Washington Irving by Charles Dudley Warner

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"This is a singular fact,--but I have it direct from my
great-great-grandfather, who had risen to considerable importance
in the colony, being promoted to the office of weigh-master, on
account of the uncommon heaviness of his foot.

"The Dutch possessions in this part of the globe began now to
assume a very thriving appearance, and were comprehended under the
general title of Nieuw Nederlandts, on account, as the Sage Vander
Donck observes, of their great resemblance to the Dutch
Netherlands,--which indeed was truly remarkable, excepting that the
former were rugged and mountainous, and the latter level and
marshy. About this time the tranquillity of the Dutch colonists was
doomed to suffer a temporary interruption. In 1614, Captain Sir
Samuel Argal, sailing under a commission from Dale, governor of
Virginia, visited the Dutch settlements on Hudson River, and
demanded their submission to the English crown and Virginian
dominion. To this arrogant demand, as they were in no condition to
resist it, they submitted for the time, like discreet and
reasonable men.

"It does not appear that the valiant Argal molested the settlement
of Communipaw; on the contrary, I am told that when his vessel
first hove in sight, the worthy burghers were seized with such a
panic, that they fell to smoking their pipes with astonishing
vehemence; insomuch that they quickly raised a cloud, which,
combining with the surrounding woods and marshes, completely
enveloped and concealed their beloved village, and overhung the
fair regions of Pavonia--so that the terrible Captain Argal passed
on totally unsuspicious that a sturdy little Dutch settlement lay
snugly couched in the mud, under cover of all this pestilent vapor.
In commemoration of this fortunate escape, the worthy inhabitants
have continued to smoke, almost without intermission, unto this
very day; which is said to be the cause of the remarkable fog which
often hangs over Communipaw of a clear afternoon."

The golden age of New York was under the reign of Walter Van Twiller,
the first governor of the province, and the best it ever had. In his
sketch of this excellent magistrate Irving has embodied the abundance
and tranquillity of those halcyon days:--

"The renowned Wouter (or Walter) Van Twiller was descended from a
long line of Dutch burgomasters, who had successively dozed away
their lives, and grown fat upon the bench of magistracy in
Rotterdam; and who had comported themselves with such singular
wisdom and propriety, that they were never either heard or talked
of--which, next to being universally applauded, should be the
object of ambition of all magistrates and rulers. There are two
opposite ways by which some men make a figure in the world: one, by
talking faster than they think, and the other, by holding their
tongues and not thinking at all. By the first, many a smatterer
acquires the reputation of a man of quick parts; by the other, many
a dunderpate, like the owl, the stupidest of birds, comes to be
considered the very type of wisdom. This, by the way, is a casual
remark, which I would not, for the universe, have it thought I
apply to Governor Van Twiller. It is true he was a man shut up
within himself, like an oyster, and rarely spoke, except in
monosyllables; but then it was allowed he seldom said a foolish
thing. So invincible was his gravity that he was never known to
laugh or even to smile through the whole course of a long and
prosperous life. Nay, if a joke were uttered in his presence, that
set light-minded hearers in a roar, it was observed to throw him
into a state of perplexity. Sometimes he would deign to inquire
into the matter, and when, after much explanation, the joke was
made as plain as a pike-staff, he would continue to smoke his pipe
in silence, and at length, knocking out the ashes, would exclaim,
'Well! I see nothing in all that to laugh about.'

"With all his reflective habits, he never made up his mind on a
subject. His adherents accounted for this by the astonishing
magnitude of his ideas. He conceived every subject on so grand a
scale that he had not room in his head to turn it over and examine
both sides of it. Certain it is, that, if any matter were
propounded to him on which ordinary mortals would rashly determine
at first glance, he would put on a vague, mysterious look, shake
his capacious head, smoke some time in profound silence, and at
length observe, that 'he had his doubts about the matter'; which
gained him the reputation of a man slow of belief and not easily
imposed upon. What is more, it has gained him a lasting name; for
to this habit of the mind has been attributed his surname of
Twiller; which is said to be a corruption of the original Twijfler,
or, in plain English, _Doubter_.

