The Man Of The World (1792) by Charles Macklin

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_Sid_. I believe it, Mrs. Betty--and what did Constantia say to all this?

_Bet_. O!--O! she is sly enough; she looks as if butter would not melt in
her mouth; but all is not gold that glitters; smooth water, you know, sir,
runs deepest:--I am sorry my young master makes such a fool of himself--
but--um!--take my word for it, he is not the man,--for though she looks as
modest as a maid at a christening--[_hesitating._] yet--ah!--when
sweethearts meet--in the dusk of the evening--and stay together a whole
hour--in the dark grove--and embrace--and kiss--and weep at parting,--why
then you know, sir, it is easy to guess all the rest.

_Sid._ Why did Constantia meet any body in this manner?

_Bet._ [_Starting with surprise_.] O! heavens!--I beg, sir, you will not
misapprehend me; for I assure you I do not believe they did any harm--that
is, not in the grove--at least, not when I was there;--and she may be
honestly married for aught I know.--O! lud! sir,--I would not say an ill
thing of Miss Constantia for the world,--for to be sure she is a good
creature:--'tis true, my lady took her in for charity, and indeed has bred
her up to the music and figures;--ay, and reading all the books about
Homer--and Paradise--and Gods and Devils,--and every thing in the world,--
as if she had been a dutchess: but some people are born with luck in their
mouths, and then--as the saying is--you may throw them into the sea--
[_deports herself most affedtedly._] but--if I had had dancing masters--
and music masters--and French Mounseers to teach me--I believe I might
have read the globes, and the maps,--and have danced,--and have been as
clever as other folks.

_Sid._ Ha, ha, ha! no doubt on it, Mrs. Betty;--but you mentioned
something of a dark walk,--kissing,--a sweetheart and Constantia.

_Bet._ [_Starts into a cautious hypocrisy_.] O! lud! sir--I don't know any
thing of the matter: she may be very honest for aught I know: I only say,
that they did meet in the dark walk,--and all the servants observe that
Miss Constantia wears her stays very loose--looks very pale--is sick in a
morning, and after dinner: and, as sure as my name is Betty Hint,
something has happened that I won't name,--but--nine months hence--a
certain person in this family may ask me to stand godmother, for I think I
know what's what, when I see it as well as another.

_Sid_. No doubt you do, Mrs. Betty.

_Bet_. [_Cries, turns up her eyes, and acts a most friendly hypocrisy_.] I
do, indeed, sir. I am very sorry for Miss Constantia. I never thought she
would have taken such courses--for in truth I love her as if she was my
own sister; and though all the servants say that she is breeding--yet, for
my part, I don't believe it; but--one must speak according to one's
conscience, you know, sir.

_Sid_. O! I see you do.

_Bet_. [_Going and returning_.] I do indeed, sir: and so your servant,
sir--but--I hope your worship won't mention my name in this business;--or
that you had any _item_ from me.

_Sid_. I shall not, Mrs. Betty.

_Bet_. For, indeed, sir, I am no busybody, nor do I love fending nor
proving; and, I assure you, sir, I hate all tittling and tattling, and
gossiping and backbiting, and taking away a person's good name.

_Sid_. I observe you do, Mrs. Betty.

_Set_. I do indeed, sir. I am the farthest from it in the world.

_Sid_. I dare say you are.

_Bet_. I am indeed, sir, and so your humble servant.

_Sid_. Your servant, Mrs. Betty.

_Bet_. [_Aside, in great exultation_.] So! I see he believes every word I
say,--that's charming. I'll do her business for her I am resolved.
[_Exit._

_Sid_. What can this ridiculous creature mean by her dark walk,--her
private spark, her kissing, and all her slanderous insinuations against
Constantia, whose conduct is as unblamable as innocence itself? I see envy
is as malignant in a paltry waiting wench, as in the vainest or most
ambitious lady of the court.--It is always an infallible mark of the
basest nature; and merit in the lowest, as well as in the highest station,
must feel the shaft of envy's constant agents--falsehood and slander.

_Enter_ SAM.

