The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce, Volume 8 by Ambrose Bierce

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[Illustration: Title Page]

* * * * *

THE COLLECTED

WORKS OF

AMBROSE BIERCE

VOLUME VIII

NEGLIGIBLE TALES

ON WITH THE DANCE

EPIGRAMS

NEW YORK

GORDIAN PRESS, INC.

1966

* * * * *

Originally Published 1911

Reprinted 1966

Published by

GORDIAN PRESS, INC.

Library of Congress Card Catalog No 66-14638

Printed in the U.S.A. by

EDWARD BROTHERS INC.

Ann Arbor, Michigan

* * * * *

CONTENTS

NEGLIGIBLE TALES
A BOTTOMLESS GRAVE 9
JUPITER DOKE, BRIGADIER-GENERAL 23
THE WIDOWER TURMORE 41
THE CITY OF THE GONE AWAY 52
THE MAJOR'S TALE 63
CURRIED COW 76
A REVOLT OF THE GODS 89
THE BAPTISM OF DOBSHO 95
THE RACE AT LEFT BOWER 104
THE FAILURE OF HOPE & WANDEL 110
PERRY CHUMLY'S ECLIPSE 115
A PROVIDENTIAL INTIMATION 122
MR. SWIDDLER'S FLIP-FLAP 131
THE LITTLE STORY 138

THE PARENTICIDE CLUB
MY FAVORITE MURDER 147
OIL OF DOG 163
AN IMPERFECT CONFLAGRATION 171
THE HYPNOTIST 177

THE FOURTH ESTATE
MR. MASTHEAD, JOURNALIST 187
WHY I AM NOT EDITING "THE STINGER" 195
CORRUPTING THE PRESS 204
"THE BUBBLE REPUTATION" 211

THE OCEAN WAVE
A SHIPWRECKOLLECTION 219
THE CAPTAIN OF "THE CAMEL" 226
THE MAN OVERBOARD 239
A CARGO OF CAT 258

"ON WITH THE DANCE!" A REVIEW
THE PRUDE IN LETTERS AND LIFE 267
THE BEATING OF THE BLOOD 270
THERE ARE CORNS IN EGYPT 276
A REEF IN THE GABARDINE 282
ENTER A TROUPE OF ANCIENTS, DANCING 285
CAIRO REVISITED 296
JAPAN WEAR AND BOMBAY DUCKS 299
IN THE BOTTOM OF THE CRUCIBLE 311
COUNSEL FOR THE DEFENSE 316
THEY ALL DANCE 321
LUST, QUOTH'A 330
OUR GRANDMOTHERS' LEGS 332

EPIGRAMS 343

NEGLIGIBLE TALES

A BOTTOMLESS GRAVE

My name is John Brenwalter. My father, a drunkard, had a patent for an
invention, for making coffee-berries out of clay; but he was an honest
man and would not himself engage in the manufacture. He was, therefore,
only moderately wealthy, his royalties from his really valuable
invention bringing him hardly enough to pay his expenses of litigation
with rogues guilty of infringement. So I lacked many advantages enjoyed
by the children of unscrupulous and dishonorable parents, and had it not
been for a noble and devoted mother, who neglected all my brothers and
sisters and personally supervised my education, should have grown up in
ignorance and been compelled to teach school. To be the favorite child
of a good woman is better than gold.

When I was nineteen years of age my father had the misfortune to die. He
had always had perfect health, and his death, which occurred at the
dinner table without a moment's warning, surprised no one more than
himself. He had that very morning been notified that a patent had been
granted him for a device to burst open safes by hydraulic pressure,
without noise. The Commissioner of Patents had pronounced it the most
ingenious, effective and generally meritorious invention that had ever
been submitted to him, and my father had naturally looked forward to an
old age of prosperity and honor. His sudden death was, therefore, a deep
disappointment to him; but my mother, whose piety and resignation to the
will of Heaven were conspicuous virtues of her character, was apparently
less affected. At the close of the meal, when my poor father's body had
been removed from the floor, she called us all into an adjoining room
and addressed us as follows:

"My children, the uncommon occurrence that you have just witnessed is
one of the most disagreeable incidents in a good man's life, and one in
which I take little pleasure, I assure you. I beg you to believe that I
had no hand in bringing it about. Of course," she added, after a pause,
during which her eyes were cast down in deep thought, "of course it is
better that he is dead."