"The person of this illustrious old gentleman was formed and
proportioned, as though it had been moulded by the hands of some
cunning Dutch statuary, as a model of majesty and lordly grandeur.
He was exactly five feet six inches in height, and six feet five
inches in circumference. His head was a perfect sphere, and of such
stupendous dimensions, that dame Nature, with all her sex's
ingenuity, would have been puzzled to construct a neck capable of
supporting it; wherefore she wisely declined the attempt, and
settled it firmly on the top of his backbone, just between the
shoulders. His body was oblong and particularly capacious at
bottom; which was wisely ordered by Providence, seeing that he was
a man of sedentary habits, and very averse to the idle labor of
walking. His legs were short, but sturdy in proportion to the
weight they had to sustain; so that when erect he had not a little
the appearance of a beer-barrel on skids. His face, that infallible
index of the mind, presented a vast expanse, unfurrowed by any of
those lines and angles which disfigure the human countenance with
what is termed expression. Two small gray eyes twinkled feebly in
the midst, like two stars of lesser magnitude in a hazy firmament,
and his full-fed cheeks, which seemed to have taken toll of
everything that went into his mouth, were curiously mottled and
streaked with dusky red, like a spitzenberg apple.

"His habits were as regular as his person. He daily took his four
stated meals, appropriating exactly an hour to each; he smoked and
doubted eight hours, and he slept the remaining twelve of the
four-and-twenty. Such was the renowned Wouter Van Twiller,--a true
philosopher, for his mind was either elevated above, or tranquilly
settled below, the cares and perplexities of this world. He had
lived in it for years, without feeling the least curiosity to know
whether the sun revolved round it, or it round the sun; and he had
watched, for at least half a century, the smoke curling from his
pipe to the ceiling, without once troubling his head with any of
those numerous theories by which a philosopher would have perplexed
his brain, in accounting for its rising above the surrounding
atmosphere.

"In his council he presided with great state and solemnity. He sat
in a huge chair of solid oak, hewn in the celebrated forest of the
Hague, fabricated by an experienced timmerman of Amsterdam, and
curiously carved about the arms and feet into exact imitations of
gigantic eagle's claws. Instead of a sceptre, he swayed a long
Turkish pipe, wrought with jasmin and amber, which had been
presented to a stadtholder of Holland at the conclusion of a treaty
with one of the petty Barbary powers. In this stately chair would
he sit, and this magnificent pipe would he smoke, shaking his
right knee with a constant motion, and fixing his eye for hours
together upon a little print of Amsterdam, which hung in a black
frame against the opposite wall of the council-chamber. Nay, it has
even been said, that when any deliberation of extraordinary length
and intricacy was on the carpet, the renowned Wouter would shut his
eyes for full two hours at a time, that he might not be disturbed
by external objects; and at such times the internal commotion of
his mind was evinced by certain regular guttural sounds, which his
admirers declared were merely the noise of conflict, made by his
contending doubts and opinions....

"I have been the more anxious to delineate fully the person and
habits of Wouter Van Twiller, from the consideration that he was
not only the first but also the best governor that ever presided
over this ancient and respectable province; and so tranquil and
benevolent was his reign, that I do not find throughout the whole
of it a single instance of any offender being brought to
punishment,--a most indubitable sign of a merciful governor, and a
case unparalleled, excepting in the reign of the illustrious King
Log, from whom, it is hinted, the renowned Van Twiller was a lineal
descendant.

"The very outset of the career of this excellent magistrate was
distinguished by an example of legal acumen that gave flattering
presage of a wise and equitable administration. The morning after
he had been installed in office, and at the moment that he was
making his breakfast from a prodigious earthen dish, filled with
milk and Indian pudding, he was interrupted by the appearance of
Wandle Schoonhoven, a very important old burgher of New Amsterdam,
who complained bitterly of one Barent Bleecker, inasmuch as he
refused to come to a settlement of accounts, seeing that there was
a heavy balance in favor of the said Wandle. Governor Van Twiller,
as I have already observed, was a man of few words; he was likewise
a mortal enemy to multiplying writings--or being disturbed at his
breakfast. Having listened attentively to the statement of Wandle
Schoonhoven, giving an occasional grunt, as he shoveled a spoonful
of Indian pudding into his mouth,--either as a sign that he
relished the dish, or comprehended the story,--he called unto him
his constable, and pulling out of his breeches-pocket a huge
jack-knife, dispatched it after the defendant as a summons,
accompanied by his tobacco-box as a warrant.