_Sam_. Sir, Mr. Egerton and Miss Constantia desire to speak with you in
the china room.

_Sid_. Very well, Sam. [_Exit_ Sam.] I will not see them.--What is to be
done? inform his father of his intended marriage,--no--that must not be;--
for the overbearing nature and ambitious policy of Sir Pertinax would
exceed all bounds of moderation; for he is of a sharp, shrewd, unforgiving
nature.--He has banished one son already, only for daring to differ from
his judgment concerning the merits of a Scotch and an English historian.--
But this young man must not marry Constantia.--Would his mother were here!
She, I suppose, knows nothing of his indiscretion:--but she shall, the
moment she comes hither. I know it will offend him; no matter: it is our
duty to offend,--when that offence saves the man we love from a
precipitate action, which the world must condemn, and his own heart,
perhaps, upon reflection, for ever repent: yes,--I must discharge the duty
of my function, and of a friend,--though I am sure to lose the man, whom I
intend to serve. [_Exit._

END OF THE FIRST ACT.

_ACT II. SCENE I_.

_Enter_ CONSTANTIA _and_ EGERTON.

_Con_. Mr. Sidney is not here, sir.

_Eger_. I assure you I left him, and begged he would stay till I returned.

_Con_. His prudence, you see, sir, has made him retire; therefore we had
better defer the subject till he is present; in the mean time, sir, I hope
you will permit me to mention an affair that has greatly alarmed and
perplexed me: I suppose you guess what it is.

_Eger_. I do not, upon my word.

_Con_. That is a little strange.--You know, sir, that you and Mr. Sidney
did me the honour of breakfasting with me this morning in my little study.

_Eger_. We had that happiness, madam.

_Con_. Just after you left me, upon opening my book of accompts, which lay
in the drawer of the reading desk, to my great surprise, I there found
this case of jewels, containing a most elegant pair of ear-rings, a
necklace of great value, and two bank bills in this pocket book, the
mystery of which, sir, I presume you can explain.

_Eger_. I can.

_Con_. They were of your conveying then?

_Eger_. They were, madam.

_Con_. I assure you they startled and alarmed me.

_Eger_. I hope it was a kind alarm;--such as blushing virtue feels, when,
with her hand, she gives her heart and last consent.

_Con_. It was not indeed, sir.

_Eger_. Do not say so, Constantia: come--be kind at once;--my peace and
worldly bliss depend upon this moment.

_Con_. What would you have me do?

_Eger_. What love and virtue dictate.

_Con_. O! sir, experience but too severely proves, that such unequal
matches as ours, never produce aught but contempt and anger in parents,
censure from the world, and a long train of sorrow and repentance in the
wretched parties,--which is but too often entailed upon their hapless
issue.

_Eger_. But that, Constantia, can not be our case: my fortune is
independent and ample,--equal to luxury and splendid folly. I have a right
to choose the partner of my heart,

_Con_. But I have not, sir.--I am a dependant on my lady,--a poor,
forsaken, helpless orphan--your benevolent mother found me--took me to her
bosom--and there supplied my parental loss--with every tender care--
indulgent dalliance, and with all the sweet persuasion that maternal
fondness, religious precept, polished manners, and hourly example could
administer--she fostered me: [_weeps._] and shall I now turn viper,--and
with black ingratitude sting the tender heart that thus hath cherished me?
shall I seduce her house's heir, and kill her peace?--No--though I loved
to the mad extreme of female fondness; though every worldly bliss that
woman's vanity or man's ambition could desire, followed the indulgence of
my love--and all the contempt and misery of this life, the denial of that
indulgence--I would discharge my duty to my benefactress--my earthly
guardian, my more than parent.

_Eger_. My dear Constantia, your prudence, your gratitude, and the cruel
virtue of your self-denial, do but increase my love, my admiration, and my
misery.

_Con_. Sir, I must beg you will give me leave to return these bills and
jewels.

_Eger_. Pray do not mention them:--sure my kindness and esteem may be
indulged so far without suspicion or reproach.--I beg you will accept of
them,--nay--I insist.

