up together into the
temple", being "the hour of prayer". But though these were the more
remarkable seasons of devotion, there certainly were others besides
them in the first age of the church. After our Saviour's departure,
the Apostles, we are informed, "all _continued_ with one accord in
prayer and supplication, with the women, and Mary the mother of Jesus,
and with His brethren": and with this accords the repealed exhortation
to pray together without ceasing, which occurs in St. Paul's epistles.
It will be observed that he insists in one passage on prayer to the
abridgment of sleep (Eph. VI, 18); and one recorded passage of his
life exemplifies his precept: "And at midnight Paul and Silas prayed,
and sang praises unto God, and the prisoners heard them".

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Tell us your literary dreams
Articles published by guardian.co.uk Books

John Crace digests A Question of Upbringing by Anthony Powell

My English teacher is wearing a barrister's wig. He turns and points towards me as I sit trembling in the dock. "Members of the jury, I put it to you that this man, Tom Robinson, is innocent," he says, rather lugubriously. I want to protest. I want to shout that no, I am not Tom Robinson, but yes, I am innocent! But the words won't come out.

Then I wake up. It's another literary dream – one that's troubled me ever since I studied Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird for GCSE.

Most of the time I'm disappointed to leave my literary dreams, waking to realise that I'm not really ensconced with with the boozing Welsh pensioners from Kingsley Amis's The Old Devils or haven't really been thrashing Harry Potter's Quidditch team. I remember with fondness a skiing trip with William Shakespeare and the delightful discovery that Don DeLillo was serving drinks behind the bar in my local pub.

It's not all sunshine, though. Tom Wolfe once ruined a trip to New York, shouting at me across Fifth Avenue: "You're not even familiar with my work – get outta town, asshole!" But that's nothing on Howard Jacobson. I spent a summer discovering his novels during my waking hours and bumping into him in my sleep. I'd see him in a local restaurant and tell him how much I was enjoying his novels. "Oh right," he'd snap, "that old chestnut, huh?" When I met him for real last year he was, in fact, charm personified. I didn't tell him about the dreams.

But enough about my subconscious, what about yours? It's Friday: forget about work and tell me all about your literary dreams. Don't hold back – it's not like we'll read anything into it.

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1000 Novels You Must Read

John Crace tangoes briefly through the first part of A Dance to the Music of Time