"This summary process was as effectual in those simple days as was
the seal-ring of the great Haroun Alraschid among the true
believers. The two parties being confronted before him, each
produced a book of accounts, written in a language and character
that would have puzzled any but a High-Dutch commentator, or a
learned decipherer of Egyptian obelisks. The sage Wouter took them
one after the other, and having poised them in his hands, and
attentively counted over the number of leaves, fell straightway
into a very great doubt, and smoked for half an hour without saying
a word; at length, laying his finger beside his nose, and shutting
his eyes for a moment, with the air of a man who has just caught a
subtle idea by the tail, he slowly took his pipe from his mouth,
puffed forth a column of tobacco-smoke, and with marvelous gravity
and solemnity pronounced, that, having carefully counted over the
leaves and weighed the books, it was found, that one was just as
thick and as heavy as the other: therefore, it was the final
opinion of the court that the accounts were equally balanced:
therefore, Wandle should give Barent a receipt, and Barent should
give Wandle a receipt, and the constable should pay the costs.

"This decision, being straightway made known, diffused general joy
throughout New Amsterdam, for the people immediately perceived that
they had a very wise and equitable magistrate to rule over them.
But its happiest effect was, that not another lawsuit took place
throughout the whole of his administration; and the office of
constable fell into such decay, that there was not one of those
losel scouts known in the province for many years. I am the more
particular in dwelling on this transaction, not only because I deem
it one of the most sage and righteous judgments on record, and well
worthy the attention of modern magistrates, but because it was a
miraculous event in the history of the renowned Wouter--being the
only time he was ever known to come to a decision in the whole
course of his life."

This peaceful age ended with the accession of William the Testy, and the
advent of the enterprising Yankees. During the reigns of William Kieft
and Peter Stuyvesant, between the Yankees of the Connecticut and the
Swedes of the Delaware, the Dutch community knew no repose, and the
"History" is little more than a series of exhausting sieges and
desperate battles, which would have been as heroic as any in history if
they had been attended with loss of life. The forces that were gathered
by Peter Stuyvesant for the expedition to avenge upon the Swedes the
defeat at Fort Casimir, and their appearance on the march, give some
notion of the military prowess of the Dutch. Their appearance, when they
were encamped on the Bowling Green, recalls the Homeric age:--

"In the centre, then, was pitched the tent of the men of battle of
the Manhattoes, who, being the inmates of the metropolis, composed
the lifeguards of the governor. These were commanded by the valiant
Stoffel Brinkerhoof, who, whilom had acquired such immortal fame at
Oyster Bay; they displayed as a standard a beaver _rampant_ on a
field of orange, being the arms of the province, and denoting the
persevering industry and the amphibious origin of the Nederlands.

"On their right hand might be seen the vassals of that renowned
Mynheer, Michael Paw, who lorded it over the fair regions of
ancient Pavonia, and the lands away south even unto the Navesink
mountains, and was moreover patroon of Gibbet Island. His standard
was borne by his trusty squire, Cornelius Van Vorst; consisting of
a huge oyster _recumbent_ upon a sea-green field; being the
armorial bearings of his favorite metropolis Communipaw. He brought
to the camp a stout force of warriors, heavily armed, being each
clad in ten pair of linsey-woolsey breeches, and overshadowed by
broad-brimmed beavers, with short pipes twisted in their hat-bands.
These were the men who vegetated in the mud along the shores of
Pavonia, being of the race of genuine copperheads, and were fabled
to have sprung from oysters.

"At a little distance was encamped the tribe of warriors who came
from the neighborhood of Hell-gate. These were commanded by the Suy
Dams, and the Van Dams,--incontinent hard swearers, as their names
betoken. They were terrible looking fellows, clad in broad-skirted
gaberdines, of that curious colored cloth called thunder and
lightning,--and bore as a standard three devil's darning-needles,
_volant_, in a flame-colored field.