She uttered this with so evident a sense of its obviousness as a
self-evident truth that none of us had the courage to brave her surprise
by asking an explanation. My mother's air of surprise when any of us
went wrong in any way was very terrible to us. One day, when in a fit of
peevish temper, I had taken the liberty to cut off the baby's ear, her
simple words, "John, you surprise me!" appeared to me so sharp a reproof
that after a sleepless night I went to her in tears, and throwing myself
at her feet, exclaimed: "Mother, forgive me for surprising you." So now
we all--including the one-eared baby--felt that it would keep matters
smoother to accept without question the statement that it was better,
somehow, for our dear father to be dead. My mother continued:

"I must tell you, my children, that in a case of sudden and mysterious
death the law requires the Coroner to come and cut the body into pieces
and submit them to a number of men who, having inspected them, pronounce
the person dead. For this the Coroner gets a large sum of money. I wish
to avoid that painful formality in this instance; it is one which never
had the approval of--of the remains. John"--here my mother turned her
angel face to me-"you are an educated lad, and very discreet. You have
now an opportunity to show your gratitude for all the sacrifices that
your education has entailed upon the rest of us. John, go and remove the
Coroner."

Inexpressibly delighted by this proof of my mother's confidence, and by
the chance to distinguish myself by an act that squared with my natural
disposition, I knelt before her, carried her hand to my lips and bathed
it with tears of sensibility. Before five o'clock that afternoon I had
removed the Coroner.

I was immediately arrested and thrown into jail, where I passed a most
uncomfortable night, being unable to sleep because of the profanity of
my fellow-prisoners, two clergymen, whose theological training had given
them a fertility of impious ideas and a command of blasphemous language
altogether unparalleled. But along toward morning the jailer, who,
sleeping in an adjoining room, had been equally disturbed, entered the
cell and with a fearful oath warned the reverend gentlemen that if he
heard any more swearing their sacred calling would not prevent him from
turning them into the street. After that they moderated their
objectionable conversation, substituting an accordion, and I slept the
peaceful and refreshing sleep of youth and innocence.

The next morning I was taken before the Superior Judge, sitting as a
committing magistrate, and put upon my preliminary examination. I
pleaded not guilty, adding that the man whom I had murdered was a
notorious Democrat. (My good mother was a Republican, and from early
childhood I had been carefully instructed by her in the principles of
honest government and the necessity of suppressing factional
opposition.) The Judge, elected by a Republican ballot-box with a
sliding bottom, was visibly impressed by the cogency of my plea and
offered me a cigarette.

"May it please your Honor," began the District Attorney, "I do not deem
it necessary to submit any evidence in this case. Under the law of the
land you sit here as a committing magistrate. It is therefore your duty
to commit. Testimony and argument alike would imply a doubt that your
Honor means to perform your sworn duty. That is my case."

My counsel, a brother of the deceased Coroner, rose and said: "May it
please the Court, my learned friend on the other side has so well and
eloquently stated the law governing in this case that it only remains
for me to inquire to what extent it has been already complied with. It
is true, your Honor is a committing magistrate, and as such it is your
duty to commit--what? That is a matter which the law has wisely and
justly left to your own discretion, and wisely you have discharged
already every obligation that the law imposes. Since I have known your
Honor you have done nothing but commit. You have committed embracery,
theft, arson, perjury, adultery, murder--every crime in the calendar and
every excess known to the sensual and depraved, including my learned
friend, the District Attorney. You have done your whole duty as a
committing magistrate, and as there is no evidence against this worthy
young man, my client, I move that he be discharged."

An impressive silence ensued. The Judge arose, put on the black cap and
in a voice trembling with emotion sentenced me to life and liberty. Then
turning to my counsel he said, coldly but significantly:

"I will see you later."

The next morning the lawyer who had so conscientiously defended me
against a charge of murdering his own brother--with whom he had a
quarrel about some land--had disappeared and his fate is to this day
unknown.

In the meantime my poor father's body had been secretly buried at
midnight in the back yard of his late residence, with his late boots on
and the contents of his late stomach unanalyzed. "He was opposed to
display," said my dear mother, as she finished tamping down the earth
above him and assisted the children to litter the place with straw; "his
instincts were all domestic and he loved a quiet life."