_Con_. I have done, sir: my station here is to obey.--I know, sir, they
are gifts of a virtuous mind--and mine shall convert them to the
tenderest, and most grateful use.

_Eger_. Hark! I hear a coach:--it is my father.--Dear girl, retire and
compose yourself.--I will send Sidney and my lady to you, and by their
judgment we will be directed: will that satisfy you?

_Con_. I can have no will but my lady's.--With your leave I will retire; I
would not see her in this confusion.

_Eger_. Dear girl, adieu! and think of love, of happiness, and the man who
never can be blest without you. [_Exit_ Constantia.

_Enter_ SAM.

_Sam_. Sir Pertinax and my lady are come, sir,--and my lady desires to
speak with you in her own room:--oh! here she is, sir. [_Exit._

_Enter Lady_ MACSYCOPHANT.

_Lady Mac_. [_In great confusion and distress._] Dear child, I am glad to
see you: why did you not come to town yesterday to attend the levee? your
father is incensed to the uttermost at your not being there.

_Eger_. [_With great warmth._] Madam, it is with extreme regret I tell
you, that I can no longer be a slave to his temper, his politics, and his
scheme of marrying me to this woman,--therefore you had better consent at
once to my going out of the kingdom, and my taking Constantia with me, for
without her I never can be happy.

_Lady Mac_. As you regard my peace, or your own character, I beg you will
not be guilty of so rash a step.--You promised me you never would marry
her without my consent.--I will open it to your father.--Pray, dear
Charles, be ruled:--let me prevail.

_Sir_ PERTINAX. [_Without, in great anger._]

_Sir Per_. Sir, wull ye do as ye are bid--and haud your gab, you rascal.--
You are so full of gab, you scoundrel.--Take the chesnut gelding, I say,
and return to town directly, and see what is become of my Lord
Lumbercourt.

_Lady Mac_. Here he comes.--I will get out of his way.--But I beg,
Charles, while he is in this ill humour that you will not oppose him, let
him say what he will--when his passion is a little cool, I will return,
and try to bring him to reason: but do not thwart him.

_Eger_. Madam, I will not. [_Exit_ Lady Mac.

_Sir Per_. [_Witbout._] Here, you Tomlins, where is my son Egerton?

_Tom_. [_Without._] In the library, sir.

_Sir Per_. [_Without._] As soon as the lawyers come, be sure bring me
word, [_Enters with great haughtiness, and in anger_. EGERTON _bows two or
three times most submissively low._] Weel, sir!--vary weel!--vary weel!--
are nat ye a fine spark? are nat ye a fine spark, I say?--ah! you are a--
so you wou'd not come up till the levee?

_Eger_. Sir, I beg your pardon--but--I was not very well; besides I
did not think my presence there was necessary.

_Sir Per_. [_Snapping him up._] Sir, it was necessary--I tauld you it was
necessary--and, sir, I must now tell you, that the whole tenor of your
conduct is most offensive.

_Eger_. I am sorry you think so, sir; I am sure I do not intend to offend
you.

_Sir Per_. I care not what you intend.--Sir, I tell you, you do offend.
What is the meaning of this conduct, sir? neglect the levee!--'sdeath,
sir, you--what is your reason, I say, for thus neglecting the levee, and
disobeying my commands?

_Eger_. [_With a stifled, filial resentment._] Sir, I am not used to
levees: nor do I know how to dispose of myself,--nor what to say, or do,
in such a situation.

_Sir Per_. [_With a proud, angry resentment._] Zounds! sir, do you nat see
what others do? gentle and simple,--temporal and spiritual,--lords,
members, judges, generals, and bishops,--aw crowding, bustling, and
pushing foremost intill the middle of the circle, and there waiting,
watching, and striving to catch a look or a smile fra the great mon,--
which they meet--wi' an amicable reesibility of aspect--a modest cadence
of body, and a conciliating co-operation of the whole mon,--which
expresses an officious promptitude for his service--and indicates, that
they luock upon themselves as the suppliant appendages of his power, and
the enlisted Swiss of his poleetical fortune;--this, sir, is what you
ought to do,--and this, sir, is what I never once omitted for these five
and thraty years,--let who would be minister.