"Hard by was the tent of the men of battle from the marshy borders
of the Waale-Boght and the country thereabouts. These were of a
sour aspect, by reason that they lived on crabs, which abound in
these parts. They were the first institutors of that honorable
order of knighthood called _Fly-market shirks_, and, if tradition
speak true, did likewise introduce the far-famed step in dancing
called 'double trouble.' They were commanded by the fearless
Jacobus Varra Vanger,--and had, moreover, a jolly band of
Breuckelen ferry-men, who performed a brave concerto on conch
shells.

"But I refrain from pursuing this minute description which goes on
to describe the warriors of Bloemen-dael, and Weehawk, and
Hoboken, and sundry other places, well known in history and song;
for now do the notes of martial music alarm the people of New
Amsterdam, sounding afar from beyond the walls of the city. But
this alarm was in a little while relieved, for lo! from the midst
of a vast cloud of dust, they recognized the brimstone-colored
breeches and splendid silver leg of Peter Stuyvesant, glaring in
the sunbeams; and beheld him approaching at the head of a
formidable army, which he had mustered along the banks of the
Hudson. And here the excellent but anonymous writer of the
Stuyvesant manuscript breaks out into a brave and glorious
description of the forces, as they defiled through the principal
gate of the city, that stood by the head of Wall Street.

"First of all came the Van Bummels, who inhabit the pleasant
borders of the Bronx: these were short fat men, wearing exceeding
large trunk-breeches, and were renowned for feats of the trencher.
They were the first inventors of suppawn, or mush and milk.--Close
in their rear marched the Van Vlotens, of Kaatskill, horrible
quaffers of new cider, and arrant braggarts in their liquor.--After
them came the Van Pelts of Groodt Esopus, dexterous horsemen,
mounted upon goodly switch-tailed steeds of the Esopus breed. These
were mighty hunters of minks and musk-rats, whence came the word
_Peltry_.--Then the Van Nests of Kinderhoeck, valiant robbers of
birds'-nests, as their name denotes. To these, if report may be
believed, are we indebted for the invention of slap-jacks, or
buckwheat-cakes.--Then the Van Higginbottoms, of Wapping's creek.
These came armed with ferules and birchen rods, being a race of
schoolmasters, who first discovered the marvelous sympathy between
the seat of honor and the seat of intellect,--and that the shortest
way to get knowledge into the head was to hammer it into the
bottom.--Then the Van Grolls, of Antony's Nose, who carried their
liquor in fair round little pottles, by reason they could not bouse
it out of their canteens, having such rare long noses.--Then the
Gardeniers, of Hudson and thereabouts, distinguished by many
triumphant feats, such as robbing water-melon patches, smoking
rabbits out of their holes, and the like, and by being great lovers
of roasted pigs' tails. These were the ancestors of the renowned
congressman of that name.--Then the Van Hoesens, of Sing-Sing,
great choristers and players upon the jews-harp. These marched two
and two, singing the great song of St. Nicholas.--Then the
Couenhovens, of Sleepy Hollow. These gave birth to a jolly race of
publicans, who first discovered the magic artifice of conjuring a
quart of wine into a pint bottle.--Then the Van Kortlandts, who
lived on the wild banks of the Croton, and were great killers of
wild ducks, being much spoken of for their skill in shooting with
the long bow.--Then the Van Bunschotens, of Nyack and Kakiat, who
were the first that did ever kick with the left foot. They were
gallant bushwhackers and hunters of raccoons by moonlight.--Then
the Van Winkles, of Haerlem, potent suckers of eggs, and noted for
running of horses, and running up of scores at taverns. They were
the first that ever winked with both eyes at once.--Lastly came the
KNICKERBOCKERS, of the great town of Scaghtikoke, where the folk
lay stones upon the houses in windy weather, lest they should be
blown away. These derive their name, as some say, from _Knicker_,
to shake, and _Beker_, a goblet, indicating thereby that they were
sturdy toss-pots of yore; but, in truth, it was derived from
_Knicker_, to nod, and _Boeken_, books: plainly meaning that they
were great nodders or dozers over books. From them did descend the
writer of this history."