My mother's application for letters of administration stated that she
had good reason to believe that the deceased was dead, for he had not
come home to his meals for several days; but the Judge of the Crowbait
Court--as she ever afterward contemptuously called it--decided that the
proof of death was insufficient, and put the estate into the hands of
the Public Administrator, who was his son-in-law. It was found that the
liabilities were exactly balanced by the assets; there was left only the
patent for the device for bursting open safes without noise, by
hydraulic pressure and this had passed into the ownership of the Probate
Judge and the Public Administrator--as my dear mother preferred to
spell it. Thus, within a few brief months a worthy and respectable
family was reduced from prosperity to crime; necessity compelled us to
go to work.

In the selection of occupations we were governed by a variety of
considerations, such as personal fitness, inclination, and so forth. My
mother opened a select private school for instruction in the art of
changing the spots upon leopard-skin rugs; my eldest brother, George
Henry, who had a turn for music, became a bugler in a neighboring asylum
for deaf mutes; my sister, Mary Maria, took orders for Professor
Pumpernickel's Essence of Latchkeys for flavoring mineral springs, and I
set up as an adjuster and gilder of crossbeams for gibbets. The other
children, too young for labor, continued to steal small articles exposed
in front of shops, as they had been taught.

In our intervals of leisure we decoyed travelers into our house and
buried the bodies in a cellar.

In one part of this cellar we kept wines, liquors and provisions. From
the rapidity of their disappearance we acquired the superstitious belief
that the spirits of the persons buried there came at dead of night and
held a festival. It was at least certain that frequently of a morning we
would discover fragments of pickled meats, canned goods and such debris,
littering the place, although it had been securely locked and barred
against human intrusion. It was proposed to remove the provisions and
store them elsewhere, but our dear mother, always generous and
hospitable, said it was better to endure the loss than risk exposure: if
the ghosts were denied this trifling gratification they might set on
foot an investigation, which would overthrow our scheme of the division
of labor, by diverting the energies of the whole family into the single
industry pursued by me--we might all decorate the cross-beams of
gibbets. We accepted her decision with filial submission, due to our
reverence for her wordly wisdom and the purity of her character.

One night while we were all in the cellar--none dared to enter it
alone--engaged in bestowing upon the Mayor of an adjoining town the
solemn offices of Christian burial, my mother and the younger children,
holding a candle each, while George Henry and I labored with a spade and
pick, my sister Mary Maria uttered a shriek and covered her eyes with
her hands. We were all dreadfully startled and the Mayor's obsequies
were instantly suspended, while with pale faces and in trembling tones
we begged her to say what had alarmed her. The younger children were so
agitated that they held their candles unsteadily, and the waving shadows
of our figures danced with uncouth and grotesque movements on the walls
and flung themselves into the most uncanny attitudes. The face of the
dead man, now gleaming ghastly in the light, and now extinguished by
some floating shadow, appeared at each emergence to have taken on a new
and more forbidding expression, a maligner menace. Frightened even more
than ourselves by the girl's scream, rats raced in multitudes about the
place, squeaking shrilly, or starred the black opacity of some distant
corner with steadfast eyes, mere points of green light, matching the
faint phosphorescence of decay that filled the half-dug grave and seemed
the visible manifestation of that faint odor of mortality which tainted
the unwholesome air. The children now sobbed and clung about the limbs
of their elders, dropping their candles, and we were near being left in
total darkness, except for that sinister light, which slowly welled
upward from the disturbed earth and overflowed the edges of the grave
like a fountain.

Meanwhile my sister, crouching in the earth that had been thrown out of
the excavation, had removed her hands from her face and was staring with
expanded eyes into an obscure space between two wine casks.

"There it is!--there it is!" she shrieked, pointing; "God in heaven!
can't you see it?"

And there indeed it was!--a human figure, dimly discernible in the
gloom--a figure that wavered from side to side as if about to fall,
clutching at the wine-casks for support, had stepped unsteadily forward
and for one moment stood revealed in the light of our remaining candles;
then it surged heavily and fell prone upon the earth. In that moment we
had all recognized the figure, the face and bearing of our father--dead
these ten months and buried by our own hands!--our father indubitably
risen and ghastly drunk!