_Eger_. [_Aside._] Contemptible!

_Sir Per_. What is that you mutter, sir?

_Eger_. Only a slight reflection, sir, not relative to you.

_Sir Per_. Sir, your absenting yourself fra the levee at this juncture is
suspeecious; it is looked upon as a kind of disaffection,--and aw your
countrymen are highly offended at your conduct,----for, sir, they do not
look upon you as a friend or a well-wisher either to Scotland or
Scotchmen.

_Eger_. [_With a quick warmth._] Then, sir, they wrong me, I assure you,--
but pray, sir, in what particular can I be charged--either with coldness
or offence to my country?

_Sir Per_. Why, sir, ever since your mother's uncle, Sir Stanly Egerton,
left you this three thousand pounds a year, and that you have, in
compliance with his will, taken up the name of Egerton, they think you are
grown proud;--that you have estranged yourself fra the Macsycophants--have
associated with your mother's family--with the opposeetion, and with those
who do not wish well till Scotland;----besides, sir, the other day, in a
conversation at dinner at your cousin Campbel M'Kenzie's, before a whole
table-full of your ain relations, did not you publicly wish a total
extinguishment of aw party, and of aw national distinctions whatever,
relative to the three kingdoms?--[_With great anger._] And you blockhead--
was that a prudent wish before so many of your ain countrymen?--or was it
a filial language to hold before me?

_Eger_. Sir, with your pardon, I cannot think it unfilial or imprudent.
[_With a most patriotic warmth._] I own I do wish--most ardently wish for
a total extinction of all party: particularly--that those of English,
Irish, and Scotch might never more be brought into contest or competition,
unless, like loving brothers, in generous emulation, for one common cause.

_Sir Per_. How, sir! do you persist? what!--would you banish aw party, and
aw distinction between English, Irish, and your ain countrymen?

_Eger_. [_With great dignity of spirit._] I would, sir.

_Sir Per_. Then damn you, sir,--you are nai true Scot.--Ay, sir, you may
look as angry as you will,--but again I say--you are nai true Scot.

_Eger_. Your pardon, sir, I think he is the true Scot, and the true
citizen, who wishes equal justice to the merit and demerit of every
subject of Great Britain; amongst whom I know but of two distinctions.

_Sir Per_. Weel sir, and what are those? what are those?

_Eger_. The knave and the honest man.

_Sir Per_. Pshaw! rideeculous.

_Eger_. And he, who makes any other--let him be of the North, or of the
South--of the East, or of the West--in place, or out of place--is an enemy
to the whole, and to the virtues of humanity.

_Sir Per_. Ay, sir, this is your brother's impudent doctrine--for the
which, I have banished him for ever fra my presence, my heart, and my
fortune.--Sir, I will have no son of mine, because truly he has been
educated in an English seminary, presume, under the mask of candour, to
speak against his native land, or against my principles.

_Eger_. I never did--nor do I intend it.

_Sir Per_. Sir, I do not believe you--I do not believe you.--But, sir, I
know your connections and associates, and I know too, you have a saucy,
lurking prejudice against your ain country:--you hate it;--yes, your
mother, her family, and your brother, sir, have aw the same, dark,
disaffected rankling; and, by that and their politics together, they will
be the ruin of you--themselves--and of aw who connect with them.--However,
nai mair of that now;--I will talk at large to you about that anon.--In
the mean while, sir--notwithstanding your contempt of my advice, and your
disobedience till my commands, I will convince you of my paternal
attention till _your_ welfare, by my management of this voluptuary--this
Lord Lumbercourt,--whose daughter you are to marry. You ken, sir, that the
fellow has been my patron above these five and thraty years.,

_Eger_. True, sir.