In the midst of Irving's mock-heroics, he always preserves a substratum
of good sense. An instance of this is the address of the redoubtable
wooden-legged governor, on his departure at the head of his warriors to
chastise the Swedes:--

"Certain it is, not an old woman in New Amsterdam but considered
Peter Stuyvesant as a tower of strength, and rested satisfied that
the public welfare was secure so long as he was in the city. It is
not surprising, then, that they looked upon his departure as a sore
affliction. With heavy hearts they draggled at the heels of his
troop, as they marched down to the river-side to embark. The
governor, from the stern of his schooner, gave a short but truly
patriarchal address to his citizens, wherein he recommended them to
comport like loyal and peaceable subjects--to go to church
regularly on Sundays, and to mind their business all the week
besides. That the women should be dutiful and affectionate to their
husbands,--looking after nobody's concerns but their
own,--eschewing all gossipings and morning gaddings,--and carrying
short tongues and long petticoats. That the men should abstain from
intermeddling in public concerns, intrusting the cares of
government to the officers appointed to support them,--staying at
home, like good citizens, making money for themselves, and getting
children for the benefit of their country. That the burgomasters
should look well to the public interest,--not oppressing the poor
nor indulging the rich,--not tasking their ingenuity to devise new
laws, but faithfully enforcing those which were already
made,--rather bending their attention to prevent evil than to
punish it; ever recollecting that civil magistrates should consider
themselves more as guardians of public morals than rat-catchers
employed to entrap public delinquents. Finally, he exhorted them,
one and all, high and low, rich and poor, to conduct themselves _as
well as they could_, assuring them that if they faithfully and
conscientiously complied with this golden rule, there was no danger
but that they would all conduct themselves well enough. This done,
he gave them a paternal benediction, the sturdy Antony sounded a
most loving farewell with his trumpet, the jolly crews put up a
shout of triumph, and the invincible armada swept off proudly down
the bay."

The account of an expedition against Fort Christina deserves to be
quoted in full, for it is an example of what war might be, full of
excitement, and exercise, and heroism, without danger to life. We take
up the narrative at the moment when the Dutch host,--

"Brimful of wrath and cabbage,"--

and excited by the eloquence of the mighty Peter, lighted their pipes,
and charged upon the fort.

"The Swedish garrison, ordered by the cunning Risingh not to fire
until they could distinguish the whites of their assailants' eyes,
stood in horrid silence on the covert-way, until the eager Dutchmen
had ascended the glacis. Then did they pour into them such a
tremendous volley, that the very hills quaked around, and were
terrified even unto an incontinence of water, insomuch that certain
springs burst forth from their sides, which continue to run unto
the present day. Not a Dutchman but would have bitten the dust
beneath that dreadful fire, had not the protecting Minerva kindly
taken care that the Swedes should, one and all, observe their usual
custom of shutting their eyes and turning away their heads at the
moment of discharge.

"The Swedes followed up their fire by leaping the counterscarp, and
falling tooth and nail upon the foe with curious outcries. And now
might be seen prodigies of valor, unmatched in history or song.
Here was the sturdy Stoffel Brinkerhoff brandishing his
quarter-staff, like the giant Blanderon his oak-tree (for he
scorned to carry any other weapon), and drumming a horrific tune
upon the hard heads of the Swedish soldiery. There were the Van
Kortlandts, posted at a distance, like the Locrian archers of yore,
and plying it most potently with the long-bow, for which they were
so justly renowned. On a rising knoll were gathered the valiant
men of Sing-Sing, assisting marvelously in the fight by chanting
the great song of St. Nicholas; but as to the Gardeniers of Hudson,
they were absent on a marauding party, laying waste the neighboring
water-melon patches.

"In a different part of the field were the Van Grolls of Antony's
Nose, struggling to get to the thickest of the fight, but horribly
perplexed in a defile between two hills, by reason of the length of
their noses. So also the Van Bunschotens of Nyack and Kakiat, so
renowned for kicking with the left foot, were brought to a stand
for want of wind, in consequence of the hearty dinner they had
eaten, and would have been put to utter rout but for the arrival of
a gallant corps of voltigeurs, composed of the Hoppers, who
advanced nimbly to their assistance on one foot. Nor must I omit to
mention the valiant achievements of Antony Van Corlear, who, for a
good quarter of an hour, waged stubborn fight with a little pursy
Swedish drummer, whose hide he drummed most magnificently, and whom
he would infallibly have annihilated on the spot, but that he had
come into the battle with no other weapon but his trumpet.

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