On the incidents of our precipitate flight from that horrible place--on
the extinction of all human sentiment in that tumultuous, mad scramble
up the damp and mouldy stairs--slipping, falling, pulling one another
down and clambering over one another's back--the lights extinguished,
babes trampled beneath the feet of their strong brothers and hurled
backward to death by a mother's arm!--on all this I do not dare to
dwell. My mother, my eldest brother and sister and I escaped; the others
remained below, to perish of their wounds, or of their terror--some,
perhaps, by flame. For within an hour we four, hastily gathering
together what money and jewels we had and what clothing we could carry,
fired the dwelling and fled by its light into the hills. We did not even
pause to collect the insurance, and my dear mother said on her
death-bed, years afterward in a distant land, that this was the only sin
of omission that lay upon her conscience. Her confessor, a holy man,
assured her that under the circumstances Heaven would pardon the
neglect.

About ten years after our removal from the scenes of my childhood I,
then a prosperous forger, returned in disguise to the spot with a view
to obtaining, if possible, some treasure belonging to us, which had been
buried in the cellar. I may say that I was unsuccessful: the discovery
of many human bones in the ruins had set the authorities digging for
more. They had found the treasure and had kept it for their honesty. The
house had not been rebuilt; the whole suburb was, in fact, a desolation.
So many unearthly sights and sounds had been reported thereabout that
nobody would live there. As there was none to question nor molest, I
resolved to gratify my filial piety by gazing once more upon the face of
my beloved father, if indeed our eyes had deceived us and he was still
in his grave. I remembered, too, that he had always worn an enormous
diamond ring, and never having seen it nor heard of it since his death,
I had reason to think he might have been buried in it. Procuring a
spade, I soon located the grave in what had been the backyard and began
digging. When I had got down about four feet the whole bottom fell out
of the grave and I was precipitated into a large drain, falling through
a long hole in its crumbling arch. There was no body, nor any vestige of
one.

Unable to get out of the excavation, I crept through the drain, and
having with some difficulty removed a mass of charred rubbish and
blackened masonry that choked it, emerged into what had been that
fateful cellar.

All was clear. My father, whatever had caused him to be "taken bad" at
his meal (and I think my sainted mother could have thrown some light
upon that matter) had indubitably been buried alive. The grave having
been accidentally dug above the forgotten drain, and down almost to the
crown of its arch, and no coffin having been used, his struggles on
reviving had broken the rotten masonry and he had fallen through,
escaping finally into the cellar. Feeling that he was not welcome in his
own house, yet having no other, he had lived in subterranean seclusion,
a witness to our thrift and a pensioner on our providence. It was he who
had eaten our food; it was he who had drunk our wine--he was no better
than a thief! In a moment of intoxication, and feeling, no doubt, that
need of companionship which is the one sympathetic link between a
drunken man and his race, he had left his place of concealment at a
strangely inopportune time, entailing the most deplorable consequences
upon those nearest and dearest to him--a blunder that had almost the
dignity of crime.

JUPITER DOKE, BRIGADIER-GENERAL

_From the Secretary of War to the Hon. Jupiter Doke, Hardpan Crossroads,
Posey County, Illinois._

WASHINGTON, November 3, 1861.

Having faith in your patriotism and ability, the President has been
pleased to appoint you a brigadier-general of volunteers. Do you accept?

_From the Hon. Jupiter Doke to the Secretary of War._

HARDPAN, ILLINOIS, November 9, 1861.

It is the proudest moment of my life. The office is one which should be
neither sought nor declined. In times that try men's souls the patriot
knows no North, no South, no East, no West. His motto should be: "My
country, my whole country and nothing but my country." I accept the
great trust confided in me by a free and intelligent people, and with a
firm reliance on the principles of constitutional liberty, and invoking
the guidance of an all-wise Providence, Ruler of Nations, shall labor so
to discharge it as to leave no blot upon my political escutcheon. Say to
his Excellency, the successor of the immortal Washington in the Seat of
Power, that the patronage of my office will be bestowed with an eye
single to securing the greatest good to the greatest number, the
stability of republican institutions and the triumph of the party in all
elections; and to this I pledge my life, my fortune and my sacred honor.
I shall at once prepare an appropriate response to the speech of the
chairman of the committee deputed to inform me of my appointment, and I
trust the sentiments therein expressed will strike a sympathetic chord
in the public heart, as well as command the Executive approval.