_Sir Per_. Vary weel.--And now, sir, you see, by his prodigality, he is
become my dependent; and accordingly I have made my bargain with him:--the
devil a baubee he has in the world but what comes thro' these clutches--
for his whole estate, which has three implicit boroughs upon it,--mark--is
now in my custody at nurse;--the which estate, on my paying off his debts,
and allowing him a life rent of five thousand pounds per annum, is to be
made over till me for my life, and at my death is to descend till ye and
your issue.--The peerage of Lumbercourt, you ken, will follow of course.--
So, sir, you see there are three impleecit boroughs, the whole patrimony
of Lumbercourt, and a peerage at one slap.--Why it is a stroke--a hit--a
hit.----Zounds! sir, a mon may live a century and not make sic an a hit
again.

_Eger_. It is a very advantageous bargain indeed, sir:--but what will my
lord's family say to it?

_Sir Per_. Why, mon, he cares not if his family were aw at the devil so
his luxury is but gratified:--only let him have his race-horse to feed his
vanity--his harridan to drink drams with him, scrat his face, and burn his
periwig, when she is in her maudlin hysterics,--and three or four
discontented patriotic dependents to abuse the ministry, and settle the
affairs of the nation, when they are aw intoxicated; and then, sir,:--the
fellow has aw his wishes, and aw his wants--in this world--and the next.

_Enter_ TOMLINS.

_Tom_. Lady Rodolpha is come, sir.

_Sir Per_. And my lord?

_Tom_. Not yet, sir,--he is about a mile behind, the servants say.

_Sir Per_. Let me know the instant he arrives.

_Tom_. I shall, sir. [_Exit._

_Sir Per_. Step you out, Charles, and receive Lady Rodolpha;--and, I
desire you will treat her with as much respect and gallantry as possible;
for my lord has hinted that you have been very remiss as a lover.--So go,
go and receive her.

_Eger_. I shall, sir.

_Sir Per_. Vary weel,--vary weel;--a guid lad: go--go and receive her as a
lover should. [_Exit_ Egerton.] Hah! I must keep a devilish tight hand
upon this fallow, I see,--or he will be touched with the patriotic frenzy
of the times, and run counter till aw my designs.--I find he has a strong
inclination to have a judgment of his ain, independent of mine, in aw
political matters;--but as soon as I have finally settled the marriage
writings with my lord, I will have a thorough expostulation with my
gentleman, I am resolved,--and fix him unalterably in his political
conduct.--Ah!--I am frighted out of my wits, lest his mother's family
should seduce him to desert to their party, which would totally ruin my
whole scheme, and break my heart.--A fine time of day for a blockhead to
turn patriot;--when the character is exploded--marked--proscribed;--why
the common people--the vary vulgar--have found out the jest, and laugh at
a patriot now-a-days,---just as they do at a conjurer,--a magician,--or
any other impostor in society.--

_Enter_ TOMLINS, _and Lord_ LUMBERCOURT.

_Tom_. Lord Lumbercourt.

_Lord Lum_. Sir Pertinax, I kiss your hand.

_Sir Per_. Your lordship's most devoted.

_Lord Lum_. Why, you stole a march upon me this morning;--gave me the
slip, Mac;--tho' I never wanted your assistance more in my life.--I
thought you would have called on me.

_Sir Per_. My dear lord, I beg ten millions of pardons for leaving town
before you; but you ken that your lordship at dinner yesterday settled it
that we should meet this morning at the levee.

_Lord Lum_. That I acknowledge, Mac.--I did promise to be there, I own.

_Sir Per_. You did, indeed.--And accordingly I was at the levee and waited
there till every soul was gone, and, seeing you did not come, I concluded
that your lordship was gone before.

_Lord Lum_. Why, to confess the truth, my dear Mac, those old sinners,
Lord Freakish, General Jolly, Sir Antony Soaker, and two or three more of
that set, laid hold of me last night at the opera,--and, as the General
says, 'from the intelligence of my head this morning,' I believe we drank
pretty deep ere we departed; ha, ha, ha!

_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! nay, if you were with that party, my lord, I do not
wonder at not seeing your lordship at the levee,

_Lord Lum_. The truth is, Sir Pertinax, my fellow let me sleep too long
for the levee.--But I wish I had seen you before you left town--I wanted
you dreadfully.