_From the Secretary of War to Major-General Blount Wardorg, Commanding
the Military Department of Eastern Kentucky._

WASHINGTON, November 14, 1861.

I have assigned to your department Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke, who
will soon proceed to Distilleryville, on the Little Buttermilk River,
and take command of the Illinois Brigade at that point, reporting to you
by letter for orders. Is the route from Covington by way of Bluegrass,
Opossum Corners and Horsecave still infested with bushwhackers, as
reported in your last dispatch? I have a plan for cleaning them out.

_From Major-General Blount Wardorg to the Secretary of War._

LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY, November 20, 1861.

The name and services of Brigadier-General Doke are unfamiliar to me,
but I shall be pleased to have the advantage of his skill. The route
from Covington to Distilleryville _via_ Opossum Corners and Horsecave I
have been compelled to abandon to the enemy, whose guerilla warfare made
it possible to keep it open without detaching too many troops from the
front. The brigade at Distilleryville is supplied by steamboats up the
Little Buttermilk.

_From the Secretary of War to Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke, Hardpan,
Illinois._

WASHINGTON, November 26, 1861.

I deeply regret that your commission had been forwarded by mail before
the receipt of your letter of acceptance; so we must dispense with the
formality of official notification to you by a committee. The President
is highly gratified by the noble and patriotic sentiments of your
letter, and directs that you proceed at once to your command at
Distilleryville, Kentucky, and there report by letter to Major-General
Wardorg at Louisville, for orders. It is important that the strictest
secrecy be observed regarding your movements until you have passed
Covington, as it is desired to hold the enemy in front of
Distilleryville until you are within three days of him. Then if your
approach is known it will operate as a demonstration against his right
and cause him to strengthen it with his left now at Memphis, Tennessee,
which it is desirable to capture first. Go by way of Bluegrass, Opossum
Corners and Horsecave. All officers are expected to be in full uniform
when _en route_ to the front.

_From Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke to the Secretary of War._

COVINGTON, KENTUCKY, December 7, 1861.

I arrived yesterday at this point, and have given my proxy to Joel
Briller, Esq., my wife's cousin, and a staunch Republican, who will
worthily represent Posey County in field and forum. He points with pride
to a stainless record in the halls of legislation, which have often
echoed to his soul-stirring eloquence on questions which lie at the very
foundation of popular government. He has been called the Patrick Henry
of Hardpan, where he has done yeoman's service in the cause of civil and
religious liberty. Mr. Briller left for Distilleryville last evening,
and the standard bearer of the Democratic host confronting that
stronghold of freedom will find him a lion in his path. I have been
asked to remain here and deliver some addresses to the people in a local
contest involving issues of paramount importance. That duty being
performed, I shall in person enter the arena of armed debate and move in
the direction of the heaviest firing, burning my ships behind me. I
forward by this mail to his Excellency the President a request for the
appointment of my son, Jabez Leonidas Doke, as postmaster at Hardpan. I
would take it, sir, as a great favor if you would give the application a
strong oral indorsement, as the appointment is in the line of reform. Be
kind enough to inform me what are the emoluments of the office I hold in
the military arm, and if they are by salary or fees. Are there any
perquisites? My mileage account will be transmitted monthly.

_From Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke to Major General Blount Wardorg._

DISTILLERYVILLE, KENTUCKY, January 12, 1862.

I arrived on the tented field yesterday by steamboat, the recent storms
having inundated the landscape, covering, I understand, the greater part
of a congressional district. I am pained to find that Joel Briller,
Esq., a prominent citizen of Posey County, Illinois, and a far-seeing
statesman who held my proxy, and who a month ago should have been
thundering at the gates of Disunion, has not been heard from, and has
doubtless been sacrificed upon the altar of his country. In him the
American people lose a bulwark of freedom. I would respectfully move
that you designate a committee to draw up resolutions of respect to his
memory, and that the office holders and men under your command wear the
usual badge of mourning for thirty days. I shall at once place myself at
the head of affairs here, and am now ready to entertain any suggestions
which you may make, looking to the better enforcement of the laws in
this commonwealth. The militant Democrats on the other side of the river
appear to be contemplating extreme measures. They have two large cannons
facing this way, and yesterday morning, I am told, some of them came
down to the water's edge and remained in session for some time, making
infamous allegations.

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