_Sir Per_. I am heartily sorry that I was not in the way:--but on what
account did you want me?

_Lord Lum_. Ha, ha, ha! a cursed awkward affair.--And, ha, ha, ha! yet I
cann't help laughing at it neither--tho' it vext me confoundedly.

_Sir Per_. Vext you, my lord! Zounds, I wish I had been with you:--but,
for heaven's sake, my lord,--what was it, that could possibly vex your
lordship?

_Lord Lum_. Why, that impudent, teasing, dunning rascal, Mahogany, my
upholsterer.--You know the fellow?

_Sir Per_. Perfectly, my lord.

_Lord Lum_. The impudent scoundrel has sued me up to some damned kind of
a--something or other in the law, that I think they call an execution.

_Sir Per_. The rascal!

_Lord Lum_. Upon which, sir, the fellow, by way of asking pardon--ha, ha,
ha! had the modesty to wait on me two or three days ago, to inform my
honour--ha, ha, ha! as he was pleased to dignify me,--that the execution
was now ready to be put in force against my honour;--but that out of
respect to my honour--as he had taken a great deal of my honour's money--
he would not suffer his lawyer to serve it, till he had first informed my
honour, because he was not willing to affront my honour; ha, ha, ha! a son
of a whore!

_SirPer_. I never heard of so impudent a dog.

_Lord Lum_. Now, my dear Mac,--ha, ha, ha! as the scoundrel's apology was
so very satisfactory, and his information so very agreeable--I told him
that, in honour, I thought that my honour cou'd not do less than to order
his honour to be paid immediately.

_Sir Per_. Vary weel--vary weel,--you were as complaisant as the scoundrel
till the full, I think, my lord.

_Lord Lum_. You shall hear,--you shall hear, Mac:--so, sir, with great
composure, seeing a smart oaken cudgel that stood very handily in a corner
of my dressing room, I ordered two of my fellows to hold the rascal, and
another to take the cudgel and return the scoundrel's civility with a good
drubbing as long as the stick lasted.

_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha!--admirable!--as guid a stroke of humour as ever I
heard of.--And did they drub him, my lord?

_Lord Lum_. Most liberally--most liberally, sir.--And there I thought
the affair would have rested, till I should think proper to pay the
soundrel,--but this morning, just as I was stepping into my chaise, my
servants all about me, a fellow, called a tipstaff, slept up and begged
the favour of my footman, who threshed the upholsterer, and of the two
that held him, to go along with him upon a little business to my Lord
Chief Justice.

_Sir Per_. The devil!

_Lord Lum_. And at the same instant, I, in my turn, was accosted by two
other very civil scoundrels, who, with a most insolent politeness, begged
my pardon, and informed me that I must not go into my own chaise.

_Sir Per_. How, my lord?--not into your ain carriage?

_Lord Lum_. No, sir: for that they, by order of the sheriff, must seize
it, at the suit of a gentleman--one Mr. Mahogany, an upholsterer.

_Sir Per_. An impudent villain!

_Lord Lum_. It is all true, I assure you; so you see, my dear Mac, what a
damned country this is to live in, where noblemen are obliged to pay their
debts, just like merchants, coblers, peasants, or mechanics--is not that a
scandal, dear Mac. to the nation?

_Sir Per_. My lord, it is not only a scandal, but a national grievance.

_Lord Lum_. Sir, there is not another nation in the world has such a
grievance to complain of. Now in other countries were a mechanic to dun,
and tease, and behave as this Mahogany has done,--a nobleman might
extinguish the reptile in an instant; and that only at the expence of a
few sequins, florins, or louis d'ors, according to the country where the
affair happened.

_Sir Per_. Vary true, my lord, vary true--and it is monstrous that a mon
of your lordship's condition is not entitled to run one of these mechanics
through the body, when he is impertinent about his money; but our laws
shamefully, on these occasions, make no distinction of persons amongst us.

_Lord Lum_. A vile policy indeed, Sir Pertinax.--But, sir, the scoundrel
has seized upon the house too, that I furnished for the girl I took from
the opera.

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